tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37914032024-03-13T15:39:19.006+08:00:: scribbles ::Things are not always what they seem.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04031539392380191700noreply@blogger.comBlogger1702125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3791403.post-60060262583361853902018-06-26T12:34:00.000+08:002018-06-26T12:36:04.824+08:00Climbing MountainsI have climbed a lot of symbolic mountains — striving to reach my career goals, traveling alone to places I haven’t been to, or getting over a painful heartbreak. I would like to believe that I am a strong person, but I never would’ve thought that I would actually cross out one item off my bucket list this soon — climbing an actual mountain.<br />
<div class="graf graf--p" name="5ab6">
<br /></div>
<div class="graf graf--p" name="1eb3">
Mt. Daguldol in San Juan, Batangas, Philippines, 3/9 difficulty level, 672 MASL, is my mother mountain. I never planned to do it so soon, but opportunity presented itself. I had a lot of hesitations and insecurities. It has been a few months since I was doing cardio at the gym. I live a sedentary lifestyle. I prefer glamping over camping. I don’t want to be stressed while enjoying nature. That’s not me. My mind is full of excuses, but guess what? I figured a lot of things I didn’t know about myself after I grabbed that opportunity.</div>
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<br />
<figure class="graf graf--figure" name="ba11"><img class="graf-image" data-height="3480" data-image-id="1*A6zhuiChoCDm0Kz1WpSGYw.jpeg" data-width="4640" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*A6zhuiChoCDm0Kz1WpSGYw.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">Mt. Daguldol summit view | 23 June 2018</figcaption></figure><br />
<div class="graf graf--p" name="9c13">
A couple of days before the climb, I donated blood during our office blood drive. On the climb itself, my menstrual period started earlier than expected. It was probably triggered by undue stress caused by my initial ascent. I felt like I was running on low fuel. I can feel my heart overworking to get oxygen to my lungs and blood to my veins. It didn’t help that the further I go up, the less oxygen there is. I had to stop for a few minutes after covering only short distances to catch my breath. I was thinking of quitting and of going back down. I told myself, the spirit is willing but maybe the flesh is weak.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="graf graf--p" name="eac5">
I’ve been through different types of pain, I often tell myself maybe I am just a self-proclaimed masochist. I’m sure this was just another type of it. Besides, I’m already there. Even if it takes me hours to reach that summit, I will do it. No pain, no gain, right?</div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<figure class="graf graf--figure" name="c27f"><img class="graf-image" data-height="3024" data-image-id="1*XRumFFAM7wBv_bLxShWURQ.jpeg" data-width="4032" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*XRumFFAM7wBv_bLxShWURQ.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">Mt. Daguldol summit | Pretty tree | 📷: <a class="markup--anchor markup--figure-anchor" data-href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Paula Africa</a></figcaption></figure><figure class="graf graf--figure" name="429d"><img class="graf-image" data-height="3024" data-image-id="1*m7JHUFFQ5FIHXciHF5os1Q.jpeg" data-is-featured="true" data-width="4032" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*m7JHUFFQ5FIHXciHF5os1Q.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">Mt. Daguldol summit | Lone white horse | 📷: <a class="markup--anchor markup--figure-anchor" data-href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Paula Africa</a></figcaption></figure><br />
<div class="graf graf--p" name="7285">
I took a lot of chances to rest. Because I have supportive companions, I walked at my own pace. During these rest stops, I watched the scenery and listened to nature sounds around me. I appreciated the cool and clean air. I spotted birds, flowers, butterflies and wild plants I haven’t seen before.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="graf graf--p" name="baeb">
On the other hand, I kept pressuring myself because: (1) I don’t want to keep my other group mates waiting for me; and (2) I don’t want to quit. It took me almost twice the time as what it took almost all of my group mates, but I did it. The summit scenery was well worth it.</div>
<br />
<figure class="graf graf--figure" name="57a7"><img class="graf-image" data-height="1000" data-image-id="1*q_XVkduTNYbkOpS2b5tVTw.jpeg" data-width="1333" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*q_XVkduTNYbkOpS2b5tVTw.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">With my group mates at the summit. Thanks for waiting for me! :) | 📷: <a class="markup--anchor markup--figure-anchor" data-href="https://www.instagram.com/djchis/" href="https://www.instagram.com/djchis/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Chis Cailo</a></figcaption></figure><figure class="graf graf--figure" name="29e0"><img class="graf-image" data-height="600" data-image-id="1*-PXfheAcLTbR_7R5Z6kGBQ.jpeg" data-width="800" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*-PXfheAcLTbR_7R5Z6kGBQ.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">With my physical and emotional support systems at the summit | 📷: <a class="markup--anchor markup--figure-anchor" data-href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Paula Africa</a></figcaption></figure><figure class="graf graf--figure" name="dea2"><img class="graf-image" data-height="2448" data-image-id="1*rpqstG6pNopnVj4gOreqAQ.jpeg" data-width="3264" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*rpqstG6pNopnVj4gOreqAQ.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">With my physical and emotional support systems back at jump-off | 📷: <a class="markup--anchor markup--figure-anchor" data-href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Paula Africa</a></figcaption></figure><br />
<div class="graf graf--p" name="cd41">
I’ve discovered a sense of community throughout the trail. I’ve met strangers who became my instant friends. People were kind and accommodating. People respect each other. I was grateful I witnessed that and became a part of it. I was also grateful for the perfect weather. I thank those who believed in me and even those who did not because I know I’ve proved them wrong. I was especially grateful for the physical and emotional support. Without them, I wouldn’t have survived.</div>
<br />
<figure class="graf graf--figure" name="ea83"><img class="graf-image" data-height="3024" data-image-id="1*Oft_4RyeOOVinGBnACuYFg.jpeg" data-width="4032" height="300" src="https://cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/800/1*Oft_4RyeOOVinGBnACuYFg.jpeg" width="400" /><figcaption class="imageCaption" style="text-align: left;">Me: Achievement unlocked! | 📷: <a class="markup--anchor markup--figure-anchor" data-href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" href="https://www.instagram.com/paulabeeafrica/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Paula Africa</a></figcaption></figure><br />
<div class="graf graf--p" name="e86b">
I never thought I could do this, but as they say, I’ll never know unless I try.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So, I did and it was worth it.</div>
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<br />
Maybe he thought I wasn't good enough for him and he found a better one to fall in love with. I may be emotional or shitty, but I guess I just loved him.<br />
<br />
Now, I still have rage in me like a fire burning, but it's time to close this chapter in my book. I will deal with it like I've dealt with my father's death-- take it a day at a time. I hope that one day, I will recall the good memories, acknowledge it, then let go. No more tears, no more anger nor hatred.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv0dpSMwri7nRhHZ-x8NRNMoagUa46jdFetFDM7QQyT8KToS0iL9msOL4t9gHIHiIRuR669loAmgRHWINinJ-HNAbnd5CKgnPCJqhXF-xHIWxQIyMgEHFTTE1GVO8uO3Bf8W56CA/s1600/thanksgiving.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv0dpSMwri7nRhHZ-x8NRNMoagUa46jdFetFDM7QQyT8KToS0iL9msOL4t9gHIHiIRuR669loAmgRHWINinJ-HNAbnd5CKgnPCJqhXF-xHIWxQIyMgEHFTTE1GVO8uO3Bf8W56CA/s320/thanksgiving.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo from <a href="http://foxhillsresort.com/thanksgiving-buffet-2/" target="_blank">Fox Hill Resort</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I do not celebrate Thanksgiving, but I would like to use this time and space to show how grateful I am for the following:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>My life. It may be a rollercoaster right now, but this is all I've got and I have the will to make this work.</li>
<li>My family and close relatives. We may not agree all the time but I know they have my back and they love me come what may.</li>
<li>My friends. We may not see each other all the time and they may not agree with my decisions in life, but they still like me and respect me.</li>
<li>My work. I have an amazing boss and and awesome team. Yes, there are stressful days, but they're worth going through.</li>
<li>My life lessons. May it be from heartbreaks, broken promises, disappointments due to unmet expectations, financial hardships or physical illnesses. I will stand up every time I fall. I will stand up stronger and wiser.</li>
<li>The little blessings. May it be good weather or a great book or alone time or a delicious cup of coffee or tea. I have to remind myself that every day is a blessing.</li>
</ul>
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<br />
I have to admit that one major reason why I took that Vigan-Laoag-Pagudpud 3-day trip was because I wanted to get to know a certain person more. At that point in my life, he was someone special and I think if I am going to be a part of his future, I better learn a thing or two about his roots.<br />
<br />
What a change a year can bring! Today, this person is no longer a part of my life because he chose a different path and he was never quite honest about it. I am still in the stage where I am confused, sad, uncertain and angry about what he did to me, but I am taking this anniversary of my trip to be another sign that I should embark on another SOLO trip. This time, I will embark on this journey for only myself.<br />
<br />
So, here I am, a bit lonely but still feeling hopeful, on the edge of another year. I hope I will look back to this blog entry next year and smile because I know I will be better. I know that everything will be better.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
It is true that some people are not what they seem. It is always a risk to fall in love. You don't know what kind of fall you're having. Me? I got destroyed. All my dreams, hopes and beliefs in love got utterly destroyed.<br />
<br />
Now, I will give the reins to karma. Today is the day when I can truly say that I don't want him in my life anymore. No more looking back. I will just retain all the lessons I've learned from this experience.<br />
<br />
My world is currently topsy turvy. I lost my grip, my mind is whirring and my heart is full of anger. I will need some time to regain focus. I will need some time to be calm. Maybe then, I can cry all the heaviness in my heart.<br />
<br />
I'll be okay. Soon.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
I am more angry than sad. I still look for reasons why he did this to me. Maybe I am having difficulty accepting the fact that I placed my love and trust on someone who has different values than I have. I kept thinking what I've done wrong and I also keep reminding myself that I did my best and that I am enough.<br />
<br />
It's not me, it's him. Damn right, it's him!<br />
<br />
This time, he did not choose me. I will be okay with that. He hurt me too much to make room for him in my life. He will be a part of my past.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
Where do I begin? I am not sure where I should start. I woke up feeling very little, very vulnerable and very sad, yet I could not cry. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted to disappear.<br />
<br />
I went through my usual morning routine. I took a shower without shedding a tear. I can feel the heaviness in my chest. I wanted to shout, to break things, to get a proper explanation. I lost my grip on reality and my mind was trying to make things okay again. I was looking for a rationale. Why? Why did he do this to me? Why did he have to lie about it? Why am I not enough?<br />
<br />
Alas, these will be added mysteries to my life story. I don't expect him to give me a proper explanation. He is a coward. He cannot own up to the hurt he caused. He is untrustworthy. It will all be pointless.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
I wonder a lot of things and today, I have added more mysteries in my life.<br />
<br />
He officially announced his special someone to his friends and family. Why did I not deserve that kind of treatment or label? Am I not girlfriend material? Am I too fat? Too old? I wonder why.<br />
<br />
Why did he have to lie to me? Why did he have to tell me he doesn't want to let me go only a few days before the big reveal?<br />
<br />
Maybe he's an asshole. Maybe he's a coward who doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Maybe he's selfish. Maybe he's all of the above.<br />
<br />
It hurts to be betrayed like this, but I know thay I played fair. I was always open and honest. I was a friend 'til the end. I can truly say that I don't have any regrets. I even wished him to be happy. I have to accept now that he is now officially a part of my past. I have to let go and start focusing on myself.<br />
<br />
We hurt because we love too much.<br />
But because we love too much, we heal.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
I really want a pamper-me day and a vacation, but in the meantime, work work work work work!<br />
<br />
P.S.<br />
I saw a photo of him with the girl. I knew my instincts were right. That was the sign and the slap I was waiting for. Now, on to loving myself first.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
Maybe I need to get drunk.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's torture but it's my way of getting myself ready for any possibility. Maybe it's for the better. </div>
<div>
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</div>
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<br />
Keeping busy with work really helps. It's a different kind of stress but, currently, it is a welcome one.<br />
<br />
Today, I will continue:<br />
1. Ignoring his messages. He'll get tired of that eventually.<br />
2. Listening to empowering songs in moving on playlists. I get to discover new music that really helps me not to wallow in my misery.<br />
3. Setting dates with friends. I can vent until I frustrate them. Haha!<br />
4. Planning time off for myself. I hope to schedule another solo travel experience soon.<br />
5. Finding time to spend at home. I don't get to get all melodramatic when I'm at home (except when I am taking a shower) since stuff at home keeps me preoccupied.<br />
<br />
Here's to the weekend! Cheers!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
Sure, there are multiple attempts from him to bring things back to the way they were, but I am pretty sure I can start imagining a life without him. I gotta start focusing on myself.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
I hope they know when to leave me alone and give me peace of mind.<br />
<br />
Either you want me in your life or you don't. There is no in-between.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
That's one of the downsides of having an overactive imagination and an overthinking mind.<br />
<br />
Today is a new day and I will continue looking for ways to keep myself busy.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
So, in order for me to make progress in my life and start to focus on myself first, I had to make that decision. "Happiness can be defined as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.", said Dr. Stephen Covey. I must always remember this since I am still aching and longing for what I had and what I expected. I know this will be good for me in the long run.<br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
1. "It"<br />
2. "How to Get Away With Murder"<br />
3. "Stranger Things"<br />
<br />
I don't want it to be Monday yet but work is another welcome distraction.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
So, before my imagination gets the better of me, I go out and watch at Marvel movie with my mother and sister. "Thor: Ragnarok" was a great choice because it was funny and has a few cute guys.<br />
<br />
So, there.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
1. Keep myself busy when I'm awake.<br />
<br />
2. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
I feel like a bottle fizzing and waiting to burst but I have not opened my cap yet.<br />
<br />
I wait for the day that I will just explode and cry my eyes out. Maybe get drunk in the process, who knows? I hope to experience that day soon.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
Yesterday, I started giving myself "pep talks". I found myself doing the following:<br />
<br />
1. Look at the mirror during a shower and tell my reflection all the red flags that I ignored. I have to remind myself that this was expected and I am now suffering the consequences of my decisions and actions.<br />
<br />
2. Close my eyes and turn off the lights when I am alone in the room. I remind myself that I am worth more than how I've been treated. I console myself in the hope that maybe, someone way better will love me the way I want to be loved. I think of the plans for myself in the near future.<br />
<br />
I will repeat these processes until the ideas sink in.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
My mind's been reeling looking for reasons why it happened. Last night, I was really angry that I slept for 8 straight hours. I think that anger was good for my body. Maybe this is a phase I need to go through.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
1. Convince myself that I should be priority this time around.<br />
2. Convince myself that I need peace of mind.<br />
3. Convince myself that I deserve better than a halfhearted, long distance pseudo-relationship.<br />
4. Tell a handful of friends to remind me that I should not settle.<br />
5. Block him on Facebook.<br />
6. Cry my eyes out.<br />
<br />
Before today ends, I need to do the following:<br />
<br />
1. Keep myself busy, busy, busy.<br />
2. Delete all photos, chat conversations and personal Spotify playlists insipired by him.<br />
3. Update my To-do list to remove all things that I want to do that included him.<br />
4. Create a "Me Plan" that consists of a haircut, a gym membership and travel plans to name a few.<br />
5. Get more quality sleep.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
They say that if it's meant for you, it'll happen. Maybe in some aspects of life, that is true. It still doesn't make me feel better whenever I see photos of happy people and thinking, that could have been me. I could have been a part of that.<br />
<br />
I have myself to blame, I guess. I should not resort to looking at Facebook profiles of people who should be a part of my past. I should have known better. I lost count of those who moved on with their lives without me. While I'm here still thinking, at some point in time, I didn't know if my life would be the same without them. Again, it's my fault. I trust so easily. I get drunk and dizzy with the feelings of love and the hopes of romance or unending friendship. Alas, such is life. I have to toughen up. I need to let go of my "almosts". Life's short.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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<br />
I look at future days and I see wishful thinking notes hoping to visit places and experience new things with you. I wanted to get to know you more.<br />
<br />
I look at your birthday and I see a handwritten wish that I hope we could be more that what we were before-- more in the sense that we learn more from life and from each other. More because I just don't want us to be "special friends" who just date.<br />
<br />
I look at my watch and realize that time without you has never been the same, but I know I chose this. This is the best time for me to move on because love is not supposed to hurt like this.<br />
<br />
Now, I wish that time can be a friend. I wish that I can heal through time. Maybe another day will come when I can say I am truly happy again.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!--
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