Sometimes, I just like to spend my time with myself rather than with a person whom I couldn't comprehend. Typical Melancholy comment but it's true. I miss Lau! Yoohoo!!! if you're reading this: "Miss ko na company mo. Ikaw lang yata 'yung naka-intindi talaga sa akin, if not completely understood, at least you tried your best to understand me."

I don't like it when people say things they don't mean, all the while I'm thinking that they meant what they said.

Sometimes I find myself alone and I don't wonder why. Maybe I am just waiting for the person who would like to spend time with me and would prefer my company over anything else. Even if we're just sitting and watching TV or riding the jeepney together or watching a movie or discussing our observations about people around us while drinking coffee. It's difficult when people don't seem to understand me. I just want someone whom I could feel relaxed with, even if we don't talk, as long as we're together, silence becomes comfortable. I think I'm the only one who understands this, but well, I just have to put this in my blog. I may not find the right words now to describe how I feel but one of these days, I can just type the exact name of the person I'm describing and everything will fall into place.

Mark Matkevich! That's why he looked familiar! He originally wanted to get Jack McPhee's role in "Dawson's Creek" but Kerr Smith got it, so he played Drue Valentine!!! That is why!

It feels awful watching a mushy love story with a happy ending alone, but I still keep doing it. I am a Melancholy. I like torturing myself, it's depressing. I like seeing cute guys pairing up with cute girls and they will look cute together and end up having cute kids. I know it doesn't happen in real life... Ok, ok. I am a pessimist. Told ya I'm a Melancholy. They happen but rarely.

I spotted three cute guys in the flick Sweet Home Alabama. Yeah, I love boywatching. But then there's this really annoying girl sitting beside me in the theater, she screams whenever Josh Lucas is focused on the screen. Yeah, he's one of the three men I was eyeing. The other was Ethan Embry. I've always liked his boy-next-door features. But then he played a gay role in the flick... You know me, I have this "gay issues" in my life. There's this other gorgeous lad in the flick. He's not that exposed but he caught my eye. The tall one who played the bestfriend and bestman of the mayor's son. I am searching for his identity now. Hehehe! Talk about stalking...

I'm still not well. Went to the hospital today and asked the professional opinion of my MD boss. I have an infection and told me to take some antibiotics. I can feel my lymph nodes swelling and aching. Then I passed by this poster on the wall which says I lack the chills and fever in order to have a full-blown flu. Yeah, a flu and it says it could kill you. Influenza is a viral infection that could affect other body systems. I don't wanna die of flu! I want a more dramatic death!!! Heeheehee! I think this is really getting into my brain...

*cough* *cough* *sniff* *sniff*

Feeling worse today.

He apologized last night. It's ok. It seems I've been sleeping earlier and earlier each night. Maybe it has something to do with this darn cold. Then I keep waking up a little after midnight and sleep after an hour or so. I may wake up because of a dark and scary dream or my monthly cramps bothering me or an eager textmate making missed calls again. I had two scary dreams in two consecutive nights. The kind that woke me up sweating and gasping for breath. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

There's this negative person who was trying to pull me down last night. We had a really exciting exchange of messages. I know he means well, but then I gave him a piece of my mind. He was not able to reply in the end. All the while he was thinking he's doing me a favor and he stressed out that he is a positive person. How can he be a positive person when he listens to failure stories (only half of the real story) rather than success stories; or when he gives up on things he has not tried yet; or when he tells me I should feel this way or do this instead of that when he has not experienced what I've been through; or when he tells me I can't do it when he doesn't even know me that well?

I will never forget him when I celebrate my success. Now, I have to push through. Thanks to his negative personality, I am more geared towards proving him wrong.

I am going to apply for NY or NJ. Not sure what state as of now but I have done the investigating. I have to take the exams. :)

I am barking and sniffing like a dog. The cold in it's full-blown stage. Glad I did not have to report for work. I feel weak-- not just in the knees.

Hehehe!

Hope won't have a meeting tomorrow so I can accompany Joan to watch "Red Dragon". Again? Yes. I will if I could meet her earlier than usual.

I can't believe I shared my dreambook to at least 50 leaders and business people yesterday! I was not feeling well then, I thought I was going to throw up on my way to the ADC. I was about to go back home but decided to face it. I'm glad. But then I am sick now that's why I was not able to attend the home meeting this morning and the beauty and wellness seminar this afternoon.

I think I need a vacation.

Edward Norton is one of the most underrated actors today.

He reminds me of John, my fave chat mate from SD, CA. They have the same smile. :)

I saw "Red Dragon" and IMHO, it is much much better than "Hannibal". Ed is perfect for the role of Will Graham. As usual, nobody can replace Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter. I have read the book before (borrowed from a friend) and I forgot the story already. That's why I'm not sure if they stuck to the book or created another story for the movie. Since I can't spend more money for the book, I better wait and be patient 'til I could get a copy of that. If my family would wanna watch that movie, I'd gladly sit for two hours again. I watched it with Joy. Yeah, I thought I would never get to see her again. Hahahaha! Joan and Rio couldn't make it. She went to the province for the weekend and he had a date and had no money for a movie with his friends. Yeah right. What a friend huh? Oh well...

Olive asked me if I could share my dream book in the NIO later. I am sooo scared to talk in front of those people. Now I'm kinda hesitating if I should bring my parents to the NIO. I guess I will just ask them if they wanna come, if they say no, I won't push it. I think I'm gonna cry if they find out about my dreams in front of a lot of people. Come to think of it, I have shared my dreams to people I hardly know, and my parents haven't even had a glimpse of what's inside my dream book. I am hesitant to share it with them because I know I will feel vulnerable if they find out what my dreams are. I just don't want them to confront me and tell me I won't be able to achieve them. Imagine that. It will break my heart and ruin my world.

I hope I could touch some people's hearts today in the NIO. Wish me luck! :)

I forgot. I already started on my "chicken list", starting with my MSD boss. She is interested with the books. I gave her the MYB tape earlier. Come to think of it, I am terrified of her. I can really do it! She wants to see the preview. Maybe next week. Yipee :)

The Diamond in our group is Mike Wilson. He owns the Wilson rackets and balls. I'm so proud. He's my partner. Gonna be a diamond like him. We are all carbon, exposed to pressure. I want to be a diamond, not a charcoal.

Hahahahaha!

:)

I'm technically still working as of the moment. It's Thursday, 5:45PM. The first Thursday that I won't be in AIM mingling with the leaders in the business. I am typing a cover letter and my boss is really "harassing" me every now and then. Toxic! I am very, very busy. I won't be meeting him tonight. He said he's serious in reviewing. I hope he passes. I know he will.

The nagging feeling is not just nagging now... it's biting me on my back. Little stabs... Damn, they hurt! So disappointing and sad. Why? There are other guys... Yes, there are. I am still convincing myself there are... but nobody like him. Damn...

Why is it that you can't just teach yourself to fall for a person who loves you? And love a person who doesn't give a damn? Darn life.

C is really serious about me. Too bad I can't teach myself to fall in love. Can I? I dunno.

Got an advice that's really funny. Gotta thank the people from the laboratory where I spent some time working. Found great friends there. I need Sanguines in my life.

It is confirmed. Remember the creepy, nagging feeling behind my head? Ohgod. I dunno how to react to that. I am asking other people's opinions but no one seems to say "the right thing". Erm.. what is the right thing to say in this situation? I have no idea.

I hope I will just be informed with all honesty. It's ok. He's not mine to give anyway.

I got no fear of losing you, I can't lose what I never had.

My father is reading Rich Dad Poor Dad. I'm glad. He kept on reciting "Go to school, get good grades, find a job, save money..." like a mantra. It was really funny since I know he did that all his life. He was wondering why he just discovered what Kiyosaki meant about changing one's way of thinking regarding money. Next step: Mind Your Business. STG: NIO on Saturday. If I can drag my parents to the NIO, they are going to meet W. Mwahahahaha!

Had a fight with my bro last night. Slept at 7pm, woke up at 2am. No dinner. Took a bath. Read a magazine. Cried over an article featuring an 18-year old guy who died in South Superhighway (2 blocks from my house). I was depressed and crying over that stupid article. It's normal. I'm a Melancholy. It's a part of my personality. Slept at 4am, woke up at 5am. I heard somebody calling my name. I can't remember myself dreaming that night. It seems real. The voice was clear enough but seems to come from somewhere far. Karen... Then I woke up as if cold water was splashed over my body. It was scary sh*t. I better stop reading those articles before going to sleep.

"Beware of those who stand aloof and greet each venture with reproof, the world would stop if things were run by men who say 'It can't be done'."

That was refreshing.

I was referring to my Weekend experience. And I'm giving myself another chance-- my life another chance. It was exhausting but... I just can't describe the feeling. It's a totally different experience. I wish I can place everything here just to put what I experienced into words. But really, I just can't. According to the guest speaker, Indonesian Double Diamond Robert Angkasa, it's like telling a person, "This crispy pata is ooohh soooo yummy!" The other person can only imagine it, but can never really experience how it tastes like. I admire Robert a lot. He is one of my inspirations now.

Now I understand my parents' reactions. Somehow, I am "enlightened". I love my parents. They love me but they don't understand what I'm doing. I may not make them totally understand, but I will make it a point that they will trust me to do be able to do this. If not, I will prove them wrong. :)

Here are the few points to ponder I took note of during the seminar.

"Everything has to become difficult before it becomes easy." ~Nancy Dornan
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." ~Eric Lee

Both describe the way to Diamond. That's how tough the road is.

"Don't expect anything different to happen to you when you keep doing the same things."
"Sometimes, your weakness can be your strength; your strength can be your weakness."
"You don't have to be great to start; You have to start in order to be great."
~Robert Angkasa

And my fave of them all...

"Failure is not falling down. Failure is staying down." ~Robert Angkasa

By the way, I got a letter from Laurice today. I am going to email her later and write back after I show the letter to both Joy and Joan. I miss her, but I know she'll find things to enjoy there. She's a survivor. We all are (oh, at least the people who survived CAMP, UP Manila). Hahahaha! I miss Joy. I hope I get to see her soon. Now I understand why Lau was furious with her before. I guess there will come a time when she'll realize we are still here as her friends. Laurice knows more about what's happening in her life than us, and she is halfway around the world! Joan is reviewing for the boards, but we often see each other when we attend the functions. We're close now and I'm glad.

Romina is leaving for Cebu. She wants to be with her family after 12 years of living away from them. She has sacrificed her good life and job here in order to be close to them. But then, she is fulfilling one of her dreams-- that is, being with her family. She told me she only attended her little bro's first birthday, and now he is already 13. We gotta sacrifice something in order to achieve what we want. I'm so glad for her. I'm gonna miss her for sure, but I'll be seeing her on February 2003 for the next WES. I've registered already. I chose to commit as I invest on myself. Kaya ko 'to... :)

Weird. My boss from MSD is one of the people listed in my "chicken list", but I invited her a while ago. Gawd! I did that. I'm so proud! She was interested in the book I'm reading "Personality Plus" by Florence Littauer and she was interested with the business. Yeah, I bought the book. I'm not halfway through but I'm applying it in my life already. I knew that I am a Phlegmatic-Melancholy but I'm more of the latter. Same with Mina's personality. My boss is I guess, a Choleric since she's a leader. My mama too. My papa is a Phlegmatic and now I know why they attracted each other. Hahaha! I had a patient who is a Sanguine. Before I hated that patient, and now I find her interesting and it's ok for me to listen to her blabbing now. Since I am a Melancholy and we are opposites. My ideal mate is a Sanguine too. I gotta ask W what his personality is. *wink* Speaking of him, we'll meet tomorrow. We'll see. :)

In short, here are the descriptions:

Melancholy - intovert, thinker, pessimist
Sanguine - extrovert, talker, optimist
Phlegmatic - intovert, watcher, pessimist
Choleric - extrovert, doer, optimist

Maybe I'll be getting "The Magic of Thinking Big" next time. I'm sooo excited and I love the books recommended in the business!

Just got back from buying my father his new cellphone! No, not my money. Just chose it for him since he has no idea how to purchase one. The money was from my cousin. One of these days, I'm gonna buy him the most up-to-date phone and the moolah will come from my pocket.

By the way, I let my parents read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" by Robert Kiyosaki and I'm gonna let them read "Personality Plus". I will take them to the NIO no matter what.

Long post. Three days worth.

Gotta check my mails.

"Why did you spend that much money for a seminar?!"

That was my parents' (actually, my mom's) reaction when they learned I paid PhP2,500 for a 2-day seminar in a five-star hotel. They didn't see my excitement. They didn't even wonder what it was about. They didn't understand. They just reacted in that way. I felt like I have no ability to make the right decisions for myself. Not even the fact that I paid for that seminar seem to matter. They see it as a useless expense.

It's an investment on my part. They just don't trust me. My parents. Of all people. I am in a business that gives me credibility. But my own parents think I am not credible enough. I thought they understood. I guess I was wrong. I let them see a preview before and they were proud of me for investigating the business and deciding on my own. I even saw a spark of interest. I was wrong. Maybe they just don't have the information I know or the events I have experienced. I felt independent for doing that business. Somehow, I'm starting to realize I can do something worthwhile-- just me, myself and I.

"You should have bought a dress with that money!"

That's my mother again. A dress?! What the hell am I supposed to do with a dress if I'm a bum and jobless? Stare at it and eat it when I get hungry?!

At least I have the guts to look for an option, an alternative since what we're getting now is not making me happy. I don't want five years to pass and we are still in the same state we are in at the moment! At least I'm moving. Unlike them... Just bumming around. Yeah, they're old already, I know. I'm doing this since I don't want to reach that age and be like them. Giving my kids all the pressure in life because I'm too old for that. They just want to retire. I want to retire at 30. I don't want to reach 60 (like my father) and not have money. I don't want to reach the time when I have to ask my nephews or nieces in the U.S. to send me money to buy a cellphone. Retirement is not dictated by age. It is dictated by the financial status of a person.

Someone showed me before one of the differences the way a rich person and a poor person thinks. An employee thinks of how to minimize input of money. A business person or investor thinks of how to maximize output. I can see my parents thinking of minimizing my input of money on certain things. Now, I don't wonder why we are still poor.

Oh well, I never told them that the PhP2,500 is my future. Do they think that amount is too big for my future? If I have all the money in the world, I would give everything to be certain of a financially secure future for myself and my family. They don't know that the Weekend Seminar is a money-back guarantee. If a person isn't changed or touched whatsoever after the weekend, he/she can get the money back.

For once, let me be.

Guess what? I'm with Joan surfing since it's really raining hard! Um, not surfing on the flood of Metro Manila... Hahaha! But we were supposed to watch a movie. Since it's Midnight Madness sale and with the bombing threats and everything, we decided against watching a flick and freezing our butts off in the moviehouse.

I had an absolutely fabulous afternoon and evening yesterday. I think you know what I mean... :)

To sum it up, I thought of another song. I think I'm making this a "singing blog", but then, what the heck!

Why – why are we still friends
When everything says
We should be more than we are
And tell me why every time I find
Someone that I like
We always end up just being friends
~"Why (Are We Still Friends)" by 98 Degrees

Did I tell you that small gentlemanly actions really turn me on? Or sweet gestures such as paying for my food and coffee make me feel special?

He was interested in knowing my dreams as he "forced" me to let him see my dreambook. That was sweet! But since the dreambook comes with introducing him to the business, I did and I was suprised with his reaction-- he was more excited than me when I first saw the business! Oh well, When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Although my showing him the concept was a major boo-boo. I was stuttering and my hands were shaking. Darn. It was the worst STP I've ever done! I think if I were him at that time, I will not understand any word I said. But then he just gave me more than 2% of his trust and his oh-so-preciousssss time. I'm glad. Although I will want him to concentrate on the board exams. I can volunteer to review him if he wants... *wink!*

Why do I feel like a high school kid again having this silly crush on someone? Plus the fact that I've got a small zit between my brows and I can't sleep well. I can't remember when I last hyperventilated with my heart palpitating (no, make that fibrillating ! LOL!) a few moments before I met him. I felt so excited, it's like discovering the inner kid in me again, who was just waiting to get out! I am referring to what I feel as of the moment because of both W and the business. I'm in a natural high state, I didn't even take my daily dose of caffeine today. :)

Although I think I "lost" another special friend today (Remember R?), in the sense that I decided not to include myself in his life anymore. I just don't want to be concerned and all that and still, he won't listen. It's his life anyways. I think I lost a friend and former crush today, but I will never run out of friends and crushes. That, I'm quite sure. :)

I'm excited with the Weekend Seminar! I hope I can sleep tonight. I also think this was a great idea for me to introduce W to the business, since I'll be seeing more of him and talking to him too. But you know, there's this nagging feeling behind my head... creepy. Is it just me or is a friend interested in him as well? I just can't explain it right now but I think I'm gonna bury it there as of the moment.

"Forget about him, ok? He likes you only as a friend so don't expect anything more. You've been there before... You know how it felt... how badly it hurt..."
~my "other self" is saying this to me. I know I am a schizophrenic. :)

But what the heck, we have to take risks right?

We'll see...

I just realized... if Wes gets to read this blog... I'm as good as dead.

Oh, and I joined a Westlife competition in MTV Asia and since I have a passport now, I can go to Malaysia if I win! *cross fingers* It's like last year. Lucky fans get to play football with the Westlife lads. Gawd, I want Mark!!! He's been my dream guy, the perfect homo sapien since I saw him last December 1999 in a British magazine. Two concerts and many stalkings later, I know I have to meet him face to face, even to just shake his hand... or hug him... or give him a peck on the cheek.. No, make that a kiss on the lips...

STOP! I think I need a psychiatrist. I think I'm gonna puke. I think I'm running a Westlife fever again. It's a chronic illness for me and my sis. And yeah, I am a stalker. Hehehehe! But only a chosen few should "fear" me. Chosen few. Yeah, no wonder I still haven't met my guy yet. :)

Out of reach... so far... I'll never have your heart... ~Gabrielle "Out of Reach"

I don't care if you think I'm crazy... It doesn't matter if it turns out bad...
I got no fear of losing you. You can't lose what you never had... ~Westlife "Can't Lose What You Never Had"

See? Songs keep popping in my head all the time. I guess I have to find a career in singing our something like that. Or maybe join in videoke singing contests so I can earn money. :)

I have never been so tired...

Dead tired from work. I don't want to be a "slave" like this for the rest of my life... working for a boss. No freakin' way!

I think ending my contractual job will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Yeah, as of now, I can just see myself being broke but well, I can look for other jobs... other options. Don't wanna work hard 'til I'm sixty making my boss's dreams come true!

Wesley and I will meet tomorrow. Can you believe I couldn't sleep last night thinking about our soon-to-be encounter! My eyes were closed at 12 midnight and 3:30 AM, I was still wide awake with all these thoughts running through my head! I wonder if I could sleep well tonight. I guess if my body is aching like this, I will sleep no matter what.

I am excited with the weekend seminar too.

Gotta go check my mails. More stories tomorrow. I betcha!

I thought Nicholas Sparks is the only author who can make me cry that hard. I never expected Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha made my eyes all puffy last night, especially the last few pages. Am I such a crybaby or what?! :)

I'll be meeting my boss tomorrow for updates at work. I'm expecting to have a really busy day tomorrow.

The follow-up meeting went well last night. I'm looking forward to the Megamall preview tonight.

Boring day.

Making my way downtown, walking fast, faces passed and I'm home bound...
Staring blankly ahead just making my way, making my way through the crowd...
...And now I wonder...
If I could fall into the sky...
Do you think time would pass me by...
'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles...
("A Thousand Miles" ~ Vanessa Carlton)

Nah!

It's a song, I know, but I felt as if I walked a thousand miles today running errands for work. Whew! I got my half month's worth of salary and it was sad to know that I cannot spend a single cent for my personal use since I owe money to my boss, who was kind enough to help me during my "tough days". I think I still owe him 'til the end of the month. I know I've said this and I will say it again... This sucks!

I am so tired. Considering that I have to go out again later this evening to attend the follow-up meeting. I am looking forward to that though. Usually, during paydays like this, I wouldn't spend time here at home in front of my PC.I will be in the mall, shopping and watching a movie or eating in an Italian resto... but no. I went home and ate here. Gotta get used to this lifestyle now! I have to save money and I wanna say goodbye to that Mossimo bag and Kamiseta blouse I've been eyeing for months. Huhuhuhu!

October is not my month. I have known that since I was in Grade 5. Every year, something happens every October (it may be a huge financial problem such as what my family is experiencing now, or a very personal problem like breaking up with friends, or an academic problem when I was in high school). It always happens every October. I dunno why. It makes me feel like Christmas is a looong way from the present everytime it's October. Ironic since it's the month of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

I sent a P20.00 worth of magazine to England a while ago. It's worth P200.00 through mail. You see, I am very sensitive now when it comes to expenses nowadays. That hurt my pocket. Ouch! Oh well, it was worth it since I'm sure Pam, my friend there, will gladly send me Westlife's latest single, "Unbreakable". We don't have singles here in the country and I'm hoping she will send the enhanced CD version. *cross fingers*

Yeah.

My parents have finally arrived!

Wa-hey!

I know, know. Within this weekend, I missed two opportunities of expanding my business. I dunno why I am so lazy nowadays. Maybe the fact that I am still broke kinda keeps me in a cage of some sorts. It's like, I'm better off staying at home and reading or watching TV. Now, I don't know whether the fact that they are home will relieve me of my duties as a "home maker". It will, I guess, but as a breadwinner, nope. I have to look forward to payday in order for us to pay our bills. This sucks.

I watched two new series in S23 last night, Boston Public and Six Feet Under. Interesting. Very interesting, I think the guy in SFU, the eldest kid, is very attractive. ;)

Now, it's time for me to say goodbye to the late-night dates with my computer, to the (instant) coffee sprees with myself, to the peace and serenity of dawn, to the sleeping at six AM. My parents are here and I am again confined to the four corners of my room, with some books and a TV to keep me company, not to mention my sleeping sister, cousin and aunt.

*sigh*

I'm gonna miss those moments.

I watched two movies since midnight. Billy Elliot and Powder. It was my first time to watch the former and my second time to watch the latter. I cried, as usual. I always do that when movies touch me. It was cool since the first movie taught me about having faith and believing in my self and the second movie taught me how not to lose faith in other people. They both showed the importance of having a passion in life and showing compassion to others. Weird. I'm freaking myself out with what I'm typing here. Is this me?

Oh well, I think Jeremy, the lead character in Powder is cute. Now, that's me again. :)

Hahahahaha!

My parents aren't here yet. I still have no money and I'm about to have zero balance in my mobile phone load. Rio and Joy asked me if we could go for a night-out tonight. Since they caught me at the wrong time, I told them I can't and I hope next time, they "warn" me a few days before if ever we wanna spend time together. I met up with Joan today and let her borrow the info pack. She's on her way to Batangas. We're gonna have a follow-up meeting next week. Can't wait.

I was able to get a few hours free to read more chapters from the book I'm currently reading Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden. It is getting quite interesting now but then I have to stop in order to meet a couple of friends who are interested to see the business. This was quite a good day since I kept myself a bit busy so as no to whine about not having money again. I am just looking forward to Monday.

The business preview came quite well. Two people who want something in life, but they have different dispositions. The one was very vocal about it and the other one was just quite and all reserved. The vocal one is on the beginning of a very promising career, the other one is just ending a kinda tragic life in college.

Laurice called this morning. Actually, she woke me up. She told me she's doing quite fine although her trip to the mall to go online was unsuccessful. She will also not be able to call next week since she's going to Las Vegas with her mom to attend her mom's reunion. Lucky girl! She said she's getting fatter too. Well, as expected in the States since food is much cheaper there.

We passed by Greenbelt this evening. I miss strolling in the mall and treating myself to a movie or a hearty meal. Or treating my sis to a movie and a hearty meal. *sigh*

Wesley and I will meet next week. So be it.

Still three more days to go and it felt like it's been ages since my parents left this house in my care. I am now whining since my bank account just vanished today. In other words, I am broke.

This got me to thinking... I have always wanted to be independent-- wanted to be away from my family and on my own. Now, I am thinking again-- can I really do it NOW? Maybe I can take care of myself. I was just not prepared of taking care of myself PLUS my two siblings. Now that my tita already emailed me the requirements needed in order for me to work in the U.S. So far, New Jersey is the place she has been mentioning. Oh yeah, Laurice and I will be nearer compared to California since she is in Chicago. I am just waiting for my diploma, which will be released on the last week of November and I have to get another copy of my Certificate of Internship. Then wait for the go signal from my relatives there and apply for a working visa.

Five years ago, I would have been excited with this thought. I wonder why I am not excited now.

I went to the mall today. I just wanted to get away from everything. I have money at least for the jeepney fare. As I was approaching it, I was thinking, Eeep! Wrong move! since I'll be longing for the times I'm strolling there with money in my pocket. I'd just be frustrated. But then when I got in, everything was a blur. I glanced everywhere but it seems as if I am not there. Weird? I know. I am losing my mind. =)

Oh yeah, i forgot, it's 3AM again. I know I'm gonna miss these times when my parents comes back home. They won't allow me to go online at this ungodly hour for sure.

After a week of not attending the functions, I will go to Makati tomorrow and see all my business partners there. I am so low, I need an environment like that to help me find the dreams I lost along the way. I have failed somehow but I am no quitter. I just need that explosive experience (no pun intended. Hahaha!), so I can get back on track. I lost momentum there, I'm gonna get it back.

Dream-making in a dream-taking world-- that I'm gonna do.

It's midnight again. A few more days of this "independence" (NOT!), and I'll be back to my old self again. Or so I hope. I have been changed. All these experiences for the past few days have affected me that much.

I am crying in front of my PC. Everybody is asleep. I love these moments where I can be alone and do what I want. I dunno why I'm crying in the first place. Maybe I am sad... and alone. No, make that sad and lonely.

Wesley called. An omen? Hope so...

Got posty from Laurice!!! Funny thing is, I suggested she send me one so I'll know her address, but then she forgot to put her address!!! Hahahaha!

I chatted with a 16-year old girl from Egypt last night. She's pretty and she is sexually molested by her 40-year old nanny! I feel sooo sorry fo her. But then she told me she likes it too. How sad! She won't even try to have boyfriends coz she's afraid of boys! Dunno what that nanny (Mery) told her. Tsk tsk! Met a few people through chat too. One guy from the U.S., but is really Indian/Singaporean and another local guy from San Juan.

I lost a crush and a friend yesterday. I'm so sad since I was looking forward to meeting Dimoy in person. But like what Nilo told me, my guy is just out there somewhere and I will never run out of friends and crushes... He's right (again!). But guess what, I gained an admirer... but then he is only 14! Hahaha! Rio a.k.a. Voronwe. Oh well! He's just young...

I'm failing in my business again. I am waiting for omens now...

NO MONEY!!!

I dunno what I'm gonna do...

Laurice called two nights ago. She still sounded sad and lonely. I told her what happened in our fourth moot. I am not in my mind lately. Our financial problems have been bugging me night and day...

Will tell you more stories when I pick up the pieces.

Failed to attend the home meeting last Saturday. Busied myself with housework.

Miss my parents.

*sniff* *sniff*

It's been a week since my parents left for the province. I miss them. I feel sad. It's difficult being the eldest-- budgeting and being responsible. I am broke. No more moolah! Waaaah!

I'm glad I still have my friends. I attended our TPTS moot for this month. I was hesitant at first but glad I did. Met new and old faces. It's my first without Laurice there and we miss her a lot. I also downloaded the latest full-screen The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers trailer!!! Wonderful! Bravo Peter Jackson!!! Because of that, I had no more prepaid load yet so I monitired linktv and I met new friends again. Coincidence?

Maktub

I'm glad there are still people out there whom I can relate to and who can also relate to me.

Something happened to my crush, Mark Raymund Nicodemus Nicolau. Somebody sent me a message telling me he's Mark and I have to stop keeping in touch with him. I dunno if it was really him but I felt sad. I have to confirm first.

I'm using "free" dial-up access!!! *Hope so* =)

Gotta run, I have loads of emails to read!

Another day passes by...

Laurice called again last night. I was watching CSI then. What's weird was that she was trying to contact Joy and she learned that she is STUDYING. I dunno where or why or about what. She hasn't told me anything considering that I'm just a phone call or a text message away... Hmmm... Doesn't she have this sick uncle she keeps on visiting in Manila? Or is she really up to something she doesn't wanna tell me? Oh well...

I had a fun day with Madell, We talked and talked and I introduced her to the business. She seemed interested. Great! We also watched Spy Kids 2... One necklace to rule them all... My precioussss... Hahaha! Really funny.

I went home earlier than usual. I didn't attend the preview. I lost about PhP5,000 today for the stuff I needed for the business, the WES ticket and a couple of books. I just hate it when I end up having lesser money in my pocket at the end of the day. But oh well, such is life.

I'm online and it's 3AM. Isn't that a record for me? Hahaha!

Oh and before I forget, Cris called and I dunno if I'm putting myself in a very awkward situation by agreeing to meet him before his birthday (October 23) BUT he should attend the WES in Manila Hotel. Am I a blackmailer or am i just a plain b*tch? Hehehe! There's this guy again from yahoo messenger (seban_amy) who proposed to me before and is proposing again. I dunno why he CAN'T just get it! I need to be in love and the way things are looking now, I am NOT ready for marriage! :) He was telling me that he's gonna come here in the country and we're gonna spend time together and then I decide if I like him. I guess he has the time and money to do that huh? But then I don't wanna be the one to waste them. I told him not to wait for me but he will. He's making me feel guilty by telling me he has rejected so many girls because of me, he has included me in his plans for the future, he dreams about me and him together, and he even made my picture as his PC wallpaper (talk about twisted... Scary thoughts... *shudders*). Oh what the heck?!

Go me! ;p