SERENDIPITY

I wish that somewhere out there is the special someone meant just for me who will go the extra mile to make what was destined to be a reality.

Or wishful thinking? :)

I knew it! I'm Fawkes!!!

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of the circle of life. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 ears and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melidous song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is a symbol of the sun and immortality. The phoenix is a very worthwhile beast.

What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz!

Green You are a very calm and contemplative person. Others are drawn to your peaceful, nurturing nature. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

And I thought I'm green-minded... Thanks Loryces for the quiz!

Random thoughts...

To fall in love is to take a risk. How would you know if the risk is worth taking? You'll never know until you fall in love...

There are really some people out there who would get out of the way just to ruin your day. My friend calls them "lurkers". They lurk... then attack-- attack when you're vulnerable. Sometimes, they don't care whether you're down in the dumps already or you're very happy. They just exist to ruin your day.

They may be in the form of a taxi driver who would purposely drive you to streets with heavy traffic when you're already late for an appointment, or a a bank where the tellers won't give you the money you're trying to withdraw (even if you're withdrawing there for the nth time already) since the signature is "not quite the same as before", even if the money that you're trying to withdraw is the salary that you deserve. Then they will let you wait for an hour 'til they contact and verify it from the signature owner. Or they may be in the form of a person who would keep on sending SMS messages and ask you questions and bother you to death even if they know that you have no means of replying. Then that would frustrate you and in the end, force you to reload. Or even a simple example of a man who would push you so he can get into the train first, even if there are lots of spare seats inside. Or maybe a person who would meet you for the first time-- a complete stranger who would then ask you if you like him and if you don't answer immediately (since you were surprised that he asked), he would assume that you don't and then sadly say, "Though you don't like me, I'm glad I met you. Thanks for everything". DUH?!

OK, it's obvious that I had a bad day. Bad indeed but productive. Oh well, TGIF! Time to rest my weary mind, soul and body.

~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~

Last night, I got my old Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" album. It was dusty and I checked the date I wrote there, October 1996. Wow. Actually, it's my fave Alanis album. I was just in the mood for her songs that time.

Two songs struck me.

Perfect
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

Um... was that me talking?! Hahaha! But then I don't want my life (lovelife?) to end that way... I want to sing this, eventually...

Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Unfortunately, the you in the song has no face in my thoughts yet. Who might he be? Hmmm...

Lost...
Looking for a direction...
Confused...
Looking for answers...
Empty...
Looking for significance and meaning...
Alone...
Looking for a companion...
Tired...
Looking for time and place to rest...
Sad...
Looking for happiness...
Chained...
Looking for freedom...

What else?

Oh, and broke...
Looking for money... :)

When God gave us sisters, he tried to be fair.
But when I got you, I got more than my share!

HAPPY SWEET SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY
Padawan Hobbit-Witch!!!

"The hardest thing is just to start. Too many people have a wonderful dream and just talk about it rather than do something about it." ~Debbie Fields, founder, Mrs. Field's Cookies

OUCH! :(

I didn't get to receive a phonecall from InfoNXX, which means I was not accepted. Same goes with Joy. She thinks it has something to do with the fact that we know people working there. I just think that it was just a way to narrow my options and choose a better alternative for me. I mean, maybe God doesn't want me to answer telephones. But then Im gonna miss working with my friends and the office is very nice. I guess my ma's prayers were answered. ;)

"It's scary to change your life. But a great career should fit into your life, not the other way around. At least give your dreams a chance." ~Shana Spooner, career coach

Oh well, off to Plan B. I'm gonna take the other study my boss was offering me about. It's one of the strategies I'm learning as I read this book, "Dream Making in a Dream-taking World" by Dr. Steve Price. It's a powerful book, recommended by the business, and I think my reading it suites my mood nowadays. I need some pulling up instead of pushing down.

~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~

I got this part from the book and I just wanna share it. (pages 14-15)

Five Kinds of Dreamers

As I see it, there are five kinds of people in the world. I'm sure you'll recognize yourself in one or more categories. Let's take a brief look at each one:

1) Dream Makers: Dream Makers are the men and women who dream and then do whatever it takes to make their dreams come true.

2)Dream Bakers: These are dreamers who are always cooking up new dreams. As soon as they accomplish one dream, they pop some more dreams into the oven.

3)Dream Fakers: These are people who say they have dreams, but they never do anything to make them come true. Dream Fakers don't "fake it 'til they make it". They just fake it...

4)Dream Undertakers: These are people who bury their dreams, rationalizing that if you don't dream, you can't be disappointed if your dream doesn't come true.

5)Dream Takers: These are toxic people who think they can lift themselves up by tearing other people down. Beware the Dream Takers, because they'll give you every reason in the world your dreams won't come true!

Now, as you reread these categories, ask yourself, "Which category of dreamer best describes me?" It'd be wonderful if most people identified themselves in the first two categories-- Dream Maker or Dream Baker. But it's my observation that most people fall into the last three categories-- Dream Fakers, Undertakers and Takers. Here's how I think the categories rank among the general population:
Dream Makers and Bakers: 20%
Dream Fakers, Undertakers and Takers: 80%

~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~

I know lotsa people who belong in the 80%. Hahahaha! Fakers and Undertakers have the chance to move up to 20% since they already know/knew how to dream. The Takers are people whom we should avoid since they can suck you into their realm. :)

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once...
I am one of those melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bones no doubt about it.
I think I give myself the creeps.
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.
It all keeps adding up, I think I'm cracking up.
Am I just paranoid? Am I just stoned?
~"Basketcase" by Greenday~

~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~o0o~

Went to a funeral yesterday. My first goddaughter, Nina Ricci dela Cruz Pacheco died last Tuesday. God bless her soul. She was only one year and ten months old. Life is so cruel. Anyways, she died due to central breakdown secondary to pneumonia. She has microcephaly. It was inborn. I have to admit it was one of my friend's biggest mistake (the mom), but I guess this is for the best. I hope that she makes "better" decisions now that she has all the time in the world.

Aside from the sad moments yesterday, it was also a happy one since we had a kind of "high-school reunion" but only six of the original eight barkadas attended. It was fun. Four of them already have "partners" in life. Two have kids. I guess you know I was one of the two without the partners. Hehehe!

It was weird seeing all these girls I knew from school grew up to be real women. I mean, four of us have licenses and it's pretty cool. It has been years since we last saw each other and I'm glad most of us are happy with our lives now. We made some plans of seeing each other more often than we did and I hope they don't just remain as plans. It's quite difficult now since we have our own lives, our own schedules and our own priorities (kids and husbands/boyfriends for them). :)

I miss high school. I miss my friends. LIfe was so simple then.

Analyn, Junally, Kathlene, Michelle, Rosanna: Good luck!
Daylene, Ria: Wherever you are, best of luck to you too!

Again, my condolences to you, Analyn :(

Cynics who are in love are pathetic.
Trust me on that.

CANCER

Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
Try not to take everything so seriously, dear Cancer. Relax and have fun. You will find that situations you thought would be horrible may actually turn out to be enjoyable. Remember that a big part of success lies in your attitude. If you convince yourself that things will be horrible, they probably will be. You are the only one who can make the decision to be happy. Regardless of how you may think, you always have this control.

Good advice. I hope I can remember this. :)

Quote for Today:

"I wish I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand, and beg people to throw me all their wasted hours."
- Bernard Berenson -

LOOK!
Scroll down...

down...

down...

You're going to see my cutie LOTR adoptees! All nine walkers!
Also some buttons to link you to nice sites. TPTS buttons courtesy of Laurice.

I know I'm bombarding this blog with questions, but since I don't have the answers to these, I think it's better to place it here and hope that eventually, I will be able to answer them.

Why is it that there are people who have difficulty loving and giving all his/her heart to another? I mean, just committing to a certain individual. Yes, we love our family, relatives, friends, etc., but they are included in our "comfort zone". We know them. We know that they will accept us no matter who or what we are. I'm talking about giving the entire heart to a special person and taking all the risks and accepting all the consequences that will happen after that.

It's easy to say "I love you" but difficult to show it. It's like sharing your heart to many different individuals but the love is not really strong enough to undergo challenges, since the part given is a small one. You have not decided to commit yourself to that one person. Is it possible to commit to many persons? In my opinion, no.

What will it take to make you decide to give everything? An assurance that the other person will also give you everything he/she has? Is it possible to commit to a person who has not committed himself/herself to you?

I have heard and read a lot of stories of "martyrdom" and many times, I've been told to love unconditionally. But since I'm scared or selfish, I don't want to love without being loved in return. I've had my share of that "martyrdom" since God knows when. Now I'm beginning to realize that my defense mechanism to that is not to fall too quickly. Oftentimes, I hurt feelings if I don't acknowledge them. I crawl to my shell and they won't have the guts to even come near it. That's why they call me insensitive. Hahaha! If they only knew.

But then how would we know when to grab the chance? To completely jump into the cliff without hesitation? I just hope it won't be too late. Too late to realize that person's worth. :(

Why do people have difficulty trusting? Like when something is too good to be true, there's always a catch?
If only we can see life and the world again through a child's eyes...

"Every memorable act in the history of the world is a triumph of enthusiasm. Nothing great was ever achieved without it because it gives any challenge or any occupation, no matter how frightening or difficult, a new meaning. Without enthusiasm you are doomed to a life of mediocrity but with it you can accomplish miracles."

- Og Mandino -

I had my final interview earlier. Dunno what's my status since the interviewer is really good in masking her emotions-- disgust, approval, etc. Seems like she's bored with my answers. She asked me how knew Miao and of course, I had to explain The Philippine Tolkien Society and all those stuff...

Anyways, if I get a call during the weekend, I'm starting the training next week. I'm kinda wondering how I could tell Doc and the gang that I'm not going to continue with the study anymore. Actually, continuing as a research assistant is only Plan B for me just in case I don't get the job.

That's the reason why my mother and I argued. She wanted me to continue with the study since I don't work everyday as a study nurse and I only work half-day and I get maybe a bit less than what I would get from working in a callcenter. She can't understand why I would "slave" for at least 8 hours a day and with erratic time schedule and just get an additional thousand or so.

Some of my reasons are:
1. I can buy two CD's or a book or more prepaid load for that additional earning.
2. I work with more people and I can meet new (and old) friends.
3. I want a new environment, since sometimes it's boring just waiting when the boss is available.
4. I can leave anytime I want when my applications for abroad is approved.
5. Workplace is just 15-20 minutes away from home.
6. I want to experience working there. It's a nice place.
7. I want order in my job (I am a Melancholy) -- exact time and day for me to work
(These are all I can think of as of the moment.)

I'm meeting with Doc on Friday. Whatever happens, I'll just watch out for omens and decide on them. ;)

Don't shed tears for someone who hurts you. Don't feel sorry if you failed when you tried your best. You should not be stupid enough to fall inlove with someone stupid enough not to fall for someone as special as you.

*sigh*

Man is just about as happy as he makes up his mind to be.

I saw this somewhere. Don't know who said or wrote this. But I'm thinking of making this my mantra now.

:)

Thanks to Miao, Joy and I were able to apply for a job at Info NXX. Not related to my course, but it's just temporary. That would give me enough time to process my documents for abroad and then earn some moolah at the same time. I think I'll enjoy a working experience in that field. That would help improve my verbal communication skills since I know that's one of my weakest points. I am more of a showy person than a talker and I express myself better in writing. (That's why I have this blog!). Interview and exams are through. Whew! Final interview on Wednesday! Wish me luck! :)

Got a package from the New Jersey Board of Physical Therapy today! Exciting! But what's weird is that, I can't remember ever applying for a temporary license there. Hmmm... Actually, I just ordered a bulletin from TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language), but the bulletin has not arrived yet. Then this package came. It was cool 'coz it contains info I need to work there and even the papers are complete. I wonder who sent me that. My Tita has not confirmed anything about it.

Another mystery in my life. Gotta ask my mom about it later.

US or UK?

Still confused.

Why do we have standards? In everything we do, we have a certain criteria to follow in order for us to judge what's good and not good for us. Why is it that sometimes, we are not satisfied with what we have and we keep searching for more? Come to think of it, is there really a "more" out there? Are we going to wait in vain?

We keep searching for whats best for us. It may not be perfect as long as we believe it's the best among the rest. I mean, why wait for something for so long and then settle for second best?

But... what if what you thought was second best was actually the best there is?

Welcome to my confusing world. :)

Not only is my mind whirling and twirling, I also have this wall around me that no one can penetrate. These past few weeks, I have been trying to break that wall -- that crab shell (I'm a CANCER). I feel like I need someone to help me, but I notice that people back-out whenever they encounter that wall. They will test the foundation and try to move it, but when the time comes that I'm totally leaning on them to break it, they give up and leave me.

NOTE: Oh and by the way, if youre reading this Mr. Astaroth, I just wanna tell you that I would still want to meet you someday.

I'm Classic-Cute!! made by Jen



Nice and Pretty!
You have an everlasting cuteness 'bout yourself.
You are admired for your calm exterior and stoic personality.
Why fix it if it ain't broke??
Classics are always a precious commodity.

What's YOUR Writing Style?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a narrative writer. Usually a writer of stories rather than poetry, you grew up reading Shakespeare's less popular and heard of plays--like King Lear or the Henry series. Your writing contains a certain order and organization--be it chronological or otherwise. If you are to write poetry, it has to convey a logical (or perhaps unreal) story with some sort of order behind it.

Thanks aelaishia for this quiz!

Sanctuary: noun. A place of refuge, asylum; hence, immunity.

We all have that special place -- a place where we escape the harshness of reality. It may be a little corner in your room, a small table in a cafe, in front of the PC, inside the moviehouse. It's a place where we can be ourselves, where we are comfortable. A place where we can detach ourselves from our surroundings for a while. We spend a quite moment, maybe with a book, some music, or just with ourselves. Where we could spend some time trying to connect with our spirits, or maybe just to let out some hidden feeling trapped deep inside. A place where no one could disturb us and we can be whatever we want to be and do whatever we want to do.

For the past few years, I have my own santuaries wherever I go. But in the place I currently live in, it's the bathroom. Yes, the "comfort" room in every sense of the word. Living in a small apartment with seven people and sharing a bed with my sis doesn't really give me that much space -- especially personal space.

I go there to do things I don't want people to see. I think we all do. Hehehe! But most of all, when I need to be alone and I need to let my anger out, I just cry there. No pretentions. Hey, we always feel better after leaving the bathroom. :)

Where is your sanctuary?

I am pissed off. I have to log this in to get this off my chest.

Have you ever experienced a day when nothing seems to go right?
When people come from out of nowhere to ruin your plans and deflate your ego?
When you wish to be at some other place, living another life?
When you sing "Life's a b*tch, I hope I die... SOON" instead of "Life's a b*tch and then you die"?
When you think all the people who mean to you, the very reasons why your making plans and working your butt off, don't understand you and stab you in many ways 'til you slowly die?
When you seem to feel like a stranger and people close to you don't know you anymore and then you reach a point when you also don't know yourself?
When people call you a b*itch -- even the ones closest to your heart -- and actually believing them?
When people think you are like anesthesia, so insensitive to other people's feelings?

If only they knew.
How hard life is.
How you just want to break down and cry and hope that after you've shed all your tears, all your problems are gone -- forever.
If only they knew.
How I act like a sponge, absorbing everything, digesting and analyzing everything... then forming a shell in order for me not to show my real emotions. Thinking it's a strategy to protect myself and protect other people.
Maybe that's why they call me insensitive. Or a b*tch.
If only they knew.
How I feel whenever I'm alone, thinking things over, wondering where's life leading me.
If only they knew.
How I feel so full I want to burst, but people around me think I'm empty inside.
If only they knew what I'm going through now.

Then I'll be happy, even for a while

Just attended a follow-up meeting. Somehow, some things in my life are beginning to make sense again. Hope everything will fall into place soon.

Will accompany my sis to a gig tonight, but I have to finish my application form first.

Really tired today.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Glad I watched it in a really cool theater -- beautiful place, great sound, ergonomic chairs. I promise to watch The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers there. I had quality time with my sis and mom. My sis and I were so excited. I actually forgot some details from the book and I'm glad my sister, who happen to be an HP fanatic, was there to explain.

More cute guys aside from Harry, Ron, Draco, Oliver. I had to add Justin, Tom (Riddle) and the cutie Colin Creevey! I can't wait for Cedric Diggory. ;)

I passed by the mall today. I had to drop by the bookstore and the record store. I know I cannot afford the books I want and I am just waiting for this CD, but then it is not available yet in that branch. I guess God was trying to tell me something about me not purchasing another CD as of the moment. :)

But then I was still tempted. I saw this album You Had Me At Hello..., a compilation of really nice songs. At first I thought, "What a great gift to give a special someone." The cover (a pic of lovers sitting close together on a blue, comfy couch) and the songs say it all. But then I remembered, I have no special someone. So I thought again, "What a nice gift to give myself." I think you know what happened next. :)

I can now predict some sentimental moments ahead... Read on and you'll see why...

The album has 17 songs: (with some of my comments)

1. Someday We'll Know - Mandy Moore and Jonathan Foreman (When I listen to this I remember someone, but then I have the OST of A Walk To Remember too)

2. Insensitive - Jann Arden (I could listen to this over and over again)

3. I'll Be - Edwin McCain (This reminds me of another someone too. Love this song.)

4. Waiting in Vain - Annie Lennox (Woohoo! Relate! Am I waiting in vain?) ;)

5. Brick - Ben Fold Five (Love to listen to this while on the road...)

6. Cool With You - Jennifer Love Hewitt (One of the reasons why i have a JLH album)

7. Galileo - Indigo Girls

8. You Were There - Babyface

9. Tattooed On My Mind - D'Sound (And I can't get this out of my head... Got this as my ringtone too :))

10. Sway - Bic Runga (Listen to this while cruising down the highway, early morning, windows rolled down, the cool and not-yet-polluted wind blowing and tangling your hair and touching your face...)

11. Always you - Spohie Zelmani

12. Sunny Came Home - Shawn Calvin

13. Lullaby - Sharon Mullins

14. As I Lay Me Down - Spohie B. Hawkins (those were the days...)

15. Last Chance - Allure

16. Leaving On A Jetplane - Chantal Kreviazuk (I will sing this when I leave... :) I need a Ben Affleck to hug me in the airport though...)

17. I'm Missing You - Meja (Yeah, I do...)

Nice. Very nice.

I am here, doing my research of an agency who might help me start my career abroad. Brinell International Partners, Inc. Thanks to Joy's parents, we spent the entire afternoon meeting the man in charge for deploying professionals in different countries, including us, physical therapists. We learned that he knew some people we know from CAMP and PGH. Small world.

One of the discussions covered the topic about UK-NARIC or the National Academic Recognition Information Center for the UK. He told us he has difficulty finding employees to work abroad since UK-NARIC only accredits four schools- University of the Philippines, Ateneo de Manila University, University of Sto. Tomas and De La Salle University. Am I glad to be a UP graduate. :)

Hopefully, we will be deployed as soon as our papers are complete. We will just pay for the exam. No placement fee needed since the principal (hospital needing the employees) will be paying them instead.

But then I have an interview on Monday for the call center job. I am quite messed up. I guess I will push through with the interview, although I am not sure what's gonna happen if my visa will be approved just in case I get that job.

The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical,
unreasonaqble, and
self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good,
people will accuse you
of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win
false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today
will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness
make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with
the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women
with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favour underdogs
but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building
may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may
attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have
and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Kent M. Keith

Thanks Cris for sending me this.

I started this day by watching Westlife in a one-hour Pop Myx special at midnight. Then singing along to all their videos wth a friend. I had to wake my sis up and she was grateful 'coz I robbed her an hour's worth of sleep. Hehehe!

I was also able to change my mobile phone number. At least, I can now accept and make voice calls.

Later, we will be ending the day watching Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets in a nice cinema.

Oh, and I may volunteer in a clinic if I want to apply for London. Now, I dunno what to do. (Again.)

Talked to Alvin for a while last night. That guy has plans. Hahaha! I think I'm included in one of those plans but, oh well, I have my own plans too. ;)

Talked to Joy last night too. It was the longest we've ever talked in our entire lives! We learned we have so many things in common. I guess I'm really glad we somehow have each other as friends.

These past few weeks, I have been waiting for omens. Omens that would help me realize my Personal Legend (Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist"). I woke up with a heavy heart, then by some twist of fate, things suddenly changed.

Joy woke me up and told me about the news that her mom knows someone who's desperately looking for therapists for London. Lucky since our school is one of the three schools accredited by the UK so we're not having any problems with that. I hope we won't need to take any exams whatsoever. Actually, we had to have two years experience, but then who knows? We can make changes. It's different since I never felt this excited compared to my plans of working in the U.S. We were even thinking about what we're going to do there and we just laughed it off. Joy's parents are excited about it. My mom told me she has a "different" feeling about it. We were actually making plans! That made me feel "up and running", thinking of the thought that before Christmas, we could really leave for London, one of the places here on earth I would love to go to.

Just made a reservation for Harry Potter: Chamber of Secrets in Greenbelt 3!!! I am so excited! I wonder what I would feel like when it's The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers... Hehehe! :)

Attended the moot a while ago. Loved our Quento. Galing talaga ni Miao at May Anne... Happy to meet old and new faces.

I feel really lazy today... Ho-hum! Hmm..hmmm... I used to like spending time alone, like when I'm commuting from one place to another, or when I just decide to go to the mall and observe people or watch a movie... Well, I don't do that nowadays since I don't have the money I used to have. But then I feel sad whenever I'm alone these past few days. Nothing in particular really triggers that "sadness". Thoughts just run through my mind when my hands are idle. I love to think and watch, but sometimes, I feel more depressed whenever I do that.

I got to talk with Alvin after the "John incident". Joy was already asleep then and I was draining my tear glands. I don't have the heart to wake her up and I was not in the mood to sleep.

Sometimes, there are people who would be available whenever you need them. People you'd never expect to help you when you really need help, in one way or another. I'm glad I met those kinds of people. People I can call my real friends. They may or may not be able to read this entry but I will do my best to be worthy of their friendship.

Thanks.

I am stuck. Stagnant. Facing my quarter life crisis three years earlier than expected.

Glad I attended the BBS today. Met Allan Benjamin, an Emerald from Malaysia and Norman Leonard, a Double Diamond, husband of Glenda who spoke two WES ago, from Australia.

But I am feeling sick again since it's raining so hard and my lymph nodes are tender. I can feel another virus attack in my system. I think I need daily supplements to boost my immune system.

I thought my meeting with John went well... until we talked later than night. To cut the story short, he was not worth it. He was pressuring me of telling him I love him too. Actually, I just needed more time. I mean, hello? We just met. He made the mistake of comparing me to other girls he was with and thinking that all his tactics will work like before. But I'm not like them. Another lesson learned. Being open to someone has its disadvantages too. He pointed out all my flaws-- telling me if I continue being "unreachable", I will never meet someone who will understand me and eventually, fall in love with me. Ok fine.

Since I am the sensitive type, his "bombarding" me with all my flaws made me sniff a bit, thinking I am the one with the problem. But after talking to some friends, I learned that they understand me. That means he was the problem, not me.

I don't think my personality was the problem too. I know I have this world-- this shell-- around me and it's difficult for others to penetrate it. Actually, he was beginning to pry open my shell and I was letting him! Then he blew the chance by telling me he doesn't understand me and I snapped my shell shut again. Maybe it was not the right time. Maybe he was not the right guy. He was too aggressive for me. Not stable at all. Not my type. :)

James chickened out. What a sissy. He agreed to meet with me. I was with a couple of friends. Then he sent me an SMS and told me he saw me and he's happy. Then he did NOT introduce himself. He just kept running away from us. One way. Not fair. I was pissed off. But what the heck.

I had a henna tattoo done over my right wrist. An outlet of all the challenges I'm facing right now. It's temporary. It will fade after two weeks. That will remind me that these challenges are also temporary. *cross fingers*

One of the few days my horoscope was right. Hehehe!

CANCER
Horoscope (by Astrocenter.com)
You may spend much of your day today, dear Cancer, trying to sort out financial matters, either for yourself, for your job, or perhaps for a friend or relative. A lot of research, perhaps from the Internet, as well as a lot of phone calls could be necessary in order to accomplish this. Whatever you decide to do today, you will attack it with determination, and feel a great deal of satisfaction when you're done. Go for it!
Teenscope (by Astrology.com)
Don't just treat symptoms: Seek a cure. If you keep on running, sooner or later you won't be able to see the road. Take a stand and see how it feels. The work is hard, but if you go for it, the reward is fine.

This is the major weird reading of them all...
Some great and lively conversations are in store for you today. If you are attending any form of social gathering, then expect it to be fun. If you are single and looking for love, then don't stay at home; accept any invitations that are given you, and talk yourself hoarse. Love comes through sharing your interests with others, and allowing them into your world.

I am going to the preview in AIM tonight and I will be meeting John before the preview. He also asked me last night what he has to do for him to be able to get into my world. Nyarh! Weird.

I also got two options for my job: (1) a callcenter where I could get better pay but not in any way related to my profession; 6-month contract so I could still go to the US by next year. (2) a PT job in a casino clinic. Good pay but I have to stay here in order to be a permanent employee.

Torn.

Met two guys these past few days. Guys who kinda changed my outlook on men and love. Guys who made me think if being "single and avalaible" is what Im gonna be for the rest of my life. I dunno what to do now.

Lemme just call them John and James.

John is the Sanguine-Choleric type. He is just fast a a whirlwind but I appreciate everything he has done for me. He is my complement temperament and I can understand why. Florence Littauer (the author of Personality Plus) makes sense. We will have a "date" tonight. Oh God please help! :)

James is quite the opposite. Somehow I think there is a Phlegmatic in him but I am not sure. He has given me subtle hints (too subtle compared to John). He sounds like my cousin (the one I have a crush on. Hehehe!)

I am torn. They both are ok. They both interest me and I would let to know them better. Both know about the existence of each other. They have two different reactions to that. One came first and doesn't want another "competition". One just gives way since he is not the "first". They confuse me. Argh! Why do they have to come at the same time when I had my whole 22 years of existence before me? Or am I that late a bloomer?

I read in a book once that once somebody gets to see the real you and appreciate who you are, the whole world will open up to that and people would start seeing the real you too. It applies in a romantic sort of way. Maybe that's the reason.

My left eye is irritated again. After spending time with Joy yesterday, I learned that maybe it's irritated from wearing contact lens. I have to let adoctor see it and for now, not use my contacts. I'm gonna be squinting most of the time.

Joy and I had a memorable time yesterday. We met up with Joan too. But it was really with Joy I spent some quality and quantity time with. I think after five years of friendship, at last she decided to open up with me. It was really nice since we have so many things in common (re: current problems). I am glad she trusted me now and I'm happy to have another bestfriend around. At least she wont be a "stranger" anymore.

Gotta check me mails. I am having sore throat from talking for a long time last night and my left eye is red. I think I'm falling apart

I will put this in my dream book. Love this poem. Got it from one of John C. Maxwell's lectures.

“BEWARE OF DREAM-STEALERS”

The dangerous people are not the ones
Who hit you with clubs and rob you with guns
The thief won’t attack your character trait
Or belittle your abilities to your face

It’s likely to be the well-meaning friend
Who merely crushes your will to win
No, he doesn’t rob you at the point of a gun
He simply tells you, “It can’t be done.”

When pointing to thousands who already are
He simply says, “They’re superior,
Personality wise and ability to,
They’re way ahead of what others can do.”

It matters not that his words are untrue
For you feel others must know you too
So here you are
Robbed of your dreams, your hopes to succeed,
Robbed of material blessings received
Robbed of your faith that says, “I can”
And robbed of an ignorant, gun-less friend

So the deadliest of men is not he with a gun
But the one who tells you “It can’t be done”
For that taken by robbers can be gotten again
But who can replace your will to win?

I am doing ok now. Got lots of things to do for the mootzine were making. Still have no dough though I dunno how to get the black shirts. I am also inquiring for exams I have to take in order to complete my requirements for the U.S.

By the way, DJ will be studying Nursing soon. Good for him. He has a scholarship. Wish I had too.

Joy and I talked a while ago. She told me about Laurice's problems and what her mom told her. I feel sad.

I am also kinda confused about what to do in order to take the next steps in our career. Lots of options but very, very confusing. Not to mention scary.

I can teach in a review center and I might be assigned to different places in the country but the pay is not fixed. I don't think I can risk that since I am the breadwinner of the family now.

I can apply for work with good pay but not related to my profession. I think I will go for that. A six-month contract is enough for me to prepare my requirements for the US. I have to finish my current job first, but I guess we're through this month.

I wanna get out of here.

I have sore eyes. I am a walking virus. Hehehehe! I've been on antibiotics for three days now. Still have the flu...

Too bad I can't attend the NIO at the Fernandez residence today.

Laurice called. Discussed about "PT dilemmas" and I really want to clear everything up for us so we can start our careers and go on with our lives. It's hard.

An old pal called last night. Somehow, that dug up some past wounds and I just don't wanna think about those people anymore. I just hate it when people accuse me of something I haven't done, or know me as someone I am not. I don't understand why there are people who spend their lives ruining other people's lives. I wish I were a real b*itch, I may have made their lives miserable now. But then I chose to be silent, believe in the truth and be glad that somehow, there are people who still believe in the real me.

Dear Lord, please give them a life. So they won't need other people's lives in order for them to live.

Whatta pity.