I had to go through two additional hours of grueling work earlier today. My first day of the week and I am already tired.

Nuninuninuninuninuninuninu...

Can't wait for the weekend.

Child Psychology

At 23, I never thought I could play the role of "the other woman" in a child's eyes. But I did. It was not easy. I was anxious of what the kid's perception and impression of me would be. Glad I am used to dealing with kids. I think he was quite comfortable with me around. Lucky him 'coz I was not. I was thinking, "Man, I am too young for this!" I mean, he thought I was his mom's friend, but his dad explained to him our relationship. I am not sure if he understood or not. Maybe in some deep recesses of his brain, he did understand. But we shared chips while watching TV together. Despite the 2-hour travel to get to his place, it was worth it. The sunset reflecting by the bay was amazing also. Too bad I did not have a cam with me.

HE has a son. I think this is the first time that I opened this fact in my blog. That is one of the reasons why I am hesitant to let my parents know about our relationship. At 33, he has his own share of life and "mistakes". His son was adopted by his older sister since the mother already has a family of her own, living in another continent with another man. I am not sure if the child is aware, at age 10, of his situation. He knows he has a lot of Mamas, Papas, Dads and Moms. He has been through a lot of transfers-- from one house to another and from one school to another... different people and places.

I also wanted to meet the kid because HE told me that he has problems coping up with class. I was able to note some things:

1. He likes to concentrate on computer games, gameboy, mobile phone games, TV as if his eyes are not tired. The boy has glasses now and is undergoing eye treatment due to unnecessary fast blinking of both eyes and eye irritation.

2. He is not autistic since he likes to talk to people. But sometimes he skips from one topic to another completely different topic. Like his thoughts don't have coherence at all.

3. Sometimes he talks to himself too!

4. He gets upset easily, has short temper but is not violent.

5. He understands but he can't seem to cope with school. He thinks the teacher is too fast-paced for him.

6. If he is interacting with other kids, there is a noted difference in his actions and reactions from them.

I dunno what diagnosis to give since I don't have a child psychology degree. He's special in some way but is not entirely abnormal. I think it would be best for him to consult a child psychologist.

But it was one different weekend experience.

Tough day at work today but I'm glad it's Saturday.
I am so freakin' tired...

My team at work will be going to Tagaytay next Saturday for an overnight stay. Hope it's going to be fun. I may not see him for two weeks though since the week after that, he will be in the province again.

Oh and a friend is celebrating a birthday today. He may not read my blog since I would die of embarrassment if he reads this. He is not aware of the existence of this blog and I want to leave it at that. He was... er... is my crush and I think I mentioned him in one of my posts before. Anyways, here goes...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WESLEY!

Before going for work, I caught a glimpse of a documentary in one of the travel channels in cable showing the sights and sounds of some towns and cities in the northern part of Negros, an island where I was born.

I just realized I miss my hometown. It's been about 10 years since I went home and visited my relatives there. It's such a beautiful place that I promise myself once I can afford it, I'll build a house for my parents there so they can retire without the hassle of city life. Yes, Bacolod City is there but it's not as fast-paced and as polluted as Manila. Lifestyle is less expensive too.

Anyways, it was a refreshing view after all that Joey-Kris-STD talk on TV. Hehehe!

I'm starting this diet today but without a companion while going through with this, it's tough. I hope this works...

Everything is ok now, with us, I mean. We might see each other on Friday 'coz I'll be meeting my friends on Saturday.

He is still sick and I hope he gets well soon (before we meet so I'll not get runny nose when I take calls). Hehehe!

He was drunk last night and that explained it. He is sick right now (headache and runny nose) and I think it is just karma. Hehehe! After an abundance of apologies and bucketful of tears, everything is ok now. Let's hope we can keep it at that. At least he knows I need help in keeping this relationship.

I'm here at work wearing my college white uniform. It's a bit small for me since I got fatter after 3 years but I sure miss wearing white. This is my get-up at work tonight since we are having this program of increasing our productiviy and one of the plans was for us to wear a "motif" once a week. This week is a "school wear" week. At first it was embarrassing since I'm wearing all white but when someone asks me what school this is, I proudly say "UP. PT." Oh yeah! I miss being a student although I don't miss most of my instructors. Hahahaha!

Belated Happy Birthday to YOU!!!

Over-analysis

Had my share of fresh air last weekend. I did not go OT since apparently there was no demand for additional manpower last weekend. I had to rest but I will be having lower pay this coming payday. That's ok.

We had a long talk this weekend. About him and his problems about his family, then about me and my problems. He gave me valuable advice. I think I have shared more things to him in a span of about 6 hours compared to what I shared to most of my friends--- like what happened when I was in elementary that made me decide to spend my high school life buried in school books just to please my parents... and what happened when I was in high school that made me decide I should have fun in college, but I never had that much fun since my course was demanding as hell... He got to know me better and vice versa. It felt good to open up to someone.

Then he when I asked him whether he thinks our relationship had a purpose or direction. He told me he knows I have to work abroad and he has other plans for his career too. But I was surprised when he opened up the subject of marriage. I already knew he was looking at a future alone and without a companion, but I never knew our relationship can make him change his mind. But then again, we both are not ready for the seriousness of matrimony since we can hardly take care of the relationship we have now.

Anyways, all was ok until tonight when I called him to ask how he was doing. He said he is watching TV and is about to sleep. Then I heard voices in the background telling my instinct that there is some kind of a party out there. Then I asked him. There was no need to lie since I would understand. He has male friends and they want to get together and talk and drink sometimes. But he does not have to cover it up. How can I trust him if he gives me reason to doubt?

Then after two days of serenity, I'm mad at him again. I'm at work already and he keeps calling. Of course I won't get to answer my mobile. He left a message that they just came when I called so he did not get to tell me first. Actually, the reason why I called him was that he was sending me messages that made me think either he is too sleepy or he is drunk. Then after a while he told me he just drank one beer. But then I thought his friends just arrived, right? Does 1 and 2 make 2? I don't think so.

I can be a very good psychiatrist or private detective. I have this tendency to over-analyze things. Maybe that's my problem.

And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like i
Overjoyed, over loved, over you
~Stevie Wonder, "Overjoyed"

We started to talk to each other. I mean, really talk. There are still problems but it was a good start.

Meeting with friends tomorrow was postponed to next week. One will be going to a farewell party. The other one had death in the family. Too bad.

Got some alternate plans though. Hehehe! May do OT (but not quite sure yet) since work is demanding these past few days due to hurricane Isabel in the U.S. But before doing OT, I may get to smell the fresh air of Cavite later. Whoopee!

Today is the day. Gotta do some serious talking. Wish me luck!

Ever felt tired after sleeping for 6 or more hours? Yes, right after waking up. Weird huh? One of the signs of stress. Mental stress affecting the physical part. Been experiencing that for quite sometime now. I dunno if I need a fellow physical therapist or a shrink.

Death Test



"I'm afraid we have some bad news. Please, you might want to stay seated."

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

February 7, 2063 at the age of 82 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:

Cancer (24%)
Alien Abduction (14%)
Heart Attack (7%)
Homicide (7%)
Alcoholism (7%)
Horrible Accident (7%)
Loneliness (7%)

I never thought I'd reach that age.

I just attended a stress management class and I learned and decided to maintain my "outlet" in order to let all my "issues" out. So here goes...

Commitment

Aside from not meeting Mr. Right, another reason why I stayed single for about 22 years was that I am afraid of commitment. I did not think I was ready. No, it's not because I want to go out with as many guys as possible and have flings first before getting serious. It's actually the opposite. The reason was because I knew that when I fall with a person, I really fall hard. Yes, I do "fall" several times a day. I've had hundreds of crushes ever since I was 7 years old. But I told myself that when I find someone who will also love me and appreciate my existence, and that when I finally fall in love, THAT IS IT. It's like falling into an abyss. There's no turning back.

I remember some guy told me before that I'm the ice princess. He said I have this wall around me that keeps me inside and also keeps other people out. If he only knew...

I'm a crab. I have this protective shell around me. It keeps me in a comfort zone because deep inside is a soft and weak being. If someone would be able to pry it open, then that someone will see the real me. That's why I was careful in choosing the people who'll get the chance break that wall.

--------------------

We were supposed to meet tomorrow, but since he has to prioritize his family first, we'll postpone the plan for another day.

I have been trying to convince myself that it's ok... that he has his own priorities... that I don't have the right to demand something from him, especially something as precious as time. I think I'll get used to that since I know people have their own way of expressing love and care. It may not be enough for me, but he may already be giving it his best shot... Right? (There goes my insecurity.)

I'm writing all of these knowing he won't get to read it. Someday probably but at least not now.

I feel torn.

Something inside me is telling me I want to sepnd more time with him. I want to know his feelings, to know what he thinks, to laugh with him, to share my thoughts with--- things that text messages and phonecalls cannot suffice. I want to tell him that I'm giving this relationship my best shot but I think I'm the only one struggling.

But another part of me is telling myself to give him space. I don't want him to tell me he's getting "suffocated" already. I understand that he has his own life and that my life does not revolve around him. (Does it?) I know that I lived before I met him and I will survive even if he's not around.

Yes. Probably. But it will never be the same.

--------------------

Before, I can be alone and not feel lonely, but now, I feel lonely whenever I'm alone.

I had a short talk with him yesterday. He has fulfilled his "duties" and I'm glad that he is responsible enough.

Got a card from the mail today. Yes, the snail mail. It was sent by a college friend who lives a few miles away from me. We are in the same city, but I dunno what she was thinking when she sent me a card with a smiley face on it. I was glad though since she made me smile for a while. I also felt guilty coz I haven't seen my friends for some time now. That's why I'm meeting them this Saturday.

It's only Wednesday and I feel so tired. Probably it's all in the mind... You know what I mean.

Listen In

A special team was made for a prospective client of our company. I dunno if it would make me feel better when I knew that some business-looking foreigners will be barging in on our calls (yeah, and that includes ME). I dunno if being chosen as one of the reps will make me feel scared or proud as hell. I'll try my best, but I assure you that with the quality that I will be showing, time will be sacrificed. That means better quality, longer time. I had to choose one, you know. So goodbye handling time! Mwahahahaha!
(Whatever.)

Oh by the way, I got a message from him telling me I am not "strangling" him. This was his reply to my dramatic and apologetic message to him last night while he was asleep. He is bound to some "family duties" today. Darn, I miss him.

Addiction

I am comfortable with him. Then I just realized I'm getting too attached. Why? Because I get overly concerned about his problems--- problems that I should not be worrying about in the first place. It feels like I can't live without thinking about him for an hour. I need to see him. Before, once a week was enough. Now, I want to see him more often than that. I dunno why I'm feeling this way. I mean, I've done stupid things for him, I am aware of that, and I can't seem to correct myself. Do I really need correcting? Or should I go with what my thoughts and feelings tell me? Is love this addicting?

Sometimes I feel selfish. I know I have accepted him and I love him for what he is. But sometimes people do carry excess baggage. We have to live with that. Although I have tried to tell myself that it does not really matter coz I love him, sometimes it does. I mean, I get jealous when he spends time with his family and loved ones and I, of all people, know what family responsibilities mean. Isn't that pathetic?

It's like I need to know what's happening to him everyday. I dunno. Sometimes I pick fights with him for the shallowest reasons. He knows when I'm mad and he apologizes even if we both know it was me who started it. Sometimes I wonder if I have already "strangled" him to a point where I am not giving him space to breathe anymore.

I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say
~"Thing's I'll Never Say", Avril Lavigne

It may be too late but I just want to note this in my blog.

Yesterday was the anniversary of 9-11.

It was our sixth month together.

I'm glad.

NEW LAY-OUT!

Thanks to YOU. True blue! Not to mention Orlando (my Legolas!) is always there to stare at me with THAT look! Plus new comment box. I can't find a suitable enough comment box for the new lay-out so I just settled with this.

Congratulations and Best Wishes Mr. and Mrs. Eco!


Wishing you all the best in life. Get well soon to Kat.

I had 8 hours sleep earlier but I still feel weak. I took some meds again just to lessen the body aches in order for me to go through 8 more hours of work. I never had this problem before when I have my monthly period. I wonder what happened...

My cousin left earlier. She's going back home to Iloilo. I'm not feeling well today. I think having my monthly period is making me more tired than usual. I have these body aches and pains that I'd rather stay in bed and rest. But I had to work. So here I am.

Wild Grass

I noticed wild grass growing by the roadside while on my way to work. They are dirty compared to the grass that grows in the province. They are covered with soot from the city pollution. Then I wondered how it would feel to live like a wild grass growing by the highway.

The weekend was fine. It was like a void in-between nightmares, but I appreciate the rest time it gave me and the bonding time with my cousin. She is migrating to the U.S. before the year ends. Lucky her.

Earlier today, I saw my mother cry. No, not just cry with tears rolling down her cheeks the way she does when reading a sad book or watching a sad movie or crying over a dead relative. My mother is a strong woman, she seldom cries... well, in front of us that is. But I saw her today. She didn't just cry. She sobbed. Out loud. As if she wants all the heaviness in her heart to pour out like her tears.

A few minutes before that, I was the sole witness to an argument between her and my father. It was about money, as usual. The reason was that my father spent a part of the money I gave them last week. He said he bought food with it. You see, my father is the family cook. With that, he is also the one buying our daily food in the nearby market. Then my mother, like her usual self, scolded him. She said that gave him budget for food. He should have been careful enough not to spend too much since we live on a daily budget. Not to mention the fact that our landlord has been on our case with our two-month unpaid rent.

They were arguing and I made a swift exit to the silence of my room. Then my mother went to me and asked me if it was okay if we just give our PC as a payment. (You see, the PC was a graduation gift to me.) I said yes. (I had difficulty saying it but I had to.) It was not just the PC. It includes the table, speakers, printer and scanner. It was not worth two months of rent. But better give it than find ourselves without a home. She left me alone and after a while I went to my brother's room. My brother was at school that time and my mom was there. We just looked at each other then I looked away. Then there was a phonecall for her. I went back to the room and she was there, sobbing. She did not take the call so I had to make up a lame excuse to the caller.

I didn't know what to feel that time. I wanted to cry but I can't. I have been crying almost every night for the past few weeks and that time, the tears won't flow. I felt heavy inside. As if I realized for the first time the burden of our problems at home-- the same problems I want to escape from.

I did not kiss my father good bye before I left for work. Usually he is watching TV or sleeping already before I leave the house. My mom said he was outside. Probably getting some cool air and thinking some things out. My mother was worried because she thought my father got lost or something. (He's old so that is possible. He is already 60.) Or he might be in one of his crazy moods and might spend the night on the streets. (He never did that before though. I was just thinking he could do that because my father sometimes do overreact and is super sensitive, which I think, is due to old age too.)

Some people say, it's just money. That I'm lucky I still have my family with me. That love, not money, makes the world go round. Probably that person has not experienced poverty yet. He/she does not know how bad it can be for a family who is struggling to maintain the bond that ties them together, just because of a piece of paper with value. How other people would resort to crimes just for the money. I am just glad we keep on struggling and we did not have to resort to that.

There are times when I want to be a different person. When I wonder why good things happen to other people and not to me.

Then I'm thinking of the wild grass growing by the highway. They are existing, but I don't know for what purpose exactly. They're just there, swaying with the polluted wind, gathering all the soot. Forgotten and unloved.

Would I trade my life with that of a wild grass?

(thinks for a moment)

Probably not.

After a 3-hour delay, I was finally able to take my meal break. This day was tough. Glad it's Friday. Hope my luck changes this weekend.

The Plagiarist

Though I read only my friends' blogs, I just joined a movement against (blog) plagiarism. I got it from a friend and I think it sucks when other people copy your work. Personally, I would not want someone, especially a stranger, claim my work as her/his own. I mean, don't you have your own talents and skills for that? Or is the only skill you have just copying? I dunno what I would feel if I read someone else's blog and find my exact same words and experiences there. I'll probably squeeze her eyes out of her face when I see her so she cannot read anymore. (Gross, huh?) Hahaha!

I'm going to write more about this after work. I have used up half of my meal break because of this. But that's ok. I think it's good I have another thing to focus on.

Slept for ten hours. I thought it may help lessen the stress. It didn't. I woke up not speaking a word to my cousin. I have nothing to say to her. They were watching "Harry Potter" earlier. My sis tried to place magical ink on my shirt and I just snapped at her. I'm such a bitch.

I was late at work. I don't want to go back but I have to. Yesterday, I had a caller who used foul words at me. (Damn fuckin' shit?) I was so angry and sad that time I want to cry. But I did not. It was not my fault. It was his stupidity. I think the stress is too much on this job. The pay is not worth it. But I need the pay. I have problems myself and when I get to work I am also bombarded with other people's problems.

My sister knew I was crying while I was preparing for work. I just don't want to continue this daily routine anymore. SSDD. I was just sad since I called him and he made me realize that a lot of people are counting on me. He told me the dreams I had before. It's just frustrating to dream and then realize they will just remain dreams. So, I just stopped dreaming. I don't know what to do now. I don't know what I need to do to stop feeling this way.

I'm glad he is there. We'll meet up tomorrow for breakfast.

Blog-niversary

I just noticed that it's nearly a year since I started blogging.

Aztec Gold?

I had a few experiences today that made me remember something that Captain Jack Sparrow (from "Pirates of the Caribbean") said about treasures and greed. The thought goes something like "When it comes to money, even honest people turn bad".

I arrived home and my parents told me that our landlord is demanding our monthly rent again. Actually, it would be two months on the 20th but still I don't know what prompted them to send a warning letter for us to pay the whole two months even if we only missed a month's worth of payment as of now. I dunno what to do with since I'm not earning big bucks but I may know why my parents told me that. They want me to find another way to "get" the money. Yes, borrow (again) and I don't think I have the face and the guts to do that anymore. I have savings so I can pay my previous debts (I really am uncomfortable when I have financial debts) but that is the most I can offer them. I told them, no I cannot borrow anymore and I know my savings are not enough but I hope they'll settle with that.

My mother told me that the landlord is actually eyeing our home PC (which is worth more than our unpaid rent) that's why they are demanding. I am not familiar with legal issues but since we already stayed in that apartment for almost ten years now, aren't we supposed to have like a "grace period" if we are not able to pay the rent on time? Right?

I went to work with a heavy feeling inside. I never got to enjoy the company of my cousin, who is staying with us right now, due to my weird and anti-social schedule. My daily transportation to work is a cab since there are no more jeepneys taking my route after 9PM (and my work starts 10PM) and it's too far and dangerous for me to walk to work. So I take a cab and I usually pay P40 and below. Since I know better I usually bring the exact fare, but it just so happened that today (of all days) I only have P100 (that's my budget for the day). I was supposed to pay P39 and I was expecting him to give me back P60. He gave me P50 instead telling me he doesn't have change. Well, I just slammed the car door. I don't want to waste my time and saliva lecturing him that he is not the only person who is in need of money. But I think he's old enough to realize that. P10? Big deal? Yes, big deal. It's P10 off my budget. It will affect the kind of food I'm going to buy during my break tonight.

Tsk tsk!

My cousin arrived from Iloilo. She is staying with us for a week to process her immigration papers. How I envy her.

She's a nurse. Why didn't I take Nursing before instead? Oh well, no use crying over spilled milk. I haven't spent much time with her since I was asleep most of the day when the rest of my family are doing their best to entertain her and make her feel welcome. They went to the mall earlier too, but I was at home asleep. Not to mention the weather is kinda rough lately that I'd rather sleep than get stranded somewhere far from my bed.

This is my last day in my refresher course. I also learned I will be under a new supervisor starting tomorrow. Whoopee! I hope everything goes well in my new team.

He asked me to go out with him tomorrow. He wants to watch "S.W.A.T." with me. It's cool since my schedule will be changing later. I'll get off work at 5AM but I'll be coming in tomorrow at 10PM. Back to my old 10PM-7AM shift.

Had only fourteen calls for my entire shift. My average is fifty within 8 hours. Thank God for Holidays.

Not many calls today. It's Labor Day in the U.S.

I have the Monday syndrome again. I feel lazy here at work. But I'm proud I was not late. I watched "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" VCD earlier with my sis. I had a loadful of Orlando Bloom since last Saturday we also watched "Pirates of the Caribbean".

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I learned that one of my friends will be getting married (civil) this March before they go to New York. Her fiancé will undergo an operation there. Then they plan of getting married (church) in June. She'll be a June bride! *sigh* I can still recall two years ago when we got to know each other. She is actually a year younger than me. A few months ago she was whining that she doesn't have a boyfriend.

Then after that they are going to Singapore to live there since her husband-to-be got a great job offer there. I told her she is lucky. At least she found a man who loves her and they can start a family since he can afford to have one.

I am happy for her.

I also told her that they are both lucky to live a life like that. And I mean, really live... not just survive. I wonder what happened to me for me to reach this point in my life. Is it because I gave up on my dreams a long time ago. Or because I never strived perfection anymore when I started just accepting what life brings to me. Will I be satisfied staying where I am when I know I am not happy? But how will I change my life when everytime I start planning it, people and circumstances just don't cooperate with me? What do I need to do? Or do I need to do something? Or will I just wait for things to happen and change? I feel so helpless and hopeless.