Why does it seem like the world and everything around me are changing and I am the only one left unchanged?

Crossroads

Another friend and colleague of mine left the country today, in search for greener pastures in a foreign land. I don't know when or if I will ever see her again. I just know I miss her as I think of all the days we spent together before and all the things we've been through. I miss my school days and all the people who made them more meaningful.

I haven't seen her or talked to her in years. I felt sad and a bit empty. One part of me wants to do double-time in applying for job positions abroad. That's my adventurous part. Another part wants to keep what I have now. That part is scared of changes and does not want to be alone and be apart from my loved-ones.

I really can't explain how I felt. It's like getting old. When all my friends and loved-ones are dead and I'm the only one left alive. In that situation, a part of me wants to die, but another part is scared of dying.

I'm still going on with my journey, hurrying through the path and searching for crossroads. Hoping that I am meant to take another path in life--- a better one.

As I was thinking of this earlier, I cried. I don't know why. Mithrandir said, "Not all tears are evil." So I let it be.

First day of the work week and I feel tired. Is that stress or what?

Happy Birthday, Papa dear!

Wishes and Dedications

I was listening to this song earlier. It reminded me of a wedding. A good friend will be having his church wedding this Saturday. He is one of the patient, God-fearing, cheerful and thoughtful gentlemen I've ever known. Guys like him are rare. Now, he is tying the knot with the love of his life and all I'm asking is their happiness throughout the years.

To Ecs and Kat
Congratulations and Best Wishes!



Here it is. This song is...

For You
(by Kenny Lattimore)

For you I give a lifetime of stablility
anything you want of me
nothing is impossible
For you there are no words or ways to show my love
or all the thoughts I'm thinking of
'Cause this life is no good alone
since we've become one I've made a change
Everything I do now makes sense
all roads end
all I do is for you

For you I share the cup of love that overflows
and anyone who knows us knows
that I would change all faults I have
For you there is no low or high
or in between of my heart that you haven't seen
'Cause I share all I have and am
nothing I've said is hard to understand
And all I feel I feel deeper still
and always will all this love is for you

Every note that I play
every word I might say
every melody I feel
Are only for you and your appeal
Every page that I write
everyday of my life
would not be filled without the things
That my love for you now brings

For you I'd make a promise of fidelity
now and for eternity
No one could replace this vow
For you I'd take your hand and heart and everything
and add to them a wedding ring
'Cause this life is no good alone
since we've become one you're all I know
And if this feeling should leave I'd die and here's why
All I am is for you

Everything I do now makes sense
all roads end
and all I do...
Is for you
Only for you

Effective reverse psychology.

(Courtesy of Garfield)

Yesterday, I was imagining myself with my friends from TPTS watching "The Return of the King". We have seats reserved already. But now, I'm at work. For six straight days. Tomorrow, I would still be here. I'm suffering for the so-called "honest mistake" some people (who was supposed to do their job) made. Seven straight days of work. If I'm grumpier than usual, then you know the reason why.

It's good though that I have someone who has a positive outlook in life. Talking and spending time with him with his optimistic views in life actually evens out my negative thoughts.

Like Yin and Yang.

SAD

I should not be at work today. Why? Coz I was just informed by my supervisor that my schedule has been changed and I won't have the weekends as days off anymore. So that means no more gimmicks on weekends. I don't know what my new days off are and what my new time schedule would be since they were not considerate enough to call me or inform me though email beforehand. So I'm here working and I should not be here tonight. Then they expect me to report for work tomorrow when I already had plans for the weekend.

Can you just believe that?!

So, will I blame this on SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)***? I don't think so. I know I work at night and I need more than just light therapy. I need a complete summer vacation dammit!

*breathes deeply*

Now, is there anyone out there who would offer me a better work opportunity? I need it badly.

--------------------
***Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time each year. The specific cause of SAD is not clearly understood. However, lack of sunlight caused by the shorter and darker days of winter, darkened or indoor workplaces, and long cloudy spells have been linked to episodes of depression in people with SAD. Some experts think SAD may be caused by a disturbance in the body's natural biological clock (circadian rhythms) or problems with the regulation of a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) called serotonin.

You are more prone to develop seasonal affective disorder (SAD) if you are:

> Female. 60% to 90% of people diagnosed with SAD are women

> An older teen or young adult. Young people are at higher risk for winter depressive episodes. The risk of developing SAD for the first time decreases as you grow older.

> Living far from the equator. People who live in the northern hemisphere develop seasonal affective disorder more often, although you can develop SAD no matter where you live.

> Working at a certain job or living in a situation that keeps you out of sunlight (such as working at night and sleeping during the daylight hours).

(Courtesy of WebMD)

I felt lost today. It seems like I'm leading a mundane existence and I dunno if I'm on the right track or if I'm meant to do the things I'm doing. I woke up and realized I'm living a deadly cycle. Everyday the same old routine. It's so boring. No surprises, no excitement. Nothing whatsoever.

--------------------

I thought this is just another love song. The melody is soothing. Then I read the lyrics. This song actually has a deeper meaning. Love it.

Home
~Brian McKnight~

Thinking back when we first met
I remember what you said
You said you'd never leave me
I let go of your hand
Built my castle in the sand
But now I'm reachin' out again
And I'm not letting go
Till you

Hold me
Mold me
Sometimes I feel so all alone
See I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you
Shape me
Make me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way
Back home

Master upon my knees I pray
I just want to be the clay
Put your arms around me
Place my life in your hands
Lord, I know I'm just a man
I know you understand
This time I'm not letting go
Till you

Anoint me
Appoint me
Sometimes I feel so all alone
See I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you
Chastise me
Baptize me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way

'Cause I'm lost and alone
I've been wandering
Long enough to know
Humbly I search for you
And I'm not gonna rest till you

Choose me
Use me
Sometimes I feel so all alone
I'm on my way back home
So why don't you
Direct me
Bless me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I'm on my way
Back home

Kung Hei Fat Choi!!!
(Happy Chinese New Year!)

Welcome the Year of the Monkey!

Con Pics

No, I have not developed and scanned my pics yet. Since some of you out there may be curious of what actually happened at the con, I asked permission from a friend if I can post her pics instead. So here goes:

All pictures courtesy of Ian Roxas.

(Thank you! It was hard for me to choose which pics to post coz all pics are great!)



Step in to another dimension...




Ribbon-cutting with Kevin Roy and Ryan Agoncillo.






The Philippine Tolkien Society booths
(2nd place winner for best booth)






custom toys on display




swords: Hadhafang and the shards of Narsil




Pinoy Harry Potter
(best booth winner!)




Via Astris
(3rd place for best booth)






TPTS group pics

Winners list:

Best Booth
1st place: Pinoy Harry Potter
2nd place: The Philippine Tolkien Society
3rd place: Via Astris

Best Costume
(17 January 2004)
1st place: Maya
2nd place: Crazy 88
3rd place: The Dark Lord Sauron (a cutie in real life. Hahaha!)

(18 January 2004)
1st place: Witch King of Angmar
2nd place: Darth Maul vs. Obi-Wan Kenobi
3rd place: Gogo

At the End of All Things

Here at last, at the end of all things... Actually, not really, but it felt like it is. No more anticipation for the next LOTR installment or movie premiere this December. No more countdown clock on my desktop. But hopefully, more entmoots* and more Sci-Fi and Fantasy conventions to come.

I spent most of my weekend at the con. Those were two unforgettable days. Some things were sacrificed, such as family time, sleep and a supposedly dinner with my work teammates. I personally think it was worth it. Too bad I did not get to share the con with my parents and him. But then they're the ones missing a great show.

One part was glad that finally it's over. I know a lot of people, especially in TPTS gave their best to make the con successful (with Eru's blessing of course!). And I'm proud to say that hell, yeah! Professor Tolkien couldn't have been more proud! One part of me is sad as well 'coz I know we'll be back to our normal lives again. No more costumes and custom-made action figures that made me feel like I'm in another dimension. I mean, where could you find an elf maiden from the woods of Middle-earth, an Enterprise hologram and Darth Maul sit together and talk except in New Worlds?! Or Neo a.k.a. Mr. Anderson go out on a date with Professot McGonagall?!

Because of the con, I got an urge to watch "Kill Bill Vol. 1". The cosplayers were really cool. I had a pic taken with the Witch King of Angmar! Post it next time. Hehehe! Since we won second best booth, I'm now looking forward to a pizza party next month! That is one good excuse to see my TPTS friends again.

Boy, was I glad to bring my camera along. I'll be posting shots here after I got them developed and scanned. Too bad I don't have a digital cam. So, I guess I have to borrow some pics from my friends first.

--------------------
*entmoot (n.): a gathering of ents or tree-hearders.
Adapted term by The Philippine Tolkien Society that means a gathering or meeting of its members.

CON tomorrow.

I did not get enough sleep earlier because I am so excited.

Whoopee!

Now, I am sleepy. *yawn*

Things at work are getting blurry for me. Shared dinner with my batchmates from work and I realized this job is tough. One of us is leaving (again). I hope I'll soon get some sign or see the light or anything, so I'll know if I should move on to another career path.

Two more days before the con...

Can't wait.

Problem with this schedule is I leave work too early before the malls open and I wake up late that I would need to hurry for work again. My life revolves around this schedule. Then I would have to wait for the next payday so we can finally pay the bills and I can also buy this thing that I want...

All I want is a "Return of the King" shirt and I couldn't have one!

We wantsss one... my preciousss...

Happy Birthday, ORLANDO BLOOM!!!

Five days to go before the con. I'm so excited! Wish you were here though.

Still not feeling great. Runny nose and a sore throat. It doesn't help that I love drinking cold beverages. I am hard-headed, I know. It would be a tough week at work with my throat as red as the lava flowing out of Orodruin.

Happy 10th Monthsary, Lisse!

It's not enough that you love me for me
You reached inside and touched me eternally
I love you best explains how I feel for you...
~Keith Martin, "Because of You"

Hand Analysis Test

Wish I could have the complete results.

The shape of your hand reveals that you are especially good at nurturing your relationships.

Based on the signs in your palm, you have much to gain by developing and caring for the close relationships in your life. By putting directed energy toward your relationships, your efforts will be returned multi-fold.

--------------------

Still sick. *sniff*sniff*

I'm sick. For real.

Slept for about 10 hours earlier because I can't get up. Had a fever and a very runny nose. Now my fever is gone but my nose is still runny. And I sound funny as well (especially on the phone).

What the heck. Life must go on.

New Worlds

I just had to place this cool banner here. Thanks Ginny and Loryces for the link.

If you were to ask me how I'm doing today, I wouldn't know what to say. This day left me with a lot of mixed emotions and it felt like it drained all my energy. And I have another work shift to face.

Had lunch with him after 16 days of not seeing each other. Bitin. Sobra.

I made plans today and almost all of them were not done. That's a downside of planning and expecting coz I often end up disappointed. So, I'll try my best to live the day. Whatever happens happens. So be it.

I had three hours of sleep. I woke up with a cramping left leg that still hurts until now. I'm now at work taking crap from other people. Personally, that still hurts, I mean having them shout at me because of problems that I did not even cause in the first place. But I'm learning how to let those curses and angry words to enter one ear and exit the other.

Live and let live.

Got home tired earlier and the next thing I know, it's 4PM. I hate it when I have an erratic sleep cycle coz it affects my performance when I'm awake. Bummer.

Happy Anniversary to me and the rest of my batchmates (PS54E29) at work. No colorful and moving HTML because I am not really into celebrating that. I just know that we are all fighters, if not deperate souls, since we went through a year without quitting. There are a few optimistic members in our batch as well who will have a future in that corporate world. If we find ourselves still together after a year or if some of us decide to pursue our own career paths, I wish us all the luck.

I should be sleeping. But I can't get myself to sleep. Another week is in front of me. Not that I'm looking forward to it since it will be the same routine, despite the fact that I'll be writing the dates with 2004 on it. I am so bored.

Tomorrow (January 6) is my batch's anniversary in the company. One year is an achievement for me. Not many would reach that point because they gave up. But then today, I took one baby step towards what may be a better option when it comes to finding my own career path. I hope that step would make a big difference.

I miss you. If only you know how much I do...

Lifey's birthday party was fun!

I just wished I had a video cam or tape recorder, I might be able to blackmail some people. Hee hee! Just kidding. It's nice to know I still have friends who make me laugh and enjoy having a good time.

--------------------

I was disappointed today. It's not a great feeling when you think you've done your best to help someone but that someone does not help himself. It seems like an awful waste of time and effort.

Greetings

to two wonderful friends and co-TPTS members who are celebrating another year in their lives.

Lifey (3 Jan)
and
Miao (4 Jan)

May you have many happy years to come!

Also a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our dear

Professor John Ronald Reuel Tolkien

who shared his works with all of us.

Thank you, professor, for the legacy. You will always be remembered.

Truth

Amidst all the buzz going in my head today, all the plans I'm thinking, all the decisions I am or am not regretting, all the reasons I'm defending, I got to read this line in a friend's blog.

Find out what makes you happy and follow what your heart tells you. They may call you foolish, but at least you are a happy fool, not a lonely empty person.

Then it seems like everything that's happening in my life, which I thought were all random occurences, are suddenly placed in order. As if I am meant to be in this state of my existence.

"...so do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
~Gandalf the Grey, "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring"

Career Interest Inventory

Nothing to do. So, here goes:

Based on your responses, your top career area is Medicine and Health .

Careers in this field usually demand a genuine interest in helping people, and require excellent communication skills, especially when discussing sensitive subjects related to personal health. Most likely, you have an interest in improving other people's lives, and being in a career that you know will truly make a difference.

I know I am lost right now in my career path.

How do you keep your feet on the ground while maintaining your head in the clouds?

Is it possible to do both at the same time?

Or do you need to decide if you just keep your feet on the ground and be contented with what you have and achieve real happiness or place your head in the clouds and dream of something else for yourself not knowing if it will come true?

Happy New Year!!!

I got this message from a friend just before the clock struck 12 last night:

Breath of air,
Soul of fire,
Grant this night my heart's desire.
Womb of earth,
Tears of sea,
Grant a prosperous New Year to thee!