Putting Out The Fire

They say we're shittiest to the ones we love. I agree. We're more vulnerable around people who we thought would accept us despite our imperfections.

Maybe he thought I wasn't good enough for him and he found a better one to fall in love with. I may be emotional or shitty, but I guess I just loved him.

Now, I still have rage in me like a fire burning, but it's time to close this chapter in my book. I will deal with it like I've dealt with my father's death-- take it a day at a time. I hope that one day, I will recall the good memories, acknowledge it, then let go. No more tears, no more anger nor hatred.

Thanksgiving Thoughts 2017

Photo from Fox Hill Resort

I do not celebrate Thanksgiving, but I would like to use this time and space to show how grateful I am for the following:

• My life. It may be a rollercoaster right now, but this is all I've got and I have the will to make this work.
• My family and close relatives. We may not agree all the time but I know they have my back and they love me come what may.
• My friends. We may not see each other all the time and they may not agree with my decisions in life, but they still like me and respect me.
• My work. I have an amazing boss and and awesome team. Yes, there are stressful days, but they're worth going through.
• My life lessons. May it be from heartbreaks, broken promises, disappointments due to unmet expectations, financial hardships or physical illnesses. I will stand up every time I fall. I will stand up stronger and wiser.
• The little blessings. May it be good weather or a great book or alone time or a delicious cup of coffee or tea. I have to remind myself that every day is a blessing.

Solo Trip

It was exactly a year ago when I experienced my first ever long-distance, solo, out-of-town trip. I wanted to go to a place where I thought I would get to know more the culture in Northern Luzon, particularly in the Ilocos region. Before that trip, the farthest I've been to up north is Baguio. I have to say, that trip was a total eye-opener for me. I shared a room and dined with strangers. We made each other's presence a part of our memories.

I have to admit that one major reason why I took that Vigan-Laoag-Pagudpud 3-day trip was because I wanted to get to know a certain person more. At that point in my life, he was someone special and I think if I am going to be a part of his future, I better learn a thing or two about his roots.

What a change a year can bring! Today, this person is no longer a part of my life because he chose a different path and he was never quite honest about it. I am still in the stage where I am confused, sad, uncertain and angry about what he did to me, but I am taking this anniversary of my trip to be another sign that I should embark on another SOLO trip. This time, I will embark on this journey for only myself.

So, here I am, a bit lonely but still feeling hopeful, on the edge of another year. I hope I will look back to this blog entry next year and smile because I know I will be better. I know that everything will be better.

Moving On: Day 19

Funny that I asked for a sign to help me make the right decisions and I got a barrage of signs that I am about to drown in them.

It is true that some people are not what they seem. It is always a risk to fall in love. You don't know what kind of fall you're having. Me? I got destroyed. All my dreams, hopes and beliefs in love got utterly destroyed.

Now, I will give the reins to karma. Today is the day when I can truly say that I don't want him in my life anymore. No more looking back. I will just retain all the lessons I've learned from this experience.

My world is currently topsy turvy. I lost my grip, my mind is whirring and my heart is full of anger. I will need some time to regain focus. I will need some time to be calm. Maybe then, I can cry all the heaviness in my heart.

I'll be okay. Soon.

Moving On: Day 18

I couldn't stop the thoughts from running through my head.

I am more angry than sad. I still look for reasons why he did this to me. Maybe I am having difficulty accepting the fact that I placed my love and trust on someone who has different values than I have. I kept thinking what I've done wrong and I also keep reminding myself that I did my best and that I am enough.

It's not me, it's him. Damn right, it's him!

This time, he did not choose me. I will be okay with that. He hurt me too much to make room for him in my life. He will be a part of my past.

Moving On: Day 17

The first day after reality slapped me in the face-- I was just a meantime girl.

Where do I begin? I am not sure where I should start. I woke up feeling very little, very vulnerable and very sad, yet I could not cry. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted to disappear.

I went through my usual morning routine. I took a shower without shedding a tear. I can feel the heaviness in my chest. I wanted to shout, to break things, to get a proper explanation. I lost my grip on reality and my mind was trying to make things okay again. I was looking for a rationale. Why? Why did he do this to me? Why did he have to lie about it? Why am I not enough?

Alas, these will be added mysteries to my life story. I don't expect him to give me a proper explanation. He is a coward. He cannot own up to the hurt he caused. He is untrustworthy. It will all be pointless.

Moving On: Day 16.5

I wonder.

I wonder a lot of things and today, I have added more mysteries in my life.

He officially announced his special someone to his friends and family. Why did I not deserve that kind of treatment or label? Am I not girlfriend material? Am I too fat? Too old? I wonder why.

Why did he have to lie to me? Why did he have to tell me he doesn't want to let me go only a few days before the big reveal?

Maybe he's an asshole. Maybe he's a coward who doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth. Maybe he's selfish. Maybe he's all of the above.

It hurts to be betrayed like this, but I know thay I played fair. I was always open and honest. I was a friend 'til the end. I can truly say that I don't have any regrets. I even wished him to be happy. I have to accept now that he is now officially a part of my past. I have to let go and start focusing on myself.

We hurt because we love too much.
But because we love too much, we heal.

Moving On: Day 16

I'm getting used to not having him in my daily routine. It also helps if he does not reach out to me.

I really want a pamper-me day and a vacation, but in the meantime, work work work work work!

P.S.
I saw a photo of him with the girl. I knew my instincts were right. That was the sign and the slap I was waiting for. Now, on to loving myself first.

Moving On: Day 15

I need a 3-day weekend. I need a full day of sleep. I should stop overthinking because it drains my energy. I should stop watching sad videos and reading heartbreak stories then crying. I should stop imagining the probabilities of him and her to avoid seething with jealousy.

Maybe I need to get drunk.

Moving On: Day 13

One disadvantage of being an overthinker is that I begin to imagine all my future visions of us fade away and change to him and another woman.

It's torture but it's my way of getting myself ready for any possibility. Maybe it's for the better. 

Moving On: Day 12

I feel proud of myself for not wanting to get drunk or cry myself crazy everyday.

Keeping busy with work really helps. It's a different kind of stress but, currently, it is a welcome one.

Today, I will continue:
1. Ignoring his messages. He'll get tired of that eventually.
2. Listening to empowering songs in moving on playlists. I get to discover new music that really helps me not to wallow in my misery.
3. Setting dates with friends. I can vent until I frustrate them. Haha!
4. Planning time off for myself. I hope to schedule another solo travel experience soon.
5. Finding time to spend at home. I don't get to get all melodramatic when I'm at home (except when I am taking a shower) since stuff at home keeps me preoccupied.

Here's to the weekend! Cheers!

Moving On: Day 11

The good thing that came out of me not totally blocking him off in some other communication line is that I get to tell him everything that's on my mind. All the pent-up frustrations were released and I have to say, I can now go on without him without any regrets.

Sure, there are multiple attempts from him to bring things back to the way they were, but I am pretty sure I can start imagining a life without him. I gotta start focusing on myself.

Moving On: Day 10

I really hate it when I get messages from people I want to forget.

I hope they know when to leave me alone and give me peace of mind.

Either you want me in your life or you don't. There is no in-between.

Moving On: Day 9

Last night was particularly difficult. I should not spend too much time alone at night when it's raining. I had to go through some of my memories. People who get trapped in their thoughts know what it feels like to make themselves suffer like that.

That's one of the downsides of having an overactive imagination and an overthinking mind.

Today is a new day and I will continue looking for ways to keep myself busy.

Moving On: Day 8

Today, I am telling myself the reasons why I made the decision to let him go. I would be a hypocrite if I say that I am not hoping that maybe one day, he will go back to the person I fell in love with and maybe, just maybe, his priorities in life will then include me. I am hoping but I am not expecting.

So, in order for me to make progress in my life and start to focus on myself first, I had to make that decision. "Happiness can be defined as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.", said Dr. Stephen Covey. I must always remember this since I am still aching and longing for what I had and what I expected. I know this will be good for me in the long run.

Moving On: Day 7

I would like to thank my family and the following because they made my Sunday more bearable:

1. "It"
2. "How to Get Away With Murder"
3. "Stranger Things"

I don't want it to be Monday yet but work is another welcome distraction.

Moving On: Day 6

It's the weekend and I couldn't help but imagine him spending time with her and taking her out on dates.

So, before my imagination gets the better of me, I go out and watch at Marvel movie with my mother and sister. "Thor: Ragnarok" was a great choice because it was funny and has a few cute guys.

So, there.

Moving On: Day 5

So far, I have coped in two ways:

1. Keep myself busy when I'm awake.

2. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Moving On: Day 4

I think I am in the ANGER stage of grief.

I feel like a bottle fizzing and waiting to burst but I have not opened my cap yet.

I wait for the day that I will just explode and cry my eyes out. Maybe get drunk in the process, who knows? I hope to experience that day soon.

Moving On: Day 3

I often catch myself talking to myself and it's all good.

Yesterday, I started giving myself "pep talks". I found myself doing the following:

1. Look at the mirror during a shower and tell my reflection all the red flags that I ignored. I have to remind myself that this was expected and I am now suffering the consequences of my decisions and actions.

2. Close my eyes and turn off the lights when I am alone in the room. I remind myself that I am worth more than how I've been treated. I console myself in the hope that maybe, someone way better will love me the way I want to be loved. I think of the plans for myself in the near future.

I will repeat these processes until the ideas sink in.

Moving On: Day 2

It's always during the wee hours of the morning when I feel even sadder.

My mind's been reeling looking for reasons why it happened. Last night, I was really angry that I slept for 8 straight hours. I think that anger was good for my body. Maybe this is a phase I need to go through.

Moving On: Day 1

So far, I have already done the following:

1. Convince myself that I should be priority this time around.
2. Convince myself that I need peace of mind.
3. Convince myself that I deserve better than a halfhearted, long distance pseudo-relationship.
4. Tell a handful of friends to remind me that I should not settle.
5. Block him on Facebook.
6. Cry my eyes out.

Before today ends, I need to do the following:

1. Keep myself busy, busy, busy.
2. Delete all photos, chat conversations and personal Spotify playlists insipired by him.
3. Update my To-do list to remove all things that I want to do that included him.
4. Create a "Me Plan" that consists of a haircut, a gym membership and travel plans to name a few.
5. Get more quality sleep.