a "lending" hand

I have never been comfortable borrowing money. Just as I am not comfortable lending money as well. The latter is mainly because of the fact that I don't have money to lend. The former is based on a lot of factors. The act of borrowing money, especially from a friend, or even the thought of it makes me uneasy. Why? Because the way the financial aspect of my life is going right now, I cannot set an exact time when I could repay what I borrowed. And when I cannot set an exact time, I feel ashamed. For example, more than two years ago, I borrowed a couple of thousand pesos from a friend I don't actually see that often. Imagine, I was only able to repay that person last Christmas when I had extra money from my 13th month pay. The person actually forgot I owe the money! It was actually a big relief when finally I was able to tell myself that I don't owe anyone anything anymore.


For more than two years of being an employee, I regret not saving up. I like the idea of saving money for future use, but due to unfortunate circumstances, what I earn (funny since I earn a bit more than ordinary employees) is not even enough for a 15-day period for a family of 5 (including myself). Bills, rent, more bills, allowance, school stuff, food, bills again and normal everyday expenses. Because of this, I am again getting myself into that wicked cycle of "debt". My parents, I really don't know why they are so used of "borrowing" money they can't even pay, want me to do my own "borrowing" since we need it for the expenses and a pending operation for my Ma (possible ovarian cyst).


I am broke right now. The idea of me being broke is awful since that would mean my entire family is broke. If only I can have her cyst, at least if I have an operation, I'll take advantage of the health card the company will give me as soon as I pass training (and I want to pass it, of course!) Setting all things aside, including pride and principles, I have to resort to the last option of "borrowing" money again. Imagine, I have not even received my first pay in the new company yet and it has not yet been a year since I paid my last debt, I'm going to have another debt on my name!


I was reminded of that after I got home. After a hard day at work (yes, really hard because our account is difficult and I have exams on Thursday and Friday), I got home and my mother started pressuring me again about that topic. I went up my room I had to sweep the floor because it was dusty and do some hammering because my cabinet broke. All that, without even eating breakfast yet. I felt so, so bad. It's so unfair! I started to vent my frustrations to a couple of close friends, but decided against it because I know they have their own problems to mind too. So, here's to a long blog entry then!


I haven't felt this for quite sometime but I lost my appetite. Maybe I'll get thinner. At least that's one advantage of being stressed out. I know money should not be a big problem for others. But I'm not like others. I'm really getting tired of this.