not-so-happy thoughts

WARNING: long post!


These past few days I've been having bouts of loneliness and frequent mood swings I'm thinking I'm clinically depressed. I even cried before starting my shift a couple of days ago (just a tear or two) and I don't even know why! The only day I felt good was when I went to Batangas with a couple of friends. I was thinking what may have caused it and I couldn't seem to pinpoint it to any specific thing in my life. It's possible that it's a combination of a lot of things happening at the same time or this is what they may call a quarter-life crisis since I'm nearing quarter of a century in this lifetime.


Here are some reflections a.k.a.pagninilay-nilay:





FAMILY
My family is ok. I guess the fact that we're all in good health despite my sniffles due to drastic change in temperatures (freezing in the office at night and summer hell during the day). My father's diabetes is well-controlled and I'm thankful for that. Although finances is still our number one problem, we can still pay our bills (although they're often late) but at least we're able to pay them. My sister's still in school and I believe she'll do well. My brother likes what he's doing. I, personally, don't want to force him to work in a corporate environment if he doesn't want to. My Ma wants him to get a real job coz we need the money. I understand that but at least there's someone in the family who's happy with what he's doing (he's a bassist in a band and they have weekly gigs). My Ma, on the other hand, is not speaking to me again for the past few days. We only "converse" through text. Weird since we see each other at home everyday. This has been happening too often, without me knowing a real reason why she does this, I disregard it as a "normal" setup at home.


CAREER
Compared to regular employees, I think I am being paid a bit more. I'm beginning to like me "new job" and getting the hang of it and I think I'm doing well. Although my salary still barely pays all bills, I'm still thankful I have a job. But, I don't think this is my calling. I don't think I want to stay in this job forever. I desperately want to save but I couldn't even do that since after payday what's left for me is my "allowance" for the next 2 weeks until next payday. I don't even know if I still wanted to practice PT. I have long given up a career in that field abroad. I don't know what I really want. At this age, some of the people I know (school batchmates, friends) are happy with their careers as if that is what they'll be doing 'til the end of time. Some are even financially stable enough to start a family. While I am still lost. I don't know what I want. I don't know where to go or what to do.


PEERS
I'm grateful I got to spend time with two of my best college pals last weekend. At least I get to feel I belong somehow. I miss my friends from school and from my previous jobs especially those I have grown close with whom I could share my deepest, darkest secrets! I miss hanging out with them. I miss not worrying them judging me if I make mistakes or I do stupid things. I miss laughing-- I mean really laughing my heart out. I've met new people at work and I'm still adjusting to their different personalities. It's getting a bit difficult since we have different break schedules at work so I often find myself spending my break time alone. So, what good does that do to me? Maybe I could setup a breakfast together or something so we get to talk about stuff not related to work... for a change.


LOVE (or something like that)
Well... Ummm... Ok... I should have been used to us not seeing each other often. But lately, it affects me so much since I know that aside from my sister, I really, really need someone to lean on and we seldom see each other. Seldom means after payday or if one of us has extra cash for a date. Usually that's once every two weeks. Some may not call it a "relationship" but I don't know what else to call it. I've always been looking forward to our meetings (so-called dates) and I realized I always expect too much-- I expect magical moments, I expect a perfect knight-in-shining-armor, I expect sensitivity at its finest, I expect love that will make my heart melt, I expect a perfect kiss in the ending. I expect too much I, most often than not, end up disappointed after that and I hate it. I hate myself for feeling that way. I don't know if he feels the same. I'm just glad he still sticks with me despite my self-diagnosed "borderline personality disorder".


If any psychiatrist out there may give their professional opinion or diagnosis, please tell me what to do.