Alienated

I had nightmares last week. Well, they actually happened when I was asleep during the day so I don't think that is an apt name. One in particular scared me. This was when I thought someone or something was taking over me.


Reality is even scarier. That's the feeling when I wake up. Sometimes, I don't know what I really want anymore. I'm having a hard time sorting out my priorities. I'm confused with what I feel. I don't know who my real friends are. I don't know why I'm avoiding something I used to enjoy doing or someone I used to have fun being with.


Did they change? Or did I?

Stuck in a Rut

I really wanted to blog yesterday. I have lots of questions bugging me right now. A day out of town with friends should have been a week out of town. I didn't get to blog yesterday. Partly because I was afraid I might post things I will regret in the future. Partly because I was so mad I might break something. Don't get me wrong, I am not violent. Then again, I don't think I should apologize for what I feel. This is my outlet. It has been for many years now. I have always taken it a day at a time. I have always gotten up after every fall. I am emotional. I know it. I actually wanted to write a book that starts with "I used to have a dream...", but I don't want to finalize my life by putting "used-to" before "dream".


It's just that there are some people who rely on others to fill their shortcomings. Other people may have a savior-complex wherein they need to always be there for others and suffer because others don't complete their end of the bargain. I am not one of those. I have put my family on top of my priority list, but I have a life I have to live too. Being the eldest and shouldering most of the family's finances have really impacted me in such a way that I am not really giddy and excited on meeting a man, getting married and starting a family. I am exhausted at this point in my life and hopefully, when I get the chance to live for myself, I would want to enjoy the world and what it can give. I want to work for myself for a change. I want to imagine I have the world to myself for a change. Maybe if (or when?) I become very, very rich, then I could shoulder all the financial burden of all my extended family. Now, I don't think so. Other people should be responsible enough to know that they have a role to play. I did not sign up for this. If someone did, that someone should not pass it on to me.


I am taking this a day at a time. It seems like that's what I have been doing for most part of my adult life. It's not fun. I hope something will find me and take me away from all of these. I would then be glad.

Null and Void

I think I am at that time in my life when the positive and negative things happening to me just even out. There are some aspects in life that became clearer. I have learned a lot the past few weeks and I appreciate that. I actually like that feeling when I find answers to my questions and know how I got there. It makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.


On the other hand, there are also other aspects that became more foggy. My mother went back to the province to visit my really weak (and probably dying but I really hope not) grandmother. I had a spat with my father because I felt the responsibilities again at home since my mother is gone. I rarely see my sister because of her hectic sched. She has her own life's sh*t to attend to. So, that my life right now could be summarized in this equation: (stress with work) + (stress at home) = (double the f*cking stress)!


*breathes deeply*


Ok, enough of those de-motivative issues. I will be looking forward to this weekend with hopefully a more positive and non-pissed outlook in life. So help me God.

Catching A Dream

But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream
~* "She Had The World", Panic at the Disco *~


At this point, I am mentally and physically exhausted. The ramp-up at work is coinciding with the adjustments and information overload in training. Being a sponge isn't enough. Being a bamboo isn't enough. I think I need superpowers.


I need lots of things. Sleep, for one, is much needed after staying in the office for about 12 hours almost everyday. The worries of training and passing the certification is not just for the specific product, but also for the all those extra management/quality/bonus/performance trainings and they are all happening AT THE SAME TIME!!!


I miss quality and quantity time with my family. It seems that the weekend is not enough to recover from the stresses of the work week.


Lately, I have been listening to my sister's "Pretty Odd" PATD album. I think I need my sanity too.

You Are the Daughter

You very keyed in to emotions. You care deeply and are quick to forgive others. You often get lost in your own thoughts and daydreams. You find it difficult to stay focused. At your best, you are sweet, sensitive, and innocent. You bring joy to people's lives. You are open and expressive. You love sharing your optimistic, dreamy vision of the world. At your worst, you feel powerless and like a victim. Your fear can paralyze you. You tend to complain and whine. Whether your complaints are legitimate or not, you're not one to solve your own problems.

What Family Role Do You Play?