Starting Anew

Sometimes, things or people aren't what they seem.


Sometimes, when a door closes, another window opens.


Sometimes, when a chapter ends, another one begins.


Somehow, I can't help but feel disappointed. I have to blame myself for expecting too much. Life isn't perfect. People don't always stay. In as much as I would want to and I would gladly exert all my effort, some things just don't last. It's sad.


Good thing, there's always a diversion. When people come and fade away in life, new faces will appear and offer a smile. New personalities will emerge. Sometimes, they remind you of the old ones who fade away. Sometimes, they're a welcome change. They won't replace the old ones. They never will, but it is refreshing. It reminds me of the changes in season. Right now, I am having a cold winter, but I know there will be spring soon.


My horoscope today states:
CANCER
Your more self-nurturing instincts are coming to the forefront today, and while it might send you down an anti-social path for a while, in the end it's a very good thing to start listening to your own needs right now. Start forgiving yourself for what you may have done, and think about where you want to take things from here -- instead of wondering why things don't always end up being the way you wanted them to be. It's a time of reflection, but it's also a time of healing.


Anti-social path, here I come? Nah. Hahaha! Healing it is. =)

Stuck in a Rut

I really wanted to blog yesterday. I have lots of questions bugging me right now. A day out of town with friends should have been a week out of town. I didn't get to blog yesterday. Partly because I was afraid I might post things I will regret in the future. Partly because I was so mad I might break something. Don't get me wrong, I am not violent. Then again, I don't think I should apologize for what I feel. This is my outlet. It has been for many years now. I have always taken it a day at a time. I have always gotten up after every fall. I am emotional. I know it. I actually wanted to write a book that starts with "I used to have a dream...", but I don't want to finalize my life by putting "used-to" before "dream".


It's just that there are some people who rely on others to fill their shortcomings. Other people may have a savior-complex wherein they need to always be there for others and suffer because others don't complete their end of the bargain. I am not one of those. I have put my family on top of my priority list, but I have a life I have to live too. Being the eldest and shouldering most of the family's finances have really impacted me in such a way that I am not really giddy and excited on meeting a man, getting married and starting a family. I am exhausted at this point in my life and hopefully, when I get the chance to live for myself, I would want to enjoy the world and what it can give. I want to work for myself for a change. I want to imagine I have the world to myself for a change. Maybe if (or when?) I become very, very rich, then I could shoulder all the financial burden of all my extended family. Now, I don't think so. Other people should be responsible enough to know that they have a role to play. I did not sign up for this. If someone did, that someone should not pass it on to me.


I am taking this a day at a time. It seems like that's what I have been doing for most part of my adult life. It's not fun. I hope something will find me and take me away from all of these. I would then be glad.

Null and Void

I think I am at that time in my life when the positive and negative things happening to me just even out. There are some aspects in life that became clearer. I have learned a lot the past few weeks and I appreciate that. I actually like that feeling when I find answers to my questions and know how I got there. It makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.


On the other hand, there are also other aspects that became more foggy. My mother went back to the province to visit my really weak (and probably dying but I really hope not) grandmother. I had a spat with my father because I felt the responsibilities again at home since my mother is gone. I rarely see my sister because of her hectic sched. She has her own life's sh*t to attend to. So, that my life right now could be summarized in this equation: (stress with work) + (stress at home) = (double the f*cking stress)!


*breathes deeply*


Ok, enough of those de-motivative issues. I will be looking forward to this weekend with hopefully a more positive and non-pissed outlook in life. So help me God.

Catching A Dream

But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream
~* "She Had The World", Panic at the Disco *~


At this point, I am mentally and physically exhausted. The ramp-up at work is coinciding with the adjustments and information overload in training. Being a sponge isn't enough. Being a bamboo isn't enough. I think I need superpowers.


I need lots of things. Sleep, for one, is much needed after staying in the office for about 12 hours almost everyday. The worries of training and passing the certification is not just for the specific product, but also for the all those extra management/quality/bonus/performance trainings and they are all happening AT THE SAME TIME!!!


I miss quality and quantity time with my family. It seems that the weekend is not enough to recover from the stresses of the work week.


Lately, I have been listening to my sister's "Pretty Odd" PATD album. I think I need my sanity too.

You Are the Daughter

You very keyed in to emotions. You care deeply and are quick to forgive others. You often get lost in your own thoughts and daydreams. You find it difficult to stay focused. At your best, you are sweet, sensitive, and innocent. You bring joy to people's lives. You are open and expressive. You love sharing your optimistic, dreamy vision of the world. At your worst, you feel powerless and like a victim. Your fear can paralyze you. You tend to complain and whine. Whether your complaints are legitimate or not, you're not one to solve your own problems.

What Family Role Do You Play?

Losing the Sun

Have you ever experienced that feeling when you think that you are a "victim" of another person's hastily-made and, sometimes, poorly-thought-of decision? Have you gone through a time when you think you are placed somewhere you don't deserve? Have you ever felt like nothing is going right when you have done your best and worked hard for almost every damn thing life hurls at you? I have.


My mother told me, when it rains, it pours. Well, the best I got the past few days is drizzle and the worst I'm having now is a hurricane.


I'll be job-hunting on my birthday. I wish I could get the job I need and want as a gift. I don't think it's too much to ask.


Sun, shine for me please.

Whew!

Weekend's here. Finally.


I don't know if the 2 days off from work will give me enough chance to resurface. The past week had me drowning in uncertainties. I think I've been in a career limbo before but this, by far, is the most difficult. I just hope that the coming days may somehow enlighten me with which path to take. Good luck to us all.


I just have the remaining day for myself and I am going to probably finish a book, then watch the latest season of "Lost". These are just some of the trivial things I miss when work is draining my life and getting the best out of me. Earlier today, I watched another movie alone (again). I wanted to view a lot of good movies lately and I failed to watch some but the past 2 films I caught on the big screen have been romantic comedies. Maybe, subconsciously, I wanted to experience some funny but shallow fairy tale to keep me from falling into an abyss.


Enough of the drama. Now, here's something funny I wanna share. I saw these pictures on my phone a few days ago. This is for all fangirls, especially the sci-fi/fantasy ones, out there. We took these last June 7. We were in SM Bacolod this time before we watched "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian":








me and my sis "fooling around" Prince Caspian's standee


Who could resist Ben Barnes, right? Hahaha! =)

Into the Unknown

I am tired but I am ok. They say the only thing that's constant in this life is change. Change is good sometimes. We learn from change. The downside change brings to OC (obsessive-compulsive) people like me is getting all whacked out when the routine suddenly gets affected.


In the near future, there will be some changes-- at work and at home. I can live with it. I have to experience it even if not all of them are welcome. I guess that's a part of being human. Nevertheless, there are several things I am looking forward to in the coming weeks. Summer, for example, would mean a chance for me to go out-of-town with friends again. Finally. My family might also go home to the province (Negros Occidental) after more than 10 years come June if finances allow.


There are also things I am dreading about. I still cannot imagine where I am, career-wise, before the year ends. I guess I'll just take this one day at a time. My mother is still in the province and my Lola actually suffered a mild stroke as well aside from her gastric ulcer. She spent 5 days in the ICU and I am glad that she's feeling better now. I don't want to think of the finances anymore or where I could be a few months from now. I don't even wanna think of my non-existent love life. It just so happened that the "Drew" I've been thinking about lately is not the "Drew" I expected him to be. It is very disappointing.


No, I don't wanna think about it. I am getting a headache again. Let me just leave this song. This one's almost perfect again:


"Stop and Stare"
~* by OneRepublic*~


This town is colder now
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move
I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set
on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Ohhh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now,
I'm a run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see?

Choices

Destiny or Destination?


I haven’t had time to read nowadays. I think there are about 5 books on queue for me to finish ASAP but I have been spending my spare time finishing season 1 of "Ugly Betty" coz I have to return the DVD back to my friend. Aside from the occasional "kilig" moments my sister and I experience whenever I see Henry and Daniel grace the screen, the story is really quite entertaining and the last few episodes a bit captivating since the plot gets to thicken. I just finished it yesterday and hopefully I'd be able to go back to reading (and sleeping). Interesting how my mood changes with each character's personalities and decisions and how I can relate to their situations. The story is quite typical and I'm sure a lot of Filipino middle-class families can relate to. I am trying my best not to make a review here. It' just that it made me realize (again) how truly important family is and how priorities can make or break a person. The TV program proves that nobody is perfect but there are people who come close to it. It would always depend on what attracts a person to another. For example, there's Daniel who is rich, handsome, sexy, confident and very vulnerable, but he is a womanizer. There's another guy, Henry, who is smart, entertaining, cute and very sweet, but already has a girlfriend. It is difficult to choose between the two. Hahaha! Anyway, some parts made me teary-eyed and I have to admit the finale made me cry. The deep conversation when it comes to problems, the advice and the actions are really something people can relate to.


Watching the episodes make me reflect on my life a little. It makes me wonder now if it is the journey that makes everything worthwhile or is it the destination. Will a person rely on destiny and just enjoy the ride or will the person fight for something (or someone) he or she loves and focus on the destination? I don't know if I'm making sense here but I can't help but ponder.


Touch and Go


One of my co-supervisors, who also happen to be a close friend, is leaving today to work for another company. It makes me sad, at the same time, happy for his decision. I know he's really looking forward to it. There are actually several friends who already left the company and it always feels that way. I have experienced leaving two companies already and I know how it feels. The company I'm working for now is the longest I've stayed in. With these things happening, I get to assess my position too and my plans for the future. Honestly, I really can't see myself in a specific career 5 years from now. I just want it to be in another country. Haha! But then again, I'll take what life offers me but I'll try to grab every opportunity I get. I miss my friends-- those I left and those who left me. I'm just glad that communication lines are still open. I'm taking this one day at a time now. Lately, I have been busy with work and training at the same time. It's tiring. I'm just taking this a day at a time and now, I just want to spend a nice and peaceful day off and out-of-town if possible... I can still daydream, can't I? =)


Concerts Galore!


Ok so Incubus will be here on March. So, will Maroon 5. Also Backstreet Boys next month. There are rumors about other artists but I'm just thinking about the next two months and I feel broke already. The tickets are skyrocket high and I'm gonna feel really bad if I miss them. I just don't know what to do. =(

SIM and Sniffles

I had a fever last week. It's probably partly because of the weather and partly because of overwork. I stayed at home during my days off and this is one boring week. I'm feeling better now but it started drizzling again. I love the rain but I'd rather stay at home during the cold days and nights. I am still adjusting with the new job and hopefully, I'll do and feel better after a few more weeks. Even my body clock is still adjusting to my schedule.


It's nearly Christmas. I should know because I get out of the office at about 6AM and it's still dark outside. Time flies fast.


I missed the 5th Sci-Fi and Fantasy convention yesterday. It was my first time to miss an annual NWA convention. I was a bit hesitant to go because of the recent Glorietta blast. Then my boss didn't approve my leave for yesterday. That plus the fact that I'm still not well are just enough signs for me not to go. I know there will be more chances to hang out with the fun geeky crowd and I'll be looking forward to that.


Oh and my SIM card is broken. Lucky huh? I think it is my SIM card and not my mobile phone because other SIM cards work on it. It has no signal for about a day now and I am thinking of getting a new number. So, if I know you personally, please email me your contact number or PM me through Friendster or Multiply. Changing numbers is a hassle but I have no choice. I'll be getting back at you soon. Thanks! :)

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt like you were forced in a situation you never really want to be a part of in the first place?


Have you ever felt like crying even when people around you are laughing and having fun?


Have you ever felt like wanting to be alone hoping that spending time with yourself can change everything?


Have you ever felt like holding back an idea because of fear of what others might say?


Have you ever felt like suppressing a feeling because of insecurities and doubts that the feeling is going to be validated?


Have you ever felt like you are trapped in a maze and there's no way out?


Have you ever felt like you're going in circles and you don't really know what your destination is?


Have you ever felt lonely without knowing the reason why?


Have you ever felt like nobody understands and the person who possibly can is not there for you?


Have you ever felt like life has no purpose or meaning?


The ultimate question is a bit melodramatic, I know. If you answered "yes" to all or some of these questions, I understand how you feel. I thought I've become numb but screw sensitivity when all I want to do is get away from it all... Tomorrow is another day. May it be better than today.

Burning

The sun is burning hot and I am still burning out. It's true, I spent almost all of my weekend with my friends on a road trip to the beach. That was a sort-of belated and advanced birthday celebrations for 2 of my friends. It was such a welcome change in my routine and my environment.



posing in the van


We left after our shift Saturday morning. We stopped over Tagaytay for lunch and went straight to Nasugbu in Batangas. We got there tired but excited. After unpacking and eating, we went for a short swim the same time the sun was setting. It was a breathtaking view. We went back to our nipa hut and helped prepare dinner. After dinner, some of us went for a quick stroll by the beach and decided against swimming because the water was cold. The stars were out and they're beautiful. I would have wanted to sit on the sand and talk there but I was so sleepy. Then we, who still lacked sleep, went to our small room and slept. The remaining people shared stories over beer and munchies. We woke up really early the next day and prepared breakfast. Then we went again to the sea for a swim to catch the sun before it gets too hot. We were in the water to watch the sun rise. A lot of people showed up after a few hours. It was Sunday already and the beach was getting crowded. So, we packed up and prepared for home.



sunrise


It was a short trip but I enjoyed it. It wasn't the perfect, smooth-sailing vacation but I needed that. I actually think I need a longer time for things like that. I momentarily forgot I still have to go back to work. I didn't even hear news of any election-related violence. Life is beautiful there... But I got home and faced some problems with my parents. My watch, the one I saved up for, got broken. I went to visit the eye doctor and she told me I have to wear eyeglasses again. I just hope I won't go blind because I cannot afford a pair yet. Hah! Back to reality. My depression is settling in once more. Who says life ain't tough?



sand


Most of the pics can be found in Day's Multiply album, Maroi's Multiply album and Faye's Multiply album. Feel free to check them out. Click here to view my album.


I think I need more relax time for myself. I ought to see Peter Parker. What do you think?


P.S.
Price of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" has changed. Currently it is reported to be P1,450 still with P500 reservation fee.

It Pours!

Rain and Tears
by John Howe


We wish for rain to pour and put a stop the unbearable heat this summer. I, on the other hand, have been getting a torrential rain of bad luck in the office. It's just one disappointment after another and it's getting more painful in the ass. They say when it rains, it pours. It is indeed pouring like a hurricane alright. I've been lacking sleep, missing periods and showing stress pimples on my face. I'm about to breakdown.


Damn the need for money! If not for that I wouldn't have stayed in a job don't have any passion for.


They say every cloud has a silver lining and after the rain there's a rainbow. Maybe it'll come. I hope it'll come before I fully decide to pack up and leave. I am seriously entertaining that thought now.

Crap

We make mistakes. It is up to us if we let these mistakes teach us lessons. They ought to make us strong... but shit happens.


One of the worst feelings in the world is suffering for a mistake done by somebody else. It sucks when we've done all the best we could and, still, we experience all the hassles because of another person's error. Something happened at work today that made me really sad and very upset. I don't want to go into details but I had a tough time. All I can say is, it feels awful to experience this when I've tried my best to be a good employee.


I am just grateful for the little blessings I had today. Thank God for my friends who stayed with me, especially those who had the misfortune of seeing me cry and get all messed up. Thank God for a couple of cousins who never forgot my sister's graduation and financially helped us in our time of great need.


All I need is time to vent and get this over with... but it still feels like crap.

V-Day Thoughts

I got no time for blogging lately. I've been doing most of the housechores since Mama left and it's too exhausting doing them after work.


Work's been a pain in the ass lately. Aside from the usual stress-triggering nature of some calls, my headset got stolen. They said I lost it but I knew I didn't misplace it. I've had that for about 2 years now and every operator on the floor has his or her own headset. Who would have thought leaving it in the pantry would tempt someone to steal it? I would want to think that it was mistakenly used by another operator but I never thought being too trusting would make me pay. Literally. They want me to pay almost P8,000 (salary deduction) because of that. I was so mad I cried. it's not a cheap price to pay. I hated that. I guess I just need to get a breather (again). This too shall pass.


On the lighter side of things, I had a lunch date today. Yay! Go me! Actually, I never thought I'd be up and about on Valentine's Day because I believe it's too commercialized and overrated (especially in the malls). It was actually a surprise from someone special. I didn't even have a gift. Haha! Oh well, I can give gifts any time I want and not just on Valentines, right? Maybe once the flowers get cheaper. Haha! I don't wanna get mushy-mushy over it although I have to admit it was really touching. I wish to experience more of those simple joys.





I just remembered, way back in high school, I imagined myself to be married at age 27 or 28. Geez... I'll be turning 27 in the next few months (hint if you need one: when Harry Potter hits the bookstores and cinemas). I cannot... again, CANNOT imagine being married in the near future. I'm too young (at heart) for that! Oh well, it goes to show perceptions and plans change. Don't get me wrong, I have someone special, boys who are friends, crushes and all that. I still wanna grow old with someone one day but I don't wanna get hitched yet. I'm keeping an open mind. I mean, I haven't even (seriously) introduced anyone to my parents yet. I know conservatives out there would ask why and I have many reasons but the main thing is I am not ready for marriage yet. I will only introduce a man to my parents once I know he is the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.


As of now, I'm ok with where I am. I am not in a rush to get married. I still have time before I go through menopause. Haha! My biological clock is not ticking yet. I have so many things I wanna do first for myself and for my family. I don't see marriage as an end goal but a beginning of a new chapter in life. I guess I am enjoying this chapter too much for me to take my time and not hurry up. As long as I know I love and am being loved by a lot of people, yes, including my friends, family and relatives, I'm happy. That's all that matters right now.


Happy Hearts' Day everyone!


P.S.
work+play photo album updated.

Welcome 2007!

scribbled 2 January 2007, 1:30 PM


New Year's Eve was a blast! Literally. Although compared to the previous year, fewer neighbors lit firecrackers and fireworks. We just watched them and ate our media noche, which reminds me that I really would wanna watch the Pyrolympics next weekend but I doubt if I can afford it. To top it off, there has been no (or very, very slow) access to all Yahoo!-related sites, so I have not been able to check my mails or groups messages for more than 3 days now. They say it was a result of the recent earthquake that hit Taiwan. That really sucks! I meant, the earthquake and how it affected us (in great or small ways). When I think it will never get worse, our (cheap) digital camera broke. It went haywire after my sis brought it home from Cavite. Then I realized the 1 year warranty has just expired. Drat! Now, I just have to rely on my camera phone. Oh well.


I went to work as usual last night because I wanted 2007 to start well in terms of career and work ethics. Then this officemate of mine, whom I thought was friendly and very witty, turned out to be someone who thinks everyone is his subordinate. Has the new year changed this person? He ended up stepping across the line from just-joking-because-we're-friends to being just-plain-insensitive. I raised my eyebrows and decided to ignore him starting last night. I never had what I can call an "enemy" in the office because I don't want to be in bad terms with someone but I can't help it. I told my sis about it earlier today and nearly cried my eyes out. I don't want to spoil the day because tomorrow she's going back to Cavite and will be staying there again for 3 weeks.



geeks in red-for-luck shirts


I know I lack sleep but I'm just gonna spend most of the day with my sis now. I won't let these bring me down. It's new year and it's my chance to change the way I look at things. I'll just drown myself with comfort food. Haha!



food trip!


Greetings from Neil Gaiman:


May your year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art-- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope somewhere this year, you surprise yourself.



Happy New Year everyone! :)