Almost

It's sad, isn't it? Almost getting what you want but not quite achieving it.

They say that if it's meant for you, it'll happen. Maybe in some aspects of life, that is true. It still doesn't make me feel better whenever I see photos of happy people and thinking, that could have been me. I could have been a part of that.

I have myself to blame, I guess. I should not resort to looking at Facebook profiles of people who should be a part of my past. I should have known better. I lost count of those who moved on with their lives without me. While I'm here still thinking, at some point in time, I didn't know if my life would be the same without them. Again, it's my fault. I trust so easily. I get drunk and dizzy with the feelings of love and the hopes of romance or unending friendship. Alas, such is life. I have to toughen up. I need to let go of my "almosts". Life's short.

Date and Time

I look at the calendar of my planner and see dates made meaningful with you in it.

I look at future days and I see wishful thinking notes hoping to visit places and experience new things with you. I wanted to get to know you more.

I look at your birthday and I see a handwritten wish that I hope we could be more that what we were before-- more in the sense that we learn more from life and from each other. More because I just don't want us to be "special friends" who just date.

I look at my watch and realize that time without you has never been the same, but I know I chose this. This is the best time for me to move on because love is not supposed to hurt like this.

Now, I wish that time can be a friend. I wish that I can heal through time. Maybe another day will come when I can say I am truly happy again.

Divided We Fall

"The depth of your belief and the strength of your conviction determines the power of your personality." - Brian Tracey

I'm the type of person who gets attracted to someone's physical aspects, but falls in love with someone's personality. I wish your personality was as strong as your hands when they hold mine or your arms when they hug me. I wish you were strong enough to fight for what we had-- whatever that was. I wish your beliefs were strong enough to know that what we had was real and that I was willing to give all my love to you.

Alas, you were not the strong man I imagined. I had to find strength within myself-- strength to let you go. Thank you for everything.

Boomerang Wishes

I wish you happiness.

I wish you sunshine when it rains and drizzle during summer. I wish you faith during desperate times. I wish you mystery and adventure to make your life exciting. I wish you confidence when you're struggling to stand on your feet. I wish you light that will light your dark paths. I wish you hope to help you make it through lonely nights. I wish you inspiration to make you look forward to the future. I wish you good health so you can travel far and wide.

Most of all, I wish you love-- a love that you can be proud of, a love that is unconditional and true and kind, a love that makes all former loves stepping stones and lessons learned, a love that you truly deserve.

I wish that you wish the same for me.

Images

Random snapshots flash through my brain-- memories I don't want forgotten and moments I want to etch in my mind for as long as I can.

My everyday route is now composed of places with you in it. You were there sitting beside me during a bus ride. You were looking at me during a train ride. We were laughing together while walking along these shops in the mall. This was where we ate and where you bought my Valentine's chocolates. These used-to-be normal events are now special for me because of your presence. Now, I'm back to being alone.

I hope that one day soon, these images will be replaced by other memories. If not, I hope I can recall them again without the sadness. I hope.

To The Man Who Will Not Accept My Love

I'm a romantic and that's my downfall.

I easily fall in love with people who find the time to make me feel special. I also easily get hurt in the process.

I have only been truly in love once and I was too young and he did not see me as someone he can be with for a long time. I have always been a victim of unrequited love and it made me a bit bitter and a bit jaded. Years passed and then you came along.

I thought this would be my love story, my fairy tale, my happy ending. I was ready to give the love I have been saving for a long, long time. I wanted to shout to the whole world that I choose you and you choose me. Our start was not as I imagined it to be. You were only able to give a part of your heart to me, but then we still decided to give us a try. It was not just physical. I know we have a connection that I cannot explain and I know I cannot find that with any other man. I wanted it to work. I wanted us to work so badly.

Despite everything I did, you still cannot give me your whole heart. I am just a routine. I am just there when you need me. You cannot give me the honor of calling me your girlfriend. You cannot tell me you love me to my face. I started to wonder why.

Is it you? Are you in love with someone else? Do you think there is still someone out there who can make you happier? Do you see another woman in your future?

Is it me? All my insecurities came flooding in. Maybe I am not a girlfriend material. Maybe I'm too fat or too old. Maybe I am just not that someone you can proudly call "Hunny" or any other pet name in front of your friends. Maybe I am asking for a lot. Maybe I desperately wanted you to be a part of my life and my future.

I have given it some thought. Sometimes, I wonder if I can do it-- if I can just make my feelings stop. I will miss our talks, our laughs, our special moments together. I will miss the electricity I feel when you touch me. I will miss our private jokes and weird connections. I have been alone for so long, maybe I am meant to be alone. Time is not a luxury for me anymore. I cannot wait indefinitely for someone who cannot even commit himself to me and for something that will never happen. I'm sorry if you also get hurt, but I can't do this anymore. Maybe it's about time I learn to love myself again.