Date and Time

I look at the calendar of my planner and see dates made meaningful with you in it.

I look at future days and I see wishful thinking notes hoping to visit places and experience new things with you. I wanted to get to know you more.

I look at your birthday and I see a handwritten wish that I hope we could be more that what we were before-- more in the sense that we learn more from life and from each other. More because I just don't want us to be "special friends" who just date.

I look at my watch and realize that time without you has never been the same, but I know I chose this. This is the best time for me to move on because love is not supposed to hurt like this.

Now, I wish that time can be a friend. I wish that I can heal through time. Maybe another day will come when I can say I am truly happy again.

Divided We Fall

"The depth of your belief and the strength of your conviction determines the power of your personality." - Brian Tracey

I'm the type of person who gets attracted to someone's physical aspects, but falls in love with someone's personality. I wish your personality was as strong as your hands when they hold mine or your arms when they hug me. I wish you were strong enough to fight for what we had-- whatever that was. I wish your beliefs were strong enough to know that what we had was real and that I was willing to give all my love to you.

Alas, you were not the strong man I imagined. I had to find strength within myself-- strength to let you go. Thank you for everything.

Boomerang Wishes

I wish you happiness.

I wish you sunshine when it rains and drizzle during summer. I wish you faith during desperate times. I wish you mystery and adventure to make your life exciting. I wish you confidence when you're struggling to stand on your feet. I wish you light that will light your dark paths. I wish you hope to help you make it through lonely nights. I wish you inspiration to make you look forward to the future. I wish you good health so you can travel far and wide.

Most of all, I wish you love-- a love that you can be proud of, a love that is unconditional and true and kind, a love that makes all former loves stepping stones and lessons learned, a love that you truly deserve.

I wish that you wish the same for me.

Images

Random snapshots flash through my brain-- memories I don't want forgotten and moments I want to etch in my mind for as long as I can.

My everyday route is now composed of places with you in it. You were there sitting beside me during a bus ride. You were looking at me during a train ride. We were laughing together while walking along these shops in the mall. This was where we ate and where you bought my Valentine's chocolates. These used-to-be normal events are now special for me because of your presence. Now, I'm back to being alone.

I hope that one day soon, these images will be replaced by other memories. If not, I hope I can recall them again without the sadness. I hope.

To The Man Who Will Not Accept My Love

I'm a romantic and that's my downfall.

I easily fall in love with people who find the time to make me feel special. I also easily get hurt in the process.

I have only been truly in love once and I was too young and he did not see me as someone he can be with for a long time. I have always been a victim of unrequited love and it made me a bit bitter and a bit jaded. Years passed and then you came along.

I thought this would be my love story, my fairy tale, my happy ending. I was ready to give the love I have been saving for a long, long time. I wanted to shout to the whole world that I choose you and you choose me. Our start was not as I imagined it to be. You were only able to give a part of your heart to me, but then we still decided to give us a try. It was not just physical. I know we have a connection that I cannot explain and I know I cannot find that with any other man. I wanted it to work. I wanted us to work so badly.

Despite everything I did, you still cannot give me your whole heart. I am just a routine. I am just there when you need me. You cannot give me the honor of calling me your girlfriend. You cannot tell me you love me to my face. I started to wonder why.

Is it you? Are you in love with someone else? Do you think there is still someone out there who can make you happier? Do you see another woman in your future?

Is it me? All my insecurities came flooding in. Maybe I am not a girlfriend material. Maybe I'm too fat or too old. Maybe I am just not that someone you can proudly call "Hunny" or any other pet name in front of your friends. Maybe I am asking for a lot. Maybe I desperately wanted you to be a part of my life and my future.

I have given it some thought. Sometimes, I wonder if I can do it-- if I can just make my feelings stop. I will miss our talks, our laughs, our special moments together. I will miss the electricity I feel when you touch me. I will miss our private jokes and weird connections. I have been alone for so long, maybe I am meant to be alone. Time is not a luxury for me anymore. I cannot wait indefinitely for someone who cannot even commit himself to me and for something that will never happen. I'm sorry if you also get hurt, but I can't do this anymore. Maybe it's about time I learn to love myself again.

Papa

It was the first Sunday of March and the promise of summer was broken by an early morning downpour. The sky was crying. It would be the last day that I would see my father's body. Did he like rain? I am not sure. I know he loved nature. He always made sure the birds that visit our house get their small parcels of bread. There are many aspects of my father that I didn't know. Some of them were revealed through the words and memories of his friends, relatives, people he loved and people who love him.

Consistent to his personality, the sun shone while a group of people went to the crematorium, where we would eventually get his ashes. He never wanted to make other people suffer for his benefit. He was a kind-hearted man, probably the kindest I've ever known.

A week before that, I remember watching one of his favorite television shows with him. I was lying on the sofa and he was stroking my hair. I will miss those moments. Those simple, yet treasured memories that will fill my heart with longing. Our home is not complete without him. I woke up earlier and felt like everything that happened was a blur. I could write a book describing the kind of life he lived. That is just from my perspective. I know that there are others who also grieve because we lost a man who touched a lot of lives. These people also have their own fond memories of my father.

He will always be loved. He will always be remembered. He is already missed. Papa, wherever you are, I know you are happy. Thank you for teaching me more lessons... Life is fleeting. Life should always be treasured, no matter how deep I get in my daily routine. Do not always worry about the little things because life has its way of taking care of itself. Relationships should be treasured. It always pays to be kind to others. Thank you for the life you lived. I am grateful for having a father like you. I wish I could have told you all of these when you can still hear me, but I am sure you still know how I feel. I know you will always guide us. Have fun on your next adventure, Papa! I love you very much!