I went to work crying for the second time in my work life (the first was during Christmas Eve 2003). My parents were surprised when they saw me dressed up for work. My mother said I should give it one more day for rest. But since I told myself that if my fever is gone I'll be working tonight, I have to do that. I can't afford to be absent anymore. (I think I've mentioned that before.) I felt so special and protected because both my parents woke up for me and my father even accompanied me to wait for a cab. I was touched.

I'll just think that all these sacrifices are for them and I would feel fine.

Hey, that's my button!



Sean Astin (Samwise Gamgee) poses with his very own
TPTS button!

I'm one proud Tolkienite! :)

In sickness and (hopefully) in health

Now, where should I begin?

I'm feeling a bit better now. Better in the sense that I'm finally perspiring, which is good and I'm finally out of bed. I actually am forcing myself to be well, believing "what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve".

I've been bedridden for five days due to fluctuating fever, dizziness and weakness. I've missed two days of work and one of the main reasons I want to be well is that I cannot afford to be sick anymore.

My mother wanted me to go to the hospital but since we don't have money and I don't have a healthcard, I could only afford to go to this clinic near my house. The doctor diagnosed me with Acute Pharyngitis. No cold and hot drinks allowed--- all lukewarm. Nevertheless, everything still tastes bland. But despite the "cheaper" professional fee the doctor charged me, the antibiotics burned and is still burning holes in my pockets. I'll be taking them until the end of the week. If the fever persists, I need to go back for lab tests. Now I'm trying hard to sweat so the fever won't come back. Hopefully, I could report for work tonight.

I missed about two days in "The Purpose-Driven Life" but within the days I am confined to my room, I learned and realized a lot of things. Mothers are, more often than I admit it, right. Like when my mother told me I should give ample time to rest and I believed her and felt so sorry for not following her advice. I didn't tell her my apologies directly but I cried in front of her and that's been a while since that sort of thing happened. (This was the time when I was having chills and a 40-degree temperature). I also realized that the best form of sacrifice and sign of love is "giving time". Time is precious and my family did not deny me that when they gave all their efforts and attention to me when I need them most. I also realize that whatever happens, my family will always be there even if we grow old and we have our own ideas and points of view. The hardest lesson of all is that good health is an underestimated asset. I've always thought I'm invincible in the sense that my immune system won't give in to sickness, but I was wrong. Now I'm paying for that mistake (literally).

So, I'm hoping to start working tonight and not go to the point where I have to spend more because of lab tests or worse, hospital confinement. No more fever please!

I probably have tons of unread emails already so enough of this blogging. Baka mabinat ako. Hehehe!

Thank God it's the last work day of the week!

I have a slight fever right now and I have three more hours to go in my shift. :(

--------------------

30 minutes left before the end of my shift. I'm feeling better now. You know why? Because system went down about two and a half hours ago! Woohoo! :)

Going the Distance

I was down in the dumps earlier when I learned that we might not see each other this weekend. It's been three weeks and to think he's only a taxi ride away. It seems our schedules just don't meet.

That plus the fact that I was not feeling well made me lay down in bed for about an hour staring into nothingness. My left jugulodigastric lymph nodes (the one just below my left ear) is tender and painful to the touch, probably because of my aching left molars. Ouch!

Then this song started playing on the radio...

Coz you left me just when I needed you most...

Damn. Screw sentimentality.

Then I started reading Day 14: When God seems distant. There's this note that states "Any relationship involves time of closeness and time of distance..." Bull's eye. (Now, I'm missing all my friends that are far from me!)

I learned that God wants us to trust Him rather than feel Him. He prefers faith than feelings. It actually helps in developing a mature relationship and probably that's what I'm going through. Then I just have to continue believing in Him especially through times when I feel abandoned.

This made me remember Christ's passion:

"Jesus gave up everything so you could have everything. He died so you could live forever. That alone is worthy of your continual thanks and praise. Never again should you wonder what you have to be thankful for!"

One hour na down ang system. San tuloy-tuloy na ito hanggang endshift! Hehehe.

Deadma pa rin yung crush ko. Alam nya kaya? Hmmm...

Bago bumalik ang system, meron lang akong na-discover...

Medyo PG-13 ito...

Look closely...

Hulaan nyo kung sino 'to...


WARNING!!! NOT FOR THE WEAK-HEARTED!!!

WARNING!!! NOT FOR THE WEAK-HEARTED!!!

WARNING!!! NOT FOR THE WEAK-HEARTED!!!





It's just amusing. Don't blame me. :)

Day 13: My kind of worship

I know that when I sacrifice myself, I have to offer everything-- my all. I've never been much of a church-goer despite the Catholic school training for 7 years. I've always believed that I could pray anywhere I want. During the times I go to church, I see to it that it's a special visit and I'm not just dragging myself to go there.

Anyways, here's something I wanna share:

Prayer seeks for wisdom, not simply answers.
It looks for courage, not simply help.
It seeks for the gift of persistence, not only quick solutions.

I thought why am I worshipping God according to what others tell me? How should I know which is the right kind of worship or not? Why would I base my individuality to other people's standards? I just hope God will give me a sign how He wanted me to worship Him.

It's midweek and I feel lazy!

Tsaka parang hindi ko na "feel" yung crush ko... Kasi naman... Ah basta!

Day 12: Building Friendship with God

Hmmm... I never thought that friendship with God would seem like "normal" friendship as well--- which means I can be honest with Him and I can tell Him what I really think! But then I should have to keep in mind that we're friends but we are NOT equal (definitely!). Hahaha! I guess it's been a long time since I felt "close" to Him. I know I was the one who moved away and now I'll try to get close again.

Snippets

Yesterday, I filled up this survey in my Friendster bulletin board about my high school life. After that, I kinda missed high school--- my friends, teachers, my school, my attitude...

--------------------

I've already signed up for Gmail, thanks to Blogger! I'm one of the first few people who will try this new email with 1000Mb worth of storage! Woohoo! So you can now email me at karenkristie@gmail.com. ;)

--------------------

Since I got to remember high school earlier, I found it funny when I thought of my previous crushes. There were times when I would do anything for my crush to notice me. Then I realized that one good thing about NOT being single is that you don't care whether your crush does not notice you or does not give a damn about your existence. Coz you know that whatever happens, it's just a crush and there will always be someone who loves you no matter what. :)

Day 11: Make God my bestfriend.

I think that's a good idea. Especially now that I seldom see my friends and I don't have what I call a best bud at work. I can't tell my sister everything too (although I consider her my bestfriend as well). I guess I have to develop that ability to talk to Him.

It's finally raining! Yay! Now, that's something to smile about today.

In the past few days, I've noted some heartmelting quotes:

EDWARD: Will you marry me?
SANDY: But you don't even know me!
EDWARD: I have my whole lifetime to know you.
(From "Big Fish")

"A lover can be in the head a madman and in the heart a minstrel."
~ Tristran Thorn (From "Stardust" by Neil Gaiman)

Then last night, he opened up his problems to me. We may not see each other for another week and it made me sad. I asked him if I can help him in any way I can, I would. Then he replied, "All I'm asking for is your patience in my shortcomings." I know it isn't too much to ask and I know I am patient enough to give that to him. But I still can't help but feel sad.

Now that's one quote I'm not going to forget in a long time.

---------------------

Day 10: Surrender is the heart of worship

There are things that I take as my own-- my problems, my responsibilities, the fruits of my labor to name a few. Maybe I'd start surrendering them to Him.

You know what?

I like this guy at work. Not much of a looker but he sure is malambing. He's friendly and sometimes touchy. Never hesitates to give us a pat in the back if we need one. I dunno him that much so enough of the descriptions. He may get the chance to read this for all I know, right? Yaiks!

It's been a long time since I had a real-life crush... not since *ahem*ahem* during review class. It felt kinda weird because I felt sort-of guilty.

I miss being single because I can have all the crushes I want without feeling guilty at all. :)

My sis and I watched "Big Fish" yesterday. Typical Tim Burton film and I love it! Ewan McGregor is the perfect Edward Bloom. I am not sure what his real age is, but he sure looks good! It was actually a sad movie. It made my sister cry. Now, I am more geared towards making a better life for my family, especially for my parents. I want to watch it again, but I don't think I can. Probably wait for the video release then rent it. Heh heh.

I met up with some TPTS friends as well for our April moot. Got my buttons! Yipee! If you've seen me you'll know I sort-of collect buttons. Probably if you see me sometime soon you'll see my new buttons too! :)



Buttons, buttons, buttons galore!

It was nice seeing those familiar faces again. Sharing serious and mostly funny stories. Witty and "queer" (a.k.a. gay; from "Queer as Folk") friends sure make life more interesting with their points of view. I even got to talk to Miss O for a few moments who shared about interesting topics such as ghosts, premonitions and speaking with dead relatives. I did not have the guts to speak to one though. I wish I could finish reading "Stardust" (just a few pages left) so I can read this book by Jaime Licauco about the supernatural.



TPTS Group pic April 17 moot taken from Gabe's website

--------------------

"Smile an everlasting smile. A smile can bring you near to me..." ~Boyzone

Day 9: Make Him smile.

People who don't know me probably think I'm snobbish. There's even this guy at work who said I always frown and look problematic because of my pursed lips. Haha! But if you knew me, you'll know that I smile easily (especially with sarcastic jokes). But I don't think God's like that. A simple gesture of kindness would surely make His day. So I guess I better increase my gestures of kindness everyday especially to those people who deserve them!

Smile always! :)

I was made to please him.

You'd probably think some naughty thoughts about that statement. (I'd do too since I'm a bit green-minded. Hehe!) But what if I make a slight change...

Day 8: I was made to please Him.

Now, that sends another message up your brain, right? In my case, I'd say sorry for thinking "dirty thoughts".

Whoever decided that giving a check for payday is a good idea should undergo what we went through today and more. Imagine coming from my 9-hour shift and waiting in the bank for about three hours more just to wait for our well-deserved pay. I'm home now and I have a migraine. I can't sleep. (Patience... Patience...) I hope they won't do that on April 30 or else I will be getting my much-awaited pay three days later!

Day 7: A reason for everything

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. That always makes me feel better.

--------------------

He went home to the province again. Missing... missing... him so!

--------------------

I can't get myself to ponder on the thought for the day. And since this song keeps playing in my head, I'll just post it here. It actually goes well with the topic. :)


~*"The Reason" - Hoobastank*~

I'm not a perfect person, there are many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you, its something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches your tears, that's why I need you to hear

I'm not a perfect person, I never meant to do those things to you
And so I hate to say before I go, that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be
A reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do, and that reason is you

Now, try to change the you to You. ;)

I am. Hahaha!

Courtesy of Garfield

--------------------

Interview later was postponed. I will be informed when the new sched will be. Darn.

Fever gone. I just need to drink lotsa water for my sniffles. Water, water, water! (Written like a true Cancer.) I love water, blame it on my "Crabby" nature. Too bad I couldn't go swimming this summer. :(

System went down, but guess what? I am on lunch. So there. Nakaka-badtrip!

Feeling better now. I'm at home and I'm not yet sleepy. No more fever for me. Just a need to take care of a runny nose and an itchy throat.

Day 6: Passing Through

Aside from being a steward, I learned I am also an ambassador in this temporary assignment. Problem with me is, I get too attached with earthly things and I am easily pleased with them. Now I have to remember that I still have a final home to go to and I want them all to be proud of me when I get there. I believe in karma and I know that after all the hardships in this life, I'll be looking forward to what would come next.

I'm still sick right now but I'm at work. I already took some meds. My father told me never to sacrifice health for wealth.

Day 5: Test and Trust

I am having a hard time reflecting today since all I did was sleep when I got home. My mind's not working well and I have this headache. I better be taking care of myself then since I am just a steward of this life. It is difficult to see life through God's point of view. I just hope I would be able to apply my "test-taking skills" to this journey.

I'm sick. But here I am halfway through my shift. I just hope some meds would make me feel better.

*hachoo!*

*sniff*sniff*

Day 4: Preparing for eternity.

I am not scared of death, but facing forever is also not something I am prepared to look forward to. Especially since I know I am still craving for life's temporary happiness.

Lisse: Belated Happy 13th monthsary!

Day 3: What drives you?

Hope. Knowing that I would be able to give my family a better life.

Right now, I'm taking this one day at a time. I wanted to become something but I don't know what that something is. I'm in a limbo. I wanted to become a physical therapist but I have a different job because it pays. I hope that I'll get the opportunity to have meaningful work and get good pay at the same time. I don't want to wander aimlessly anymore... keeping an insane schedule, getting tired of stress, not because of overwork but because of meaningless work. I want to experience the joy of knowing I am there because I am meant to be there.



Happy Easter!!!

Here at work for a half day overtime. I should be at home right now but we have a 2-hour training scheduled tonight and I'd add two more hours of calls so I can get a half day double pay. It's good that the training will start earlier than my usual work sched.

Day 2: I am planned. :)

One of the employment agencies I've applied in for PT job abroad informed me three days ago that I have an interview with a US employer on April 15 at 10AM. I should be there by 9AM. My shift at work ends at 10AM and I was planning to go undertime. Then today, we were informed that our shift would temporarily be moved earlier from 11PM to 8AM next week. Probably I was meant to go through that interview.

God works wonders. :)

I would have been late for work today if I had not been woken up by my father's ear-piercing screams. I don't know if he had a nightmare or what but when I went to check on him, he was already awake. I asked him if he's okay and he said yes. I was so worried I had an adrenaline rush and was able to make it to work on time. Whew.

--------------------
*setting aside my selfishness*

Day 1: It's not all about me. I have to focus on God.

Thank God it's Friday... Good Friday... a day to remind us how fortunate we are to live... and love. Thank God for sending us your Son to redeem us from our sins.

Looking forward to the weekend. :)

The Lord's Test

I woke up this morning
and knew that today,
The sun would not be shining
and the clouds would be gray.

As I stepped outside,
rain fell upon my head.
My car wouldn't start
so I walked to school instead.

I forgot all of my assignments
I failed all of my tests.
I dropped my head in disgust
and asked the Lord for one request.

"Lord, why is it that
things won't go my way?"
He gently replied,
"Dear child it is because
you didn't thank me yesterday.

I woke you up and enabled
you to see the sun again.
I gave you shelter,
protected your family, and even let
you make a new friend.

I blessed you far
greater than I ever had before.
But you were too busy to thank me once more.
You didn't feel sick
because I maintained your health.
You had money in your pocket
because I maintained your wealth.

You had shoes on you feet
and clothes to wear, too.
You had plenty of food to eat,
and what did you do?

You ignored me and went
about your tasks.
But when you wanted something
you never hesitated to ask.

I was there when you needed me
and that wasn't too long ago.
But when things started going your way,
it was me you did not know.

As if that weren't enough,
I provided your favorite luxuries.
This was something I didn't have
to do -- they weren't even necessities.

And when it was time to get on your
knees and show your gratitude,
You decided that after such a
fulfilling day, you weren't in the mood.

So I decided to
give you just a little test.
To show you how it would feel
to stop being blessed."

I began to realize what
the Lord was saying.
And when I got home, I fell
to my knees and started praying.

He said, "My child, you have
learned and you know I do forgive.
But remember to remember this day
as long as you shall live.

I love filling your life with joy,
and your pain I'll alleviate it.
But just a simple thank you
would show how much you appreciate it."

Selfish

The difficult thing with loving someone who already has a responsibility is that you will always be in a position where you are just one of the options. You will never get 100% of his attention, of his love, of his care, of his thoughts and worries. You will never feel spoiled. You should always understand, should always adjust and should always accept that there will be times when you feel unwanted, ignored and even stupid.

I've accepted that but sometimes, I can't help but be human, and being human means being selfish sometimes. This is one of the days when I'm feeling selfish. So sue me.

Just ended my shift. I learned that we won't meet this Saturday since his mom will be arriving from the province and he is needed at home. I also learned that we have a 2-hour training in the office that same day so I don't know when we will meet again. It's almost three weeks since I last saw him.

--------------------

"And I don't want the world to see me...
Coz I don't think that they'd understand...
When everything's made to be broken...
I just want you to know who I am."

~"Iris", Goo Goo Dolls

I am 40% evil.



I could go either way.
I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error.
My life is a tug of war between good and evil.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

I still feel lonely. Maybe it's because of my anti-social work schedule.

I got home and watched a video with my family. I love moments like that. He was asleep in the afternoon so we didn't really get to talk. Then I went to sleep and I woke up past 11PM and I read messages from him. The last one stating he's going to sleep quarter before 11PM. I read his messages after waking up and I felt sad again. Our schedules don't meet. I miss him more.

--------------------
I wrote you a reply letter. Just wait for it in the mail. :)

Of Ghosts and Growing Up

Ever felt lonely? Ever felt lonely despite all the people around you?

Right now, that's how I feel. I left home and everyone is asleep. The streets I passed by were deserted after midnight. I arrived at the office happy to see my batchmates, but then I was re-assigned to a workstation far from my batchmates. I am alone in this area (except for ghostly companies maybe, but I don't wanna see or feel them). I don't know anyone near me. What if I have questions later during my shift? Goodluck na lang sa akin.

--------------------
I miss him a lot.

--------------------
Yesterday, we rented "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". I watched it twice already. I miss the feeling of falling head over heels in love. That inexplicable feeling of dizziness, lightheadedness, craziness, freedom... like falling into an abyss... like walking under a bus and getting hit by a train (like that song by Bachelor Girl)... like kissing into oblivion. *sigh*

--------------------
Due to insistent sisterly demands, I watched "Peter Pan" earlier today. Seeing Lucius Malfoy as Mr. Darling and Capt. Hook at the same time required some adjustments from me. Hehehe! It was an adventure! I was surprised the movie was produced by Mohammad Al Fayed and dedicated it to his son, Dodi (the lover of Princess Di who died with her). I love the effects, the lights, the colors! Wendy and Peter look good together! *wink*

I miss being a kid again when all things were possible and all dreams were reachable. If I were to choose, I'd rather not grow up. I wish there was really a Neverland where I could sleep on clouds and fly anytime I want to... *thinking happy thoughts*

His Passion



*SPOILERS GALORE*
*SPOILERS GALORE*
*SPOILERS GALORE*

I expected I'd cry buckets of tears. My mom and sis actually cried more than I did (considering I'm the crybaby. Hehe!) I was not sniffling, but then there were teardrops falling silently during some scenes. Plus there was an uncomfortable constriction in my throat when I was trying hard to prevent these teardrops from falling. I realized I am guilty. I knew my sins were once of those wounds piercing His skin.

I felt this heaviness on my chest during the scene where he was scorned by Caiphas and his followers. I love the acting of the disciples Peter and Judas. I was moved. At first, I did not know what the devil's role was in the movie because as far as my Catholic education was concerned, the last time Jesus encountered the devil was during the devil's temptation when He was fasting for 40 days. But I think the scenes including the devil during those last hours before the crucifixion was also a great idea (plus the portrayal of a woman). The makeup was amazing during the scourging at the pillar. I can feel the pain of those wounds! The first batch of tears fell after scourging Christ and Mary was asking herself why, how and when... *sniff* The second batch came down after Christ fell the third time during the carrying of the cross, then Mary came running toward Him... *sniff* A scene was inserted about Jesus when He also fell down as a kid (really cute kid! May pass as a hobbit. :))

As one of the most underrated actors for me, Jim Caviezel proved to be deserving of the role of Jesus Christ. I cannot think of any other actor who can play that role and who will look as convincing. I also have to admit he has pretty eyes! Two thumbs up to Mel Gibson! I love the part when this drop of water fell down after Jesus dies on the cross. Before that was the bird's eye view of Calvary. Beautiful! Then after three days, Jesus was standing beside His bed of rock in Simon of Arimathea's tomb, then they showed the holy shroud shrinking with each camera movement... *sigh*

I need to watch it again.

--------------------

Today is Palm Sunday.

Facing Christ

Shift ended after having a long last call. That's okay. As of the moment, nothing can dampen my spirit. Not even the fact that I'll now be working from 1AM until 10AM (geez...). But then I'm facing the weekend and I don't think I can steal some sleep at all. I'll be watching "The Passion of the Christ" (please refer to post last 31 March) this evening with my family. I am sooo looking forward to it! I heard a lot of comments and reviews about it, but I don't have any expectations. I'll just see for myself.

C'mon... Gimme a hug!





*HUGS* TOTAL!
give karenkristie more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own


--------------------

Yay! More hugs for me! More "anonymous" hugs for me!
NOTE: I'd actually prefer to know from whom these hugs came from.

Difficult day adjusting to a new work schedule. Work now starts at 1AM until 10AM. I was scared on the way to work because as far as I know, I was the only being walking on our well-lighted street (thank God for electricity!). Dunno when this is going to change. Or maybe to be optimistic, I can go to work earlier than needed and render overtime. Hmmm...

*ka-ching! ka-ching!*

Your Inner Eye Color Is Brown
You're smart, thoughtful, and the ideal woman for most men.
You are kind and easy to trust. Men open up to you like no one else.
It's this inner warmness that attracts guys - and makes you an instant soulmate.


What's Your Inner Eye Color? Take This Quiz :-)

Pagod

Tapos na ang exam. Mahirap pero sinubukan kong sagutin at tapusin. Pangalawa ako sa naunang natapos. Sabi nila dami ko daw alam. Sabi ko naman, para saan pa at magpapatagal ako. Eh nasagutan ko na lahat at wala na akong babaguhin pa. Kung mali, eh di mali. Wala na akong magagawa. Ugali ko kasi dati na magpatagal bago ipasa. Binabasa ko pa ulit mga sagot ko. Tapos may babaguhin ako. Malalaman ko lang na yung una ko palang mga sagot ang tama... na sana di ko na lang pinalitan. Sabi nila, kung ano daw yung unang sagot mo, malamang yun ang tamang sagot. Kaya di na ako nag-atubiling ipasa ang papel ko.

Nalaman ko rin na ipapadala pala sa US ang exams namin. Sila ang magco-correct. Buti pa yung papel ko, makakapunta ng US, ako hindi.

Papasok ako ng 1AM bukas (Sabado) para sa Friday shift ko, hanggang 10 AM ito. Ayoko ng time na 'to kasi masyadong late na. Nakakatakot pumunta ng opisina mag-isa. Pero since effective tomorrow lang naman ito, wish ko pa rin mas ok magiging schedule ko starting Monday next week.

Pagod na ang utak ko. Kaya siguro nagta-Tagalog ako ngayon. Ayoko na mag-isip kung tama ba ang grammar na ginagamit ko.

Sana lang pumasa ako.

Burp.

Excuse me. :)

Been dreading and looking forward to this day at last. The last of of training--- exam day. I've experienced before that training is the most fun period in a callcenter job. I just hope the fun won't stop after training. We'll be taking calls tomorrow and I am not prepared. Heck, I am not even prepared for this exam! Will just take this one day at a time. I know I'm gonna learn more while I'm on the floor. This is not new to me, but I'm still anxious.

Food galore tonight!



Looking forward to the weekend.