"St. Stephanie"

I dunno if this is just one of her melodramatic moments but my Ma's attitude is already getting on my nerves (and getting on my tear ducts as well). My Pa will give his pension so she could buy tickets for Bacolod, but she did not even buy tickets. I gave a chunk of my 13th month pay for my Pa's prescription eyeglasses (diabetes affects his eyes), but still no word from her. I dunno what her plans are because she is not talking to me nor my sister. I dunno what I did to deserve that. She had a problem with my sis, why rage war against me? Now she has this wall around her that we could not break. Everytime I'm at home, she's locked in her room. Not even a nod or a stare. Nothing.


My Ma has this tendency to absorb all hardships around her. She feels like she's this superwoman who can carry all the burdens of her family. She has also this mood that affects, not just one, but all people around her. When she graduated High School, she worked so that her younger siblings can finish studying. But laziness seems to be popular those days, they did not even finish High School. Now, her siblings have their own family (kids galore!) and until now, they still depend on my Ma. It would actually be fine with me if we can just afford to feed all of them, but we cannot. Both my parents are not working anymore. Five mouths in our family are even too many for my salary. Now, it seems like everyone there in the province don't know what to do without my Ma's presence. I guess that's why she is suffering because deep inside, she knows there's not much she could do since she has no money. It seems like she wants to maintain her status of being the savior of her family or of being the "most successful" daughter who lives in Manila. Who wouldn't?


Probably she thinks that I am not worried at all about what's happening out there. She probably thinks all I'm thinking about is just myself. Ma, if I am as selfish as I wanna be, I would have left home since I started earning my own money. I would have gotten a place of my own. I would have not thought of my sister's schooling or the monthly bills or the groceries. I wouldn't have given a damn. But you see, I can only do this much. I cannot cry over something I cannot control. I know this is tough since it's your mother who needs you right now. We are not preventing you from going to the province and taking care of her. Remember, she is also my grandmother. Also remember, you're going there to spend time with her as much as you like. Don't think about going there and saving the people from poverty. So what if you arrive in the province with only a few pesos to spare? So what if you don't have gifts for them this Christmas? Why don't you just go there and do what you can do and not worry about the things you can't change?


We are hurting too, not just you.


God, give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.