freedom in love

I was reading Paulo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes" yesterday and read through this part. I had to pause and ponder what was written and I just wanna share it with you.

All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.

And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.

That is why, regardless of what I might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. I hope this time passes quickly, so that I can resume my search for myself-- in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer.

But what am I saying? In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.

It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.

---
p.90, "Eleven Minutes". Paulo Coelho.
"Don't just walk through life. Dance through it."

Click here for more info about the book.

author tracker

I was actually checking out info on this latest book I'm reading by Paulo Coelho when I accidentally browsed through this site. I'm sure a lot of booklovers out there would find it interesting. Just place your email address and viola! You'll receive news about authors of your choice from HarperCollins Publishers.

Thank God for bigger mailboxes! :)

Dolores Price

This heroine of Wally Lamb's "She's Come Undone" has taught me an important lesson in life when she said, "I think the secret is to just settle for the shape your life takes. Instead of... always waiting for what might make you happy."

Love is like breathing. You take it in and let it out.

injustice

Just watched "Mystic River". It's one of those Oscar-nominated films that I didn't get to watch in the theater. From most of the movies I've seen lately, it's the one that depicted the real world. Why? Because there was injustice in the story. No good guys beating up the bad guys and no happily ever after. It's just a struggle between man and man, guilt and principles. It was good.

Last night, I was looking forward to this day. Knowing that I won't have work to drag myself to in the evening. But then something happened that ruined my plans. Maybe it was my over-sentimentality. Someone said before that no guy would be in a relationship with me for a long time because of that. Maybe. Maybe not. But then what I have is no ordinary guy. He's a man, also struggling with his own life, trying to make ends meet, and I'm trying to "force" him into placing me in between. That was selfish of me, I know. But I just want him to do something special for me--like sacrifice his daily routine to spend time with me. I tell myself I always get to "sacrifice" my sleeping time or family time or personal time for him. I just wanted him to do the same. It's not his fault he doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body. It's not my fault all my bones are. I kept getting apologies. Not that I don't appreciate them, but I always get them. He's sorry, but he doesn't change. I want him to change, but I can't force him to, so I told myself to accept him for what he is. He told me the reason why he couldn't come. I pitied him. But I know that since he doesn't do something with his life, he'll end up where he is right now. And it's not only him who's suffering the consequences.

He said he gives his best, but his best is not always enough. I hate it when I'm feeling this way. Why am I so hard to please?

Good thing my mother thought I was crying over "Mystic River". That type of life-depicting movie doesn't make me cry. Real life does.

greetings...

...to the boy who is lucky enough to be chosen in portraying a very influential character.

...to the boy who lived.

...to my sister's "unreachable dream" (hehehe!)

Happy 15th Birthday, Daniel Radcliffe!

kissin' and smokin'

I could not deny the fact that whatever I do to avoid it, it would always find a way to affect me. I tried to stay away from the limelight, to keep quiet and just do what I'm expected to do if not do the best I can, to smile and be in good terms with the "higher beings", to avoid people who keeps butting in to other people's business, heck, I even changed companies to avoid it! But it always gets to me.

"Politics" in the corporate world sucks.

It's almost two years since I started working and I realized that when I'm out there, university degrees don't matter, breeding doesn't matter, intelligence and hardwork don't matter IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO KISS ASS. You know, rubbing elbows with the "right people", getting promoted for a job well done (in licking butts), playing the game, being phony.

Oh and another thing, in the callcenter industry, you should be really good friends (or lovers) with a manager or a supervisor. If not, then learn how to smoke. Breathing polluted air will eventually be your savior. Smoke and find an excuse to hang out with the "right people". Before you know it, you're getting promoted after a few weeks. Cool huh? Too bad I'm not a smoker. But I'd rather kill myself working than smoking my lungs out.

That's not me. So, I'm still here-- a corporate slave.

This is my opinion. I am not here to bad-mouth all smokers in the callcenter industry. But well, I'm sure you all know what I'm writing about.

I told myself I will not get affected AS LONG AS they leave me alone. I work to earn a living for myself and my family. The last thing I need is someone poking in and finding faults and errors and creating lies if they can't find one. I just hope that people would really grow up when it comes to work-related things. Coz I know there are some out there who, I think, need to go back to school and learn.

As much as I would want to stay rooted in one place, I can't seem to find a job where I really fit in.

(This entry is for my friend. You know who you are. Just be strong, girl. They'l get what they deserve. You'll get what you deserve too. That's reason enough to be happy. Smile, ok?)

I wonder where I could get a copy of this book:

Don't grow old. Just grow up.

Got this from a post in this site.

Many people are afraid of growing old.
I'm afraid of growing old and boring.
Many people are afraid of growing old, alone.
I'm afraid of growing old insane.
Many people are afraid of losing their looks.
I'm afraid of losing my dreams.
Many people are afraid of losing their youth.
I'm afraid of losing my soul.
When you're 15, 35 seems ancient.
When you're 35, 15 seems juvenile.
A turnaround in a split second --
two decades zoom past and before you know it,
it's only a mile to the next millennium.
Don't fear age -- it's a rite of personhood.
Don't fear death -- it's God's greatest jest.
Don't grow old -- you don't have to.
Don't date because you're desperate.
Don't marry because you're miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't separate because you think it's fashionable.
Don't drink because you have troubles.
Don't gamble because you think winning is inevitable.
Don't philander because you think you're irresistible.
Most likely, you're not.
Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat.
Don't lie.
Don't pretend.
Don't try to buy your way into the kingdom of God.
Don't dictate because you're smarter.
Don't demand because you're stronger.
Don't sleep around because you think you're old
enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell your self, your family or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.
Don't regress.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Don't live in the past.
Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw you life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong
because your biological clock is ticking
and you can't afford to have your eggs harvested
before the new millennium.
There's always a mad rush to something, somewhere
but victory does not always belong to those who finish first.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won,
only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To keep yourself warm, buy a jacket.
In the long run, it will be less complicated and costly.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best you can be.
Simplify your life.
Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends,
nasty habits and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you're not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
Fall in love -- it's the greatest thing on earth.
But take care.
And remember, after the fall must come the rise.
Go on that trip.
Don't postpone it.
Say those words.
Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you must even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Hold hands.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself.
Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you... except you.
It is true that life doesn't get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid.
Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old... Just grow up.

weather, weather

Cloudy skies. Scattered rainshowers. Cool temperature.

I love it when the weather is like this! Makes me wanna cuddle up. :)

Another lazy Wednesday for me. The week is halfway through.

One of my officemates just transferred to another company. She just started training and is raving about being there. I've been in that stage before. But I just hope she really stays happy there even after the training. We'll miss her though. Admittedly, I know she is getting far, far better benefits than what the company where I'm working right now is offering me. But I have a lot of things to consider-- the basic pay, the distance from my home, the rest days and the account. I know it's not the time for me to uproot myself again and transfer to another job. I'm barely five months in this company. I know I'm getting bored again. It seems like there's not enough challenge for me. Yes, it can be stressful and it is anti-social due to my night shift, but I've adjusted well in the environment. The pay is easy to get. Maybe I'll give it a few more months. Probably until the year ends. After that, I'll see what comes up next. That is, if my applications overseas still do not have fruitful outcomes. But I'm still hoping I'll be out of the country before I undergo my quarter-life crisis. :)

I've been thinking about career plans lately. I know I have a lot of decisions to make. I'm just waiting for the right time to decide. Today is not the day though, I know. It will come.

Pana-panahon lang 'yan. :)

peas in a pod

Isn't it every girl's dream to find her Prince Charming and live happily ever after? I just realized I also underwent that stage when I am hoping that my knight in shining armor will arrive and sweep me off my feet with his white horse and we'll ride off into the sunset. I am such a sucker for romantic fairy tales! So, there I was, watching "The Prince and Me" alone despite the fact that I have work last night and I'll be sleeping only for two hours before that. No wonder I slept immediately when I got home from work and I just woke up an hour ago!

The movie was nice but of course, it was not realistic. I mean, a normal college girl marrying the would-be King of Denmark? Not to mention that prince is gorgeous, refined and a great kisser? Hahaha! Goodluck! Even if I were Julia Stiles, that would still seem far-fetched. Oh, I wish fairy tales do come true in this harsh world... *sigh*

Not that I wanna marry a king though. I must admit I had the hots for Prince William. Hahaha!

Anyways, let me share these pics and look what I found!



Look again. If you think they're the same guys, say "Aye!".

If you think they're brothers, say "Yeah!".

As if I could hear you say those. Well anyways, they're not even related. The first pic is Luke Mably, who played Eddie or Prince Edward of Denmark in "The Prince and Me". The second pic is Kian Egan, who is a member of Westlife. Kian is Irish. Yes, I do have a soft spot for Europe and Brits. :)

Not convinced? Here's another comparison:


          (Left: Luke Mably.  Right: Kian Egan)

Cool huh? It's great to know there are still handsome men on this planet. :p

weekends

(Creating a post via the new blogger interface. Really cool!:))

Every week of my existence, I am always looking forward to weekends when I could sleep when the moon is out and the surroundings are dark, and I could wake up without wondering if I'm late for work again. The only thing I don't like about the weekend is that time flies by so fast, the next thing I know, it's freakin' Monday again. Back to reality. Ouch!

To quench my thirst for a teeny-bopper flick (after being disappointed that Cinemanila will not be showing "The Girl With A Pearl Earring" anymore), my sister and I watched "Mean Girls".



It was funny and since my sis and I found Lindsey Lohan pretty enough and talented enough (compared to the likes of Hilary Duff... Oops! Sorry. Haha!), we enjoyed the movie. Ok, I have to admit, it's not like my usual dose of neuron-exercising plot, but this guy really got visual cortex spinning:



He's Jonathan Brennan and he played the gorgeous-guy-I'm-gonna-make-him-mine role in this movie, Aaron Samuels. *sigh* I miss my school days when I used to crush over someone drool-worthy. It's not that I'm old and boring (or maybe I am), but maybe I just need a bit of distraction right now (like someone in the form of one handsome movie actor). I don't wanna drown myself in the misery and problems that adulthood brings.

rust and dream

Dreaming can also be a way for our subconscious to react to what is happening to us in the real world. They sometimes help us realize the meaning and importance of things that we normally neglect when we're wide awake.

Let's just say that my dream yesterday helped me wake up-- wake up and open my eyes to really see what's been going on.

For the past few days, things happened that placed a slight strain to my relationship with my mother. If I could compare our mother-daughter bond to a piece of metal rod, I can see some rust forming on the surface.

Then I had a dream that my family is financially-contented, but my mother left us all-- for another man. At my mother's age I know it's improbable for that to happen. I say improbable but possible. I know she loves us and God knows how much she really loves my father (she rarely shows her affection in front of us kids), but when my father got sick, she never left his side. To make the story short, I was crying in my dream as I grabbed her pants when she was about to leave with this man. We were inside a jeepney. I could not let go. I woke up and found myself really crying in bed. My pillow was wet with tears.

A friend told me that maybe it's about time for me to mend things... before the metal rod gathers more rust and breaks into two.

I wonder

why despite how hard you try to make your spirit soar, someone or something would, most of than not, dampen it.

I got home happy to give extra money to my mother. That money is actually a big chunk of my supposed birthday gift from a generous cousin. Now, it's almost gone. Again, money slipped through my hands. But she's making a big fuss out of it 'coz she wants to use it for one purpose and my father needs to pay for an overdue cable payment. Of course, when my mother is mad, she will see to it that everyone in her way will be affected. I am just trying hard not to lose my temper. Thank God I seem to be succeeding.

I am just looking forward to the weekend. I want to enjoy my life for a change. I mean, really enjoy my life, even for a short while. I think that's what I missed during my birthday. I did not get to celebrate it.

Thanks to another cousin who let us borrow her portable DVD player for a few days, I was able to watch Alfonso Cuaron's "Y Tu Mama Tambien" in the privacy of my room. Hahaha! Diego Luna is a cutie, despite the baby fats. :p

starting the week

Glad I got through Monday. Now, I have four more days to go through before the weekend. I am excited this coming weekend. I don't have any specific plan in mind, but I am looking forward to it. :)

I haven't seen my butterfly lately. I let him fly freely in the garden but I'm missing him more each day.

A couple of days ago, I started reading "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb.(Thanks sis!) After two days I was only able to read a few chapters. How I wish I have the whole day to myself so I can just lock myself in the room and finish the book! I was not able to watch Cinemanila's "The Girl With A Pearl Earring". I wonder if they'll be showing it here again. If not, I wish there's a video available. I'm interested in watching the movie version after reading the book.

rainy days and Mondays

It's raining. Its' already 4:30PM. I should be asleep now. I still have to wake up at 7PM since my work starts at 9PM. I dunno why I could not sleep. I'm just glad the weather seems to sympathize with my mood. I love it when it's raining like this. Everything feels cozy and comfortable. I just wish I could stay at home tonight. I am just not ready to start another work week. It felt like I ought to have done something over my birthday weekend, but I didn't. Now, I feel... incomplete.

record-making

Happy New Year to me!!!



I don't have a birthday cake, so I chose fireworks to lighten up my day. Fireworks to signify a new year, a new beginning, perhaps, a new chapter. I do not have plans today, my 24th day on this earth. I will just take things as they come and do my best to enjoy what another July 10 brings to my life. I just want to make a record-- that is, to keep myself awake until 11:59PM tonight. That means, this would be the first birthday that I will be spending the entire 24 hours awake. ;p

A huge THANK YOU to all my friends who remembered. You know who you are. I miss you, guys! *hugs*

feel no EVIL

About 90% of this entry was written last night at about 10:55 PM at work. I could not concentrate. I was distracted. I did not even care that I was almost 30 minutes late. I'm glad that day is over.

It feels weird when suddenly things you see on TV start happening in real life. I woke up last night and I noticed that there was something wrong. My sister informed me that my brother and mother were in the hospital. Someone punched my brother on his way to the nearest store. I panicked. Suddenly, it felt like my life became a fictional story. Things I never imagined would happen to us did. It made me realize how prone we are to evil in this world.

You see, we live near a community of people with different religion from us (They are non-Catholics). I won't say what religion to prevent any violent reactions. I have nothing against their religion and their beliefs. My family has lived peacefully in this place for about 12 years now. We don't bother anyone and nobody bothered us. Live and let live. Until yesterday.

My brother, as usual, went to the nearest store. He was doing nothing offensive and suddenly, this guy with an amputated left arm stood on his way and punched him. But since my bro is tall, about 5'11", he reached the jaw. My brother is not someone who would get into a fight. So, he backed away. A kid even helped separate them together saying something like "Wag mong anuhin yan, mabait yan!" ("Don't hurt him, he's a good guy!") My brother started to run. Then this other guy approached my brother's direction and punched him on the left eye...

*God, I am soooo angry right now!*

*Breathe in... Breathe out...*

*After a few moments*

My brother is wearing glasses. I mentioned it here before that imperfect vision runs in the family. There was a huge cut above his left eye. He is ok now, thanks to all the people who helped, especially our barangay chairman, the police, and the doctor who examined him in Ospital ng Maynila. I got the second-hand info of the story from my mother who was crying while she was telling my how my brother needed to hold her hand while he got all the shots and tests. My brother is not a violent person. He is quiet. Some girls even descibe him as "mysterious". But he is the one of the sweetest persons I know. Sobrang lambing! He is, like I said, tall and gangly. He has this "rockstar aura" since he is a professional musician (bassist).

Maybe they did not like the way he walked. Maybe they found him "mayabang" since he has this funny walk like he's bouncing with his head held high. But you see, I would not have reacted this way if I knew my brother were an asshole. But he is not. So, I blame them! I blame them and the drugs running through their veins and the shit filling their head. The guy with the amputated left arm tried to commit suicide two years ago. He jumped of a short building and accidentally hooked his left arm to the electricity cable. Such a loser! I wish he died then. That could have lessened the drug addicts in this country.

The safety we felt here at home is no more. There is always this tension everytime one of us goes out of the gate. There is an unspoken rule now not to pass in that area of our community. That means, we have to walk a longer way when we need to go to the mall. It sucks.

I don't know why people resort to violence to cover their insecurities. Maybe they think it's the best solution to their problems. If they think that way, then they better go back to the Stone Age. What's harsh is that the barangay chairman was telling my mother to file a case against them. No one wants to be the witness. You see, all people who saw what happened are in the same religion. I do not know if they're just scared or if that's how "brotherhood" means to them. If that's their sense of brotherhood, to turn a blind eye and ignore what happened, I just hope they find their enlightenment soon.

seventeen to twenty-four

After what happened, it's difficult for me to finish my list. It's hard to imagine the sun shining behind the clouds on a really gloomy day.

CONTINUATION...

24 Things I Am Grateful For:

(Things 17-24)

17. Another year. Another chance in life, new experiences to come, lessons to learn and people to meet.

18. Respect. It's what a few people deserve, some people want and what most people need to learn! There can be no love without respect.

19. My Guardian Angel. He/she/it always keeps me safe and acts as my conscience when the need arises. :)

20. My Free-falling Tears. It cleanses my soul and lightens my spirit. I am glad I am a weepy and sensitive person. I get hurt a lot, but I also get to show how I truly feel and I get to release my emotions.

21. Kind souls. There are still surviving men with goodness in their hearts in this fucked-up world. I consider them angels on earth.

22. Love. In all it's forms and variations. In all the hurts and pains and of course, in the magic and happiness it brings.

23. Laughter. To whoever invented it, thank You! I just wish I could get more intake of that in the next few days.

and last but not the least,

24. My God.He knows what's best for me and although I am not the best child there is (I am not much into faith and spirituality stuff), He is and will always be there to listen. I just need to talk to Him more often.

Chasing Butterflies

Another friend posted this in Friendster. I could have written it from my heart. I do not know the writer. To whoever wrote this, thank you for understanding how I feel.


art by Jilly Royle

Chasing Butterflies

Finally, I've caught it. The elusive butterfly I've been dying to catch since I was old enough to know the meaning of the word 'belong.'

My butterfly. Yes, it is truly mine. I've finally found the love of my life.

I've always equated chasing love to chasing butterflies. It's not easy to catch a butterfly because of its elusiveness. One would spend hours, even days, of chasing one before succeeding or giving up. Just like what I did for love.

I've been in love so many times before yet I never found someone who really stayed. They all went away after a few months or so, leaving me behind with a broken heart and broken wings. Many times I tried to quit, many times I failed and ended up getting my heart broken again and again. The elusive butterfly flying, always flying away from my reach.

Until he came along.

He came when I was busy chasing after someone whom I thought would give me wings to fly and soar through the clouds. I was the butterfly he chased but who never gave him the chance to catch up. He was not my type, that's why. My butterfly then was all I could see and think of.

But God has a funny way of helping me see things clearly. First, He took away the butterfly I was busily chasing from me. I was devastated and heart broken. But that's when I began to notice him for the first time. He was not that bad after all.

At first, I thought he was not a good catch. We were total opposites. I like guys who write or draw or paint, he doesn't even know how to draw a straight line. (I like guys who write me poems, he doesn't even write me one-liners.)* I love guys who lavish me with gifts, he thinks gifts are a waste of money. I love saying "mahal kita" every chance I get, he thinks that is cheesy. I thought it was a mistake to be with him. I thought he was not worth it. But when I begin to dig deeper, I discovered a hidden treasure.

He loves me.

Suddenly, he metamorphosed into a beautiful butterfly right before my eyes. The caterpillar I once knew and thought would never come to love has turned into a wonderful butterfly. And the best part is, he is mine.

Once, chasing a butterfly had brought me immense pain that I thought I would never have the courage to chase another again. But he changed my heart. He made me believe chasing butterflies doesn't bring sadness or sorrow, only joy and love. He made it such a great and noble task because he didn't let me do the chase. He was the one who did the chase. For me.

----------
*I have to insert this line. This part, I wrote myself. :)

nine to sixteen

If I were to choose the laziest of all my lazy days at work, this would be it. I won't bother to rant about it anymore. Let me just continue with my list...

24 Things I Am Grateful For:

(Things 9-16)

9. My Senses. Although I don't have a perfect vision (it runs in the family), I am glad of the fact that I can still appreciate beauty, rhythm, fragrance, texture and taste in every sense of each word.

10. My Home. This run-down apartment that we do not even own served as my home for the past 12 years of my life. I am thankful for the comfort it brings, for the familiar smells, sights, sounds and the safety it provides.

11. My Education. I am a product of mixed educational backgrounds. Seven years Chinese, another seven years Catholic and four years as Iskolar ng Bayan. I had a lot of options before but my road seemed to lead me this way and I am proud to learn what I needed to learn from these institutions.

12. My Teachers. This spot is for all the Sirs, Ma'ams, Misses, Sensei's who influenced me to become who I am today, whether they taught me the right things (so I can do them), who taught me the wrong things (so I'll know when NOT to do them. Hehehe!) and who taught me nothing (so I got to learn from myself).

14. My Crushes. These are the "butterflies" I chased. From guy I liked when I was seven or this seatmate I had in Grade 4 or this High School hottie who dance so well or just the boy next door, they are whom I call my "kiddie crushes". Or maybe this guy whom I think I already fell in love with for four years but who never knew I existed or this guy who just made fun of my feelings or this someone who never would appreciate me as a female entity, they are whom I call "the heart-breakers". How about Orlando Bloom, Mark Feehily, Sean Biggerstaff, Michael Buble, Eric Bana, Ewan McGregor, Tobey Maguire, etc. etc., they are whom I call "the princes charming" (because they exist in fairy tales). They are the ones who made me realize how it felt to have shivers down my spine, how it felt to swoon and daydream and be inspired to write poems and songs, and how it felt to get hurt and fall and stand up again.

15. Nature. I may not always be at one with them but I'm glad they are always a part of my everyday existence, like the smell of the sea by the Bay Area, or the chirping of the birds just outside my window or the colors of my mother's plants and flowers at home or just the feeding my pet turtle.

16. Technology. I cannot imagine my life now without the internet, cable TV, cellphone, telephone, electricity, running water, man-made transportation, airconditioners, electric fans, clocks, etc. etc., can you?

one to eight

Lazy Wednesday again. Another day. Same routine. As Stephen King wrote in "Dreamcatcher", Same shit. Different day. It should be another ordinary day for me, but when I really come to think of it, in three days' time, I'll be turning a year older. Is being 24 different from 23? Or is it just a number of the imaginary candles on an imaginary cake? What do I need to write about that would make this day stand out from other days? I sure am not writing anything about work coz I don't want to ruin the moment. I need to think of 24 things... how about 24 things I wish for on my birthday? Nah. 24 is too small a number. Hahaha!

I know. Here goes:

24 Things I Am Grateful For:

(Things 1-8)

1. My family. That despite my imperfections, they love and will always love me. That despite the sometimes rocky relationships between family members, we are still together.

2. My relatives. Though I do not see them often and though some do not even support me and my endeavors, I know they try their best. Probably their best may not be enough for me, but I'm glad they make an effort. That though some may only remember me when they need something, at least they still remember me (even if at times I just don't want to be remembered).

3. My job. Though I don't think it is my calling and I get so bored and irritated with it at times, at least it places food on our table and helps my sister finish college.

4. My friends. Though most of them I terribly miss and some of them do not even know what is going on in my life now, I believe that when I need them, they will be there for me. They may not be there always, since we all have our own lives and careers that keep us busy, I know they still consider me special.

5. My health. I know how tough it feels not to be in a healthy condition. I also know how expensive it is to get sick. I am thankful that despite my "few extra pounds" (Hehehe!), at least I don't need to go to the hospital and suffer.

6. My Lisse. I don't think I will survive this "quarter-life crisis" without him. I am thankful that he never gave up on me, despite all the moodswings and fickle-mindedness and rants...

7. My hobbies. Though I cannot afford a lot of things I want to do or have, I still get to enjoy some things I like-- such as watching movies when I want to, or reading a book I enjoy, or collecting CD's of my fave artist, or surfing the net using my "ancient" PC or just hanging out with my Tolkien pals, or simply window-shopping in the mall.

8. My freedom. (In expressing myself). I am grateful that someone listens when I speak, someone reads the stories I write, someone shares or contradicts my opinions, someone wants to spend time with me, someone is willing to exchange letters/emails with me, someone tries my suggestions, someone gets influenced by me, someone gets emotionally affected by me, someone thinks I'm crazy, someone thinks I'm nice, or someone simply wants to talk to me or be with me.

TO BE CONTINUED...

no apologies

I got this from a friend who posted this in friendster. :)

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across the country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells won't chime.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert. Or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.

19. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out.

20. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

21. Never apologize for changing your mind.

22. Never apologize for exercising your right to choose. It's your body and your right.

23. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

24. Never apologize for being you!

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

the right thing

I have never been away from my family for a long time. The longest, I think was about a week, when I was forced to stay in a "foster home" in a province (Rodriguez formerly known as Montalban, Rizal) for a week during my PT internship and I only got to go home during the weekends.

I am a family person. Not just because my zodiac sign describes me as a "homebody" and not just because I am a Filipino with a culture of close family ties, but I was also raised as someone who values family more than anything else in the world, except God.

After I graduated from college, due to some unfortunate events, my mother lost her job in this Taiwanese-owned company when the owner decided to withdraw his business from our country. Then a few months after that, my father was forced to retire due to his age. As the eldest in my family, I was forced to look for a job after being a professional bum for a year. I was forced to earn money for all our sakes. At that time, my brother was in college and my sister was barely finishing high school. Thus, I ended up working in a job I don't particulary like. But as long as that places food on our family table, that was fine.

As of the moment, my brother finished school and my sister is in college. That outcome came from a lot of sacrifices and of course, a lot of financial debts. My brother is now trying to pursue a career, his dream, to be a professional musician and hopefully, he is soon going to reach that dream when his band finally leaves for Japan. As of now, he is also a bum and is the constant companions of my aging parents at home.

As those sole money provider in the family, I could not help but be bitter as I am forced to work everyday of my life with no direction in life whatsoever. The money I earn is not even enough for our everyday needs. We are what the Filipinos call "isang kahig, isang tuka". Sometimes I blame my parents for this. Most of the time I blame myself.

Like two days ago, my mother and I had this really petty fight. It was so stupid I don't want to place here the details because I know it would just make you laugh for the shallowness of it. We are ok now, but I realized that my parents do grow old and they do need attention. You see, I believe that as we grow older and not a lot of things keep us busy, we strive for attention especially from our loved-ones. We become childish. I did not blame her then. It was partly my fault. But the thing that made me confused is how could I take care of aging parents, with my siblings who are still making their way in this world and with myself, who is also lost in this journey called life? I don't want to bear all the responsibilities, but then if I don't do it, who will? Then my selfish side would also complain why I can't do the things I wanna do, why I can't pursue my own dreams, why I can't just think of myself first...

Yesterday, I watched "Spiderman 2". It was actually better than the first one. This movie had more emotions. I was touched with a lot of scenes but this particular one is my fave-- when Peter Parker was talking to his late uncle and he was choosing between being himself, pursuing his own dreams and being Spiderman, a hero everyone depended. His uncle told him that something like... in order to do the right thing, we have to sacrifice the things we want... we have to sacrifice our dreams.

I am not sure if I agree with this. But that is what I am doing right now. And I hope I am doing the right thing.

Welcome, July!

I just got home from work, then I realized it's already July--- the (lucky?) 7th month of the year and one of my fave months. The year is more than halfway through. A few days from now, I'll be greeting myself a "Happy New Year". Geez, I am old, actually getting older by the minute. Did I mature though? I want to think I did. Did I waste almost 24 years of my life? I hope I did not. Did I make my mark in this world? I hope I did. If not, I hope I will. There are still years in front of me. But the question is, will I still be here to witness those years go by?

Oh and another thing, why wasn't I born on a payday? :D