the right thing

I have never been away from my family for a long time. The longest, I think was about a week, when I was forced to stay in a "foster home" in a province (Rodriguez formerly known as Montalban, Rizal) for a week during my PT internship and I only got to go home during the weekends.

I am a family person. Not just because my zodiac sign describes me as a "homebody" and not just because I am a Filipino with a culture of close family ties, but I was also raised as someone who values family more than anything else in the world, except God.

After I graduated from college, due to some unfortunate events, my mother lost her job in this Taiwanese-owned company when the owner decided to withdraw his business from our country. Then a few months after that, my father was forced to retire due to his age. As the eldest in my family, I was forced to look for a job after being a professional bum for a year. I was forced to earn money for all our sakes. At that time, my brother was in college and my sister was barely finishing high school. Thus, I ended up working in a job I don't particulary like. But as long as that places food on our family table, that was fine.

As of the moment, my brother finished school and my sister is in college. That outcome came from a lot of sacrifices and of course, a lot of financial debts. My brother is now trying to pursue a career, his dream, to be a professional musician and hopefully, he is soon going to reach that dream when his band finally leaves for Japan. As of now, he is also a bum and is the constant companions of my aging parents at home.

As those sole money provider in the family, I could not help but be bitter as I am forced to work everyday of my life with no direction in life whatsoever. The money I earn is not even enough for our everyday needs. We are what the Filipinos call "isang kahig, isang tuka". Sometimes I blame my parents for this. Most of the time I blame myself.

Like two days ago, my mother and I had this really petty fight. It was so stupid I don't want to place here the details because I know it would just make you laugh for the shallowness of it. We are ok now, but I realized that my parents do grow old and they do need attention. You see, I believe that as we grow older and not a lot of things keep us busy, we strive for attention especially from our loved-ones. We become childish. I did not blame her then. It was partly my fault. But the thing that made me confused is how could I take care of aging parents, with my siblings who are still making their way in this world and with myself, who is also lost in this journey called life? I don't want to bear all the responsibilities, but then if I don't do it, who will? Then my selfish side would also complain why I can't do the things I wanna do, why I can't pursue my own dreams, why I can't just think of myself first...

Yesterday, I watched "Spiderman 2". It was actually better than the first one. This movie had more emotions. I was touched with a lot of scenes but this particular one is my fave-- when Peter Parker was talking to his late uncle and he was choosing between being himself, pursuing his own dreams and being Spiderman, a hero everyone depended. His uncle told him that something like... in order to do the right thing, we have to sacrifice the things we want... we have to sacrifice our dreams.

I am not sure if I agree with this. But that is what I am doing right now. And I hope I am doing the right thing.