Sunday, December 03, 2017

Putting Out The Fire

They say we're shittiest to the ones we love. I agree. We're more vulnerable around people who we thought would accept us despite our imperfections.

Maybe he thought I wasn't good enough for him and he found a better one to fall in love with. I may be emotional or shitty, but I guess I just loved him.

Now, I still have rage in me like a fire burning, but it's time to close this chapter in my book. I will deal with it like I've dealt with my father's death-- take it a day at a time. I hope that one day, I will recall the good memories, acknowledge it, then let go. No more tears, no more anger nor hatred.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Thanksgiving Thoughts 2017

Photo from Fox Hill Resort

I do not celebrate Thanksgiving, but I would like to use this time and space to show how grateful I am for the following:

  • My life. It may be a rollercoaster right now, but this is all I've got and I have the will to make this work.
  • My family and close relatives. We may not agree all the time but I know they have my back and they love me come what may.
  • My friends. We may not see each other all the time and they may not agree with my decisions in life, but they still like me and respect me.
  • My work. I have an amazing boss and and awesome team. Yes, there are stressful days, but they're worth going through.
  • My life lessons. May it be from heartbreaks, broken promises, disappointments due to unmet expectations, financial hardships or physical illnesses. I will stand up every time I fall. I will stand up stronger and wiser.
  • The little blessings. May it be good weather or a great book or alone time or a delicious cup of coffee or tea. I have to remind myself that every day is a blessing.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Solo Trip

It was exactly a year ago when I experienced my first ever long-distance, solo, out-of-town trip. I wanted to go to a place where I thought I would get to know more the culture in Northern Luzon, particularly in the Ilocos region. Before that trip, the farthest I've been to up north is Baguio. I have to say, that trip was a total eye-opener for me. I shared a room and dined with strangers. We made each other's presence a part of our memories.

I have to admit that one major reason why I took that Vigan-Laoag-Pagudpud 3-day trip was because I wanted to get to know a certain person more. At that point in my life, he was someone special and I think if I am going to be a part of his future, I better learn a thing or two about his roots.

What a change a year can bring! Today, this person is no longer a part of my life because he chose a different path and he was never quite honest about it. I am still in the stage where I am confused, sad, uncertain and angry about what he did to me, but I am taking this anniversary of my trip to be another sign that I should embark on another SOLO trip. This time, I will embark on this journey for only myself.

So, here I am, a bit lonely but still feeling hopeful, on the edge of another year. I hope I will look back to this blog entry next year and smile because I know I will be better. I know that everything will be better.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Moving On: Day 19

Funny that I asked for a sign to help me make the right decisions and I got a barrage of signs that I am about to drown in them.

It is true that some people are not what they seem. It is always a risk to fall in love. You don't know what kind of fall you're having. Me? I got destroyed. All my dreams, hopes and beliefs in love got utterly destroyed.

Now, I will give the reins to karma. Today is the day when I can truly say that I don't want him in my life anymore. No more looking back. I will just retain all the lessons I've learned from this experience.

My world is currently topsy turvy. I lost my grip, my mind is whirring and my heart is full of anger. I will need some time to regain focus. I will need some time to be calm. Maybe then, I can cry all the heaviness in my heart.

I'll be okay. Soon.

Thursday, November 09, 2017

Moving On: Day 18

I couldn't stop the thoughts from running through my head.

I am more angry than sad. I still look for reasons why he did this to me. Maybe I am having difficulty accepting the fact that I placed my love and trust on someone who has different values than I have. I kept thinking what I've done wrong and I also keep reminding myself that I did my best and that I am enough.

It's not me, it's him. Damn right, it's him!

This time, he did not choose me. I will be okay with that. He hurt me too much to make room for him in my life. He will be a part of my past.