Thursday, July 31, 2003

Made some booboos at work today. But that's okay since tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!!

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Can't wait for Friday.
Today, I am happy.

I had "lunch" (at dawn) alone in a 24-hour convenience store about 4 blocks from the office. I've been doing that for a week now. I appreciate the soothing music they have there. As I was walking along the dark parking lot, I realized that these past few days, I am happy.

Despite the pending "doom" that awaits me when my mother confronts me why I have been keeping my romantic relationship secret from her, I am still happy. I'm quite scared of the thought but at least I am in a good mood these past few days.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003


I had a great weekend. It was generally restful except for this morning when I only had 2 hours of sleep before going to work. But that's okay. I had quality and quantity time with my sis.

The country had quite a scare yesterday though since there were rogue soldiers who threatened an area in Makati (where I am working particularly in Oakwood/Glorietta 4) with bombs and ammunitions. It was quite dramatic and I sure was glad I didn't have work that day. The company was offering OT pay plus P100 per hour incentive since we were understaffed yesterday but nah... I'd rather stay at home where I'm safe. Weird since today I was in Greenbelt (one of the malls near G4) and it felt like nothing happened. But I am glad it was over.

Sometimes I feel at home with the company but I there are times when I feel so out of place when I'm at work. It felt like no one can relate to me.

Friday draws near... I can't wait...

I think my mother knows. I can't deny that of course, as a mother, she will notice that sooner or later. I dunno what to say when she confronts me. The truth, I guess. Oh, only a part of the truth (that wont hurt her much). Hahaha! But honestly, I am also anxious about what she is going to tell me. *shudders*

Friday, July 25, 2003

My life is such a mess. I think I need something or Someone to focus on.


It's the weekend again. Some changes are happening at work. I can't wait for next weekend. I can't wait. I can't wait...


I hate this day at work today. Two calls since I started. Each call lasted roughly an hour. What IS happening?! I'll make up and see to it that the day ends better than this.

Silver Lining: I passed my TSE (Test for Spoken English). 50 is my rating (above average. 60 is the perfect score.). Cool huh?

Everything's changing when I turn around
I'm out of my control
I'm a mobile
Everything's changing out of what I know
Everywhere I go
I'm a mobile

~Avril Lavigne, "Mobile"

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Sweet Dreams

Been having bad dreams again lately. I dunno if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I think it should try harder since I still don't get the meaning of all these dark and weird dreams I get during my day sleep.

A week more. I can't wait.

Sweet dreams are made of these.
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas.
Everybody's looking for something.
Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to get used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you.
Some of them want to be abused.

~Marilyn Manson, "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These"

Wednesday, July 23, 2003


I woke up disoriented earlier. My sister's mobile alarmed beside me and since the weather is bad lately, I didn't know what exact time of the day it was. I was dreaming then and I can remember the setting was at night time. Then I suddenly woke up and thought it was already evening. For 30 seconds I don't know whether I should scream coz I overslept and I missed work or what. Then after that I calmed down when I heard my cousin's shrill baby voice. It was just 5 in the afternoon, not 5 in the morning. Sheesh!

He has some issues and is worried that I am mad at him. Actually, I'm not. Or am I?

Pagmasdan ang ulan
unti-unting pumapatak
sa mga halama't bulaklak
Pagmasdan ang dilim
unti-unting bumabalot
sa buong paligid tuwing umuulan

~Eraserheads, "Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka"

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Lamentations (Or something like that)

I never thought I'd feel this bitter towards life. I miss my old self-- ambitious, hopeful, perfectionist, happy and contented. I miss my old life-- no worries except for major exams and subjects to pass.

I never thought I'll give up, but I think I am.

Lau: Thank you for the call. Thank you for still thinking of me. I shouldn't have bombarded you with my problems. I'm sorry. It was a waste of talk time. But thank you, still.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Of Vices and Fights

Woke up earlier because my aunt and uncle were fighting. I was the only witness to that shallow fight and I hated it. Why? Because my parents never got physical with their fights. But my uncle threw something at my aunt and I consider that as violence. I think he was a coward because he cannot defend his side of the argument that's why he resorted to violence. Now I'm having second thoughts on getting married. Hahahaha!


Another lesson learned today is that it's not bad to have vices as long as you are willing to accept the consequences of those vices. If it's smoking then you should accept the fact that smoking does destroy your lungs and may shorten your life. Not to mention may cost much when lung diseases take their toll in the future. You should also accept the fact that when you smoke around people, you slowly kill them as well and you have the guts to swallow your guilt.

Then there's gambling. Be sure you are either a millionaire and can burn as much money as you want or that you are willing to accept that you can be hooked to it. Since gambling is a risk, doing it may make you lose much money that may destroy your life and your mind. Or you should be responsible enough in case it makes you filthy rich.

Never ever ask someone to pay for your vices. I mean, that someone may get something out of it, but what if that person gets nothing and just loses something? It's so desperate... Just make sure that if you get someone to pay for your vices, he/she is willing, capable, has the means, agrees to do it and morally (and psychologically?) speaking, thinks it's okay to do it.

And never ever remind that person that he/she has her own vices. Remember, he/she is paying for his/hers.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

What Shapes Your Personality?
Understanding Yourself Through Pictures and Colors

Your personality is shaped by your Organized nature.
***You can say that again...***

Your organization makes it easy for you to create structure in your life and come to decisions in a systematic way. You probably tend to stick with a decision once you have made it and enjoy knowing that things are under control. If things are open-ended in the extreme, you are likely to feel uncomfortable because you generally gravitate toward structure and order.

But that's just the beginning of what this projective personality test can tell you. The pictures you saw in the test are ambiguous — they don't inherently represent anything on their own. But they elicited responses from you nonetheless.

Your impressions of what the images mean, or the characteristics they possess, is one of the most reliable ways to determine aspects of your personality.
Balangiga 1901

I watched Balangiga Rocks! Concert with my friend. I am at work right now and I have an 8-hour shift ahead of me but that's okay.

I was glad I went to the concert. It's a different kind of feel since it was a concert for a cause. It's like a cultural commemoration of what transpired in 1901 in Philippine history. There are a lot of Filipino artists, some are even Fil-Am who came from the States (San Francisco).

The stage was cool. The lights and special effects were awesome. I mean, I have seen smoke on stage but this time, there was fire in front of the singers. As in wild flames dancing with the music. I think a lot of people watching were from my school also (State U: Peyups). What's nice about it was most of the songs were modern in tune but they were using native instruments such as the banduria and kulintang (Sir Esguerra!!! I just remembered my eccentric college professor). There were bands that I never heard of before but performed well: Mahal and Friends, Bobby Banduria Band, Campo Xanto, The Jerks... but there were knowns artists too such as Joey Ayala, Cynthia Alexander, Radioactive Sago Project, Pan (former Yano), Color It Red (my friend drooled over Cookie Chua. Hahahaha!), Fatal Posporos and of course, our fave, Noel Cabangon.

Noel sang only a few songs even if the audience was asking for more. He never failed to give me goosebumps whenever I hear his voice. Last time I saw him perform was in 70's Bistro with 2 bottles of SanMig Light in front of me.

Thanks Joy!

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Half the day is done and I already have 43 calls! My average a day is about 40-50 and that's during my entire shift. I am sooooo tired.
Things to do this weekend: (Choices! Choices!)

1. Do OT for work tomorrow. I badly need the money.
2. Go with a friend tomorrow night for a concert. She pays for the tickets. I badly need a break.
3. Spend some time with him tomorrow. He's leaving for the province again next week.

I can only choose one. Darn.


1. Do the OT and spend time with him on Sunday instead after work and before going home. But then I'll miss the concert.
2. Do OT on Sunday instead of Saturday, so I can watch the concert. But I cannot meet him before he leaves for the province and I wont have a rest day before my week starts again.

Or the best option: (why didn't I think about this earlier?)
Go to the concert then do OT after that then meet him after work! Woohoo! Way to go! Hope the concert will finish by 10 so I can start my OT by 11.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

His past haunts him again and I am affected. I don't like it.
Thank you for this quiz.

What rating is your journal?

brought to you by Quizilla

Strongly Cautioned.
Some material in your journal may be inappropriate to younger or close-minded people. This signifies that your journal is probobly inappropriate for pre-teens. people should be especially careful about adding you because they could possibly be offended. Rough or persistent violent talk is absent; sexually-oriented nudity is generally absent; some talk of drug use may be present from time to time in your journal; You may find a fair amount of sex talk here.

Hahaha! You gotta be sh*tting me...

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

I only slept for less than 4 hours. I am sleepy right now and as expected, I was late at work. But that's okay. The day was worth it. Too bad I had to shorten it because my eyes were tired. Wish I could prolong it though. But we'll get the chance some other time.

Made plans for the next few weeks that I hope won't go down the drain.

God, this F4 closing theme is running through my head! Aaaargh! Blame my sis for that.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

If not for the glaring lights of the city tonight, I would have appreciated the light emanating from the full moon.

Tomorrow, we'll see if he'll be true to his word.
13 July 2003

I thought I'll have a great weekend. As planned we watched a movie and ate lunch together to celebrate our fourth month. Too bad he had to go home right after we ate since his relatives were coming over to his place. I was upset. (I know, I know. Selfish me.) We ended up not in good terms. I was just asking for a few minutes with him and he couldn't spare it. So, instead of going back home, I told him to go home and I stayed for an hour more alone in the mall. I needed that time for myself. I've given him all I have. All I ask for is his company and his time. Somehow he couldn't even give that to me.

I made it sure he knows what I felt. I am not breaking up with him. I am not ready yet. But this sure gives me more doubts in my mind. He promised he'll make it up to me. We'll see.

Then I got a message from my previous crush (yeah, my classmate during review). He just gave me an update of his life. Like me, he has an office job and he was asking for my opinion if it was ok not to practice our profession. Told him we are not giving it up. We're just waiting for the right opportunity. It's hard coz we are made to choose another option but told him I'm glad I have a job that pays. I'd still want to be a PT though. Then he apologized for not greeting me during my birthday. He said he was busy with his training right now. But he'll treat me out when he gets his first pay. (Yaiks!) Told him no need to do it. He said he has to return the book he borrowed from me. So I said okay.


"And there's no cure, no way to be sure
Where everything's turned inside out
But still in so much doubt
It makes me so tired I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart..."

~Bic Runga, "Sway"

Saturday, July 12, 2003

I had a talk with a friend earlier, someone I haven't seen for more than a year now. He updated me with his life. I'm glad to know he is with a new girl now and that girl is one of our friends too. They're having trouble with the distance also and I can relate to that.

But that guy is really sweet and I can't help but compare what he's doing to his gf to what he is doing to me. Then my friend also gave me second thoughts... weird since those are the same thoughts another friend told me. Oh well. I think they are just concerned and I think I know what I'm going through.

I just hope he is sincere. I hate myself for having doubts.

Friday, July 11, 2003

Four months and counting!!!
My Day

Nothing much happened today. Got home and was greeted by my parents. Went directly to bed and slipped off my pants and socks, then went to sleep. What a way to start my birthday huh? I never felt so tired. I guess my visit to him yesterday took it's toll and my eyes were heavy after work.

Woke up after 4 hours of sleep. The house was quiet except for the sound from the tv. Most people at home were asleep in the afternoon. I ate the food prepared by my mom. We took the recipe from a cooking show and she promised she would cook me that and she did. She also made me a ref cake with mangoes (my fave fruit). I had a lot of messages on my phone from friends and relatives. I just realize then that a lot of people care for me and I was happy.

Finished the book I was reading and darn, Nicholas Sparks made me cry again. Then I decided to write him a letter (inspired by the book). I'll give it to him this Saturday and I can't wait to see his reaction.

Slept for two more hours. Arrived 10 minutes late for work.

NOTE to self: Publish letter in Basketcase.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

I brought my burger and went down to the almost empty parking area. It was dark and I can hear a faint music coming from one of the car radios. A few smoking people were scattered. Such is the scene one can encounter at this time of the night in the call-center areas. The ground was wet and the air was cool. It just rained.

I have existed for 23 years now and I'm wondering what the coming years will bring to my life.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Today, he gave me one of the sweetest gifts money can't buy. *sigh*

By the way, I gave him the letter I wrote for him a few days ago. I just learned he's been reading it every night before he goes to sleep.
One more day... Argh!
B-O-R-I-N-G... So, here goes...

You represent... naivete.
You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

He's doing okay now. Might pay him a short visit tomorrow. Quite bored at work.

Two more days.

Monday, July 07, 2003

I had a relaxing and enjoyable weekend.

New schedule at work. Start at 10PM and end at 7AM. Still Sat-Sun rest days. I'm glad.

Today was quite a scare though. He had an allergy attack so severe he had to be taken to a clinic due to constricted windpipe. I was really anxious while waiting for his response to the meds. He is quite ok now. I guess he needs some rest since I called him a while ago in he was a bit incoherent. I am worried. I'll give him a call again tomorrow.

Three days left.

Friday, July 04, 2003

I don't think they require us to do OT tomorrow. That's ok. I have more interesting things to do.

By the way, he's back.
*Got this from a friend.

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple... find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

Thursday, July 03, 2003

My Ma sold her mobile.

Walked only halfway earlier. I was tired.

I am tired. But the world won't stop revolving for me.

He called me about midnight a while ago. He told me he had a dream about us and it was a beautiful one. I noticed his dreams of me always reflect myself as an older woman. I wonder why. Maybe he wants me to grow old quicker. I told him I'll be a year older after a few days and he laughed. At least one of us is not having nightmares.
What Flavor Fits You?

Sunny Orange

Your sunny disposition and happy-go-lucky attitude are the kinds of traits everyone loves to have around. Our bet is you're known as the chief supporter in your clan. If there's a bash to throw, you're likely the first one on the horn. If there's a crisis at hand, you can usually be counted on to rally the troops. Easy to talk to and fun to be around, you have a gift for blending perfectly no matter what the situation.

This positive energy extends beyond good times into every other aspect of your life. Whatever your career path or goals, your natural ability to win people over and communicate ideas with enthusiasm are two key secrets to your success. The same glass-half-full attitude that makes you a fab friend will work its magic in the workplace. And in the world of business, those kinds of good vibes are always refreshing.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Today, something happened to my uncle that made me learn something... Whatever you do, the past always gets to you. You cannot avoid it or ignore it. It will always affect your present and your future.

Walk went ok. I plan to go OT this Saturday, then attend mass with him. He knows I'm having nightmares lately and offered to accompany me to attend mass this Sunday. He's coming back on Friday. I'm glad.
Love Has Two Faces

Of all the people I know, only YOU can make me feel two opposite things at the same time. Sometimes I don't want to be too open to you. I don't want to keep in touch to tell you everything that's on my mind. I want to give you space where you can breathe, where you can go on with your life, where you can be who you are. I don't want to transform you to someone you are not... cause I love you the way you are.

But sometimes, I feel like I want to pour myself to you. I want to tell you my thoughts, feelings, opinions. I want to be open and honest with you. I want to tell you what I want and what I don't want, what I like and what I don't like. I want you to know that someone in this planet remembers you and thinks of you.

Only you can make me cry because you've hurt my feelings in ways I can never imagine, but also make me cry whenever I realize how special you make me feel and how lucky I am that somehow, of all the people in the world, we found each other.

You make me hate you when you do things I do not approve of-- may it be smoking when I'm around, drinking with buddies, maintaining friendships with past girlfriends... Although I appreciate the honesty in your part and you are sincere, somehow, sensitive me always end up getting hurt and feeling sad.

You make me love you more with that child-like innocence that I can glimpse from your personality, even if I know you have been through a lot in your life. I love it when you ask me questions thinking I'm the only person who can answer it and I don't disappoint you if you realize I don't know everything in this life.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering why, of all the women out there, you loved me... and why of all the men out there, I fell in love with you in return.

I hate you but I love you
I cant stop thinking of you
It's true, I'm stuck on you
~Stacey Orrico, "Stuck"

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

"Youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief." ~Nicholas Sparks, "The Rescue"

He is definitely coming back on Friday. Miss him.

Went to work and the first face I saw in the elevator was that of my crush's. Never thought I will see him again since his shift is in the morning. He is still goodlooking. Never fails to make me...

Sir Ecs, thanks again.
"You're going to come across people in your life who say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, its always their actions you should judge them by." ~Nicholas Sparks, "The Rescue"