Wednesday, April 30, 2003

I'm most at home... the bedroom

Your "me" time is sacred. And who can blame you? With all the different directions we're pulled in each day, we could all use a little time by ourselves to refuel the old battery. That's why the bedroom is a great haven for you. Surrounded by the things that comfort you most — whether down pillows, soft blankets, or your favorite knickknacks. The boudoir is a place you can take time to relax, think, and just be you.

It's where you can tuck yourself into your favorite chair and write in your journal or climb into bed, pull the covers up, and take an undisturbed catnap. Even as kids, our bedrooms were places that were definitively ours, and that's never changed. A heavenly mixture of coziness and solitude, you'll find no better sanctuary than your very own bedroom.

But when I need privacy and when I cry, I go to the bathroom.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Duncan Sheik

I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments
when everything is so clear

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear
It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

I keep trying to understand
this thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
when i figure it out

but I don't mind a few mysteries
they can stay that way it's fine by me
and you are another mystery i am missing
It takes so much out of me to pretend

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

Lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

Due to financial problems, my parents decided to sell some of our stuff that we don't need much. Like one of the washing machines and TV. That's okay with me since I know we really needed the money. I was also planning to sell one of our two TV's to him. He'll get a discount from me, of course. At least, I also know our TV is in good hands. Hehehe! I'll get to watch it whenever I go to his house too! Yehey!

Another plan is to sell our home PC. I was devastated. Glad I have access to the internet at work though. I would miss chatting with friends from far places and those I barely see. I would also lose saved files (LOTR, HP, WL, etc.). Imagine! d'Arvit!

Since we're starting to sell stuff, why can't I sell myself right? I browsed throu a friend's blog and found a link. Now I can price myself and see if anyone would want to buy me if he/she can afford me. I just filled out the form and placed there info about myself. I was priced US$1,728,072!!! Next step is to look for someone to buy me. Hahahaha!

Monday, April 28, 2003

I saw fireworks from the freeway and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
Cause you were born on the fourth of July, freedom ring
now something on the surface it stings
that something on the surface it kind of makes me nervous
who says that you deserve this and what kind of god would serve this?
We will cure this dirty old disease, if you've got the poison I've got the remedy...

Saturday was spent at home. Slept the whole day and watched VCDs the whole night.

Sunday morning was spent at home too, trying to observe myself and playing with my 2-year old cousin. Lesser pains to none at all. Drank all the water, tea and coconut water I can get my hands on. Plus of course, the medications prescribed to me. I am a good patient, because I know how hard it is to handle "difficult" patients. The rest of the day was spent with someone dear to me. That made me feel a whole lot better. An unforgettable night, as always. [insert "If You're Not The One" background music]. Hahaha! Cheesy me!

Still wishing for some moisture. It rained for while, but that did not dissipate the heat. This morning, I woke up earlier than usual. The sun's rays were gentle then. I had a great night before and I started wishing I could play tennis. I suddenly had an urge to hit some balls with a racket. Hahaha! I still long for a night swim though.

Three-day medication trial is over. Tomorrow I'll be visiting the doctor again and everything shall be revealed. [insert evil laugh] Can't wait for this Saturday.

...the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end.
I wont worry my life away.
I wont worry my life away.

~Jason Mraz, "The Remedy"

Friday, April 25, 2003

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby

~Matchbox20, "Disease"

I have it! Just like I suspected. That's one of the downsides of being in healthcare, I get paranoid comparing stuff I read in the medical books to myself and to people I know. So, when I got the first signs and symptoms, I knew I have it. Then it was confirmed today. Despite the free consultation and test due to my health card, the medications were never part of my budget. But I have to since I cannot bear the pain anymore. Darn! These antibiotics are so expensive! Goodbye swimming! Goodbye summer! I have a three-day trial period with these antibiotics. If my tests are ok after 3 days on meds, I will just continue them and hopefully I will live to see my wedding day!

Anyways, I had a fever this morning signifying that I am really infected but since it is a warm day, I just sweat everything out and now I'm fine so I'm here at work taking my first call, which until now has not been resolved and it has been two hours. Talk about lucky huh!

I got home earlier with my mama's nagging about my being un-hygienic. Ok fine, she was telling me that and I AM A NEAT FREAK. Hahahaha! Then she started comparing me to herself and what she does that's why she never got the disease yada-yada. I mean, I am not my mother. Well, lucky her if she is one of the 4 out of 5 women who never had it in their lives. That's sad. I mean, I had a fever that time and I cried myself to sleep because of my mom and now I am on a two-hour long call solving other people's problems. Ain't life grand?

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

~Sixpence None The Richer, "Don't Dream It's Over"
Ruined Plans?

I have been saving up for the past few weeks since I plan to have an overnight stay in a resort. I would love to go night swimming and I told myself I'm going to save up for a weekend's stay in May. I am excited, although I don't have any specific place in mind yet. Sometimes, plans push through when I am being spontaneous. But for the past couple of days, I feel that I am sick. I am going to the doctor after my shift to have my check-up since I am getting signs and symptoms of a certain infection. It's painful and it bothers me. Now I'm worried I would not have enough money now for that overnight stay. I guess I would have to live with that if I have to pay for my medications (plus my father's meds). No more summer vacation for me.

This night was something. I can't wait for my rest days. I think this week is one tough week for all of us. I am about to end my shift and I feel so tired and harrassed. I have to go to the hospital now...

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Youre the baby of the drugs,
and thats okay,
because Im sure,
I could do you all day.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

by Avril Lavigne

I wake up in the morning
Put on my face
The one that's gonna get me
Through another day
Doesn't really matter
How I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes
But then you came around me
The walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me
And keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected
See how I've opened up
Oh, you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm tyring to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself and let the
Covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit
In my spirit
I never felt like this before
I'm naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I can't hide
I'm naked
Around you
And it feels so right
I'm naked
Oh oh yeah
Does it show?
Yeah, I'm naked
Oh oh, yeah yeah
I'm so naked around you
And I can't hide
You're gonna see right through, baby
***for you

Monday, April 21, 2003

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

***Cheated?! Damn... But hey, when I'm good, I'm good... BUT when I'm bad, I'm really bad!!!

You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Life Less Ordinary

It's been a long weekend for most people. It was a short weekend for me. Wish I could have prolonged the days. Prolonging it would make me endure more. Don't have a choice, really. It's different in the real world, where "adults" get to think before they act. And sometimes, they just say they don't have a choice when in fact, they do. But the alternative choices are not accepted by the society. So, better not do a thing you will regret in the future, right? So, I'm here. Stuck in a situation where I don't have much of a choice. I just have to learn to accept what life has to offer me.

These past few days I've learned not to expect anything from anybody-- not to expect anything from life in general. Just live in the present. Actually, I don't care anymore. That's it.

I'm nearly finished with the book I'm currently reading, "How to Kill a Mockingbird" by Harper Lee. One of the ways I detach myself from this world. Love it. Love the thought of being an innocent and truthful child once again. How it feels like to be in their shoes and how they view the world.

Oh, and thank you for spending a wonderful Saturday with me. It's one hot summer and I long for a night swim nowadays. Dream on...

Saturday, April 19, 2003

You are a child's kiss. Completely sweet and
innocent and pure. You mean no harm and only
love in your sweet kisses.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Holy Week

Spending it at work really. No other option except for my weekdays rest days, I have to work when other people are enjoying the long weekend. That's okay, double pay.

But I sure wish I were somewhere else--- probably by the pool or the beach under the stars. I've always wanted to be by the beach at night time, where it is quiet except for the splashing of the waves by the shore and the view of the vast sky studded with an infinite number of stars. *sigh*


Since I started having my weekends off, I have several options on how to spend them. Some of them I really want to do, some are just last-minute options when plans don't push through. I want to have a break--- like an overnight in a resort. But since desperately want it and am scared that it might not push through, I'm keeping an open mind with other choices--- such as go to a Saturday-night gimmick with friends or meet up with some guy friend or something like that. I miss those days.
His Past

Life is ironic. Like when you ask for it to bring you something, it doesn't give you the exact package that you want. Maybe it just wanted to teach you something that you should learn the hard way.

For example, after living a "loveless" existence, all I wanted is to meet someone who will love me with all his heart. Then I meet someone who shows me, tells me and makes me feel that he does, but it just so happens that because of his past, he cannot give his entire heart to me. Like I mentioned before, I can be selfish at times and again, this is one of those times. If I love him without any conditions, I would learn to accept him including his past. But what if his past would consist of having someone to share the love that he has to give?

I would be a hypocrite if I say it does not affect me. It does, sensitive person that I am. But then I cannot do anything about it. Without that past, he's not the person I know now. I don't want him to choose. Maybe because I know that if I made him choose between his past and me, he will NOT choose me. His past will always be a part of his present and his future whatever happens... even if I am already a part of his present.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

~Daniel Bedingfield, "If You're Not the One"
Thank you!

You are Clio, the Muse of History.

Clio, the Muse of History, looking smug.

Find out which is your Muse. - brought to you by Amanda.
Geek assistance by Locke.

Majestic Clio touched her silver wire,
And through time's lengthened vista moved a train,
In dignity sublime; the patriot's fire
Kindled its torch in heaven's resplendent ray,
And 'mid contention rose to Heaven again.
~Percival's An Ode To Music

You are red!
As a person, you are completely passionate and
perhaps romantic. You are caring, considerate
and always think of others before yourself.
As a pen colour, red is considered rude to write
with, but colour brings the page to life.. so
go ahead and write in red!

What colour pen are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Green Panties
Green Panties, You love to flirt, and you're a

What kind of panties do you have? (with pictures ^.^)
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Secret Lives

I think watching "Bridget Jones's Diary" in Star Movies made me decide to write this down. But every thought was collected from the bits and pieces of memories and experiences this day gave me.

There's more to a person than what meets the eye. Most people, if not all, lead "secret lives". That's what I call the part of a person's life that is not open to everyone, not even family, relatives and close friends. I think we all have something to keep and/or to hide. It maybe anything in someone's life that is kept away from the knowledge, the prying eyes, and the opinions/criticisms of others.

That is why when this "secret world" is shared and slowly revealed to another person, that person is considered special. Much more special when both persons started sharing "secret lives". There is trust, hope and love. Three of the things that are difficult to give, take and keep.

I have always been attached to the past. It's my nature to reminisce and long for the days gone by. But I am also the type of person who looks forward and wants to plan the future. I'd rather die than not be ready for it. Then lately, I realize I'm missing most of what's happening in my life by neglecting the present. Life is not the destination, it's the journey. As of now, I am just taking things one day at a time. Then somehow, appreciate small blessings that come my way. I am happy today... knowing that I love and am being loved-- by my family, my friends (although I don't see them as often as I want to) and my special someone.

the remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end
I wont worry my life away...

~Jason Mraz,"The Remedy (I Won't Worry)"

Friday, April 11, 2003

Today. Happy moments creating happy memories. Thank you.
First day of exchange training. So far, scary but ok. Just one more day and I'm going to get exchange calls starting Monday.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Problems! Argh!

Major problems at work. More major problems at home. What else has life in store for me? More problems?

Stress on the job might have you feeling somewhat under the weather today. You might feel a little bloated and toxic, so drinking a lot of liquids would be a good idea. Moderate amounts of both exercise and rest are also indicated. And don't eat any spicy foods! This is a good day to catch up on reading, studying, or engaging in some research. Your physical self may not be what it should, but your brain is especially sharp!
An unexpected financial setback could initially have you reeling. Perhaps a sudden emergency such as a toothache or car breakdown requires a substantial expenditure that you weren't counting on. You can probably find a way to deal with the crisis, however. You may have resources you can draw upon that you aren't aware of at the moment. Go over all your financial records and you could be pleasantly surprised. Hang in there!

Hanging in here like a robot actually. Now, I don't care about the consequences of my actions. I just get up and do my daily routine. I'm at work not giving my best because I really don't care. I've given my best but it seems like I'm undergoing a test of some sort. My patience is wearing thin and I think I can snap anytime now. And the timing! Whew! Can't this just come in another date and time? Not now when I'm currently having problems at home too. But then like I mentioned before, fate has a funny way of pulling cruel tricks on me.

What's weird is that as of now, I just don't care anymore if I drop dead. Before, I was scared of dying without reaching for my dreams. Now, I don't care. Everything is fuzzy. The future is bleak. Before, I can tell you exactly where I am and what I'm doing five years from now. As of the moment, ask me that question and I won't have an answer... and I don't care if I don't have an answer.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Rest Day?!

Twenty-six hours straight without sleep. That's what I did yesterday to maximize my rest day since as of now, I am already at work. My body is coping and I am really in a foul mood since I am used to staying at home on Tuesdays.

I spent the whole day awake yesterday. The whole morning was spent with my family, sang songs with my sister and cousin hoping that will help me forget the current situation our family is in. I met him in the afternoon, hoping to escape my "reality". Although I would want to spend more time with him and extend our date, I have to go home. I don't know why I was crying on my way home. Probably I was just angry at myself for expecting too many things in life, then getting disappointed always. Or maybe the fact that I am going home again and going back to work the next day saddened me. Or maybe the other fact that my family is encountering a really hard time right now. It just hit me like a cold water splashed all over my body, at that moment, when I was alone traveling from Cavite going home. Sometimes fate plays cruel tricks on me. The vehicle that I was on was even playing my song and that didn't help stopping the tears. No sleep plus washed up tear ducts did not make a pretty sight. I went directly to my room and slept. I was just tired-- emotionally, physically, mentally. They all knew better than to disturb me when I got home. They knew. Although we are not that vocal with each other at home, each of us has an idea what each person is going through.

It was nice of him to notice my moods. I guess one thing I appreciate is that he always is sensitive enough to detect if I'm happy or I'm sad. I mean, I do not know a person as moody as me! He's able to cope with that. Then he would do simple things, like give me advice or just give me a call when we're not together, that would help me somehow. Maybe that's why I like to spend time with him even if we have too few common interests. I mean, the 11-year age gap is something. But when I am with him, I have a protector, an older brother (I've always wanted one) and a lover all at the same time. Sweet!

Talked with a friend earlier. It's been so long since we talked. I miss talking to her about anything and everything under the sun. That call placed a smile on my face. Thanks so much! You take care always and don't worry, we'll get through this. We will.

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears...
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

~Evanescence, "My Immortal"

Sunday, April 06, 2003

Another boring Sunday. So here goes...

My Unconscious Mind
(Got this from Emode Inkblot Test)

Karen Kristie, your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

Righteous Rose
(from Emode Passion Test)

Ever notice that little thorn in your side? Wouldn't surprise us one bit with the way you feel about issues near and dear to your heart. But just because you're dedicated to your causes — from treating friends fairly to helping out those in need — doesn't mean you're reckless. In fact, far from it. That's part of your charm.

You're the type willing to help shape change, whether it be writing your Congressman or simply asking the local video store clerk why they don't shelve a better selection of new releases. If something nabs your attention — be it an unfair grade or a hot new shade of lipstick — you're probably not too shy to stand up and let your opinion be known. After all, nobody ever got anywhere by sitting on their hands and staying quiet.

In short? With your rose shade of passion, you've got "leader" written all over you. You know how to guide a team to victory with a dose of diplomacy thrown in for good measure. So keep it up with your righteous self!

Color of Love
(from Emode Color of Love Test)

Karen Kristie, when you reveal your true colors in love, you're a Contemporary Partner

Your view of romance is decidedly more updated than most people's traditional perspectives. Above all, you appear to value individuality. As a result, you likely feel that there are as many relationship styles as there are pairings of people, since everyone will bring something new to each coupling. This flair for the new also leads you to have more cosmopolitan tastes than many other people do. Indeed your varied pastimes and interests make you the kind of unique, well-rounded individual that others can admire.

The Love Test

Karen Kristie, when you're head over heels, you are an Essential Companion
(from Emode The Love Test)

You respect and value the people in your life, but you also make your romantic relationships a top priority. You are not typically the type to try to impress others with fancy romantic gestures. Nor are you someone who obsesses over your appearance. If that special someone is willing to take you as you are, you will happily do the same for them. And if they're not, chances are you should keep on following your heart to a new love for your life — one that might be right around the corner.

Love does change you. Whether it simply enhances who you already are, or makes you a completely different person, finding someone whose love personality compliments your own makes for the longest, happiest relationships.

The Love Personality Test
(from Emode The Love Personality Test)

Karen Kristie, your love personality type is INTJ

About 2-3% of the U.S. population possesses the combination of traits that make up this personality type.

Being an INTJ means that you can be a real intellectual powerhouse. Chances are that your mind is almost constantly engaged by one fantastic thought or another. Because you're the kind who is highly creative, keeping up with you can be like riding an intellectual roller coaster. But your zest for life usually goes beyond your own big ideas and endeavors. You can take real pleasure in helping others to reach their dreams as well. As a result, INTJs like you can be wonderful coaches to help people attain their goals. You seem to know how to bring out the best in people. In relationships, your type is known for deeply valuing your commitments. Not the kind to be an open book, you're often hesitant to share your feelings with others - especially in the early stages of a relationship. You may take a long time to admit the depth of your feelings for someone. It may also take some coaxing to get you to share personal details about your life.
Impending Doom?

I will be trained for exchange. I just got an email today that I have mastered the primary part of this job and the next step for me will be to exchange tickets.


That is scary. It's a source of pay-out from the company when agents make mistakes. So, that's why I was not trained for email. Although I would love to be an email agent rather than exchange.

One day left then I have Monday off. I'll be goin to work on Tuesday since my schedule will be adjusting this week. I don't think I will just spend my time sleeping the entire day on Monday so I plan not to sleep. I think I have an idea what I'd feel like and what I'd look like if I am awake for 24 consecutive hours. I really don't care since I'll be back to work on Tuesday and I'll be taking my new days off on Saturday and Sunday. From then on I will be having my weekends off.

There are a lot of great movies this week. (The Recruit, The Core, Gangs of New York...) I cannot decide if I watch one or watch them all. Then I will be spending my day off in the moviehouse. Hope I won't fall asleep there. One good thing to have a movie date is that there's another opinion that will help me decide which movie/s to watch. Then I won't end up watching them all. Not to mention someone will be paying for my food. Hehehehe!

Saturday, April 05, 2003

In life and love, there is no room for mistakes, only lessons.

Nature is always lovely, invincible and glad, whatever is done and suffered by her creatures. All scars she heals whether in rocks or water or sky or hearts.


You may fall into a very pessimistic attitude, dear Cancer. Suddenly everything looks bleak and the glass half empty. You may feel like your life is going around in circles and you may be asking yourself what you are doing it all for, anyway. Realize that you can talk yourself out of this mood just as easily as you have talked yourself into it. Although this may not seem to be the case, you must trust that it is in order to see the glass as half full again.

Easier written than done.
SSDD. This sucks.

Same Shit Different Day

Got it from Stephen King's "Dreamcatcher".

One day I'm in cloud nine, the next day I'm down in the dumps. So, what's new?

Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take me away. Right, Eminem?


Thursday, April 03, 2003

To Be Loved

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
~Moulin Rouge

I think that's the best statement I can use to describe what I'm feeling these past few days.

It's the way you love me
It's a feeling like this--
It's centrifugal motion
It's perpetual bliss.
It's that pivotal moment
It's ahhh subliminal
This Kiss, This Kiss (It's Criminal)

~Faith Hill, "This Kiss"
New Sched

Starting next week, I will be going to work at 9:30PM until 6:30AM (that's 7:30AM to 4:30PM CST). Then my days off will be Saturday and Sunday (previously Monday and Tuesday). Hope this will be a better schedule for me.

*cross fingers*

Something happened. See Basketcase