Monday, December 30, 2002


I've always wanted this. I want to do all the things I want without anyone or anything preventing me. As a 22-year old STILL dependent on my parents, I found life tough, especially when I want to do things that they don't approve of.

Yes, I miss student life. I miss being totally dependent. Like when I make a mistake and people blame my parents for it. Instances when I just have to ask money from my parents before going to school and anywhere I'm supposed to go. But then it feels weird when I'm taking more responsibilities (especially financially speaking), but then I am still under their scrutiny. That means, I still have to tell them where I'm going, what time I'm coming home, who I'm with, what I'm doing, etc. Like when I wanted to start my own business. I decided that for myself because I have a dream. All I'm asking is just a bit of understanding and support from them. Isn't it ironic that they ARE the reasons why I'm getting into the business, but then they don't even care?

That's why I've been wanting to have a place and a life of my own. I am not isolating myself from my family. They're the reasons why I want to achieve something. But how can I achieve anything when I feel like I am bound by chains? It's nice to know that I will always have a home to go to or a place to stay or people to love me whoever I may be. But then sometimes, being in a coccoon is suffocating. I need to get out of it and fly-- explore the world on my own.

It's not that I do not appreciate them. But sometimes I wonder if they do appreciate me. I just wanted to leave a MARK in the world and I can't do it with all the baggage I'm handling.

I know life is just about finding the right timing. Waiting for the right opportunity. Besides, "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

I just hope this new year will somehow bring better tidings. *cross fingers*

"Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed.
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please..."

~Avril Lavigne, "Anything But Ordinary"
Nothing to write about. I am bored to death. Aaaargh!

So I tried out some quizzes. Thank you!

Are you as obsessed with Lord of the Ring as me?

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Obsessed isn't strong enough to describe us, we eat sleep drink LIVE and love Lord of the Rings... You worship the ground the fellowship tread upon and you would sell your soul to be at the premiere for the third film! WE ROCK!!!!!! I am proud to call you a Lord of the rings fan... you know everything there is to know... or almost... and your friends, like mine, just wanna gag you, but even then you'd just write fan fiction! The only people who hang around you now are those just as obsessed with it as you... I have just one question... Viggo, Orlando, Elijah or sum1 else? (Or Liv tyler or Cate Blanchett?)

Orlando. I'd prefer him. Hehehe!

Lord of the Rings: Which Ringbearer are you?

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I am...

I'm Orlando Bloom!

Which Fellowship Actor are YOU?

Which Lord of the Rings Elf Are You?

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I think I am being biased... Hehehe!

What kind of Lord of the Rings fan are you?

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You are a Normal Fan. Other people may think you crazy, but hey, they are lesser beings. (those filthy orcs-loving, tree-chopping...)

What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?

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Prissy Legolas. Effeminate?!!! Woah! Ahem... ahem... IS THAT TRUE?! No friggin' way! Hehehe! Ok, ok... I think there's a hint of truth in there...

Sunday, December 29, 2002

On Life
(12:30 A.M. 28 December 2002)

I am lucky because I was able to watch "Tolkien: Master of Middle-earth". I have read his biography but seeing a documentary of his life and some of his greatest works (The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Silmarillion) in action and full color can beat what i imagined then.

It was nice knowing that he really lived a life. He was a human being, not just a literary icon. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien-- the writer, poet, linguist, son, husband, father, role model and inspiration to millions. I know now that it was the "simple life" he had that gave him the ingenuity in inventing and making up a fantasy, fiction in a land called Middle-earth.

I know now that we are all given that chance in life and like the Professor (Tolkien), it is up to us to see the world as a blessing, an inspiration, or maybe a curse.

I am only one of the millions who are fascinated with what the Professor has created. He wrote "The Hobbit" before my parents were even born. He died before I was born. But still, he has touched many lives, including mine. We have our own ways of showing our appreciation. Some may form societies with their own types of individuals-- scholars, linguists, writers, poets, even hippies who form cults and yes, even common folks like me.

On January 3, he will celebrate his 111st birthday. Though I cannot afford to go to his grave in England or able to sing Elvish songs for him, I hope that in my own way, I have shown how grateful I am that he lived.
On Death

The typical me would often send forwarded quotes to friends through SMS. It just so happened that a friend sent me a message and I was touched. So I edited it and forwarded it to friends. It read:

"Patay na si Karen kaninang 6:30. Mama nya 'to."
(Karen died last 6:30. It's her mom.)
scroll down
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"What if totoo?" (What if it were true?)
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"Would you care?"
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"Would you even bother?"
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"Would you shed a tear?"
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"Sana..." (I hope so.)

When I got the message from a friend, I was shocked after I read the first line. But since I am not that gullible and I like to get to the bottom of things, I pressed the down key. After a slight anger for sending me that type of message, which nearly gave me a heart attack, I found it funny. Then I realized that this person, whom I've never seen yet, meant something to me. Because the thought of her dying made me panic in disbelief.

I got a variety of reactions after sending that message. One friend called my mobile, the other my landline just to be sure. And when he realized it was me who answered with a laugh, he swore and asked why I did that. But then he had not scrolled the message yet. So, he doesn't know it actually contained something substantial, not just me wanting some attention.

One friend got worried that there was something wrong with me. Nothing. I might be insane sometimes but I'm not clinically psychotic. Another friend literally sat down in disbelief and was worried, but good for him that he scrolled down. Another laughed it off and told me I was just being silly again. One was irritated and told me to stop it coz it's not funny. Another told me I just have nothing to do. While one of them got so scared of the thought of losing a friend like me.

Some reactions were exaggerated but I was happy knowing that there are some people who care for me. But these different reactions, whether they scrolled down or not, made me wonder why death is such a big deal. Maybe because I am young and I have a lot ahead of me. Usually, it's harder to bear compared to an older person dying. It's a scary thought but yes, we all die... eventually. Well, anything we don't know or understand IS SCARY. But again I ask, what if it were true? Anything is possible.

That message I received made me realize that I haven't showed her how much I care. It made me think that I wanna spend time hanging out with her and that I wanna talk to her about all the topics we could think of. Yes, she meant something and her message stirred me up a bit. Perhaps I should not take her (or other people I love and care for) for granted.

That message I gave out made me think of how I'm living my life right now. Am I truly happy? Perhaps I shouldn't take life for granted.

Saturday, December 28, 2002

Which woman of Shakespeare are you?

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What's your sexual appeal?

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THIS is freaky... *shudders*
(1:30AM; 28 December 2002)

The title makes you think of the movie, right? The one where Richard Gere and Diane Lane starred in. I just watched it. I couldn't exactly relate to it, but I was somehow touched. It's a typical movie about a crime of passion but the ending was quite unexpected for me. Here's a woman who was looking for more spice in her life. She was tired of her perfect family, perfect husband and suburban life. (Do you get tired when Richard Gere is your husband? Hehehe!) It turned out, they were still "faithful" after all because they "protected" each other by not letting their secrets out. But I wonder how they could live with all that guilt? Pretend everything's alright? Oh well, it'sa pretty f*cked-up world after all... (Sorry for those who haven't seen the movie!)

I just thought I'd scribble this because earlier, a friend asked for my advice. She said her life's getting boring and she wanted some spice in it. Yeah, I dunno why I keep getting that eventhough I am not experienced when it comes to relationships. She asked me if she could go out for a "friendly date" with a guy, eventhough both of them are already "taken and not available".

Yeah, ask the girl who has read Joshua Harris books ("I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Boy Meets Girl"). I said, "NO, if I were given the choice, I will not do it unless I don't love the person I'm with. I'll welcome other guys and be open to other potential relationships if I'm not in love. But then, why the heck am I with a person I don't love? Why would I commit myself?"

Then she said that's to be expected from me-- the goody-two-shoes who acts as her conscience. Hahahaha! She told me she loves her boyfriend so much.

But why have an option to get intimate with someone on a "friendly date" if she loves him? I mean, I could go out with that person and some other friends, but not with him alone.

She told me that the guy is a friend and they have so many things in common.

"Then why ask me if you've already made up your mind?", I asked. Either they go out with friends or she tell her boyfriend about him. Better than the boyfriend learns about him from someone else. THAT would be a disaster.

She was hesitant to tell her boyfriend about it coz he gets jealous easily. He doesn't want to lose her. In short, he's insecure. But then, people don't get jealous if they have no reason to. Not being secure in a relationship is not good. The boyfriend has his reasons. Maybe she does things that make him insecure and make him look at every guy as a threat to their relationship.

She told me she's sweet to him and she agreed to go out with him together with friends. Then she'll wait for the "proper timing" to tell her boyfriend about him.

I wonder when will that be. Going out with a group of people, but then focusing STILL on the particular guy is still the same as going out with him alone. She still gets intimate with him even if they're surrounded by other people. (Hey Josh! I'm learning from you! Hahahaha!)

What would it take for me to be unfaithful? An affair with someone as gorgeous as Orlando Bloom?

Sometimes, when I'm undergoing "temporary depression"*, life gets lonely. But I'd rather face that than be in a mess I can't get out of. Not to mention, hurt myself and people I love as well.

*moods or instances like experiencing tears fall from the eyes while listening to "I'm With You" or any sentimental songs; gazing at the stars wondering what's happening in other parts of the world; aimlessly walking alone in a crowded place; scribbling thoughts such as these...

"Why is everything so confusing? Maybe I'm just out of my mind..."
~Avril Lavigne, I'm With You

Friday, December 27, 2002

Yahoo Astrocenter has been telling me this today:

There is no fax coming to you today that has the message "Enjoy life!" in big block letters, dear Cancer. This is a message you are going to have to remember yourself. There is a tremendous amount of power in your emotions, and you should make sure that this incredible force is aimed in a positive direction. You have a great deal of love to share with the world, so why continue holding it all inside?
The subtle tension in the air might be just the thing you need to make you more aware of subconscious issues that are affecting your daily behavior. You will find that there is a great deal that needs to be unloaded from your chest. The more honest you can be about the pain people have caused you, the more loving thoughts and words will be able to flow in the future. Open up the channels of communication, and let it flow.

I don't think this "forecast" is applicable to me today. It's applicable to me EVERYDAY.

Thursday, December 26, 2002

HBO was showing "Miss Congeniality" again. This never failed to make me laugh. I mean, Sandra Bullock is the only person I can think of who can get away with being smart, funny, looking stupid but beautiful at the same time. There were many scenes that made me smile, but I like the bar scene best. Those glow-in-the-dark paint and shot glasses that resemble a test tube... Cute! Not to mention the scene which goes something like this:

Miss Rhode Island: I have a perfect answer for that question ("What is your ideal date?"). My ideal date is an evening dinner, then a walk along the beach under the stars, then talk about books, music, movies...
Miss California: No wonder you're still a virgin!

Hahahaha! I don't wonder AT ALL! That IS my perfect date.

TTT parody

This made me really laugh. My faves are:

LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.

Then this...

LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.
LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass.
ARAGORN: Hey, blow me.
(Ten minutes later)
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?

This is sooo cool! I just tried submitting my rants and raves about The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on a website and I was glad they posted my review!

Click this to view it: My Review

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs.

Grown Up Christmas List

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies
Well I'm all grown up now
Can you still help somehow?
I'm not a child but my heart still can dream

So here's my lifeful wish
My grown up Christmas List
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts
Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List

May kindness rules our lives
Not just the strong survive
Sweet tears for all the thousand years on mind
This is the world I pray
We will all share some way
Help me begin by reaching out my hand

No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts
Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List

Why does this illusion call the innocence of you?
Maybe when the time believe we can find the truth

No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts
Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List

This is the prayer that I will keep
This is my grown up Christmas list
Christmas list
Merry Christmas!

Like I said, this was a different Christmas for me, but then I'm glad that something familiar still happened-- we all went to mass TOGETHER. The church was packed. It was nice to think that people still don't forget the true meaning of the season. But then we went and watched a movie today, the cinemas were packed too. Hehehe!

One thing I noticed is how I see a lot of young couples everywhere. I dunno if it's just a fad in our area, but they are barely 13! Ok, I guess the times nowadays are not the same as what I've experienced before. I mean, when I was 12, I just had silly crushes and my main problem was how I could learn how to skate! Hahaha! Maybe that's why until now, I still have silly and not-so-silly crushes. I wonder if that's just it for me. Will I be able to "go to the next level"? Hmmm...

Thoughts on the coming year:

I'm not really into New Year's resolutions since I don't usually follow them. That's why I'd rather make it through the year and try to make myself better in every way, like changing my bad habits. But then I can't help but maintain some of them, like sleeping really late.
Why do we often break promises we make to ourselves? How can we fulfill our promises to other people if we can't fulfill the promises we made to ourselves?

Song I can't get out of my head: I love the lyrics.
Reminds me of the song by The Corrs, "All The Love In the World

"I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
But I... I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here i know
Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
But I... I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
yeah yeah yeah

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
But I... I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Monday, December 23, 2002

You are an angel.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

Present in many belief systems, most notably Christian and Judaic, angels are a race of beings who serve Deity. They have many callings and subcategories. In popular culture they are most renowned for their role as guardians and protectors of humanity.

The Two Towers: my viewpoints
(A different view from my experience of watching the first movie since I have already read the book this time around.)

I am still overwhelmed with what I witnessed last night. I am trying to gather my thoughts now. I just wanna say that it was great to be sent to a three-hour trip back to Middle-earth again. The one-year wait was worthwhile.

I tried to read the book a few weeks prior to the premiere. I was only halfway through it when I decided, what the heck, the movie would have the most deviations from the book compared to FOTR and ROTK, so why bother? I admit I winced at some scenes and I often catch myself saying, "But... but... it should have been this or that!" But all-in-all, it was a fun experience. I was with my mom and sis but I was also with other TPTS members: Kusangge and Ginny with their friends, Jam and her mom. Honestly, the theater did not offer great sound and pictures. We were also near the screen than I normally would prefer. I plan to watch it in a "better" cinema during the regular screening. But the best thing for me was the fact that I was with a great audience. Great -- means they reacted accordingly (cheer, sneer, laugh, keep silent, tease and all those stuff). I was like, "Oh wow! I am not alone! We think similarly!" I like sitting with people I can give comments to and at the same time, hear comments from. It was A LOT of fun!

There was more action in the movie, as expected and for me, there was no dull moment (except some Arwen "creeping" for Aragorn scenes). The movie depicted the change I expected from the characters. Aragorn is already becoming a leader as their journey continues, even with the appearance of Gandalf the White. He has two ladies this time... Merry and Pippin are not the "comic reliefs" anymore since they're undergoing a great task with Treebeard and the ents. Somehow, Gimli provided the funny quips. Some may don't like that but it was fine for me. I still have deep respect for the Dwarf and those instances seem to ease the tension. Yes, this movie brings more tension than ever since some scenes show exaggeration than what was written in the book, but then I think it was effective in putting people, especially non-readers, in the edge of their seats. Gimli's friendship with Legolas develops. I wished they focused more on the elf-dwarf rivalry in the first movie. Legolas seems to be more solemn. I love the moves! The skateboard thing wasn't that great but I think the slow motion of him mounting Arod is sooo cool! Frodo and Sam are still as weary as ever. Although they didn't have much screening time, I think PJ just wanted to focus more on men and the battle scenes. I still love the scenery (although most of the land are barren and dry) and the music! Helms Deep and the Dead Marshes are just what I imagined when I read the book.

Treebeard was ok but I kinda hoped to see Quckbeam. I imagined ents to be fatter or rounder. I didn't like the Merry-and-Pippin-seeing-Gandalf scene since I couldn't see the reason why he should show himself to them at that time. The wargs and oliphaunts are cool too. The horses are beautiful and I love Shadowfax. Like the first movie, I think the actors fit to their repective roles perfectly. Eowyn, Theoden (best supporting actor nominee?), Eomer and Grima (yes, he was scary and manipulative as what the book said. What's with the tear rolling down his cheek when the ents attack Isengard? ). Like many, I was also disappointed with the portrayal of Faramir. I mean, he is my fave human in the book. I admire Faramir and his inner strength to fight the power of the Ring and they just showed another Boromir. It's ok, at least he still "saved himself" in the end. Can Elrond and Galadriel communicate mentally? Elrond was kinda scary and with the pressure he's putting on Arwen, he struck me as a father wanting the love of his daughter only for himself. Or I might be mistaken... I appreciate the inserts of Arwen and Aragorn showing what was written in the Appendix but I think they had too much kissing scenes (Hehehe!) The continuity of their kissing scene and Aragorn kissing Brego in reality was funny. I mean, imagine movie Arwen as a horse. Hahahaha!

More screen time sana for Eomer, Gandalf the White and Saruman. I mean, where was the Grima-throwing-the-palantir scene?! But then they had enough time to make Haldir's death more dramatic. Don't get me wrong, since I'm no purist, I like the thought of elves in Helms Deep. It made the battle more exciting.

My last comment is my fave character in TTT, Gollum. It wasn't what I imagine him. Even if I had glimpses of the creature during the first movie, they did good. I mean, I love the facial expressions, acting (Stinker and Slinker), lines (remember the time when he was catching fish in the Forbidden Pool and the time he argued with Sam about potatoes)... he can win "Best Computer-generated Actor" if there was an award for that! There were Stinker-and-Slinker scenes in the book that would make me pity him, BUT the movie did more. They depicted the "shizophrenic" moments in a funny but clear way. It helped me understood why he was torn, why Frodo gave him a chance, why Samwise couldn't trust him, why he was pitiful, at the same time, bad to the bonessss... He was CUTE! Hahaha! I like the scenes when he and Samwise would quarrel. Makes me think of an idea for another Cassie Claire diary entry. Hehehehe!

Although some characters spoke another character's line, or they were supposed to show that scene or that scene was supposed to be in ROTK, I think I would still watch and watch and watch The Two Towers.