'Tis the season to be jolly... Fa la la la la la la la la...

Fifteen days to go before Christmas...

I wonder why I can't feel the meaning of the season. Ok, so what's new? For the past few years, I have felt that way. I miss being a kid again, waiting for Santa to slip my gift under the tree. Simple things such as a brightly-lit street would make me forget everything. I would just open my mouth with awe. I always looked forward to riding in carousels with the cool night wind blowing through my hair. Even the thought of being awake 'til past midnight would send shivers of excitement down my spine. Did I already let go of the kid inside me? Did I already let the world steal my hopes and dreams inside? I hope not.

Some say that Christmas is for the children. Some say it's for family. Some say it's for lovers. What is it really about? Should I complete my simbang gabi in order for me to grasp its meaning? Should I look for a "special someone" and spend Christmas with him in order to feel complete? Or should I just stick to my family and keep it from falling apart before the new year starts? Should I pretend to be happy even if deep inside, I'm not? Why am I not contented with what I have? What's missing? I have no idea...

Will I be like this 365 days from now? What can I do to break the cycle? Christmas songs and decors are everywhere. I can't close my ears and eyes and pretend they're not there. If only I can be in my own world where I can control everything-- where I have found personal happiness so that I would be able to share what I have with others... They say it's giving, not receiving. But how could I give something I don't have in the first place?

This is getting stressful. Let's go sing some carols.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jackfrost nipping at your nose. Yuletide carols being sung a choir and folks dress up like Eskimos...