Wednesday, December 31, 2003

CANCER

"Proceed with passion today. Get out of the gloom and doom mode that you are so familiar with. This is not a good time to sit at home and mope. Get out in the sunshine, literally as well as figuratively. Don't keep yourself cooped up inside when there is a huge world out there for you to explore. Today is a day to keep things light and energetic. Remember that happiness is a decision that you have to make."

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

I am happy today...

...because I won't be reporting for work tomorrow. My application for leave was approved. (Yehey!)

...because he already arrived in Manila from the province. I might be able to see him a week earlier than expected.

...because I'm with my family this New Year's Eve and I could not ask for more.

...because I am going to get a haircut tomorrow.

...because I already bought some things from my wishlist (although there are still more left but that's okay).

...because I'm gaining weight due to the holidays but it's not a big deal since my family, friends and he will still love me for what I am.

...because I have a job that pays (eventhough I know I'm not going to last that long) and a job that is stressful (since I know it will help lessen the weight that I gained over the holidays). Hehehe!

...because my sister's godsister arrived from London and is checking out if I can qualify for a job position in the nursing home she's working in. I'm gonna be a caregiver for all I care, but I would be glad to go to London.

...because I still exist to experience 2004 and to be 24. (I heard there is this 21-year old actor who died because he "accidentally" fell from a 9th-floor balcony.)

That is enough reason to say good-bye to this year and look forward to next year.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

2004: Year of the Monkey
Monkey - 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028.
(Next year is MY year. I hope it's going to be better. Looking forward to it.)

The phrase Happy - go - lucky is perhaps coined just to describe the Monkey. Monkeys crave fun, activity and stimulation. They always tend to have a good time. Sparkling wit and that rapier-sharp mind are their main strengths. Monkeys are natural entertainers. To add to it, Monkeys are also good listeners and tackle complicated situations with ease.

This Sign's natural curiosity lends it the desire to become knowledgeable on a broad range of topics.

The Monkey tends to get into trouble due to a certain lack of very high morals. This Sign's first interest is pursuing its own pleasure. It's just the way the Monkey is. However, this kind of carefree self-involvement can lead to all kinds of scrapes.

In love and relationships, the Monkey makes a fun, exciting lover -- but one that may have the potential to stray romantically. Monkeys might just be a bit too curious for its own good.

The Monkey's love of self-indulgence can also lead to other types of trouble. This Sign may have little self-control concerning food, alcohol and other pleasurable activities.

Monkeys must try to learn to think of others ahead of themselves, at least some of the time. This Sign's world will be more complete once it realizes the world doesn't revolve around it.
Those who will be rendering overtime for work this weekend will be given additional cash incentives. I did not go on OT. Not that I don't need the money, I do. But I accompanied my mom yesterday to watch one of the Tagalog movies for MMFF (Metro Manila Film Festival). We had some sort of a date, just the two of us. It's been a while since we did that. Then today, my sis and I cleaned our room. It's spic and span right now and I'm proud that I got my hands and knees all filthy.

Now I'm thinking if I will still do extra work tonight so I can get extra cash. But then I realized I missed my house. These past few months, I just go home to eat and sleep. My schedule revolves around my work. I know I am a corporate slave, but I don't want to be a robot. I want my life back before it's too late.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Sad Christmas Eve

I'm here at work spending Christmas Eve in the office. This is the first time in my life that I'd be spending Christmas Eve away from home. I was so decided not to go to work today despite the fact that my application for leave was not approved. What made me change my mind?

It was because I had to choose between sacrificing only one day, whether Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve, and I chose to sacrifice this night.

I knew that this job requires me to be flexible in my dates. I also am aware that we, employees, have the right to a few days vacation or sick leave. I was responsible enough to file it earlier so as to get a slot. Since I don't trust them to approve my New Year's Eve application for leave, I might as well be absent that day.

I was chatting with my best bud earlier. She made me realize that if both my applications for Christmas and New Year's Eve were not approved, I'll end up being absent for TWO days. I may end up jobless when the New Year starts. Will that help my family? No. I know they are the reason why I want to stay at home tonight. I want to be with them. Who knows we won't be together next Christmas, right? But I got to look at a bigger picture. My family needs me to have a job. Despite the fact that I am actually forcing myself to go to work everyday and I am not happy anymore, I have to do this unless I have a better alternative. Better means higher pay and lesser stress. But that seems improbable as of the moment.

So what am I to do? My friend has a point. I sacrifice one special holiday. I won't eat the food we prepared this morning. My family was, well, sorry I have to go to work. But we don't have much of a choice. I cried on my way here. Now were being served food. Is this a compensation for the sorry asses who need to work tonight? I don't think it will suffice.

For those people reading this, I hope that unlike me, you have a HAPPY CHRISTMAS. From my heart, I truly wish you do because it will help lessen the load a bit. At least I know there are people happy celebrating this season with their loved-ones.
The review below can also be seen at ToRN.

CLICK HERE to view.
The Journey Ends

(an account of a witness of "The Return of the King")

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD


The board is set and the pieces are... well, stuck in traffic. That's what I thought on our way to the moviehouse. I was itching to get there because I know there is already a long line in front of the cinema. I'm glad I have friends who were able to save some seats for me, my sister and my mother. We got, in my opinion, the best seats in the house.

I was surrounded with family, friends and familiar faces around me. It was a comfort knowing I'm sharing the most-awaited moment with people close to me. Yes, this end to JRR Tolkien's trilogy is my most-awaited event of the year. I have been waiting for this since I saw "The Two Towers". After buying popcorn and drinks so we can keep the ROTK tumbler, I snuggled comfortably in my seat.

The movie left me speechless. But after two days of reflections with myself and conversations with my sister, I have chosen some scenes I love and some scenes I think can be omitted or modified.

The movie started with Smeagol and Deagol. I've been expecting this since I was reading spoilers galore in the internet prior to my actual viewing. The scene itself is not part of the ROTK book but I already knew the reason why PJ (Peter Jackson, the director) made it the opening scene. It portrayed the "evolution" of Smeagol to Gollum throughout the years while he was under the influence of The One Ring.

I noticed that compared to the previous two movies, this one is quite fast-paced in the sense that there was a lot of "switching" from one scene to another. So after the Gollum story shows Frodo, Sam and Gollum near Mordor.

The White Rider and the three hunters then found Merry and Pippin in Isengard. This scene is also not a part of the ROTK book and Gandalf did not say "Get up you tom-fool of a Took!" But then, well... I won't see all the things I like. Like when Pippin found the palantir underwater. I mean, it would have been funny when Grima threw it at them and made Saruman angry. Where is Saruman? There never was a closure. Treebeard told them Saruman and Grima were locked in Orthanc. But I never saw their shadows.

The Gollum-Smeagol Stinker and Slinker scenes were very effective. Andy Serkis made a fabulous performance!

The King of Rohan was what I expected. Theoden's character was clearly depicted in the movie.

What's with Arwen and her having foreseen their son? I don't like the scene that shows the reforging of Anduril from the shards of Narsil because Arwen requested Elrond to do it. And why was the ring affecting her? UGH!

Minas Tirith was beautiful! Too bad Denethor was portrayed as a madman wanting the throne of Gondor for himself more than a Steward who lost his judgment after he saw the palantir. I guess the character was an excuse for Gandalf to be violent and use his staff to "make Denethor come to his senses". Funny since I never imagined Gandalf to be violent that way. If I can recal correctly he also did that to Pippin when Pippin was offering Denethor his services. Haha!

I like the snips from the previous two movies when a character is remembering the past-- like when Boromir died. I also like the lighting of the beacons and when Gollum threw the lembas. He should not have done that but it was effective in creating a "friction" between Sam and Frodo. Great additions!

It was a sad scene when Faramir cried and Pippin sang. Such a sad song for a hobbit to sing, but beautiful song nonetheless. I wonder why Denethor was ever so hungry.

The "I canot give what you seek" scene of Eowyn and Aragorn made me long to see Faramir-Eowyn scenes in the Houses of Healing.

Where was Dernhelm?! It should have been better if it went with Eowyn's "I am no man!" scene.

Legolas shouldn't have shot an arrow at the dead when he knew they were dead, right?

Anyways, Shelob was scary! The scene when Galadriel offered hope to Frodo was a nice touch too.

It's weird cause during the pyre of Denethor, it seems like Gandalf and Shadowfax were the ones who pushed Denethor to the fire. Weird.

Some tearjerker scenes are the death of Theoden, Aragorn's speech at the Black Gate, the Sam-Frodo scene on Mount Doom: "Then let us be rid of it once and for all! Come on, Mr. Frodo! I can't carry it for you but I can carry you! Come on!" and of course during the crowning of the king "you bow to no one" scene. *sniff*

The addition of the dead fighting during the Battle of Pelennor is not a bad change. It would have been improbable for them to win the battle if the dead did not arrive.

The eye of Sauron was like a spotlight in Mordor. I don't think it was necessary cause it made Sauron a bit funny instead of scary. But I guess it would help the non-readers understand the scenes more. But then again, they could have deleted the spotlight part. Just a suggestion.

King Elessar sang in Elvish. Cool!

No entdraught therefore, no taller Merry and Pippin, no crowning in the fields of Cormallen, no Frodo giving the crown to Gandalf first before Gandalf crowned King Elessar, no Houses of Healing, no Scouring of the Shire, but over-all, the movie was a fantastic end to the trilogy. It kept me on the edge of my seat.

Hope fades, into the world of night, through shadows falling out of memory and time. Don't say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again and you'll be here in my arms just sleeping... ~"Into the West", Annie Lennox
Wonderful Weekend

I attended my second cousin's wedding last Saturday. I got this fortune from the wedding cake that read "Bells are ringing and the dream you're dreaming will come true tonight". It did. Not really my biggest dream of all, but at least I was happy.

Saturday night we were at the local amusement park. He bought me this cute dolphin lamp and I remember him before sleeping and after waking up coz I always see the lamp on the bedside table.

Both of us have weak stomachs so we did not go on wild rides. Plus he treated me out to dinner in my fave pizza place prior to going to the park so I'd rather keep my food in my stomach after that.

I was glad he liked my gift after all the effor my sis and I gave to find it. Hahaha!

While I'm writing this he in the province to spend the holidays with his family and relatives. He'd be gone at least a week. Worse, there is not much signal there so I can't even send him a message or call him through his mobile.

Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say
That I'm officially missing you

~Tamia, "Officially Missing You"
Almost Perfect

A chapter of my life ended last Saturday morning. A new one started Saturday night. So far, everything is fine except for the fact that I'm feeling sad today. 'Tis the day before Christmas. Since my application for leave was not approved and I am still decided to spend Christmas with my family, I am in danger of getting terminated from work because of my attendance. On January 6, it will be one year since I started working in the company. If I lose my job because I want to spend Christmas and New Year with my family (and of course, I filed for leave already about 2 and a half months ago), SO BE IT.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

My life just ended. Let's see if I have the strength to start it later today. Or will it just end for me? No more beginnings.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Last day at work this week. I am looking forward to my rest days. I filed for a 3-day leave and I'll be going back to work on the night of December 25th.

Due to some unforseen circumstances, my life starts on Saturday. I hope I will be able to make the best out of it.

Home is behind, the world ahead
There are many paths to tread
Through shadow to the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight
Mist and shadow, cloud and shade
All shall fade, all shall fade

~Pippin, "The Return of the King"

To lighten the mood, here is Garfield again:

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Bits and Pieces

A lot of people in the office are talking about the UP Lantern Parade later today. Some are even asking me to watch. I don't know why but I don't seem excited enough to sacrifice my sleeping time to watch it. Maybe because most of the people who made my life in UP memorable and bearable are not around anymore to keep me company. So, why bother?

--------------------
I feel tired and sleepy today despite drinking a cup of coffee and a coke in can within my work shift. I am not much of a coffee-drinker lately nor a softdrink-lover for that matter, but I had to get a dose of caffeine just to keep me going. I have an inkling why but I am just scared to admit it to myself. Some things are better kept unrevealed.

--------------------
An officemate is going to watch "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" tonight. It's the premiere by Globe. They're giving free tickets to the first 400 Gentexters. I remembered when my friend and I used to wait for the premiere of "The Fellowship of the Ring" about two years ago. We were there at 10AM. It was so funny since I was just dragged to that premiere. I never thought I would thank her for introducing me to JRR Tolkien and his Lord of the Rings. We were, I think, the 16th and 17th Gentexters who fell in line for the movie two hours before the screening time. Imagine that! But it was worth it.

I still have a Gentext card but I couldn't go since I have work tonight. And besides, she is not with me anymore, so it would not be fun to watch alone. I'd rather wait for the TPTS advance screening and share the movie with my friends and fellow Tolkienites.

--------------------
I wish it's the weekend already.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Living proof...

that I have "hobbit blood".

Got this picture a few days ago from my cousin in the States. This is John, her son, my nephew. He is half-Filipino and half Italian. Look closely... curly hair, chubby, short. He's wearing shoes so we won't know if he has big hairy feet, right? Hehe! But he is so cute!





My nephew, JOHN PEDRES MARCELLINO (whom we fondly call "The Hobbit")

Monday, December 15, 2003

Waiting...

My countdown clock is reading: 1 day, 15 hours, 25 minutes before the premiere of "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King".

I still have to wait for 7 more days for me to watch it.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Sacrifices

I went to dinner with some relatives and my family earlier this evening. The food was great! *burp* But I only had 3 hours of sleep, and I still have one shift to finish.

Sunday morning and I'm here at work. I'm alone in my area. I know my sister just watched "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" premiere on HBO. Damn. If I only knew I'd be missing this much, I never would have swapped my Saturday rest day. But then again, the person I swapped with would have missed spending Saturday with her friends in Enchanted Kingdom. That person (who is also my friend) was the one who requested a swap. And since it's over and done with, I better stop this rant. But I promise not to swap work schedules anymore since my personal schedule is greatly affected.

We had dinner in a sort-of restaurant-- the kind that we get to buy fresh seafood in the nearby market then tell the people in the restaurant how we want them cooked. That dinner was for several reasons: 3 of my second cousins had birthdays last week, one of them is getting married next week, another second cousin came from the province for a convention here (haven't seen her for about 17 years now).

Sacrifice self for family.

I know that she (the cousin from the province) is living with a lesbian for about 20 years now. I know also that they're in love because they lasted that long, but homosexual marriages are not legal in this part of the world. Then my cousin was telling us how she wanted to marry someone-- someone who can take her to another country, who can help her fulfill her dreams. So, through the internet, she looked for that someone. To make the story short, her options narrowed to two-- a guy from the US and another from the UK. After meeting those men in person, she has decided to marry the UK guy next year, probably for reasons that are quite obvious since she kept on bragging on how they would tour around the world, how she named beneficiary of his insurance (worth US$1M- Whew! Actually, there are still a lot of stuff he gave her--digital cam, mobile phone, monthly allowance-- oh, I don't want to fill the entire webpage), and how he gives her the time, love and of course, money.

She said she already loves him. I just hope that they do live happily ever after coz she is being treated like a princess. I just hope they spend time together and get to know each other more in the coming months. I have nothing against relationships that start online (I should know better! Haha!) as long as the people involved don't lie or take advantage of one another. Of course, it's always better to meet each other personally and spend time together face-to-face (and not keyboard-to-keyboard if you know what I mean).

But what about her lesbian live-in partner? She'll also get benefits even if my second cousin gets married. Money can be shared, right? No matter how odd it may seem, I'm surprised they made an agreement about their unusual situation. My second cousin admitted that the lesbian gets jealous, but she already told her she wants to get married. But the lesbian will still be someone special.

Sacrifice love for money.

Hey, money is the answer for everything right? Oh well. I hope it is. My mother was, well... kinda envious with her. It is as if my second cousin won the lottery. And it felt like she was giving me hints... Oh well, if she only knew that I have personally experienced meeting someone online. Then learning to fall in love in the process of knowing that someone in person. Too bad he's not The Prince of Wales or someone that rich. If you ever get to read this Ma, I will not marry just for money. Money and love would be more like it. Hahaha! Since I'm not that financially desperate yet, I think I'd rather work hard, get rich and marry the man I love. If one day, I'll be posting that I'll marry Bill Gates or the Prince of Brunei, then maybe I already went beyond desperation.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

I'm feeling lazy again.



You said it right, Garfield.
I have to go to work tonight. I can't wait for Sunday. No, actually, I can't wait for next week. I don't think I'll have enough rest this weekend. That's why I'm looking forward to next weekend.


Thought to Ponder



I think I need one.

All images courtesy of Garfield.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Don't like the singer that much, but I love this song...

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means


When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul


When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

(Be strong)
You'll break it
(Hold On)
You'll make it
Just don't forsake it because
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall


~The Voice Within, Christina Aguilera
CANCER

Your dreams may be a bit disturbing, but this is more likely to reflect fears from the past than dangers for the future. Do write them down, however. You may learn a lot about yourself by studying the symbols.

I hope so... I really hope so...
Moments

One of my cousins is (also) going to the States. She's going to be an immigrant and may leave before the year ends. She is a nurse. (No surprise there.) It seems like nurses are having more options when it comes to working overseas. If I knew I would have taken up B.S. Nursing instead. But no use crying over spilled milk. I just hope she finds the fulfillment of her dreams there in foreign soil. I'm going to miss her though... not knowing when we can see each other again.

I wonder when my time will come...

On the other hand, we went to the amusement park earlier and I wish I had a camera with me to get some pics of all those beautiful lights. I realized it's only a few days before Christmas. Those were the moments I cherish-- times when you spend time with your family admiring the surroundings, not caring if we don't get to eat there or get on the rides, knowing that we're together and that it is reason enough to make the moment unforgettable.

I plan to go back there again and enjoy the rides next time. Too bad I have to shorten my trip because I have to go to work. Just one more week and I'll have a few days off for myself and my family.

I'm also excited for ROTK!!!

Cause every moment we share together is even better than the moment before... if everyday was as good as today was, then I can't wait until tomorrow comes...
~Westlife, "Moments"

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Time...

is really slow when you're NOT having fun.



Lazy...

is what I feel right now.



All images courtesy of Garfield.

--------------------

Nine months ang counting...

Happy 9th Monthsary, Lisse!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Spoiled

I just had to spoil myself with these CLIPS.

I had goosebumps while watching. I can't wait. I am so excited!

More descriptions here.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

The tickets...

sold like hotcakes on a cold morning. No more tickets left! They're SOLD-OUT!!!

Monday, December 08, 2003

Ready for ROTK!

After a stressful shift, a hearty breakfast and a few moments of deep breaths (I still can't get over the fact that I HAVE TO WORK on Christmas eve and New Year's eve), I met a co-TPTS member who gave me 40 tickets for the advance screening. I already have 30 reservations and I still have 10 tickets spare.

I am so excited! I'm buying a ticket for my Mama as her birthday/Christmas gift (hehe! nagtitipid) and a ticket for my sis as her Christmas gift too. Not to mention some of my friends at work will also be watching plus the TPTS peeps and some close friends not related to work or TPTS.

I can't wait!!!

Too bad I could not attend the Globe premiere on the 17th for Gentxters. I have work. Oh well.

I got this from TORN



I hope they'll consider, not just for Best Adapted Screenplay. *cross fingers*
Christmas break?!

Give me a break.

It's been more than 11 months already since I started this job. I never have been absent and I do overtime as much as possible if my body can take it. Then 2 and a half months ago, I filed for leave for December 22 until the night of December 24 (Christmas with the family) and the night of December 31 (New Year with the family). Yes, I filed it THAT early because I know there will be a lot of applications for leave for the holidays. I saved those leaves especially for those days. I am happy because I will be able to watch the advance screening of "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King". I learned they approved December 22 and 23. Guess what?! They DID NOT APPROVE my application for December 24 and 31!

I could not believe it at first because it was filed that early and they told me they are increasing the slots for leave on those days. But then this?! Despite the fact that I still have 4 days left in my vacation leave allotment for this year... They still did not approve.

We'll see about that.
I think I am desperate enough to sacrifice one rest day to do, yet again, another overtime for work. God help me. It turned out to be one very busy day due to the snowstorm in the northeastern United States. Thank God for tropical countries.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Fiction

Don't mock me or scorn me. Don't place me on pedestal and make me face all my imperfections. I know I'm not perfect. Life already has it's hurtful way of making me realize that. I don't need you to remind me how pathetic I am. I'm already kneeling on the ground. Why make me crawl? Would that make you feel better? Or would you think it would make me feel better knowing that you have seen through me?

--------------------

A person once said that reality is just a point of view of the majority. I don't want to be transparent and visible to the real world. Because in reality, the more transparent I am, the more points of view will be taken, the more these judgments deviate from what I truly am. I want to be known only to myself as much as possible. I want to be part of fiction, not reality. I want to be a character who can easily be created, changed and destroyed... a character who does not care if her actions will trigger negative reactions from others. I want to be an insignificant character like a small rock on a dirt road which nobody notices, nobody cares about, nobody knew existed... until maybe one day, somebody will stumble upon it and change that somebody's life.

But I still have a smile on my face. Because I know that despite the hurtful words, I know you are that somebody whose life has changed because of me.

--------------------

Back to reality:
My Muse is at it again. Maybe I think of these weird thoughts due to lack of sleep (24 hours awake already and counting.) Or maybe it was the fact that I got to be surrounded by books again when I found myself alone, browsing them in the local bookshop. Or maybe it's another "over-sensitivity attack". But I should know better. Only one person can make me put these feelings into writing. Too bad that person may not be reading nor will ever read this entry.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

New Worlds

After a successful first convention sponsored by Via Astris during the premiere of Star Trek Nemesis, we will now be having a Long Expected Party--- that is the second science-fiction and fantasy convention scheduled on January 17-18 and of course, sponsored by The Philippine Tolkien Society during the screening of the last installment of the epic trilogy The Lord of the Rings.

Latest update is that the convention is going to be held in Rockwell, Makati at the Parking Quad of the Powerplant Mall (co-sponsored by Fully Boooked).

Ain't it grand?
True
~Spandau Ballet~
(Come sing with me!)

So true funny how it seems
always in time, but never in line for dreams
Head over heels when toe to toe
This is the sound of my soul,
this is the sound
I bought a ticket to the world,
but now I've come back again
Why do I find it hard to write the next line
Oh I want the truth to be said

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true
Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true

With a thrill in my head and a pill on my tongue
dissolve the nerves that have just begun
Listening to Marvin (all night long)
This is the sound of my soul,
this is the sound

Always slipping from my hands,
sand's a time of its own
Take your seaside arms and write the next line
Oh I want the truth to be known

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true
Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true

I bought a ticket to the world,
but now I've come back again
Why do I find it hard to write the next line
Oh I want the truth to be said

Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true
Huh huh huh hu-uh huh
I know this much is true
This much is true
I know, I know, I know this much is true
The King has Returned

I am so excited! "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" has already premiered in New Zealand.

A few days more and I can't wait!

What if your date to the premiere is this gorgeous huh?





"The board is set,
The pieces are moving;
We come to it at last,
The Great Battle of our time..."

~Gandalf the White

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

I can't wait to go home. My sister bought this:



and I can't wait to read the articles!

Read more about this issue here.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Our Secret

I love Garfield!



I'm not good. I'm up to no good. I'm nasty, nasty, nasty!
Time to Panic?




I love Garfield! He never fails to put a smile on my face.

I never had to take off my jacket when I went out of the office building to buy food. It's colder outside compared to the air-conditioned office. Christmas is in the air.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Spent the first day of December 2003 sleeping. What a way to temporarily escape reality!

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Life's a Stage

I am here at work now, not wanting to be here but needing to be here. Aside from financial reasons, I also need a distraction. This day turned out to be more than what I expected.

SCENE 1:
About 8:30AM
ME: (calling work) Hello? Yeah, I'll be working tonight about 9-10PM.
WORK: Ok. You're expected by then. Bye!

SCENE 2:
About 9:00AM
After promising my sister a movie today...

MA: May I borrow money?
ME: Uh... I only have P2,000 left from my salary...
MA: I'll pay you first week of December. You're brother needs new shoes.
ME: (thinking) He brought his shoes last June. I bought my last pair 4 years ago! (out loud) Um... ok.

Scene 3:
I went to talk to my sis.
ME: Hey, we can't watch a movie today, sorry. I don't have money left for movies. Ma borrowed my money.
SIS: I was planning to get a pierce for my right ear!
ME: You can do it some other time.
SIS: But I need a companion. Oh well.. ok. It's up to you...

Scene 4:
I had a brilliant idea of borrowing VCD's instead and just watch them at home so I can still sleep before going to work. So my sis and I went to the nearest video rental shop, then bought some snacks for my parents and my sibs. I told myself I can watch until 5PM and I can sleep until 8PM.

Scene 5:
About 2:45PM
We got home.
ME: Pa, we bought snacks for us!
PA: Good.

I turned on the TV when suddenly...
PA: I'll be watching wrestling at 3PM.
ME: (really irritated because I seldom watch TV due to my anti-social schedule at work) You could have told me so we could have watched a movie instead. I have to return the VCD tomorrow!
PA: I did not get to watch wrestling because your mom watched Miss Earth and I was waiting for it the whole week.
ME: (thinking sarcastically) How could I rob the poor fellow of his wrestling match if it means the whole world to him? Oh well, if I'm used to NOT watching TV, why not give in now? I mean, I only watch the 30-minute "Sex and the City" a week and I missed that for the last two weeks too, so why not just go to sleep instead?

Stupid to argue. So, I turned off the TV and locked myself in our room. My stomach was not willing to take any food after that (I'm hungry now. Sheesh.) and I never realized how bad I felt until I got to "talk" to him.

Scene 6:
About 3:30PM
ME: (ranting) blah... blah... blah...
HIM: Why not talk to him and tell him how you feel?
ME: I couldn't talk to him. He's feeling sensitive nowadays (long story why) and he is wallowing in self-pity right now. Why tell him a piece of my mind? He might think I don't love him or something. (I think this self-pity thing has something to do with getting old.)
HIM: Ok. Then don't talk to him.
ME: Sorry for unloading my problems to you. It's that I don't have someone to talk to right now... and I don't feel understood at all. I mean, I'm doing everything for them. The fact that I am sacrificing my rest day just to do OT is for them. The fact that I go to work everyday even if I don't like my job at all. It's an awful feeling, you know.
(That's when my tear glands decided to produce a fluid that would lubricate my eyes and make them puffy and ugly. Then I realized I miss him and I want to be with him that time. We see each other only about once a week or sometimes once in two weeks.)
ME: (changing subject) I miss you. Do you miss me too? How was your day? Oh, please call me about 8PM so I'll wake up on time.
HIM: Sure, I'll call you.
ME: (thinking) Aba! Deadma and beauty ko! (out loud) Are you busy? I'm sorry for disturbing you. I know you don't miss me but it's just I'm feeling low right now...
HIM: (a bit irritated) There you go again! Why are you like that? Thinking I don't love you or miss you. Why would you feel insecure?!
ME: I am insecure because you make me feel insecure. You tell me you love me, care for me and miss me. All I have are just words. I don't feel them. Sorry maybe I just need someone to notice me right now. Alam kong KSP ako. Naglalambing lang naman ako sayo eh! Ok, goodnight!

I just wanted to be cared for and be loved and be missed coz I know I haven't felt those lately in my life. Is it a sin to ask for actions rather than words?

CUT!
I hope life's as easy as cutting the scene when you can't handle it already, but life goes on...
A Robot?

I took an 8-hour IT Basics class yesterday which started two hours after my Friday shift. I was awake for about 24 hours already. I was not able to watch TV last night since I slept after I got home. (I already missed two episodes of "Sex and the City". Darn.) Then I woke up earlier with a message on my phone requesting me to rending OT later tonight. I plan to attend the moot today. But due to financial reasons and parental constraints, I will spend my day sleeping so I can go to work later tonight. Let's see how my supposed "rest day" ends.

Sometimes, I feel like a machine. I just hope my I don't run out of batteries.

Tough life.

Friday, November 28, 2003

DREAMER
(Submissive Introvert Abstract Feeler )

Karen Kristie: DREAMER
Like just 11% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex.

Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you're a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver.
Low call volume due to Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.

Happy Turkey Day!

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Realization

In this life, sometimes it is not enough to have the talent, skill, intelligence, determination, great personality... One needs attractive physical features in order to get what one wants. It's not a surprise that because of awe, most people can bend to one's will if one has a very appealing outer shell... err... covering.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I wonder what beauty would be like if all of us are blind.

--------------------

To sensitive people like me, it is not unusual for one very happy moment to suddenly turn into one of the saddest moments in my life in just a few seconds.

I don't like the feeling. But I can't help it.

--------------------

I am so insecure. I don't have any reason to be, do I?

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Breaking Walls

Sometimes when you want a person to change, a bad habit for example, it's not good to always notice and make that person face all the negative things he has done. Sometimes, the key is to focus on that person's good side and see what happens.

I just wanted to be sincere. I knew he was having difficulties adjusting his life. I knew he is aware of what he did wrong and I knew he is sorry for that. But he can't seem to set his priorities straight. I told him he should know what's important and what means a lot to him.

I was mad at him yesterday. So what I did was enumerate all his weaknesses and all the hurt that he has caused. I just wanted him to know what he's doing. Then he told me he's sorry. But we've been there before. He's sorry. Then what? He'll end up doing it again.

Like I said, I just wanted to be honest. Maybe the tactic was not to show his face all the negative things he did. Without knowing it at first, I made him realize that he is a good man. Maybe not all people know him as I do. Maybe not all people found something in him that is worth taking a risk for. People can change if they want to. It's all about making wise decisions.

It was just an honest-to-goodness, heartfelt compliment he may never have heard before from anyone in his life. But it brought tears to his eyes. Then I knew, I tugged a string in his heart. And I'm glad.
Bored, so here goes:

HASH(0x86f7dd8)
Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, November 24, 2003

Upper left wisdom tooth erupting. Tender gums. Very painful process.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Nearly through re-reading "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban". I just wanted to refresh my memory to get ready for the movie next year (since I just finished re-reading "The Lord of the Rings:The Return of the King" too for the premiere next month.)

And...

I think I'm falling in love with Professor Remus J. Lupin a.k.a. Moony.

*sigh*

You're just too good to be true... Can't take my eyes off you...

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Fever

Never know how much I love you, never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear
You give me fever - when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight
Fever - in the the morning, fever all through the night.
Sun lights up the daytime, moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name, and you know I'm gonna treat you right
You give me fever - when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight
Fever - in the the morning, fever all through the night. (Michael Bublé)


No. Not this kind of fever. I think I have the real thing. I have a bad headache too. I'm glad it's weekend already. I can't wait to go home and rest.

Temperature (inner ear): 38 degrees
Celsius

The nurse asked if I wanna go home and rest. I told her there is an hour and a half left in my shift, I don't want to go undertime.

It's not that I am very loyal to my work. During desperate times, sacrifice health for wealth.

Stupid but practical. Practical but stupid. Sheesh.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

I just finished rereading "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King". I swear it gets more interesting with every read. I learn something new everytime that I might not have noted during the last reading. The Arwen-Aragorn story was so touching. I wonder what I'd feel after completely reading the Beren-LĂșthien story.
*sigh*

Now I'm ready for the movie!
Time for Change

Since my sister and I will not be sharing our room anymore with my cousin, uncle and aunt (yes, there were five of us staying in one room before), we made some changes and made our room more personalized. It was a great feeling to re-arrange everything, even the position of the bed. Trash and other stuff not needed were thrown away. The book cabinet was transferred from my bro's room to ours. Everything was spic and span and we had more space. I was tried since we did the cleaning right after I got home from work. But it was worth it.

If some changes can give me more breathing space and make me feel "lighter" and more comfortable, I wonder what other changes do I need to undergo in my life (and in myself)?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Forth Eorlingas!

UP Alpha Sigma Fraternity and The Philippine Tolkien Society present an advance screening of "The Return of the King" on December 22, 7:30pm, SM Megamall, Cinema 3.

See the news at the front page of The One Ring.Net

The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
Let others follow it who can!
Let them a journey new begin,
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet.

~The Road Goes Ever On and On by Bilbo Baggins
Our home is so quiet I can hear my own thoughts.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Moving On

My kid cousin, aunt and uncle arrived today after spending almost a month in Bulacan with my aunt's relatives. My cousin looked taller and he can speak more words now since he'll be three next month. My cousin was hesitant to come inside the house earlier. It was funny. Like he is going in a strange place, but he practically grew up in our house (they arrived from Cebu when he was three months old). They were busy arranging their stuff. The house was noisy again with shouts and screams and laughs. I noticed my parents were happy today. It seems like only a child's presence can make them get out of their "boring and depressing worlds". I mean, imagine having two early adults and a teenager in the house and both of them have no work (my father has retired already). All of us children have practically our own lives to live and problems to face. If I were in their place, I'd find the house boring.

Now, my uncle's family is going back to Cebu tomorrow (ship leaves 3PM) after almost 3 years of staying with us. I'll never witness my cousin grow up to be a school boy. But I know that sooner or later, they have to start their own lives. They can't depend on us forever and I'm pretty sure with my mom's help, my uncle was able to save up for their fresh start in their hometown.

I'm gonna miss them, especially that naughty and smart cousin of mine. I envy them somehow. Finally they have their own "wings" to fly. Scary, but very exciting.
Sweet Dream

Two nights ago, I had a wonderful dream about this guy:


If he looks familiar but you can't remember where you saw him, just click here


I dunno what my subconscious is telling me, but it's been more than a year since I last saw this guy perform live and it's been weeks since I thought about him. I wish I never woke up from that dream. Ok, I admit. He is one of my ultimate crushes aside from Orlando Bloom and Prince William. I also do not know what is it with British men (Orlando Bloom from Canterbury, Kent; Prince William from oh well, we all know who he is; and Mark Feehily from Sligo, Ireland) that turns me on. But I know it is more than just the accent.
Stolen Time

Yesterday, I bought my sister her birthday gift "Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code" by Eoin Colfer, then we spent some time together before going home. We arrived home a bit late and that was the reason why my mom scolded her for waking up late for school earlier today. I don't think I am a bad influence to my sister. I mean, it's not everyday that we go out and spend quality and quantity time together and my sister knows better than to sacrifice school work for unimportant leisure. She knows when to and when not to have fun.

I remembered my own experiences by the way my mom shouted at her this morning. Honestly, I was buried in books during my high school days because of pressure from my parents and I did not enjoy my adolescent stage. I told myself, when I get to college, I will enjoy my life. That did not happen too since I pressured myself to do well in college. I graduated and passed the board exams with a line of 8 average. Look where it led me. I don't think getting an GPA of 3.00 and 1.00 during college makes much of a difference when it comes to getting a decent job here in the Philippines (that statement is based on my personal experience as a B.S. Physical Therapy student).

Now I'm looking at my sister. Her grades are ok since her lowest is 2.75 and highest is 1.25 during the last grading period. My mean, what the heck, in UP, I thank God for getting a passing 3.00! To think she's also taking up B.S. Nursing. It's an in-demand career right now and that means whether you're a cum laude or you barely passed college, as long as you graduate, you will have a job. Period. Then what's the big deal of "robbing" my sis of a few hours of fun times in her teenage years just because of one night not spent studying?!

What I just want to write about is the fact that I don't want my sister to turn out like me-- bitter and discontented. A rebel during early adulthood. My sis also told me that my mom is worried I'll become rebellious once she confronts me about my "secret" relationship. She knows. I'll tell her about it when I'm ready-- when we're ready. (Ready means we both have stable jobs and he can provide for both of us.) But I'm not a "major" rebel, so why worry? Besides, I'm too much of a coward to leave home and start my own life away from home. I don't have the guts and the means-- yet. I am not teaching my sister to rebel against my parents. She is mature enough to decide and she is still a sane and good daughter for my parents. I'm glad. At least one of us is.


Me and my younger sis about 16 years ago
Gifts

It has been months now since I attended the moot for TPTS. Yesterday, I was able to attend one since it's my day off and I have the money to pay for the book I reserved. I was glad I went since I got to meet new people and got to talk with friends I haven't seen for a long time. I was a bit late coz I have to wait for my sis finish her ROTC. It was also my advance birthday treat for her. Turned out I was the one who got a treat. It's always tough attending moots without my friend coz I miss her more when I go alone. Then again, she gave me the best gifts I had this year. They were late birthday gifts for me but I didn't care. Thank you so much. Thanks to you also for keeping them for me. I'm so sorry for the delay.


A Guide to Tolkien by David Day



I got the Legolas and Gimli "The Two Towers" bookmark

Friday, November 14, 2003

I just want to remind myself that I forgot our 8th monthsary (11 November 2003).


So here goes:



Belated Happy 8th Monthsary, Lisse!

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Specs or no specs?


Specs?

I think it's already been a week since I last wore my contact lenses. I never went to see a doctor since the irritation on my eye is gone already. But I'm still hesitant to continue wearing my contacts. I'll give it a week probably then I'll start wearing those again.

It's good that I'm near-sighted at least I don't need those when I'm working in front of the PC. I only have difficulty when I'm already outside the office--- difficulty in recognizing faces from a few meters away, traffic signs, reading words, transportation info, billboards, etc. My mom suggested I wear eyeglasses again. It's been 5 years since I last wore a pair of specs. I don't think I want to look "geeky" again. (It's not that I hate eyeglasses. I think some people are cute wearing eyeglasses. But I don't think it's for me.)


No specs?

I said: "No more brown-eyed girl for you." (I wore brown contact lenses.)
He said: "You're eyes are prettier without the contacts."

*sigh*
vamp
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


"And The Vampire was all that remained on the blood drowned creation. She attempted to regrow life from the dead. But as she was about to give the breath of life, she was consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek) and Isis (Egyptian). The Vampire is associated with the concept of death, the number 9, and the element of fire. Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic individual. You may be a little idealistic, but you are very grounded and down to earth. You realize that not everything lasts, but you savor every minute of the good times. While you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you have strong ties with people that will never be broken. Vampires are the best friends to have because they are sensible.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Waking Life



I watched this interesting movie earlier this afternoon in Star Movies. It's an independent film with a surreal feel. It was cool since the movie was shot first with real actors (look out for Ethan Hawke and Adam Goldberg) and it was turned into animation by a process they call rotoscoping.

It discussed about life (of course), dreams, free-will, freedom, re-incarnation, love, death, time, space, and those things pondered by philosophers then and now. The main character, Wiley, met people telling him their views and opinions during his "journey" in the dream state (but he was not sure if he was in an endless dream state or he was just plain dead). The movie was mind-stirring since I have formulated questions of my own about my own life. And I'm afraid I don't have the answers to these questions too.

--------------------

Matrix: Revolutions



The third and last installment of the movie. In my humble opinion, this is the best of the three. Why? It basically answered all the questions I have from the first and the second movie, so I named it Matrix: Revalations. Hehehe! The effects were really cool. I can't help but think of "Terminator" (machines vs. humans) and "Final Fantasy" (alien-blasting ships) while watching this movie. Of course, the philosophic theme about destiny and choices just added spice to this flick.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

For my friends

I miss my friends. Really.
Wherever you are, thanks for all the memories.
Others may not be included in the pictures but you know who you are.



This is a pic taken during my high school graduation day in the quadrangle of my alma mater, San Sebastian College - Recoletos.



This was taken during our field trip on a beach in Batangas when I was in first year college in the University of the Philippines - Manila.
I think we're ok now. Like I said, there are no issues that cannot be peacefully discussed between two sober minds.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Alcohol 2
(a.k.a. "Love Sucks" Day : more personal version)

This is somewhat a blow by blow account of what transpired in my pathetic love life for the past 24 hours. I was thinking at first to post this in my personal blog instead. But I guess since I'll be telling the truth it won't be a problem in case persons involved in this entry get to read this. I won't be mentioning names anyways. Tagalog words were used to make it more real. Again, if you're not interested to read this, then don't. It's more for my friends out there who I rarely see or talk to. I am also hoping my parents won't get to read this. Hehehe!

I always know when he gets to drink too much just from reading his replies to my text messages. There would always be some "flaws" in his replies that would make me feel like something's not normal. I knew last night he was drinking while he told me to take care on my way to work (about 9:30PM). It's not actually a big deal. I mean, I've been in that situation several times before. We've been together for almost eight months now and I've always had that "detective instinct". Since I'm a Cancer, I always trust my instincts.

So I replied, "Dahan-dahan lang sa pag-inom ha."
He was surprised and asked me why I knew. He tried to deny it at first, but later I learned the culprit was J&B (yeah, that friggin' scotch whiskey). He was with his cousin blah-blah-blah...
Then later there was a missed call from him.
I asked why he made the call. No answer. Maybe he was already asleep.
Like I said, no big deal. I'm used to it.

On the other hand, I got this email from a friend (friend 1) at about 1:30AM. She is having problems with her love life. Another case of one-way street love thing. I told her almost everyone has gone through that stage-- fall in love with someone who does not feel the same way. I've been there dozens of times when I was still studying. But I hope this I'll get to see this friend soon. Coz I know she would want to talk about this. And I miss her.

Then later, I got a text message from another friend (friend 2) at about 3:00AM. She said she's falling head-over-heels in love with someone, but there are some complications. She does not want to fall in love anymore. Then I thought why not meet with friends 1 and 2 so we can talk about these love problems they have. But unfortunately, this friend 2 is busy also and we still don't know when our work schedules would allow us to see each other.

I was thinking what was wrong with this day. Was it "Love Sucks Day"? Then I thought, lucky me. I have someone who loves me.

Morning came, at about 6:30AM I sent him my usual morning message. His head was aching. I thought so. He always gets a bad hang-over after a late night drinking spree. Before I would always be concerned. I used to tell him to sleep some more or drink hot coffee, but now I told him, "Sanay ka na naman dyan eh."

I dunno if that's what started it. Here's our exchange of messages:

ME: What time ka ba uwi mamaya? Kita sana tayo for lunch.
HIM: Sana sinabi mo kahapon pa. (Bakit? Para hindi na sya uminom at umiwas sa hang-over? As if. I just wanna do spontaneous things in our relationship. I think it spices the relationship and it prevents boredom to settle in.)
ME: Sorry ha, ngayon ko lang naman naisip kasi magpapa-check up ako sa doctor ngayon. Pwede pala tayo magkita bago ka man lang umuwi.
HIM: May mga susunod na araw pa naman eh. (This time I was thinking, what the hell, ako na lang ba lagi mag-iinitiate ng dates namin? At ako pa ang weekends lang libre ha.)
ME (in a joking manner): Meron pa ba? Hehehe! *insert smiley face*
HIM: Ewan ko sayo! Bahala ka na nga dyan. Masakit ulo ko.


Then my world suddenly stopped... Maybe for about 5 minutes I was just staring at that reply. I dunno what to do. I did not cry but it hurts so much. (Now, while I'm typing about it, it's making me cry... Or maybe because Avril Lavigne's "Why" is playing on the background right now.)

Then I felt angry.

ME: Wag mong ibunton ang galit sa akin dahil hindi ako ang may kasalanan na may hang-over ka.

No reply. For about 2 hours already, I was waiting for a reply. I thought I'd call him or send him a message. I did not. I do not know what to do.

It's not supposed to hurt this way. I need you, I need you, more and more each day...
I haven't seen Matrix: Revolutions but I just wanted to get into the fever...

You are Neo
You are Neo,
from "The Matrix."
You display a perfect fusion of heroism and compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

--------------------

My Inner Child

My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!


Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

--------------------



You are smart, you are known as
Lil-Miss-Know-It-All..... But sometimes
you could get pretty annoying


Which Harry Potter Character Are You?
by Toffie @ CookieWhore.Net

Friday, November 07, 2003

Alcohol
(And I don't mean isopropyl)

Something happened that's why I suddenly got an urge to write this. If you don't agree with me, I don't care. Don't read. It's my blog and I'm gonna write my opinions if I want to.

I have nothing against drinking alcoholic beverages. But I don't see why there is a need to get drunk and let alcohol affect your mind instead of letting it go down to your stomach. No wonder why, aside from drugs, being drunk is one of the reason why a crime is committed.

It's also a lame excuse when a person who is being convicted in court says he raped his daughter because he was drunk or some sort of bad spirit (spirit of alcohol?) got in his system that made him commit a crime. A**hole. If he was thinking it's manly to drink, why can't he be manly enough and responsible enough to know when to stop?

Some people say they want to drown themselves in alcohol because of problems. I read once in a medical journal that alcohol in the system actually does not help to forget, it helps us remember details. Who would want to enhance their memory of details when you want to forget your problems right? Stupid. No wonder people cry more when drunk(or laugh more or talk more. It depends.)

Sometimes, since a person is not completely aware of what he is saying or doing when drunk, other people get hurt. Maybe because of being tactless (or if you look at it on the other side of the spectrum, truthful). But wouldn't it be better if issues between people were discussed when both of them are sober?
I had only four hours of sleep earlier but spending time with him instead was well worth it. I never thought I missed him a lot until I saw him. Three hours worth of talk over brunch was not enough. I'm hoping to spend more time with him 'coz I don't want to end up singing Avril's "Why" (Are you and me still together? Tell me!). But I know it's going to be tough since he would be busy with his job hunting starting next week. I wish him luck though.

--------------------

I got this irritation in my left eye. The nurse said it was an infection. It's not sore eyes or anything contagious but I stopped wearing my contact lenses for two days now. So, if you see me squinting every now and then, it's just me seeing blurry images from afar. I'm near-sighted (like all my family members).

--------------------

Jesse Bradford

Got home tired and my father gave me this postcard. It was from Jesse Bradford. Well, I don't think it personally came from Jesse. The return address is his fan club address. But honestly, I cannot remember if I wrote him a letter before or checked out his site... I really don't know. But my name and address were correct. I wonder how they got those info. Anyways, I like the guy a lot. Saw some of his movies when he was a kid and I knew that he'd turn out ot be a gorgeous lad. He's not active in making movies but he is in theater. But the coolest part of it was he personally wrote my name on the postcard (with his black and white photo), wrote a dedication, drew a heart and signed it using a silver pen.

*teeny bopper me on the loose!!!*


Jesse Bradford postcard

--------------------

Thank God it's Friday.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Memories

I still continued with the "keeping myself busy" scheme. So what I did today was dig up my old diaries, comprised of three unused and covered notebooks, which contained my life's memories from August of 1992 until March of 1996. The cover has "Secret. For my eyes only" written over it. Hahaha! Very conspicuous!

It was like traveling through time. I can see the change of my handwriting depending on my age and my moods. I realized I "fell in love" hundreds of times before. I also noticed through those years that I have just three wishes in life: (1) to be rich; (2) to lose weight; (3) to be loved in return. I think the first and second wishes, I have yet to fulfill those. But the third wish, I think I know how that feels now. I noticed that I had strong faith in God during those moments in my life--- moments I considered my lowest point in terms of family problems. I called them "The Dark Ages". Hehe! I realized I made a lot of friends and fought with some of them. I also noticed that I really was concerned about getting the first honors in high school just to please my parents and just so they won't break up. I was worried then that I would be a product of a broken home. Imagine how my parents must have felt when I didn't become valedictorian on my fourth and last year. But I'm glad my family is still together until now.

I really am pathetic when it comes to infatuation. I thought every crush I had is the love of my life! I think it's congenital. Blame it on the genes. Hahaha! I wonder what's going on with the lives of these people now. I also got to read my graduation notebook. It's where I kept the messages my batchmates wrote for me just before graduation.

I also found a birthday card made for me by my sister during my 12th birthday. She was six years old then. I laughed and showed it to my bro and parents. They were all teasing her about it especially when she handwrote the lines "I love you all day and also night". It's cute!


The card my sister created for me. Dated July 10, 1993.

I stopped writing on a diary when I started college. I thought it was childish. But since it's a technology-driven world, I found myself blogging over a year ago. So, I guess it isn't childish after all. It's still considered a diary. But this time, it's not secret anymore. Or is it?

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Spot the Difference

During times when I feel sad, I keep myself busy so I won't spend my time crying and listening to sappy love songs. So, I made some changes in my blog. If you look at the right side of your screen, you can see there several minute changes. You may not have noticed them if I had not pointed them out.

Thanks to you for the buttons and for the HTML tips (for the sort-of informal HTML tutorial).

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"Why"
~Avril Lavigne~
Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Monday, November 03, 2003

I went to the bookstore earlier and I realized that I've been missing a lot of stuff lately. There are a lot of great books out there! New books from Paulo Coelho, Anne Rice and Nicholas Sparks! *drool* The main reason why I was browsing for some books was that I wanted to get a birthday present for my sis. Her birthday would be on the 26th, but she was feeling crappy last weekend. I told her I'd pay for her F4 tickets (she's been dreaming of meeting Vic Zhou), but despite that, my mom would not allow her since she went to the last concert (wherein Vic Zhou did not perform). Then we saw dozens of Eoin Colfer's "The Eternity Code" (book three of Artemis Fowl) and she said that book would be a nice gift instead. So, I'm saving up for it.

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I went to work earlier and noticed that some of the homes on our street already have glittering Christmas lights on their windows. Time flies by so fast...

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He thinks I'm mad that's why he is worried. Am I? Maybe I am. I mean, I was lucky if he sent me at least three messages a day. I don't think he missed me as much as I missed him. Quite unexpectedly, he already arrived in Manila from the province. I dunno when I'll be seeing him. Am I looking forward to meeting him? I'm not sure. I was hurt. I'm not making plans. I'll let him formulate a plan for a change.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

It is not a great feeling when you always remember or think of someone, but that someone seldom or never remembers or thinks of you.

Friday, October 31, 2003

It's his son's birthday tomorrow. They will be celebrating it in the province with their relatives. I wonder if he feels awkward being there at the same time knowing that the preparation was done by his older sister and brother-in-law (his son's adoptive parents). Or maybe he is used to it already.

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We are not going to the province since it is too expensive for us to go there for only three short days. It's been about seven years since I've stepped on Iloilo or Bacolod City soil. As usual, we will just light some candles and pray for our dead loved-ones. Then maybe my father can cook some "special food" tomorrow (food that always reminds us of our Lola's cooking). We'll see...

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Remember that former elementary classmate I met at Friendster? I think he just ignored my message and my "application" to be his "friend". That's okay. I cancelled the invite I sent. I don't bother with people who does not want to be bothered. Hah! (But it could have been nice if we got to communicate again.) Oh well. We can't get everything we want.
HAPPY




HALLOWEEN!!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Friendster

I created an account there due to insistent public demand in my workplace. It seems like everyone at work is connected to this site. I thought what the heck, it's just another internet friendly thingy, so why not. Unlike some people I am not that addicted. I don't make it a goal to reach 500 friends. I just wanted to keep in touch with friends and acquaintances since the world is an ever-changing place and who knows, I may not see some of my friends in person again. It's always nice to keep in touch.

Then one idle hour, I searched the gallery using the names of some people I remember from school way, way back in my high school and elementary days. I was surprised, a little shocked and excited when the name of my former crush in grade two came out. Imagine, grade two! I last saw him in 1989. Then I browsed his profile. I knew it was him. Let's see if he can still remember me.

Anyways, I also found another long lost friend and I hope he agrees to be "friends" with me.

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Another bout of OPM...

IKAW LANG ANG MAMAHALIN
Joey Albert (Louie Ocampo/Joey Albert)

Sa bawat pag-ikot ng ating buhay
May oras na tayo'y kailangang maghiwalay
Puso'y lumaban man, walang magagawa
Saan pa, kailan ka muling mahahagkan

Kulang man sa 'tin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin

Puso'y lumaban man walang magagawa
Saan pa, kailan ka muling mahahagkan

Kulang man sa 'tin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin


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Waaaah!

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Radio's fine. It helps me forget for awhile. I look back and recall those days I had with you. Sometimes I need a friend just to make it through. Another day spent without you. You gave me all the reasons to live. Then you had to go and I just got to let you know. It's hard to love again just to make it through another day spent without you. ~"To Love Again", Sharon Cuneta

Now I'm singing OPM songs. This just means I am getting more pathetic everyday. That and those disturbing dreams I'm having these past few days. I don't know what's wrong with me...

Maybe because Halloween is near. Hahaha!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Scattered Thoughts

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is being taken for granted. Especially from someone whom you are willing to sacrifice your life for.

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Accepting a person means you also have accepted his/her past. Even if that person's past includes the fact that he/she will not give you 100% of his/her time and attention. But you have to live with that.

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I think I am going to accept a friend's invitation to watch a movie. It's been a long time since we talked. I know he is a bit jealous of this friend but what the heck, that friend is gay. I don't think that friend is a threat. Hahahaha! And I want to have fun even if he's not around...

Oktoberfest?! Heehee!

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I think I'm getting the hang of this change at work... I hope I'll survive 'til the end of this year... I still feel tired whenever I get home after work.

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I miss your love, since you've been gone. I find it hard to go on. The summer skies don't mean a thing. I thought I'd always be strong. I got a feeling inside and it's making my heart cry 'coz I'm missing you... and it's making me blue yeah. I'm missing you. What can I do, I'm thousand miles away from you... ~"Missing You", Meja

Monday, October 27, 2003

Changes

Changes are actually inevitable. Sometimes we can change things in our lives but sometimes we cannot. We would have to accept those things we cannot change.

At work for example, I already have a new schedule. This will last until the end of the year. I'll be starting my shift at 9:30PM-6:30AM Manila time. That means I will be under another supervisor (I am definitely going to miss my previous team!). Then I just found out that I will be handling a different type of call! I think I need a refresher course since I forgot some stuff after about 3 months of taking another type of call. I hope I can handle this...

Another change is the fact that I won't be seeing him until the 2nd week of November. I hate the feeling. I really miss him a lot now. It's so depressing...

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Got something from a friend through email yesterday. I liked it a lot so I thought of posting it in my blog. It's nice to think that there is someone out there who feels this way...

Just Look Inside
~Anonymous

If you ever wonder about the man in your life... you may want to look inside. Look inside. To see a different side of a man.

Look inside. Realize that he can and does feel for you something different, something special. He wakes up in the morning, and you're the first thing on his mind. If he could call you right then and there, he would. When he sees you, his heart leaps. Not just the first time, not just when you're "alone", but every time. Every time he meets you, it's as if his whole world has been renewed. It doesn't matter if it's raining, or sunny, snowing, pleasant, or dreary. You make the rain tender, the sun warmer, the snow caressing, a dreary day funny, and a pleasant day perfect. Without you, his days would have no meaning. Of course, you say, "But there could be another." He says, "There isn't another. You are the only one..." He brings you flowers. Not so you'll like him more, or so you'll give him a kiss, but because he simply loves to make you happy. To see that smile on your face. Though you never knew it, it took him four months to get the courage to ask you out. Yes, he was nervous, scared. All guys are. While they try to seem tough and insensitive-deep down asking a girl out is the hardest thing in the world. And it's only that hard because of you. You just had to be so perfect, so beautiful that his fear of rejection became overwhelming. And the day you said "sure" was the best day of his life.

Look inside. Sometimes you find something that you weren't looking for. Though he won't admit it, he'd much rather cuddle with you in front of the TV for an evening than go out with the guys (well most of the time). When you hold his hand, when he holds yours, it's the best feeling in the world. And when he sees you hurt or crying, it's ripping his heart in two. Deep down, he's a romantic. He'd love to sing you songs, but he just doesn't have the voice. He'd love to take you on a moonlit walk down the
beach, but he has to settle for a stroll in the park. He wishes he could bring you a dozen roses every day, but his wallet just won't let him. Making you happy is his main goal in life. Some would say that a guy like this is not a man. He is too sensitive, too weak. But I say, for all the reasons on this page, that these things are precisely what make him a man. And your existence alone has already completed his life. You are not aware of it, but he cherishes each and every moment with you as if it could be his last. Because, deep down, he is afraid that you may just decide to leave. And that is his biggest fear. And if you did leave, this man would cry. Each second with you completes him. Whether you're walking together somewhere, cuddling on a chair, skiing the slopes, sharing an ice cream cone. No matter what it is you are doing, it makes him completely happy just to be with you.

Look inside. It is often surprising. The little things are what he cherishes most. When he gets to brush your hair, when you accidentally (or perhaps on purpose) brush fingertips. When you call unexpectedly, just to say hi. He lives for these moments. He would, if given the chance, die for you. This may seem ridiculous, but he would gladly give anything and all for you.

Just look inside. And you may find something worth holding onto. Now, just look around... because this guy is out there. Right now, at this very second, he is thinking of you. You may or may not know who he is. It may be your boyfriend, your best "guy friend", or it could be someone you've never met. All the same, someday all he'll want to do is make you happy.

Look inside. I've loved and been loved. I've hurt and been hurt. This is life. But believe me, true love still exists. All you have to do is look for it. I know I do... each and everyday... and to the girl I have not yet found, simply -- I love you.

Look inside.


*sigh*

Friday, October 24, 2003

As Usual
Warning: Rants ahead

Earlier today I was contemplating on posting a rare entry in this blog. (I am aware that this blog is full of angst most of the time. Writing is my outlet-- it's how I let go of my feelings.) Rare in the sense that I want to express how I felt happy in the past couple of days. Despite the fact that I am getting tired of work (and it shows on the number of times I arrived late), I am still grateful of the presence of my family who loves me unconditionally. Plus the fact that I have friends out there (although I am not seeing them often) who still cares. And of course a special person who loves me in spite of my imperfections.

However, before I got to work, I realized that again, what I wanted could not happen. He is going to leave for the province and the next time I'll see him would be in November. That's why I was deciding to meet him tomorrow after work. Of course, I have to be home before dark since my parents would be worried. But he has to run an errand tomorrow morning. Then I just realized that another fact of life slapped me in the face: "You can't get everything you want."

I just remembered a line from one of my favorite books which goes something like "If you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it" (Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist"). But I don't think this was reason enough to be bitchy. You see, I got irritated with my father before I left home, since I was in a foul mood at that time, I just snapped at him. It was not his fault, I know. That's why I'm so mad at myself I cried on my way to work. I feel so rotten.