Friday, January 31, 2003
I'll be getting actual calls today.
Next week, I'll be reporting from 6AM to 3PM and guess what?! On Thursday and Friday, I'll be reporting for work from 12 midnight to 9AM!!!
I need my vampire personality now to help me last the night.
I need blood.
JRR Tolkien's son dies
The eldest son of The Lord of the Rings author JRR Tolkien has died at the age of 85. Father John Tolkien, heir to the multi-million family estate, died after a 50-year career with the Catholic church in the Midlands. Our sympathies go out to the Tolkien family.
Why are so many people dying nowadays?
Tis a busy week. I'm going to start taking actual calls today. With a partner of course since it's just our "nesting period" and I don't think I can handle that yet. I am so scared.
I couldn't believe I told him what I felt last night. Remember the know-it-all guy I was angry with? I just told him that he has an attitude that wards off people. That he has a mind more incomprehensible than that of a woman's. That one time he's such a nice and friendly guy, the next thing he has this i-am-an-intellectual attitude that makes other people feel stupid. Of course he has reasons and replies for all of my "accusations". Like he is not a good conversationalist, that people tell him that all the time, that he has this ego with the size of a peanut who plans to take over the world, but is immature to do so. Egotistic-- that's his term (not mine). Glad he understood me (he must be getting that lotsa times) and glad I got this off my chest. Truly, a human being is difficult to understand.
I have this wicked plan of revenge... Mwahahahahahahaha! No, not with this guy. I think telling him what I felt is enough. I can't change a person if they don't want to. The revenge is for this person who broke me into pieces before and made a small part of me numb. He is the reason why I don't trust men too much. No, it would not be an I'll-kill-you revenge. I won't do the same thing as he did. It's not revenge in the all essence of the word. I'll do it my way. Too bad it's just a "cyber torture", not the real thing. THAT's innocent enough. Mwahahahahaha!
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
I had my "bum days" after graduation. It was during those times that I miss being busy. I was staying at home, hanging out in front of the TV or PC. I used to say that I would love to experience days that are productive for me. I long for days that just pass by without me waiting for time and at the same time, knowing that I did something useful or meaningful. I wanted to have a certain pace in my life. I wanted a predictable schedule.
Now, when I come to think of it, I am experiencing THAT moment. Days are now passing by and I don't even realize it. Feels like I'm left behind. Too many things to do, too little time for myself or my family or even sleep. Gawd!!! I miss sleeping for looong hours!!! I wake up and half of the day has passed and I'm wondering where has the past week gone to. I barely see my siblings since they're asleep when I get home and they have left for school when I wake up. We just communicate through SMS... can you believe that?! My parents are always worried everytime I go home (past midnight). I have about a dozen unread books in my bookshelf. I rarely get to watch TV and I don't know what's happening around me. I miss watching movies and it's not like to to be unaware of new trailers in cinemas. I need more time-- like 26 hours a day. I feel like a robot. But then this is what I wanted, right?
I'm juggling them all. I'm just glad I have no other responsibility like my own family (husband and kids) or even a boyfriend. I dunno what I'm going to do if I have those additional stuff to juggle.
Next week, I'll be reporting for work from 6AM to 3PM. Now, I'm gonna compare what it's like. Will I have more or "my day" if I took that schedule? Unfortunately, I have already chosen a graveyard (night) shift for my actual call-taking. I just can't get myself to wake up that early if I'm used to waking up past 10 in the morning. The shift I chose is from 10PM to 7AM. At least I go home watching the sun as it rises, going against traffic since everyone is going to work and I'm going home. It's just my preference but that schedule might still change. I just hope that I'll get to do some things for myself next week.
It's so sad that this could happen to a young girl like her. To think I was having a discussion (a debate, actually) about life and death with someone last night before going to sleep. Then I woke up with this news. Life is truly unpredictable.
Janet Hung : We will be missing your presence online and offline. May you rest in peace.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
You are orange. You are emotional. Outside, you are bitter and stubborn, inside you are hopeful, hoping someone will come save you from the bitterness of your own mind. You constantly feel the need to prove yourself, and you look up to those who can make thier dreams happen. You are broken, but not beyond repair like maroon.
What inner color are you?
Thank you for the quizzes! But I never liked orange. I'm a purply person.
What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty, right?
Monday, January 27, 2003
I just wanna say that the people who represented The Philippine Tolkien Society did a great job during their guesting in the local radio station, NU 107. Thanks Rashbold, Ian, Data and Glen. Thanks also NU 107.
I got a barrage of messages asking about TPTS so the group is expecting at least a double in the number of members after that guesting on air and nationwide!
I learned a lot from the guests just by listening, espcially from Rashbold. I also wanna say "I miss you more" to Laurice, my group's moderator who is now in Chicago and who is also the moderator of TPTS. I can still remember when TPTS was still starting.
I'm so proud to be a member.
I may not be the perfect daughter.
But nobody can replace you--
The world's best father!
The rhyming sucks but this all I could think of after that previous entry drained my brain. But still, I wish my father good health and more years to come.
Sunday, January 26, 2003
I have to write this down or I'll burst. I'm missing you more now since only you can relate with me. I am soooo pissed off I am trying to stop myself from punching the wall and crying in front of this damn PC.
I will try my best to remember the exact exchange of messages we had so I could share this clearer. Some may not be the exact words since I can't remember them. I'll just try to rephrase them. If YOU, yes YOU, the person I'm referring to, get to read this, I hope you will understand my point of view and how your way of giving me "advice" really hurt my feelings.
It all started when I, trying hard to be a nice friend and a proud TPTS member, sent him a message telling him about TPTS at NU tomorrow. Then...
HIM: Do you know "The Lost Road"? What style of poem is the "Lay of Turin"
ME: I know it's one of the books in History of Middle-earth series. Not sure what number though. I dunno what type of poem it is. You might wanna ask it tomorrow or I could post that question in the group if you want.
HIM: It's okay. I know that. I've been studying Tolkien since I was six. ... Blah blah blah...
ME: (getting pissed off) Why ask me then if you know? So I guess you know "The Lost Road".
HIM: It basically covers the story of Iluvatar, Valinore... blah blah blah...
(Um, I think it's Valinor, not Valinore.)
ME: (really mad) Then why bother asking me?! Seems like you're the expert here.
HIM: I just wanna test your mettle. I'm no expert... Blah blah blah...
(This moment, I can't remember everything anymore since this was the time I wanna kill somebody.)
ME: Like I told you, I'm just a newbie in Middle-earth. I don't even know Tolkien or Middle-earth existed before a friend introduced it to me and PJ sparked my interest.
HIM: You must have read CS Lewis then.
ME: Nope. I might read "The Chronicles of Narnia" but I have no time yet. And besides, Middle-earth is a vast area to cover and it's only been two years since I was exposed to it.
HIM: Narnia is a kid's book! Try reading blah blah blah (something about space travel, can't remember exactly). Now, THAT's a great book!
ME: Sorry. I'm just a kid in fantasyland. I'm didn't even like fantasy before LOTR. I guess I have to stay in my newbie place in Middle-earth and just be thankful PJ made movies about it.
(Then he started to lecture me about Middle-earth...)
HIM: I bet you haven't even heard of Atalantea.
ME: (Grrrrrrr!) Just give me time. You started when you were six. I was twenty one when I saw the movie. I think I can cover it. Just give me time. I have a lifetime ahead of me. I just hope that the spark of interest on Tolkien's Middle-earth is still there.
(And with Tolkien enthusiasts like YOU around, I don't think I can last that long.)
HIM: You can't! Middle-earth is just a beginning. Tolkien has covered more things than that. Some of his books were even futuristic... Blah blah blah...
ME: Then I guess I have to start from the beginning since I'm clearly not an expert in the subject yet.
HIM: I just don't want you to be like those screaming girls who just think LOTR is limited to The War of the Ring.
ME: I can scream but I'm not like that. I'm starting on "The Silmarillion" now. I got other HoME books but I haven't completed it yet, also "Unfinished Tales". It's just that I'm too slow in reading since I have to consult "The Atlas of Middle-earth" when I read "The Silmarillion".
HIM: WHAT? WHY? Don't be sarcastic...
(We've been exchanging messages for as long as I can remember and he's not even sure if I'm sarcastic or not. Some people can be sooo dense I want to slice them into thin pieces!)
(I can't seem to find a slicing smiley, so a placed a punching smiley instead.)
ME: I'm NOT sarcastic. It's just a good book to be around to help out newbies like me. (insert smiley face)
HIM: Watch out for Luthien! And I hate Liv Tyler's portrayal of Arwen! Blah blah blah...
(Now I know God is good. We actually agreed on one thing, I can't believe it!)
ME: Welcome to the I-hate-movie-Arwen club. I like Luthien enough to change my nick from Eowyn to Luthien. Though I don't know that much about her, the fact that Mrs. Tolkien inspired the creation of her character is reason enough.
HIM: Beren and Luthien are the first elf-mortal lovers even before Elassar and Arwen Undomiel.
(DUH? I know that!)
ME: I think Beren and Luthien were mentioned in the ROTK Appendices, so I have an idea who they were... What poem did you mention before?
HIM: Lay of Turin, slayer of Glaurungthe Gold. Son of Hurin, friend of Gondolin.
ME: Thanks soooo much! (insert smiley face.)
(I bet when we're talking face to face, my face would hurt from putting on a plastic smile.)
HIM: His story is the best epic before Boewulf.
ME: I know people in TPTS who can relate to you in that matter. Boewulf was one of our topics before.
(Then he still continued asking me some questions but I didn't reply.)
Oh God, writing helps a lot.
I don't know why there are people who think that since they started learning about a certain thing or literature earlier, they think they know everything and other people have no right to know what they know. Literature in general is not for a chosen few. It's for everyone to enjoy. But not all have the same exposure to it. Not all will learn and experience what YOU learned or experienced. When you think YOU're so high-and-mighty and expert in these topics coz other people don't know as much as YOU do, think again. Maybe YOU have a vast knowledge about everything, but YOU sure have a CLOSED MIND!
I just met half of the day today. In other words, I was asleep the whole morning. Yes, I'm trying to let myself get used to my 3pm to 12 midnight shift next week, but the main reason why I was asleep for a long time was yesterday.
Saturdays are supposed to be my rest days during the past few weeks, but I had to go to work and take the exam. We were there for almost six hours. My eyes were strained due to being in front of the PC for a so long. But glad I passed the third exam. One exam left before I take actual calls two weeks from now.
We decided to watch a movie after that. "One Hour Photo" in G4. I was with a friend since some of my officemates were either too tired, too sleepy or too skeptical about the film. Someone said it's dragging, but then the movie buff in me always believed that I have to watch the movie first before I form my own opinion about it. Besides, the poster was saying "It's Robin Williams' best performance yet..." and I've always admired the actor.
I must say that it was not a feel-good-after-the-exam movie. It's one of those that creates a heavy feeling in me. A movie that will just disturb my mind and make me think and analyze. I loved it. It was simple and not dragging at all since the story was so unpredicatable. My friend and I kept on guessing what would happen next. Most importantly, it had a lesson to tell. We were supposed to eat after the movie but my mom beckons. So, amidst all the bright lights, tempting stores and happy-looking people around me, I had to head for home.
I just placed my bag on the bed and we left again. This time, my parents and I went to Luneta (Rizal Park) to bring stuff needed by my sister. She was having her overnight there (a requirement from her Catholic high school), together with thousands of other people to celebrate the Fourth World Meeting of Families. My family loves the Pope. My father saw His Holiness when he last went here on World Youth Day. It's sad since I wasn't able to see him. But my mom told me that I already saw him when he and Imelda Marcos went to Bacolod City (my place of birth) and I was just seven months old then. She said that my dad held me up as he blessed the people. I think in more ways than one, I am blessed.
As expected, it was crowded and not that fancy compared to the mall I've been too. But I like the feeling of being in a historical event, with people gathering together for a common cause. People from all walks of life were there-- the rich, the poor and the people in between. There were a lot of volunteer students, policemen and medics. It was a nice feeling-- a combination of vulnerability but comfort at the same time. I just hated the moment when a group of young hippies were lined in front of us in the entrance and they were blowing out their filthy smoke on us, the volunteers and other people in line. This one volunteer just covered her nose. My dad (a former smoker himself) told him to put out his cigarette, but the guy in front of me wont listen. Since I easily get irritated with cigarette smoke, I told him, "Kung gusto mong mag-yosi, lunukin mo ang usok mo at wag mo kaming idamay kung gusto mong magpakamatay." (If you want to smoke a cigarette, swallow your smoke and don't involve us if you wanna kill yourself.) He put out his cigarette after that.
My stomach was grumbling after we met up with my sis, so we bought boiled corn and sat on one of the park benches. There were a lot of people camping and sleeping on the ground but we noticed the group of children beside us. Two were asleep, two were lying down on the ground and the other one was sitting, watching over her siblings. After asking some questions (my mom and I are nosy people Hehehe!), I learned that the oldest child there was a seven-year old girl. With her are four younger brothers and a 5-month old niece. Imagine a girl as young and as scrawny as that little girl with a niece and a huge responsibility to watch over her siblings. She told us she has eight other siblings. My heart was just touched when my mom gave her half-eaten corn to them and the oldest girl shared it with her brothers. I got up and bought them popcorn. After they finished eating, the younger boy told us that he was already full. So my mom told them to drink water and go to sleep. Their mother, older brother and older sister are somewhere in the park selling candies and other stuff for their income.
I got home exhausted. I've been to the extremes that day-- the rich and happy-looking people in Makati and the not-so-rich in Luneta. After that, I feel so ashamed for having complained that life was so unfair for me. Now, I will still complain... LIFE IS SO UNFAIR! This time, it's not for me, but for them.
Saturday, January 25, 2003
I can't sleep. I found this webpage. Then I saw my predicament in this powerful quote:
"One learns in life to keep silent and draw one's own confusions."
~~~Cornelia Otis Skinner
"Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out.
I laugh myself to sleep it's my lullabye..."
~Avril Lavigne, "Anything But Ordinary"
I can't believe a former schoolmate (when I was in High School) was there in the flesh! I really, really envy her for having a career that is her passion, being with the famous, gorgeous and oh-so-talented people and earning big bucks at the same time. She was there. She is getting popular now. She's mingling with the stars forgodssakes!!! She was in the finale of the program and she sang with none other than those yummy British lads BLUE!!! I am seaweed-green with envy!!! To think she was once performing during school programs and singing the National Anthem. She wasn't my classmate but we graduated together. She wasn't even able to finish college yet. Some people are just lucky!
The Big "C"
I have always been one of the boys since as long as I can remember. I am no girly gal. No frills, no skirts (unless I need to), no high heels (unless I wanna look taller). Reaching my twenties made me realize that I need to be one and act one. I started wearing light makeup and all that, but still, my "boyish" side dominates. I still have a backpack even if it doesn't suit my business attire. I'm not a lesbian though I know a pretty girl when I see one. But then I always ask myself if her butt is nicer than mine or wish I could wear that kind of blouse or wonder if I could get away with that get-up. I am sure I got female hormones coz they come rushing in whenever a cute (or drop-dead-gorgeous) guy is around. Yes, I am anatomically and psychologically female.
I have also been single for as long as I can remember. My choice and also for a lack of better choices. The world has a shortage of men, and I mean real men. I have decided that I won't settle for anything less unless I found someone who may not be perfect for others, but is perfect for me. Someone who feels just right. Valentines is just around the corner. Actually, I don't really care since it's just an ordinary day for me and maybe for most single people out there. But then that's why it was a topic during one of our girly talks. Somebody asked me what I would do if a friend falls for me and I have no deeper feeling for that person except for friendship. That made me think for a while. Honestly, I dunno the answer. I'll cross the bridge when I get there I suppose, since I have not experienced that yet and I was in a situation quite opposite to that one before. (Read: I fell for a friend once and never had the guts to tell him. We're still friends now. Although I had a really tough and confusing time before, I'm glad my feelings faded. Guess it was not love after all.)
Then another person asked me what if my crush started to like me. That would be great! But then I have a feeling that it might come true somehow (I'm only approximately 30% sure because I have this crush whose dropping really subtle hints. Hahahaha!). I got scared. I was asked what if my crush started to court me seriously. I am idealistic and I want a sincere and committed courtship and relationship but then, I hesitated. Dang! I dunno why but I paused for a long time and really thought about it. Why was I so unsure? I mean, after ALL these yearssss of being single and available, I'd grab the chance to be with someone. Yes, I would love the thought of someone caring for me or making me feel special in more ways than one... BUT (yeah, there's a "BUT"), I can't imagine me devoting myself to one person. Am I scared of commitment? Am I worried that I won't have enough time for myself, my family and friends? Am I destined to be single forever? Maybe I just don't wanna give up my being single yet since I'm quite enjoying its perks. Or maybe this thing needs some getting-used-to.
Oh well, don't wanna think about it now. Let me just bury it in one of the deep recesses in my mind then just dig for it again if my 30% certainty goes to a 100%. Whatdyathink?
Friday, January 24, 2003
Which Poem Are You? made by Lucky
This is so true.
Confusion. Pretension. I create a wall around me-- a shell for a typical crab. I keep everything inside. I look for a place where I can be comfortable-- where I can be who I wanna be. I am trapped in my own world. I don't even know who I really am.
As a member of The Philippine Tolkien Society, I would like to invite you to tune in to the local radio station NU 107 on 27 January, Monday, 7:30AM Philippine time. Members of TPTS will be special guests there and people can call in and ask the TPTS members about any questions they have relating to The Lord of the Rings.
For those people outside of the Philippines, you can listen online at NU 107's website. Be sure to adjust your time when you tune in.
Hehehehe! I'm just excited although I won't be there. Too bad I'll miss my chance to be "popular". Actually, I'm available on Monday at that time since work starts at 3PM. I wonder if I could sneak in...
I would like to that a very dear friend for making me a new template for my comment box. Love the colors! Thanks so much!
Thursday, January 23, 2003
Yesterday, a friend told me that the society was mentioned in a radio station, NU 107, in one of their discussions relating to LOTR. They got questions and somebody mentioned guesting someone TPTS whom people can ask questions from. So, I asked the group if they got any ideas about this and fortunately, one of the members know people from that radio station. Good thing was, the radio station agreed to guest people from TPTS on Monday (27 January)! That is so exciting! Too bad I couldn't be there to listen since I got work. But I am still glad. Then I learned that I got an officemate who is into Sci-fi/fantasy too. She's a Trekkie and a member of Via Astris (org for Star Trek fans). Cool huh?
WHAT'S IN YOUR NAME?
YOU'D BE SURPRISED!
Recent studies by name societies disclosed that names influence character and do have a definite bearing upon one's life path. letters carry their own energy patterns relating to personality traits and needs. Name analysis using letter qualities is called ACROPHONOLOGY. This analysis of your name is a brief summary of the hidden meanings found within the letters of your own name.
NAME ANALYSIS FOR: Karen Kristie Pedres Sumortin
You have good recuperative abilities and strong mental determination. You are very private and dislike others prying into your affairs. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. There is a compulsion for change and rebirth on all levels. There is a need to guard your health. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.
You don't fair well under inharmonious conditions. You are very peace loving. You can get very upset when you are frustrated. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You have a discriminating nature coupled with perseverance and family pride. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You have a need to earn money to prove your success to society and must learn the true value of material gains and status.
You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. You are always involved with projects and things to do. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You need to learn faith in place of fear. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Two more to go. Two more difficult ones.
Got the name of my crush at work. I've had about five crushes before with the same name.
Even got his pic from our mugshots. Anyone interested, just email me. Hahahaha!
I have never gone past the silly-schoolgirl-infatuation stage. I wonder why. Is it because of my idealistic nature?
I have always believed in the saying "Aim for the sky and you'll fall on the roof. Aim for the roof and you'll fall on the floor." Someone once told me that we all have set standards for us to follow. In everything, we have a standard. It's a basis for comparison. It screens all things before our senses consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously absorbs them. It's an effort to set a quality or a level of priority for all things seen, heard, touched, smelled, tasted and felt. Sometimes, we meet this standard or even unexpectedly exceed it. But there are times when we fail to reach it. We either get disappointed or we get to accept it and settle for something less.
Will I settle for second best when I know that the best is still out there for me to achieve? But how can I be so sure that the best out there is really for me?
I have always been the moody type. After a hard day's work, traffic, rush hour, failed plans, cancelled meetings, major exams and a VERY long walk in a high-heeled shoes, the last thing I need is for someone NOT to acknowledge my feelings. Ignore me on other days or on other instances but not now. I am a very sensitive person. The least I could ask is a little sensitivity for me. I'm also human. I get pissed off.
I feel empty again. I feel sad. I can't pinpoint what exactly triggered it, but I have a vague idea why. It's one of those days when I just stare at nowhere and have an urge to squeeze those tear ducts for no apparent reason at all.
Someone I hardly know sent me this message last night. Just a thought I might need to ponder on.
"It isn't true that nobody loves you nor likes you. The truth is, you're just blind to see it and numb to feel it because you're busy doing other things with your childish illmanners."