I can't believe a former schoolmate (when I was in High School) was there in the flesh! I really, really envy her for having a career that is her passion, being with the famous, gorgeous and oh-so-talented people and earning big bucks at the same time. She was there. She is getting popular now. She's mingling with the stars forgodssakes!!! She was in the finale of the program and she sang with none other than those yummy British lads BLUE!!! I am seaweed-green with envy!!! To think she was once performing during school programs and singing the National Anthem. She wasn't my classmate but we graduated together. She wasn't even able to finish college yet. Some people are just lucky!
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The Big "C"
I have always been one of the boys since as long as I can remember. I am no girly gal. No frills, no skirts (unless I need to), no high heels (unless I wanna look taller). Reaching my twenties made me realize that I need to be one and act one. I started wearing light makeup and all that, but still, my "boyish" side dominates. I still have a backpack even if it doesn't suit my business attire. I'm not a lesbian though I know a pretty girl when I see one. But then I always ask myself if her butt is nicer than mine or wish I could wear that kind of blouse or wonder if I could get away with that get-up. I am sure I got female hormones coz they come rushing in whenever a cute (or drop-dead-gorgeous) guy is around. Yes, I am anatomically and psychologically female.
I have also been single for as long as I can remember. My choice and also for a lack of better choices. The world has a shortage of men, and I mean real men. I have decided that I won't settle for anything less unless I found someone who may not be perfect for others, but is perfect for me. Someone who feels just right. Valentines is just around the corner. Actually, I don't really care since it's just an ordinary day for me and maybe for most single people out there. But then that's why it was a topic during one of our girly talks. Somebody asked me what I would do if a friend falls for me and I have no deeper feeling for that person except for friendship. That made me think for a while. Honestly, I dunno the answer. I'll cross the bridge when I get there I suppose, since I have not experienced that yet and I was in a situation quite opposite to that one before. (Read: I fell for a friend once and never had the guts to tell him. We're still friends now. Although I had a really tough and confusing time before, I'm glad my feelings faded. Guess it was not love after all.)
Then another person asked me what if my crush started to like me. That would be great! But then I have a feeling that it might come true somehow (I'm only approximately 30% sure because I have this crush whose dropping really subtle hints. Hahahaha!). I got scared. I was asked what if my crush started to court me seriously. I am idealistic and I want a sincere and committed courtship and relationship but then, I hesitated. Dang! I dunno why but I paused for a long time and really thought about it. Why was I so unsure? I mean, after ALL these yearssss of being single and available, I'd grab the chance to be with someone. Yes, I would love the thought of someone caring for me or making me feel special in more ways than one... BUT (yeah, there's a "BUT"), I can't imagine me devoting myself to one person. Am I scared of commitment? Am I worried that I won't have enough time for myself, my family and friends? Am I destined to be single forever? Maybe I just don't wanna give up my being single yet since I'm quite enjoying its perks. Or maybe this thing needs some getting-used-to.
Oh well, don't wanna think about it now. Let me just bury it in one of the deep recesses in my mind then just dig for it again if my 30% certainty goes to a 100%. Whatdyathink?
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