Thursday, February 27, 2003

Cutie me!

I got to work today realizing there are actually cute guys in the company. Problem is, most of them are literally cute. In short, they're short.

But then I dunno why I don't feel like "dressing up" of "giving it my best" whenever I go to work in terms of eyeing guys and catching their eyes. I mean, I never saw my crush again. So, it's meaningless to give an effort. It's not like when I was in school. Before I don't care if I actually liked someone that time or not, I just like to "show my best" whenever I go out. That's what singles do, right?

But what the heck. Still am cute even if I don't give a damn.

I just went to the pantry to buy my food. I dunno why of all days I didn't bring food from the house tonight. A girl is usually selling food in the pantry but I got there with two really gorgeous and tall guys selling food for me. Woah! They were even asking me for a "free taste"! Hmmm... I didn't though coz I needed to hurry up or else I'll be late. I just realized that I am not a good flirt AT ALL.

Take this instance. One of the cute guys talked to me and asked me if he can borrow the chess board for them to play with. What I said, "Ummm... That's not mine. It's for everybody to use" and I gave him this weak smile and blushing cheeks. Is that lame or what?! I could have said, "I'm not sure if you can borrow THAT but YOU certainly can borrow ME!"

I paid my food to the other cute guy and he has no change for me and at that time, this other cute guy was telling me what food are available. He offered me a free taste of his food. I said, "No thanks" and gave him another weak smile. I could have given him a flirty smile and tasted his food and say, "Mmmm... Yum-myy!" Right?! I am so lame when it comes to flirting.

One of the guys even looked like my former crush... Also had a call from our UK counterpart. Did I mention that Brit accent is really a turn-on?

Wednesday, February 26, 2003



A natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming.
A period of this form of rest.
A state of inactivity resembling or suggesting sleep; unconsciousness, dormancy, hibernation, or death.


Spent most of my time sleeping during my time off from work. Not that I need more shut-eye, but I just hoped I could sleep my way to somewhere I wouldn't be disturbed again. But then I guess not. I have to wake up to the same world, the same problems, the same situation that made me want to escape in the first place. I wonder what I should do instead. Put myself into a coma then wake up after 10 years. I'm sure the world is somewhat changed by that time. Then I could go back and start a new life, as if I was reborn.

Commenting temporary offline. Better be temporary dammit.

So afraid of everything I'm unaware
Knowing that no one around me cares,
Everywhere I go is empty
I am full of nothing
Still I stay, still I stay, still I... and I'm
Wasting time, Wasting time
Wasting time without you

~Stephen Speaks, "Wasting Time"

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Pretentious Strength

One of the downsides of having a strong personality is maintaining that strength even up to the point when you just have to pretend. Like a pillar standing tall even when everything and everyone seems lean on it. When a lot of people depend on you, you can't take the chance to falter and fall.

Another downside of that is making people believe that it is impossible for you to break down. Then they would tend to get that confidence in you and wouldn't really bother when you get weak and wobbly and when in truth, all you need is someone to lean on too. But then since you've been relaying the message that you can hang on by yourself, others will take you for granted. It would come to a point when you eventually fall. And no, instead of getting empathy, that fall will give them the impression that "something terribly wrong happened"... not knowing that in every strength owned, there is an accompanying weakness (and vice versa).

Sometimes what you just need is another pillar to lean on or another shelter to comfort you. When many people depend on you sometimes it can be draining. But since you don't wanna let them down, you stay firm. But having to stand tall and stay strong will make it difficult for you to find someone who will protect you, someone who will be strong enough for the both of you.


Watched "The Eye". Today's the last day and I'm glad I got the chance to see it with my sis. Today is also give-in-to-your-cravings day and it was fun! But the movie was good. Waaay better than "Ring". It's like an Asian version of M. Night Shyamalan's "Sixth Sense" but more dramatic. It has its own twist too, which is a relief, and to note it as another scary and screamy movie that does NOT suck.

Boy was I glad to bring my jacket! It was not just for the cold... it was also nice to have it wrap around us and cover our eyes during the hair-raising scenes.

Maybe not meeting you today was a blessing in disguise. Hehehe! I got to catch that movie since it will not be shown tomorrow. We'll meet some other time. Don't worry, I understand what busy means. It's just re-organizing your priorities. Just be a good boy, okay?

Monday, February 24, 2003

Still here. Waiting for my sup. I should have been asleep. My mind is telling me I should be in bed right now. I am tired-- physically, mentally, emotionally tired. But I have TWO days off. God IS good. I just want a warm bed to snuggle into. That would be ok.

Patient File Update:

PT Impression:
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, both wrists

Goals and Treatment Plan:
(to follow)

"Sawa ka na ba sa mga hassle sa buhay mo?
Ayaw mo na bang mag-isip para sa sarili?"

~Eraserheads, "Superproxy"

Sunday, February 23, 2003

Patient File:

Patient Initials:
PT impression:
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, right wrist
(+) Phalen's Test
(+) Reverse Phalen's Tests
Other Concurrent Medical Conditions:
chronic low back pain
chronic muscle spasm of both upper trapezius
possible depression
possible anxiety disorder

Woke up early. Went to do some errands. Got home on an empty stomach. No food. Nearly bitten by a dog which therefore led to near cardiac arrest. Went to work early to keep self busy. Checked company mail. Got a pink slip for agent error. Awaiting supervisor's reprimand. I'd rather be bitten by a dog.

Damn life sucks BIG TIME!

One day left. Only two things nobody can take away from me-- my two days off. Walked across Ayala Avenue singing this song:

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you

~Avril Lavigne, "I'm With You"

Whoever YOU are, I hope you come and take me away as soon as possible. Please.

Saturday, February 22, 2003

This is so funny. Got this from an e-mail. This is NOT my story. I just found it very amusing. Now I wonder why I can somehow relate to this... Hmmm...

Could the real fish please stand up?

I have no pretensions about who I am. Modesty aside, I'm physically attractive, I'm smart, I'm accomplished and I have a great zest for life. I have managed to go through 22 years of existence and could still afford to look like 16. I'm complete, I'm self-assured, but somehow, there's just this one thing I can't understand no matter what: why do I keep on attracting the wrong fish?

When I was in grade school, when I meet relatives or family friends, the standard questions were: "Anong grade mo na?" "Saan ko magha-highschool?" Occasionally somebody would ask me, "May boyfriend ka na?" To that last question I would answer in the negative and that's the end of the matter. When I was in highschool, relatives, family friends and classmates ask me questions like, "Anong course kukunin mo?" "Saan ka magco-college?" "May boyfriend ka na?" I would reply in the negative and it won't bother me. Much too young for that to be bothered, I suppose. When I was in college, people would ask me, "Anong karera ang gusto mo?" "May boyfriend ka na ba?" And to that question I would answer in the negative and promise to myself that I would have a boyfriend after I graduate.

Now I have graduated. I went through grade school, highschool and college with flying colors. I have a degree, I have a job. Uh-oh, I say to myself, for I know what that one question people would be asking me this time. "May boyfriend ka na ba?" In fact, people have asked me that question more frequently these days. And of course, my standard answer is, "Wala." But you know what? Believe me or not, that's not the worse part. I dread the question that follows that: "Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?" How the hell should I know?! I'm not the guy I like! Sometimes I feel like answering back in that manner, but of course I just try to calm down and keep quiet. That last question is rhetorical ... it's something that only a member of the male species who has met me can answer.

A male friend of mine told me once, "There are many fish in the sea." Ok, so I got heartbroken over a guy in class whom I carried a torch for the first 3 years of my college life, and after that I fell in love with a guy whom I have just met for some days and who is now in a foreign country, studying. Fine, they're not the only "fish in the sea." I have encountered some guys who became my friends and who would later on confess they have a crush on me, they love me or they really like me. They're nice and all, we get along pretty well, but I can't still get over the fact that they're the wrong fish!

Wrong fish --- you know, the types who, no matter how handsome or kind or gentleman or Mr. Perfect they are you just don't have any other thing with them but friendship. Period. Wrong fish --- the ones whom you regret to have fallen for you because they could have saved themselves the heartache by not falling for you if they had fallen in love with somebody who would really love them. Why do I keep on attracting the wrong fish? "Maybe that's because you're using the wrong bait," a friend of mine told me once. But I'm not using any bait at all. I'm just me.

My friends have offered a lot of theories about why I am still boyfriend-less. The main school of thought is that guys are intimidated by me. With my background, reputation and personality, guys feel short of what should be for me. And my reaction to that? To hell with intimidation. I'm not intimidating at all, and even if I am, why should that matter? This is not some freaking competition. But I suppose there is a certain truth to that, one way or another. Relationships consist of people who match each other, right?

It's a good thing I'm a person of good humor. I don't let the standard, "May boyfriend ka na?" get on my nerves. We unattached kindred say that it's ok, because our market value is increasing. Or my friends and I used to kid around, using Eminem's Slim Shady line, saying, "Could the real fish please stand up?" That, a tall glass of iced tea and a piece of sour cream donut at Country Style and I'm a-ok.

If it were only that simple. Of course in the real world, the real fish won't show up right away. I have to go through a lot of struggles before I see him, I know. In every major event in my life I go through that
hardships-tears-dream-come-true-happiness-Oh-thank-God cycle. After 22 years of that cycle I know better. I know it's going to take me more courage and more growing up, more 8 hours of work, more single Valentine's, more "May boyfriend ka na ba?" and "Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?" before I meet the real fish. Maybe in the end it's that guy I loved in first year college. Or maybe it's that guy who left for a foreign country to study. Or maybe it's somebody I have never met at all.

In the meantime, I'm still the pleasant, smart, boyfriend-less me. High market value and all.

Friday, February 21, 2003

A Song to Remember

I noticed that whenever I go to work at about 9:30PM, I always get to listen to sentimental songs/ballads in the taxi. Instead of perking me up, I get sleepy. Not that I don't appreciate them. I actually do. But I ought to be listening to groovy and funky tunes on my way to work before I get my dose of caffeine. I need the boost.

Lately, this song is playing in my head as I get ready for work. It's a song from Stephen Speaks and it has actually a lot of meaning for different people. There is a verse from the Bible that inspired the composition of that song. It's the Annunciation of the Angel Gabriel to Mary about her giving birth to Christ. It's nice. But it can take a lot of other meanings too. Like there's this girl who would want that song played on her eighteenth birthday. Some sort of a welcome to adulthood. To the romantic at heart, it may mean a song a man could sing to a woman whom he would be proposing to. Imagine what she'll look like if he tells her he'll marry her, right?

It's a slow tune but not a sad one. I like it. Personally, it's just my "getting ready" song-- not just for work, but for life. For every day I have to face... every challenge, experience, falls and triumphs. I love it!

what'll she look like (luke 2:40,52)
what'll she look like when she
opens her eyes and sees what she wants to see
instead of this cold mirror's lies
and all the pieces complete
she says with a sigh "i think i'm ready..."
what'll she sound like when she
opens her mouth and all the phrases sound right
as they fall out and she says "yes" and she's not
scared of the sound she says she's ready
{will she be soft will she be strong
will she be ready to be wrong
will she move too fast or wait too long
will she look me in the eyes}
what'll it feel like when she
opens her heart and finds that there just might be
a small missing part and whether with or without me
she has to start getting ready
what'll she look like when she
opens her eyes will she see just what i see
will it be a surprise to see that she hasn't changed,
her eyes are just a little wider now and she's getting ready

Your into the geeky guys. a.k.a~ the sweet,
sensative, quiet and smart ones. This type can
be broken down further: he's either perfect, or
a serial killer...

Whats Your Type?
brought to you by Quizilla

I thought so. I knew it! I've always known! Like Colin Farrel in "Minority Report"... How about the boy-next-door smart-ass type? Hmm...

Thursday, February 20, 2003

I cannot believe what my stars are telling me today!

You might wake up this morning feeling a little less than your usual self, dear Cancer, and you might not be able to figure out why. There could be some sort of minor physical imbalance, or you might be suffering from eyestrain. This might put you a little out of sorts with yourself and with everyone else, particularly if you are stressed out about work responsibilities. Avoid computers if possible (uh-oh!), and take time during the day to take a run or brisk walk.

When the thought of going into work makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, then know that the time has come to get another job. Alas, that's not likely something you can do this very minute. You can, however, be extra kind to yourself. Give yourself a present! Finding something you thoroughly enjoy would certainly perk up your spirits, and that does not cost a fortune.

Now what present would that be? Hmmmm....

Notice to Readers:

Previous entry NOT meant to hurt people. It was just a general question on (love) life. I just believe that when someone treasures me, not only would I appreciate that but I would also treasure that someone. But when it comes to some things I cannot give (as of the moment), I just hope I am understood. That it's difficult to be torn apart when choosing to hurt someone or to hurt myself. My lack of decision ends up hurting BOTH that someone and me.
I'm sorry if the previous entry hurt you in any way.

Let me get my rest first. It's been a long day... errr... night...

Haloscan now up and running! So post away!

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Haunting Past

Some missions accomplished today. Three inches off the length of my hair. My head feels lighter but I saw to it that my hair still is below my shoulder since I know I look bad in short hair. Watched "Maid in Manhattan". Never really liked J-Lo but I think Ralph Fiennes is gorge plus the Cinderella-like story. I deserved that "fairytale" break I guess.

Some pasts just keep haunting me-- that includes my past job. I'm not through with that yet since my former boss still wants me to meet her tomorrow. And I thought I'd be resting the whole day coz I'll be reporting for work tomorrow night. NOT! D'Arvit!

Just saw an episode in a TV show about guys making harana* for girls in the provinces. What if I try going home to the province and staying there? My idealistic nature might find that very amusing. There's also this episode about men cheating their wives through cellphones. Tell me about that. I mean, a first-hand experience for me is enough. (No, I don't have a husband. Let's just say I used to "know" someone who did that.) Another past haunting me. I'm glad THAT's over.

*courting a woman in the form of singing songs as the man visits the woman's house

Something for Someone

I wonder why it's not probable for me to find someone who just makes it feel right. I mean, someone whom I share mutual feelings with. I may feel a deep something for someone but that someone only feels a shallow something for me. Then someone feels a deep something for me but I only feel a shallow something for that someone. Get my drift?

Maybe I am the problem. I have difficulty letting go of a person who means something to me. I am possessive. But I cannot commit myself to one. Am I being unfair? I'm still waiting for the "right" moment. But will it come? What if it already passed my way and I didn't give it a second look? But then if it's the "right" moment, why didn't it make an impact in my life?

This sucks. Dammit. I better stop this. My head is already spinning.

Haloscan still down. Comment boxes still empty. Miss the comments...

august afternoon and the air's aflame
softly on the breeze, thought i heard your name
this morning i'd have thought that it looked like rain
but these clouds have ways of playing games
{whether you are weather like clouds appear and clouds roll by
but if you stay within my sight, fall in love I just might}

~Stephen Speaks, "Weather"

Monday, February 17, 2003

Sweet Kisses

Had three kisses this morning. No, not actual kisses (I wish!) but Hershey's kisses our sup gave our team for Valentines. Glad somebody did give me chocolates, even if it's late. Sweet! Hahahaha!

Went home. Looking forward to my two days off. It felt different. Maybe because I'm seeing people rushing to their offices on a Monday morning and I'm happily thinking of my rest days... for a change. Mwahahahaha!

Spent the whole day sleeping. I planned to go to the hairdresser to cut my hair but I overslept. Woke up in an empty and grumbling stomach. I think the working six days straight finally took its toll. Now I'm fully awake and everybody is asleep. So, what's new? Maybe I'll get up earlier tomorrow and just continue with my plans. Cut my hair and take my parents out to watch a movie.

Haloscan still down. Comment boxes still empty. *sigh*

When all my days get long
And all my motivation's gone
I just wanna chill with you
We can watch a film or two
We can sit all day and talk

~Stephen Speaks, "Sunshine" (Prv. 15:30)

Sunday, February 16, 2003


I've always had dreams about me running away from something or someone. A disturbing dream haunted me as I slept earlier. I was running away from someone who wanted to kill me.

If I remember correctly, the last time I had these "running away from something" dream was when I was in college PT proper and we were having final exams then. I had those types of dreams every night for the entire week. It was then when I wished I would just go into a coma then sleep for the next five to ten years hoping that I wake up with different surroundings and hopefully, no more problems and life's stresses.

I read a book of dreams once and it was written that those types of dreams signify my subconscious tellng me that I want to escape-- escape from something or someone or from the situation I'm in now. Maybe it's my subconscious' way of telling me that I'm stressed out again.

But then I don't think I need those dreams to tell me I am coz I already know that. But then those dreams seem better coz I always seem to run faster from my pursuers. Hope I run faster in real life too.
Finally able to watch a movie with my ma and sis. This was a totally new thing for me after a month of work-home-work sched. I felt sleepy since I had to trade my sleeping time to that movie bonding time. It's ok. One day more to go before I can have my two days rest. Working six days straight stresses me out-- dark rings around eyes and all that crap. I feel like a zombie. I look like a zombie.

How can I get a date with that look?! But then it's ok. I think I'm finally losing weight.

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Happy Hearts' Day!

Belated, that is.
I can't believe I slept the whole day. Woke up expecting the afternoon sun glaring at me. But no, everything was dark. I slept the whole Valentines Day. What kind of life is that?! I felt so unproductive!

This got me to thinking, will I perform better if I took the morning shift instead? I mean, at least my body clock will still be functioning coz now I think it's as confused and messed up as I am. But then I have to wake up at 3:30AM. That's a feat for me. I dunno what to do right now.

Don't have a date. So what? I experienced the traffic and saw the cars parking in night hangouts. I'd rather go out on a date some other time. Question is: Who will go out with me?

Friday, February 14, 2003

(Thanks aelaishia)

I am heroic couplets; most precise
And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice.
I know, of course, just what I want; I know,
As well, what I will do to make it so.
This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun
Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun;
But they must keep their place, like all the rest;
They might be good, but ordered life is best.
What Poetry Form Are You?

I know I'm obsessive-compulsive. It's my nature.

A dreamer is your type. Seen as "not quite
there", you see things that few do. You
make people think, and your friends turn to you
for insight.

A different quiz, what strange type of person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thursday, February 13, 2003

I am still at work.
Way past my bedtime. My bed is calling.
My mom is calling. We had to go through speech training with my sup.

Woke up on an empty stomach an hour ago.
Four more working days.
Just looking forward to my days off.
I thought of eating during my meal break at 2AM. But I'm going to be alone. No one has the same meal break time with mine. It's sad. My friend is quitting. I felt more alone. After I learned about her decision last night, I lost drive to work. I hope that feeling passes. I really hope so.

Tomorrow is Hearts' Day... So what?
But there's this guy... oh never mind!

Another thing: Gotta note this new Stephen Speaks message board.

Memories like ghosts, follow me around
Shattered dreams, with broken themes
I gotta find a way to show them it isn't what it seems
But if you know
We will take it slow

~Stephen Speaks, "Armored Car"

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Lost and not yet found

I just woke up from a six-hour slumber. My day is just starting even if Wednesday is already ending in the real world. I have yet to convince my system that this is my reality. I basically end my day as people wake up and go to their respective works and schools. This sucks big time.

Say goodbye to social life, a friend told me. I know that for a fact right now. Plus my body clock and rhythm are lost in their own world too. I skip breakfast and lunch. Then I wake up eating a sandwich. After a few hours, eat dinner, then at two in the morning, eat another sandwich. I hope I lose weight this way. I'm just praying now that I'll still be alive as I get my pay at the end of the week.

A lot of my batchmates are thinking about quitting. I am thinking of my options too. But as of the moment, I don't think I have that choice. Actually, I am just listening to that voice inside me (I'm NOT a psycho, or at least I know I am not) to tell me it's enough. I'm still giving myself time to adjust. I see it in two ways: one, I wait 'til I know I have exhausted everything I've got and I'll just give up; two, I'll maximize my stay and learn as much as I can with this type of job. But in the end, I still long for patients instead of clients.

If anyone wants to kill someone right now, you may contact me. I need someone even for euthanasia (mercy killing) purposes only.

D'Arvit! ( a bad word in People language. I just finished reading Eoin Colfer's "Artemis Fowl".)

maybe someday my dreams will be complete
and we both will know what it would have been
but you've got to promise me you won't accept defeat
that you'll run this race until we meet again
that you'll run this race until we reach the end

~Stephen Speaks, "Never Knew"

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

(1:30AM, 11 February 2003)

Got back from a business meeting with our leader Mike Wilson. It was great! It was also nice seeing my team partners again after some time especially Mina who is now based in Cebu. I know I had my shortcomings and I'm not a very good team player but I'll try my very best.

Got home and found out that my cousin brought chocolates from work. I had to give in (Sorry, Ecs). My diet was ruined. But what the heck, this comes once in a blue moon. I had to eat a bar plus half a glass of soda. Now, I cannot sleep. It's ok, I am trying to get used to waking up in the evening and sleeping at night. No, make that... I am forcing my body clock to shift to its nocturnal gear.

Why did I wake up this early?! Maybe I just have lots of things in mind. Like what would happen to my sister after she graduates or how could we survive by next month? Oh well. I'm going to work later until Sunday. Just work my butt off and hope that everything goes away. Wrap myself in another world again with a schedule that would detach me from reality.

All my life I've been reaching toward something
Believing these hands could get me through
As my heart collects dust upon the shelves of my life

~Stephen Speaks, "Doubting Thomas"

Monday, February 10, 2003

Just saw MYX exclusive footages of the Rockwell concert of Stephen Speaks, then I realized how much stuff I missed! *sniff*

They loved the Filipino audience and I just hope my birthday this July will be happy when they will be coming back. I am looking forward to listening to their music LIVE!

Rockwell, a bandmember, just posted in the message board and told the fans of his stolen black bag. He's willing to give a $500 reward for its return. Just hope the person who took the black bag will have a bugging conscience that would make him/her return it. Such a disappointment considering we're Filipinos and Christians for that matter.

Dain Michael Samuelson is cute.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

In this world of uncertainties, there are a few people who are real-- real friends and real individuals.

At this point in time, when Valentines Day is near, I can't help but wonder about people are engaged in relationships-- either superficial or deep. Then I also think of people who are not in a relationship (like me) and who just cherish the company their friends offer. But sometimes, it's sad to know that even "friendships" can be superficial. When I feel so low and I feel detached from the real world (literally because of my work schedule), I get disappointed when I feel lonely especially when I consider many people my friends. Maybe it's because it's been so long since we've been together or maybe we have to face our own lives now. I miss the moments we've been together... but I also regret the fact that we have drifted apart. It's like seeing another individual-- someone you never really knew.

It's sad. Sad to know that during times when I really expect someone to be there for me, they're not. But then come to think of it, because life is unpredictable, people I least expect can also be there for me.

and everytime i think of you
i'll remember all the good times that we've had
and everytime i sing this tune
i will laugh, i will cry, i will close my eyes

~Stephen Speaks, "Leaving Song"
I am dead tired.

I am longing for the comfort of my bed.
My mouth is dry. My back is aching.
How long will I last?

Saturday, February 08, 2003

It felt weird going to work on a Friday night. I was rushing against the traffic and everyone was on their way home to relax and I am awaiting the "doom" I am going to get on my first day in the Ops floor.

After almost 8 hectic hours, there were no more calls on queue. The sun is peeking outside. I can see it through the wide windows overlooking Makati. My back is longing for my bed. I am going home on a Saturday morning. My day is just ending and other people's day is just beginning. I felt weird. It's ok coz I know I am weird. I'm so tired. I feel lightheaded.

Friday, February 07, 2003

I have always been a sucker for love songs. I find myself relating to most of them although I don't have the "real" experience to back that up. It seems as if I've been used to singing songs about unrequited love even before I was a teenager. For me, it's a part of my reality. It's a part of life since being female in a conservative country like the Philippines, women always are the pursued, not the pursuers. So, a person like me, who has no guts in telling a person how I feel and who is afraid of rejection, have accepted the fact that "crushing" on someone is the answer. I don't care whether they also like me or not. I just like them. Period.

Then come a time when I had to become a little braver and faced this guy I really like. It was a tough one but we're friends now and I owe it to my temporary insanity.

Then songs like these are composed. It's ok since I can still imagine myself singing this song while staring at my crush. I just have to change "she" to "he". BUT...if someone sings this song to you...

out of my league (job 40:4,5)
~Stephen Speaks

it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
but i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause i'm speechless to say what i'm feeling today
but i'm out of my league once again
it's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
that i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
and she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

Just pray... pray hard... that the feeling is mutual. Or else, you'll be torn. Trust me.
First day on the Ops floor. New faces. New supervisors. New schedule. Plus, I will not be able to catch a glimpse of my crushes again. Scary.

I attempted to stay awake the entire night. But come 1AM, sleep was calling me so I had to succumb to it. My body clock is still confused with my schedule. I will try to catch some sleep before going to work. Or else I'll be answering calls with a snore. That, or I have to take a larger than usual dose of caffeine.

Hope everything will be ok.

Will she be soft will she be strong
Will she be ready to be wrong
Will she move too fast or wait too long
Will she look me in the eyes...

~Stephen Speaks, "What'll She Look Like"

Thursday, February 06, 2003

Feet Wet (matt. 14:22)
~Stephen Speaks

standing at the water's edge, I feel a trembling fear
as the waves crash 'round my ankles feel the thunder in my ear
i see the change is coming, the wind is at my back
but doubt overtakes me and my eyes turn to black
my past lurks behind me, keeping me on guard
I don't want to chance it, these steps are just too hard
I know He's behind me but what can i do
I'm frail, i'm human, and i don't want to fail You

{ I can't walk on water with these dirty feet
but He can walk on water and He'll carry me}
so put your arms around me carry me to sea
waves knock against me but I know I'm free
from death and loneliness, darkness, despair
this life is choppy but I don't care
Another Bout
9PM, 5 February 2003

(I was supposed to type this entry last night, but I was too tired I went directly to sleep.)

I'm here in a chapel in the midst of the yuppie evening crowd. Just finished watching a romantic comedy with a friend. I agreed to meet that friend since he'll be losing his job soon and he wanted to talk about it. It turned out, I needed that "escape" more. (Thank YOU!)

The movie was really funny. So funny that it hit right through me and I cried. Truth is both funny and painful sometimes. The crybaby in me prevailed once again. I hate it when that happens. It's giving me the vulnerability and weakness I don't need to expose right now. I'm glad I'm alone. Realization suddenly strikes a blow and it hit me right smack in the face.

In more ways than one, I related to a character in the movie. Truth just dawned. Actually, I have a lot of "dawning moments" today. I suddenly felt helpless and it's sad. I go home and the pressure is there-- pressure to take the responsibilty of all the financial problems at home. I am NOT a money machine. So I went directly to sleep without talking to anyone.

Another bout of depression. I'm glad I'm not the suicidal type, am I not?

"What'll she look like when she opens her eyes
and sees what she wants to see
instead of this cold mirror's lies
and all the pieces complete...

~Stephen Speaks, "What'll She Look Like"

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Our "nesting period" will be officially over today. Instead of ending it and starting Operations on Sunday, it was moved to Friday. I am stressed out. Today, we will be reporting from 6AM to 3PM. On Friday, I will be starting my official schedule (for the next three months): 10:30PM to 7:30AM. My days off will be Mondays and Tuesdays.

What have I gotten myself into?

Calling my nocturnal/vampire personality...

Monday, February 03, 2003

Finally, I have survived training. Whew! We all passed the final exam and we are now taking actual calls as a part of our "nesting". I'm getting a hang of talking to foreigners now. My calls were quite ok. I just need the experience. It's still the same sport, but a totally different ballgame. Here comes reality-- it bites, it stings, it sucks. Either you have a "healing balm" with you... or you develop a "very thick skin".

Saw my "office crush" a while ago. Side view, but nice view. He looked serious though.

Got some sad news from a friend today. She's brokenhearted. I feel sorry for her but then he doesn't deserve her, so why waste her time being depressed and devastated over THAT kind of guy? Got some disappointing news from a relative too. Don't wanna dwell on it, but I was really sad and a bit angry after I knew he doesn't care. And I thought he did.

And oh and I'll be fine
Oh when these clouds subside
Oh I won't worry, I won't mind
Oh when these clouds subside

~Stephen Speaks, "Subside"