The aftershock of adrenaline rush.
I can't sleep. I just finished pouring cold water all over myself hoping that it will make me feel numb, even for a while. I was mistaken. I am not a robot. I wish I were-- no conscience, no hurt, no disappointments. In short, no emotions. A friend told me "No one is given their share of burden unless he can't take it". My question is "Until when can I take it?" I'm making this entry now, hoping that a time will come when I will be able to read this again and say to myself that I'm glad I survived it all.
A friend ask for my advice. She's undergoing depression because of a lost love (and maybe the fact that it's already February and it's Valentines makes it harder for her). She's only 21 and she's at the point wherein she's sacrificing her career and her health. After a few consoling words (but not really helpful since I haven't had a relationship before), I thought of another young friend who recently passed away. Then I thought how "shallow" her dilemma is. I told her, "Life is short. Why spend your time whining on a guy who doesn't even give a damn n your existence?"
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I got my first few calls tonight. That's where the adrenaline rush came from. It was freakin' scary! Imagine talking to nice and not-so-nice people oceans away from me. Come to think of it, this is the job I'm going to do. Then I realized, today is the end of my training. I felt sad. I'm going to miss being a newbie in the company. One exam left to (hopefully) pass on Monday and I will not be a trainee anymore. No more fun times. No more forgivable mistakes. Welcome to the real world! This is not going to be easy.
Got home. Gave my parents half of my earnings as usual. Thought they'll be happy. I was disappointed. After all the hardships and late-night shifts, I felt like all that effort was not appreciated.
Went up to our room. My sister stayed up to talk to me. It's been five days since we last spoke to each other and last saw each other awake. She was asking for my help about her thesis. I felt like a sponge being squeezed dry. I mumbled some things and she went to sleep, still looking confused. I was not able to help her, I know. It felt awful. Me-- a people-pleaser and I can't even please my own family, not even myself.
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Then came a message.
THAT person (again) telling me that he wished "The Lord of the Rings" was made more like the way "Brotherhood of the Wolf" was made. Since Peter Jackson (LOTR director) is my hero for making the movies that eventually led me to read the books, I defended PJ. I told him that he should remember that the movies were not made to be like the books. Nobody can replace what Tolkien wrote. The movies were just an INTERPRETATION from the book. Then he kept on telling me that PJ fell short in depicting what Tolkien wrote. That's his opinion. I respect that But Peter Jackson is not JRR Tolkien. As long as I know I appreciate the movies and I believe millions of other people out there do, I can live with that. He said that it's sad that a creation such as what Tolkien made is now just labeled as a pop culture because of the movies. (His example was: Why focus on Legolas if Gimli is a much better actor?) A typical Tolkien purist remark. I hated that. I felt like if a person rejects the movies, he also rejects the fans (like me) who were introduced to Tolkien because of the movies.
The movie was PJ's interpretation, not his, not mine, nor anybody else's. He told me he was just criticizing. I told him to live and let live. If you can't do anything about it, why bother? Why make it such a big deal? I'm just glad that the movie made a lot of people read the books. PJ was able to achieve that.
Then I told him that it seems like everytime we interact with each other, we always debate. I'm too tired for that. He told me it seems I'm not into debating. I answered, "After nine hours of work, NO... Especially when I'm debating with someone who forces his opinions on me even if I have MY OWN opinions." I told him that: A closed mind is the most expensive thing to have. He answered that everyone has to have an ethical standard to follow. According to him, it's dangerous to own an open mind and look what it did to Marcos. (What the fuck has Marcos got to do with this conversation?!)
So I ended the discussion with "Have a nice life! I hope you don't spend it criticizing everything that has not lived up to YOUR standards."
He replied, "How... critically sublime of you."
That was the last straw. YOU are now officially one of the many people who made me cry. But NO, don't be so damn proud of yourself for achieving that. Remember, it's not just YOU. It's everything that I've been keeping for some time now. YOU just opened a gateway for the emotions to escape.
Thank you for that much needed cry. It was draining but I felt lighter.
Like a sponge.
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