Monday, June 30, 2003

I did not do OT although people were calling my house last weekend to ask if I can render OT services. I cannot. I don't like to. I finished HP5 and it was so cool! I just pity my sis since my mom is strict on her with her studies and she cannot get the chance to finish the book. I know how that feels. I was in her shoes once. I did not like the pressure too.

I'm cost-cutting right now. I think it would be ok since I am trying to go an a diet too. Less money, less food. Walk went fine Saturday morning. I'll keep on walking this week. No birthday celebrations then. But that's ok. I'm getting used to it.

He called. He may be home a week earlier than planned. Whoopee!

Friday, June 27, 2003

My sis was ecstatic (I can't find any stronger adjective to describe it) when I showed her the HP5 book. Her sleep was cut short and we were both lying prone on bed reading til chapter 5. We were laughing and screaming together. It was fun. The book was so cool and I can't wait to continue reading. There was action even on the first chapter and we couldn't take our hands off it. My eyes, of course, got tired so I slept. I think she is in chapter 13 now. I promise to keep up this weekend. Now, I'm having second thoughts whether I will do OT on my rest days. Hmmm...

I miss him. He seems busy there since life is more exciting there in the province compared to when he is left alone in his house. We are not texting or calling each other that often anymore. I resent it but I don't want to be the one who always sends him messages and calls every now and then. I would rather give him space to breathe, although I really do miss him. *sigh*

Walk did not go well. I walked only halfway since I was carrying the HP5 book and it's heavy. I was also excited to go home quickly. I even drank orange juice and ate cheese bread when I arrived home. Ok, so I didn't do well today. I will tomorrow.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

He left for the province today. How sad. Hopefully the next two weeks will just breeze by. I feel like a robot again. Go to work. Go home. My life revolves around that. May do some OT this weekend and the next. He'll be back the weekend after my birthday. *sigh*

Walk was okay. Had to drink taho again.

I borrowed HP5 from my teammate! I'm going to surprise my sis. She's gonna love me more for this.

Oh and by the way, I had this dream of someone (who was my crush when I was in Grade 6) and I really found it weird. It was just a silly crush and I was only 12 then. He was, I guess, 14 at that time. It was vivid and I never even thought of that guy for years now! I woke up and I fell asleep again then had another dream about him. Weird. Really.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

This song is for those who can relate to it. This reminds me of one of my friends. He sang it to me once. Then it reminds me of "Charmed" too.

~The Smiths~

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die
When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
"Is it me or is the day depressing?", I asked a teammate.
"It's depressing", she replied.

I thought so. I woke up and it was raining. The weather is sympathizing with me again. He disappointed me. I hate it when he does that. I even succeeded making another person's life miserable for a while. I was in the taxi and the driver was so cheery and happy. Then he saw my gloomy face on the rearview mirror and he stopped. Glad he did. I am in no mood for cheers today.

The walk went fine. I resisted the temptation to ride the jeepney. I arrived home all sweaty. But then I saw a glass of taho on the table, I gave in. Darn. I was not supposed to do that.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

I sacrificed almost 4 hours of sleep just to spend half the day with him. What a martyr. Hahaha! I know I am. It's a "tactic", ya know! Speaking of romantic martyrs, here's one song that describes what it's like to be one. Check the last two lines. It will explain why I call it a "tactic".

Lose Your Way
~Sophie B. Hawkins~
i have no confidence
and i can't see why i should
but i could do most anything for you
and you know i would
i try too hard
and then i give up way too easily
i'm the runner up inside of you
and you're the winner inside of me

lose your way
and i will follow
here today
and here tomorrow
like my freedom i know
i'll never let you go

i still wish on the evening star
and i s'pose i always will
every child loses something
a whole life can't fulfill
and when you cry i feel the sky
burst open in my veins
if loving you makes me a slave of me
then i'll spend my whole life in chains

walk the line
i'll walk inside you
change your mind
let love decide you
its the reason i know
you'll never let me go

He'll be gone for two weeks. He'll be back the weekend after my birthday since he knows I will spend my day with my family and friends first. A day after my birthday will be our fourth month already. Ohmigod! (Then hopefully I'll already be a regular employee at work.)

I plan to lose some weight since I know the next two weeks will be boring ones. Read: weekends at home. *sigh* Let's see if I will be able to accomplish something within two weeks. I plan to walk home everyday after work (during weekdays, of course). That means about 30 minutes of semi-fast walking (not leisurely walk), then early morning sweat, then no breakfast (uh... dinner?) prior to cleaning up and sleeping. Now, that's a challenge Karen! Bwahahahaha!
Another memorable weekend. I cannot take this song off my head.

Feels Like Home
~Chantal Kreviazuk
Something in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

He'll be leaving again for more than a week. Be seeing him on July na. *sniff*

Friday, June 20, 2003

Feeling better now. It's the weekend again. Thank God. Gonna visit the sick later.
Thank you. (You know who you are.) Hopefully next time we can spend more time together talking. Missed you, girl!

There is a nagging feeling I'm experiencing right now. It's creeping in and telling me to suspect and not trust him. Probably because my trust was broken once and I'm having difficulty building it again since he's far. I dunno what to do.

Seems like I'm at a stage right now where I dunno what to do in almost all situations in my life. How can I survive then? Hahahaha!

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Problems at home. Problems outside home. How can I escape?

Slept the whole day. Don't want to stay at home. As much as possible, I would rather stay in the office or anywhere except there. The pressure is too much. I can't bear anymore responsibilities that are NOT mine. I can snap anytime now. I have my limit too. Not eating breakfast for the past week now helped me lose some weight I gained from working in graveyard shift.

He was at work today. He cannot lend me money so he treated me out for dinner. Glad he bought his car. Now I have an uneaten dinner on my workstation. Damn. We're still friends though. No more feelings.

Meeting a friend tomorrow, a former officemate. I'm embarrassed, but what else can I do?

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Give up or hold on?

When I got to work today, an officemate asked me what happened to my eyes. I told him my eyes are sympathizing with the rainy weather we have today. (But in truth, I think the weather is sympathizing with me.)

If I only knew how tough it is to handle and maintain a relationship, I would not have gotten into one in the first place. Now I'm thinking if the love and special moments are worth the hurt and problems we are encountering. Not to mention that I am a non-believer of long distance relationships and he is far away from me now. Plus the fact that he may be leaving for abroad sooner than I ever will. Aargh!

Like a friend said, I would have to think about it and pray about it if I'm giving up or not. I just spoke to him over the phone tonight and when he was about to let go, I held on. I am not giving up.


Anyways, the "meeting" went ok last night. It seems life he was "shocked" (I can't think of a stronger word for his reaction) when he learned what transpired in my life for the past months. I guess he does not know me that much since he never expected I would do the things I did. At the same time, I also realized I knew him well since I expected what news he told me regarding his current lifestyle. Oh well. If my stories have affected him somehow, I don't think I care anymore. I cared before, but not now. Let him decide what he does with his life.

Monday, June 16, 2003

Sometimes, whatever we do, the past really catches up to us.

Like when I know I will not see him again (a person from my past), it turned out he will be in my workplace for about a week starting tonight. Alright! Way to go, Fate! I do not know what my reaction would be when I get to meet him face to face again. I know I should not be affected, but sensitive me would want to know somehow what he would think at that time.

A few minutes before I arrive at work, he called and told me he'll be coming here tonight. I do not know what to say. I told him, "Ok, see you then." He told me, "It's been so long. I miss you!" My reply, "Ka-plastikan", then he laughed. Bakla talaga. Shet.

We'll see what happens.
I am on my break now and it's a busy night at work...

It's a Sunday. I am supposed to be sleeping soundly at home, right? Usually I am but I filed for OT today. Probably because I spent Saturday and Sunday morning at home and I don't want to be bored by staying there another day. I just watched two mini-marathons of CSI in AXN (which means 6 hours yesterday and 6 hours today). Yeah, such a couch potato! Glad I did coz they showed everything in season 1. Another reason is that I'm missing him since he is out of town right now and he'll be back next week and I want to be distracted. That's why I work. Plus I need the extra cash before July comes coz I'll be turning 23 (damn it) and I don't have money for that (my sister just started college and I'm responsible for the finances too.)

3 and a half more hours. Please give me the patience to bear these barrage of calls.

Friday, June 13, 2003

How do you connect?

The In-depth Conversationalist

Whether it's 4 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon, you're probably the friend people call when they need someone to talk to. "Lean on me" might as well be your theme song. You're a great confidante and advisor who's especially good at listening to your pals when something's on their mind. Just make sure they're willing to do the same for you!

Marathon phone calls don't tire you out! You've been working on your endurance for years. Whether talking about the major events in your life, spelling out every detail of your last vacation, or giving the all important blow-by-blow of your last date, you've got stories to share with the loved ones in your life! And if that afterthought occurs just after you hang up? No worries. You're not ashamed to call back for a quick update. Sure, your friends might tease you about your flair for drama and attention to detail. But they always know that when they need you, you're just a phone call away.
Thank you for this quiz.

You are Neo
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


I had my meal break again alone today and I think it was a good experience. I went to another 24-hour convenience store. A bit farther from my workplace but it was worth the walk. The way was a dark and almost empty parking lot and I encountered a few cars with blasting stereos in them. (Yeah, most of the callcenter people are young, rich kids. It felt like I was in Libis less the bars, discos, coffeeshops, the "flashy" people and the noise.) Anyways, I ate in the store just for a change in ambiance too. It was ok.

Wish it's Saturday already. I want to rest now. Can I rest forever?

Thursday, June 12, 2003

When everything seems to go wrong and happen not according to your expectations, what do you usually want to do?

Me, I would love to go to the moon and spend a couple of days there... alone. But since I don't think that would be probable, I would love to go to the beach and spend some time there by the sea... alone. And since that, still, would not be probable, I just bury myself with work. Bore myself to death with everyday routine (SSDD=Same Shit Different Day). Read: go home, eat, watch 30 to 1 hour worth of music videos, take a bath, read a few pages of a book, sleep, wake up, prepare for work, go to work, take calls, go home and the cycle goes on and on. Sometimes, work hours may be longer than home hours. Sometimes I go out when I don't like to stay at home. That's it. That's what I call my life.

But now, I am again disappointed with something/someone and I'm back to my "robotic ways" again. I don't like it, but it's the only way I can be numb to all those emotions and be productive at the same time.
I had a bad call prior to my meal break today. It lasted for almost two hours. Imagine, I can end a call in less than a minute and that one took me TWO HOURS! That is one of the reasons why I do not like this job much. My meal break, of course, was two hours delayed. I had one hour to myself and by this time, most of my friends were already through with their meals. So what I did was go to the nearest 24-hour convenience store and buy a tuna sandwich, sit on the sidewalk in the parking lot, slowly eat it and enjoy the darkness that surround me. By the way, it's almost 5AM now.

I'm tired.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Spent 9AM until 3PM with him. Never could have preferred any other place. It's a nice feeling to love and be loved in return. Haven't felt that ever in my life (romantically speaking) except now. Only had three hours sleep that's why I have a really bad headache today. Can't wait to lay on my bed tomorrow. But I had to see him today since he will be out of town this weekend and earliest I can see him again is next week. *sniff*

Three months and counting...

Joy really lived up to her threats. Hahahaha! I'm glad I have friends.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fourth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
"And each man kills the thing he loves,
By all let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword."

~"The Valkyries", Paulo Coelho, p.8

Monday, June 09, 2003

Selfish vs. Selfless

I have made a huge confession last weekend. I finally met two of my close buds from college and we spent half a day to update ourselves with whats going on with our lives. Of course, as expected, I had the most things to say since I have gone through a lot these past few months. I was glad I finally was able to have someone to openly talk with regarding some "delicate issues" in my life. We agreed to meet that night to go to a party.

I spent half the day facing him after the "fight" during the past few days. I just wanted to look into his eyes and tell him what's on my mind. I thought I just wasted my time there but I'm glad I went. At least, everything is cleared up between us.

I got back from his place to Manila and I was not feeling well already. Probably because I haven't had any sleep yet for the past 24 hours. I met my sis in the mall since we were supposed to go to The Hobbit Party to celebrate TPTS' first anniversary. We were waiting for my friends for about two hours already, when I just told my sis I cannot go to Hobbit Hole anymore. I felt nauseated. She was disappointed but it was ok after she saw my face. I also found out that Lifecafe would not be going, plus I have the feeling that Joan and Joy will not be able to make it. (And I was right.) So, I just bought my sister dinner. It was funny since our table was just across the table of a group, which includes two sexy starlets (Katya and Maui). People were glancing and some were even staring at them. But I think Maui's brother was the cute one. He was Katya's date.

Anyways, we got home at about midnight and I just felt so weak. Then I learned that Joan and Joy finished their "mission" at about 1AM! And they told me they're going to meet me at 9PM. Oh well.

Their conclusion about my situation: I am a martyr. Hahaha!
I admit I am because I have seen that "nature" in me eversince I was a kid with kiddie crushes.

I tend to give everything I have to him, but I also noticed I tend to "demand" things from him. Although he always apologizes for his shortcomings, I know most often that it's my mood changes that often start our "fights". It seems like I want to change him to someone I wanted. But I should not, since I loved him for who he is in the first place. Right? Last night, I have finished "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera. I know I can just relate to one of the situations in that novel and it creeps me out. I realized I am not really a martyr in the relationship. I am the selfish one. Why? Read this:

"A completely selfless love... never ask questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason why we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company".
~"The Unbearable Lightness of Being", Milan Kundera, p.297

I just realized I was being selfish. I wanted to be assured that's why I kept on expecting things from him. Since I always get disappointed, we fight. Correction, I fight with him. Hehehe! But I already apologized to him and we're turning three months on the 11! Yehey!

Friday, June 06, 2003


I had two hours of sleep, then I went to take TSE. I also got my TOEFL results and 270 rating is not bad if 300 is the perfect rating. But I'm still anxious with the TSE. It was like being at work coz I was talking to a headset and our voices were recorded. At least working in a callcenter is helpful after all. Imagine most of the examinees have paid for the TSE review! I went home and caught at least two more hours of sleep and woke up with cramps on my left calf. Yeah, I had bad nightmares (err... daymares?) a while ago.

Now I am here at work facing another 9-hour shift. I hope everything goes well this weekend.
What's behind your emotions?

Your emotions are triggered by your underlying belief in Integrity.

In other words, your uncompromisingly honest nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.

For example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you hold fast to your moral ideals. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in integrity and the range of emotions it triggers.


I just got my 5th month appraisal. I've been working for five months already in the company. Had a one-on-one talk again with my sup. (I know a lot of girls who would want that, but I guess it doesn't affect me at all. Probably because he's not my type.) Sssshh... Hahaha!
I will be a regular employee by next month. I just saw my evaluation form and I was glad. At least I belong somewhere now, although I know it's not for me forever. At least I know a company wants me, although I still want to work in a hospital. At least my salary will have a slight increase somehow, although it would not be much. At least I feel wanted somewhere, although I am not sure if I wanted to have a serious career here. At least I'm feeling a bit ok now, although I would still have to go through the weekend and I cannot decided what to do yet.

I'll meet a couple of friends tomorrow. At least somehow I have them to talk to when I feel like bursting with stories to tell and nobody's there to share it with.
I'll go visit him tomorrow since he's sick. He asked if I could visit him on Sunday since he wants me to be with him the whole day instead of a half day only, but I know I have to be with my family on Sunday.
I'm thinking of going to TPTS' first anniversary party in Hobbit House, but no definite plans yet since I am not sure what would happen tomorrow.
I'm seeing myself like a zombie again since I will do all these after a 9-hour work shift.
Later, I'll be getting my TSE (Test for Spoken English) exam. It's one of those requirements needed for people who wanted to apply for work in the US. I haven't received my TOEFL results yet though.

Wish me luck!
Been having problems with my archives these past few days. I want it to publish my monthly archives instead of weekly, but it has not yet been updating. Oh well.

So, what I did was read my archives ever since I started blogging. Pretend I'm reading them through another person's eyes.

My initial reaction: "This is pathetic!"


I hope nobody is reading this.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Kissing A Fool
~George Michael

You are far,
When I could have been your star,
You listened to people,
Who scared you to death, and from my heart,
Strange that you were strong enough,
To even make a start,
But you'll never find
Peace of mind,
Til you listen to your heart,

You can never change the way they feel,
Better let them do just what they will,
For they will,
If you let them,
Steal your heart from you,
Will always make a lover feel a fool,
But you knew I loved you,
We could have shown them all,
We should have seen love through,

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes,
Covered me with kisses and lies,
So goodbye,
But please don't take my heart,

You are far,
I'm never gonna be your star,
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart,
Maybe I'll be strong enough,
I don't know where to start,
But I'll never find
Peace of mind,
While I listen to my heart,

You can never change the way they feel,
Better let them do just what they will,
For they will,
If you let them,
Steal your heart,

And people,
Will always make a lover feel a fool,
But you knew I loved you,
We could have shown them all,

But remember this,
Every other kiss,
That you ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man,
One you really can surrender with,
I will wait for you,
Like I always do,
There's something there,
That can't compare with any other,

You are far,
When I could have been your star,
You listened to people,
Who scared you to death, and from my heart,
Strange that I was wrong enough,
To think you'd love me too.
I guess you were kissing a fool,
You must have been kissing a fool.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Scattered Thoughts
by Scatterbrain (that's me!)

A heart that is broken can be mended. The process would be painful. The pieces may become whole again but it will never be the same.

A trust that is broken can be regained, but not completely. There will always be caution since mistakes create lessons.

If we get hurt, we reach a threshold of pain then we become numb. When we cry, we reach a threshold of sorrow, then no more tears are left to fall.

If loving means getting hurt, why do we love? Is it worth it?

If one person is asking for forgiveness, will it be worth giving that person another chance?

"Is a fool on the throne relieved of responsibility merely because he is a fool?"
~The Unbearable Lightness of Being, MIlan Kundera, page 177

Tuesday, June 03, 2003


Thanks so much Lau for my blog lay-out. You may all jot down your comments. Just click the comment link below.

Thought to Ponder

"People's minds are trained largely at the expense of their hearts. This isn't so; it's only that there are more educable minds than there are educable hearts."
Officially Missing You

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you

Oh can't nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I'm officially

All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don't even know you at all
I don't know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say
That I'm officially missing you

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way
To let go of you

You know that I'm missing you
Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
And I'm officially missing you


Don't turn away when a situation arises today. At first you may be tempted to look the other way and simply go on as if you didn't notice what is happening right in front of you. Resist this urge, for it is vital that you speak your mind and set the record straight on what you feel. Your opinion on the situation is crucial, so don't shy away any longer.
When a white sheet of paper has one black ink drop on it, we often notice the dot that ruins the entire paper. Then we eventually discard that one and use another clean sheet of paper.

Just like a person living a clean life. When he does something out of his character (out of the ordinary), we often judge the person, not by all the good deeds he has done, but by that "one little mistake" he made.

Where is the justice in that?


On the other hand, I also believe in karma. All the bad or good deeds we do will always come back to us. Like when someone used to play with other people's feelings. A time will come when he falls truly in love, he will suffer the consequences of his past actions. It would usually turn out to be a waste of time when he will still be mending his previous mistakes even if he now has a chance to be happy. Too bad for him, right? It's a price he has to pay.

But since life is a chain reaction, even if you did not make that past mistake, you get also affected. Why? Probably because the only thing that you did was love that person who made a mistake. (But if it's going to be considered an error also on your part, then that would change the sense of this blog entry.) Most often, you get affected the most because you're hurting for both of you, not just for yourself.

Tell me again, where is the justice in that?