Monday, June 09, 2003

Selfish vs. Selfless

I have made a huge confession last weekend. I finally met two of my close buds from college and we spent half a day to update ourselves with whats going on with our lives. Of course, as expected, I had the most things to say since I have gone through a lot these past few months. I was glad I finally was able to have someone to openly talk with regarding some "delicate issues" in my life. We agreed to meet that night to go to a party.

I spent half the day facing him after the "fight" during the past few days. I just wanted to look into his eyes and tell him what's on my mind. I thought I just wasted my time there but I'm glad I went. At least, everything is cleared up between us.

I got back from his place to Manila and I was not feeling well already. Probably because I haven't had any sleep yet for the past 24 hours. I met my sis in the mall since we were supposed to go to The Hobbit Party to celebrate TPTS' first anniversary. We were waiting for my friends for about two hours already, when I just told my sis I cannot go to Hobbit Hole anymore. I felt nauseated. She was disappointed but it was ok after she saw my face. I also found out that Lifecafe would not be going, plus I have the feeling that Joan and Joy will not be able to make it. (And I was right.) So, I just bought my sister dinner. It was funny since our table was just across the table of a group, which includes two sexy starlets (Katya and Maui). People were glancing and some were even staring at them. But I think Maui's brother was the cute one. He was Katya's date.

Anyways, we got home at about midnight and I just felt so weak. Then I learned that Joan and Joy finished their "mission" at about 1AM! And they told me they're going to meet me at 9PM. Oh well.

Their conclusion about my situation: I am a martyr. Hahaha!
I admit I am because I have seen that "nature" in me eversince I was a kid with kiddie crushes.

I tend to give everything I have to him, but I also noticed I tend to "demand" things from him. Although he always apologizes for his shortcomings, I know most often that it's my mood changes that often start our "fights". It seems like I want to change him to someone I wanted. But I should not, since I loved him for who he is in the first place. Right? Last night, I have finished "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera. I know I can just relate to one of the situations in that novel and it creeps me out. I realized I am not really a martyr in the relationship. I am the selfish one. Why? Read this:

"A completely selfless love... never ask questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe, and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason why we are unable to love is that we yearn to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) from our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company".
~"The Unbearable Lightness of Being", Milan Kundera, p.297

I just realized I was being selfish. I wanted to be assured that's why I kept on expecting things from him. Since I always get disappointed, we fight. Correction, I fight with him. Hehehe! But I already apologized to him and we're turning three months on the 11! Yehey!

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