Sunday, November 30, 2003

Life's a Stage

I am here at work now, not wanting to be here but needing to be here. Aside from financial reasons, I also need a distraction. This day turned out to be more than what I expected.

SCENE 1:
About 8:30AM
ME: (calling work) Hello? Yeah, I'll be working tonight about 9-10PM.
WORK: Ok. You're expected by then. Bye!

SCENE 2:
About 9:00AM
After promising my sister a movie today...

MA: May I borrow money?
ME: Uh... I only have P2,000 left from my salary...
MA: I'll pay you first week of December. You're brother needs new shoes.
ME: (thinking) He brought his shoes last June. I bought my last pair 4 years ago! (out loud) Um... ok.

Scene 3:
I went to talk to my sis.
ME: Hey, we can't watch a movie today, sorry. I don't have money left for movies. Ma borrowed my money.
SIS: I was planning to get a pierce for my right ear!
ME: You can do it some other time.
SIS: But I need a companion. Oh well.. ok. It's up to you...

Scene 4:
I had a brilliant idea of borrowing VCD's instead and just watch them at home so I can still sleep before going to work. So my sis and I went to the nearest video rental shop, then bought some snacks for my parents and my sibs. I told myself I can watch until 5PM and I can sleep until 8PM.

Scene 5:
About 2:45PM
We got home.
ME: Pa, we bought snacks for us!
PA: Good.

I turned on the TV when suddenly...
PA: I'll be watching wrestling at 3PM.
ME: (really irritated because I seldom watch TV due to my anti-social schedule at work) You could have told me so we could have watched a movie instead. I have to return the VCD tomorrow!
PA: I did not get to watch wrestling because your mom watched Miss Earth and I was waiting for it the whole week.
ME: (thinking sarcastically) How could I rob the poor fellow of his wrestling match if it means the whole world to him? Oh well, if I'm used to NOT watching TV, why not give in now? I mean, I only watch the 30-minute "Sex and the City" a week and I missed that for the last two weeks too, so why not just go to sleep instead?

Stupid to argue. So, I turned off the TV and locked myself in our room. My stomach was not willing to take any food after that (I'm hungry now. Sheesh.) and I never realized how bad I felt until I got to "talk" to him.

Scene 6:
About 3:30PM
ME: (ranting) blah... blah... blah...
HIM: Why not talk to him and tell him how you feel?
ME: I couldn't talk to him. He's feeling sensitive nowadays (long story why) and he is wallowing in self-pity right now. Why tell him a piece of my mind? He might think I don't love him or something. (I think this self-pity thing has something to do with getting old.)
HIM: Ok. Then don't talk to him.
ME: Sorry for unloading my problems to you. It's that I don't have someone to talk to right now... and I don't feel understood at all. I mean, I'm doing everything for them. The fact that I am sacrificing my rest day just to do OT is for them. The fact that I go to work everyday even if I don't like my job at all. It's an awful feeling, you know.
(That's when my tear glands decided to produce a fluid that would lubricate my eyes and make them puffy and ugly. Then I realized I miss him and I want to be with him that time. We see each other only about once a week or sometimes once in two weeks.)
ME: (changing subject) I miss you. Do you miss me too? How was your day? Oh, please call me about 8PM so I'll wake up on time.
HIM: Sure, I'll call you.
ME: (thinking) Aba! Deadma and beauty ko! (out loud) Are you busy? I'm sorry for disturbing you. I know you don't miss me but it's just I'm feeling low right now...
HIM: (a bit irritated) There you go again! Why are you like that? Thinking I don't love you or miss you. Why would you feel insecure?!
ME: I am insecure because you make me feel insecure. You tell me you love me, care for me and miss me. All I have are just words. I don't feel them. Sorry maybe I just need someone to notice me right now. Alam kong KSP ako. Naglalambing lang naman ako sayo eh! Ok, goodnight!

I just wanted to be cared for and be loved and be missed coz I know I haven't felt those lately in my life. Is it a sin to ask for actions rather than words?

CUT!
I hope life's as easy as cutting the scene when you can't handle it already, but life goes on...
A Robot?

I took an 8-hour IT Basics class yesterday which started two hours after my Friday shift. I was awake for about 24 hours already. I was not able to watch TV last night since I slept after I got home. (I already missed two episodes of "Sex and the City". Darn.) Then I woke up earlier with a message on my phone requesting me to rending OT later tonight. I plan to attend the moot today. But due to financial reasons and parental constraints, I will spend my day sleeping so I can go to work later tonight. Let's see how my supposed "rest day" ends.

Sometimes, I feel like a machine. I just hope my I don't run out of batteries.

Tough life.

Friday, November 28, 2003

DREAMER
(Submissive Introvert Abstract Feeler )

Karen Kristie: DREAMER
Like just 11% of the population you are a DREAMER (SIAF)--reserved and imaginative. You are basically the shy, silent type. You don't have much interest in facts and figures or most of what's going on around you, but the internal worlds you build for yourself are rich and complex.

Luckily, your creativity and strong heart mean you have a deep personality evident to anyone who gets to know you. It's just that not many people do, because most everyone thinks you're a loser. Talk to yourself less, other people more, little shaver.
Low call volume due to Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.

Happy Turkey Day!

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Realization

In this life, sometimes it is not enough to have the talent, skill, intelligence, determination, great personality... One needs attractive physical features in order to get what one wants. It's not a surprise that because of awe, most people can bend to one's will if one has a very appealing outer shell... err... covering.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I wonder what beauty would be like if all of us are blind.

--------------------

To sensitive people like me, it is not unusual for one very happy moment to suddenly turn into one of the saddest moments in my life in just a few seconds.

I don't like the feeling. But I can't help it.

--------------------

I am so insecure. I don't have any reason to be, do I?

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Breaking Walls

Sometimes when you want a person to change, a bad habit for example, it's not good to always notice and make that person face all the negative things he has done. Sometimes, the key is to focus on that person's good side and see what happens.

I just wanted to be sincere. I knew he was having difficulties adjusting his life. I knew he is aware of what he did wrong and I knew he is sorry for that. But he can't seem to set his priorities straight. I told him he should know what's important and what means a lot to him.

I was mad at him yesterday. So what I did was enumerate all his weaknesses and all the hurt that he has caused. I just wanted him to know what he's doing. Then he told me he's sorry. But we've been there before. He's sorry. Then what? He'll end up doing it again.

Like I said, I just wanted to be honest. Maybe the tactic was not to show his face all the negative things he did. Without knowing it at first, I made him realize that he is a good man. Maybe not all people know him as I do. Maybe not all people found something in him that is worth taking a risk for. People can change if they want to. It's all about making wise decisions.

It was just an honest-to-goodness, heartfelt compliment he may never have heard before from anyone in his life. But it brought tears to his eyes. Then I knew, I tugged a string in his heart. And I'm glad.
Bored, so here goes:

HASH(0x86f7dd8)
Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, November 24, 2003

Upper left wisdom tooth erupting. Tender gums. Very painful process.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Nearly through re-reading "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban". I just wanted to refresh my memory to get ready for the movie next year (since I just finished re-reading "The Lord of the Rings:The Return of the King" too for the premiere next month.)

And...

I think I'm falling in love with Professor Remus J. Lupin a.k.a. Moony.

*sigh*

You're just too good to be true... Can't take my eyes off you...

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Fever

Never know how much I love you, never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear
You give me fever - when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight
Fever - in the the morning, fever all through the night.
Sun lights up the daytime, moon lights up the night
I light up when you call my name, and you know I'm gonna treat you right
You give me fever - when you kiss me, fever when you hold me tight
Fever - in the the morning, fever all through the night. (Michael Bublé)


No. Not this kind of fever. I think I have the real thing. I have a bad headache too. I'm glad it's weekend already. I can't wait to go home and rest.

Temperature (inner ear): 38 degrees
Celsius

The nurse asked if I wanna go home and rest. I told her there is an hour and a half left in my shift, I don't want to go undertime.

It's not that I am very loyal to my work. During desperate times, sacrifice health for wealth.

Stupid but practical. Practical but stupid. Sheesh.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

I just finished rereading "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King". I swear it gets more interesting with every read. I learn something new everytime that I might not have noted during the last reading. The Arwen-Aragorn story was so touching. I wonder what I'd feel after completely reading the Beren-LĂșthien story.
*sigh*

Now I'm ready for the movie!
Time for Change

Since my sister and I will not be sharing our room anymore with my cousin, uncle and aunt (yes, there were five of us staying in one room before), we made some changes and made our room more personalized. It was a great feeling to re-arrange everything, even the position of the bed. Trash and other stuff not needed were thrown away. The book cabinet was transferred from my bro's room to ours. Everything was spic and span and we had more space. I was tried since we did the cleaning right after I got home from work. But it was worth it.

If some changes can give me more breathing space and make me feel "lighter" and more comfortable, I wonder what other changes do I need to undergo in my life (and in myself)?

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Forth Eorlingas!

UP Alpha Sigma Fraternity and The Philippine Tolkien Society present an advance screening of "The Return of the King" on December 22, 7:30pm, SM Megamall, Cinema 3.

See the news at the front page of The One Ring.Net

The Road goes ever on and on
Out from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
Let others follow it who can!
Let them a journey new begin,
But I at last with weary feet
Will turn towards the lighted inn,
My evening-rest and sleep to meet.

~The Road Goes Ever On and On by Bilbo Baggins
Our home is so quiet I can hear my own thoughts.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Moving On

My kid cousin, aunt and uncle arrived today after spending almost a month in Bulacan with my aunt's relatives. My cousin looked taller and he can speak more words now since he'll be three next month. My cousin was hesitant to come inside the house earlier. It was funny. Like he is going in a strange place, but he practically grew up in our house (they arrived from Cebu when he was three months old). They were busy arranging their stuff. The house was noisy again with shouts and screams and laughs. I noticed my parents were happy today. It seems like only a child's presence can make them get out of their "boring and depressing worlds". I mean, imagine having two early adults and a teenager in the house and both of them have no work (my father has retired already). All of us children have practically our own lives to live and problems to face. If I were in their place, I'd find the house boring.

Now, my uncle's family is going back to Cebu tomorrow (ship leaves 3PM) after almost 3 years of staying with us. I'll never witness my cousin grow up to be a school boy. But I know that sooner or later, they have to start their own lives. They can't depend on us forever and I'm pretty sure with my mom's help, my uncle was able to save up for their fresh start in their hometown.

I'm gonna miss them, especially that naughty and smart cousin of mine. I envy them somehow. Finally they have their own "wings" to fly. Scary, but very exciting.
Sweet Dream

Two nights ago, I had a wonderful dream about this guy:


If he looks familiar but you can't remember where you saw him, just click here


I dunno what my subconscious is telling me, but it's been more than a year since I last saw this guy perform live and it's been weeks since I thought about him. I wish I never woke up from that dream. Ok, I admit. He is one of my ultimate crushes aside from Orlando Bloom and Prince William. I also do not know what is it with British men (Orlando Bloom from Canterbury, Kent; Prince William from oh well, we all know who he is; and Mark Feehily from Sligo, Ireland) that turns me on. But I know it is more than just the accent.
Stolen Time

Yesterday, I bought my sister her birthday gift "Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code" by Eoin Colfer, then we spent some time together before going home. We arrived home a bit late and that was the reason why my mom scolded her for waking up late for school earlier today. I don't think I am a bad influence to my sister. I mean, it's not everyday that we go out and spend quality and quantity time together and my sister knows better than to sacrifice school work for unimportant leisure. She knows when to and when not to have fun.

I remembered my own experiences by the way my mom shouted at her this morning. Honestly, I was buried in books during my high school days because of pressure from my parents and I did not enjoy my adolescent stage. I told myself, when I get to college, I will enjoy my life. That did not happen too since I pressured myself to do well in college. I graduated and passed the board exams with a line of 8 average. Look where it led me. I don't think getting an GPA of 3.00 and 1.00 during college makes much of a difference when it comes to getting a decent job here in the Philippines (that statement is based on my personal experience as a B.S. Physical Therapy student).

Now I'm looking at my sister. Her grades are ok since her lowest is 2.75 and highest is 1.25 during the last grading period. My mean, what the heck, in UP, I thank God for getting a passing 3.00! To think she's also taking up B.S. Nursing. It's an in-demand career right now and that means whether you're a cum laude or you barely passed college, as long as you graduate, you will have a job. Period. Then what's the big deal of "robbing" my sis of a few hours of fun times in her teenage years just because of one night not spent studying?!

What I just want to write about is the fact that I don't want my sister to turn out like me-- bitter and discontented. A rebel during early adulthood. My sis also told me that my mom is worried I'll become rebellious once she confronts me about my "secret" relationship. She knows. I'll tell her about it when I'm ready-- when we're ready. (Ready means we both have stable jobs and he can provide for both of us.) But I'm not a "major" rebel, so why worry? Besides, I'm too much of a coward to leave home and start my own life away from home. I don't have the guts and the means-- yet. I am not teaching my sister to rebel against my parents. She is mature enough to decide and she is still a sane and good daughter for my parents. I'm glad. At least one of us is.


Me and my younger sis about 16 years ago
Gifts

It has been months now since I attended the moot for TPTS. Yesterday, I was able to attend one since it's my day off and I have the money to pay for the book I reserved. I was glad I went since I got to meet new people and got to talk with friends I haven't seen for a long time. I was a bit late coz I have to wait for my sis finish her ROTC. It was also my advance birthday treat for her. Turned out I was the one who got a treat. It's always tough attending moots without my friend coz I miss her more when I go alone. Then again, she gave me the best gifts I had this year. They were late birthday gifts for me but I didn't care. Thank you so much. Thanks to you also for keeping them for me. I'm so sorry for the delay.


A Guide to Tolkien by David Day



I got the Legolas and Gimli "The Two Towers" bookmark

Friday, November 14, 2003

I just want to remind myself that I forgot our 8th monthsary (11 November 2003).


So here goes:



Belated Happy 8th Monthsary, Lisse!

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Specs or no specs?


Specs?

I think it's already been a week since I last wore my contact lenses. I never went to see a doctor since the irritation on my eye is gone already. But I'm still hesitant to continue wearing my contacts. I'll give it a week probably then I'll start wearing those again.

It's good that I'm near-sighted at least I don't need those when I'm working in front of the PC. I only have difficulty when I'm already outside the office--- difficulty in recognizing faces from a few meters away, traffic signs, reading words, transportation info, billboards, etc. My mom suggested I wear eyeglasses again. It's been 5 years since I last wore a pair of specs. I don't think I want to look "geeky" again. (It's not that I hate eyeglasses. I think some people are cute wearing eyeglasses. But I don't think it's for me.)


No specs?

I said: "No more brown-eyed girl for you." (I wore brown contact lenses.)
He said: "You're eyes are prettier without the contacts."

*sigh*
vamp
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


"And The Vampire was all that remained on the blood drowned creation. She attempted to regrow life from the dead. But as she was about to give the breath of life, she was consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek) and Isis (Egyptian). The Vampire is associated with the concept of death, the number 9, and the element of fire. Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic individual. You may be a little idealistic, but you are very grounded and down to earth. You realize that not everything lasts, but you savor every minute of the good times. While you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you have strong ties with people that will never be broken. Vampires are the best friends to have because they are sensible.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Waking Life



I watched this interesting movie earlier this afternoon in Star Movies. It's an independent film with a surreal feel. It was cool since the movie was shot first with real actors (look out for Ethan Hawke and Adam Goldberg) and it was turned into animation by a process they call rotoscoping.

It discussed about life (of course), dreams, free-will, freedom, re-incarnation, love, death, time, space, and those things pondered by philosophers then and now. The main character, Wiley, met people telling him their views and opinions during his "journey" in the dream state (but he was not sure if he was in an endless dream state or he was just plain dead). The movie was mind-stirring since I have formulated questions of my own about my own life. And I'm afraid I don't have the answers to these questions too.

--------------------

Matrix: Revolutions



The third and last installment of the movie. In my humble opinion, this is the best of the three. Why? It basically answered all the questions I have from the first and the second movie, so I named it Matrix: Revalations. Hehehe! The effects were really cool. I can't help but think of "Terminator" (machines vs. humans) and "Final Fantasy" (alien-blasting ships) while watching this movie. Of course, the philosophic theme about destiny and choices just added spice to this flick.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

For my friends

I miss my friends. Really.
Wherever you are, thanks for all the memories.
Others may not be included in the pictures but you know who you are.



This is a pic taken during my high school graduation day in the quadrangle of my alma mater, San Sebastian College - Recoletos.



This was taken during our field trip on a beach in Batangas when I was in first year college in the University of the Philippines - Manila.
I think we're ok now. Like I said, there are no issues that cannot be peacefully discussed between two sober minds.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Alcohol 2
(a.k.a. "Love Sucks" Day : more personal version)

This is somewhat a blow by blow account of what transpired in my pathetic love life for the past 24 hours. I was thinking at first to post this in my personal blog instead. But I guess since I'll be telling the truth it won't be a problem in case persons involved in this entry get to read this. I won't be mentioning names anyways. Tagalog words were used to make it more real. Again, if you're not interested to read this, then don't. It's more for my friends out there who I rarely see or talk to. I am also hoping my parents won't get to read this. Hehehe!

I always know when he gets to drink too much just from reading his replies to my text messages. There would always be some "flaws" in his replies that would make me feel like something's not normal. I knew last night he was drinking while he told me to take care on my way to work (about 9:30PM). It's not actually a big deal. I mean, I've been in that situation several times before. We've been together for almost eight months now and I've always had that "detective instinct". Since I'm a Cancer, I always trust my instincts.

So I replied, "Dahan-dahan lang sa pag-inom ha."
He was surprised and asked me why I knew. He tried to deny it at first, but later I learned the culprit was J&B (yeah, that friggin' scotch whiskey). He was with his cousin blah-blah-blah...
Then later there was a missed call from him.
I asked why he made the call. No answer. Maybe he was already asleep.
Like I said, no big deal. I'm used to it.

On the other hand, I got this email from a friend (friend 1) at about 1:30AM. She is having problems with her love life. Another case of one-way street love thing. I told her almost everyone has gone through that stage-- fall in love with someone who does not feel the same way. I've been there dozens of times when I was still studying. But I hope this I'll get to see this friend soon. Coz I know she would want to talk about this. And I miss her.

Then later, I got a text message from another friend (friend 2) at about 3:00AM. She said she's falling head-over-heels in love with someone, but there are some complications. She does not want to fall in love anymore. Then I thought why not meet with friends 1 and 2 so we can talk about these love problems they have. But unfortunately, this friend 2 is busy also and we still don't know when our work schedules would allow us to see each other.

I was thinking what was wrong with this day. Was it "Love Sucks Day"? Then I thought, lucky me. I have someone who loves me.

Morning came, at about 6:30AM I sent him my usual morning message. His head was aching. I thought so. He always gets a bad hang-over after a late night drinking spree. Before I would always be concerned. I used to tell him to sleep some more or drink hot coffee, but now I told him, "Sanay ka na naman dyan eh."

I dunno if that's what started it. Here's our exchange of messages:

ME: What time ka ba uwi mamaya? Kita sana tayo for lunch.
HIM: Sana sinabi mo kahapon pa. (Bakit? Para hindi na sya uminom at umiwas sa hang-over? As if. I just wanna do spontaneous things in our relationship. I think it spices the relationship and it prevents boredom to settle in.)
ME: Sorry ha, ngayon ko lang naman naisip kasi magpapa-check up ako sa doctor ngayon. Pwede pala tayo magkita bago ka man lang umuwi.
HIM: May mga susunod na araw pa naman eh. (This time I was thinking, what the hell, ako na lang ba lagi mag-iinitiate ng dates namin? At ako pa ang weekends lang libre ha.)
ME (in a joking manner): Meron pa ba? Hehehe! *insert smiley face*
HIM: Ewan ko sayo! Bahala ka na nga dyan. Masakit ulo ko.


Then my world suddenly stopped... Maybe for about 5 minutes I was just staring at that reply. I dunno what to do. I did not cry but it hurts so much. (Now, while I'm typing about it, it's making me cry... Or maybe because Avril Lavigne's "Why" is playing on the background right now.)

Then I felt angry.

ME: Wag mong ibunton ang galit sa akin dahil hindi ako ang may kasalanan na may hang-over ka.

No reply. For about 2 hours already, I was waiting for a reply. I thought I'd call him or send him a message. I did not. I do not know what to do.

It's not supposed to hurt this way. I need you, I need you, more and more each day...
I haven't seen Matrix: Revolutions but I just wanted to get into the fever...

You are Neo
You are Neo,
from "The Matrix."
You display a perfect fusion of heroism and compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

--------------------

My Inner Child

My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!


Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

--------------------



You are smart, you are known as
Lil-Miss-Know-It-All..... But sometimes
you could get pretty annoying


Which Harry Potter Character Are You?
by Toffie @ CookieWhore.Net

Friday, November 07, 2003

Alcohol
(And I don't mean isopropyl)

Something happened that's why I suddenly got an urge to write this. If you don't agree with me, I don't care. Don't read. It's my blog and I'm gonna write my opinions if I want to.

I have nothing against drinking alcoholic beverages. But I don't see why there is a need to get drunk and let alcohol affect your mind instead of letting it go down to your stomach. No wonder why, aside from drugs, being drunk is one of the reason why a crime is committed.

It's also a lame excuse when a person who is being convicted in court says he raped his daughter because he was drunk or some sort of bad spirit (spirit of alcohol?) got in his system that made him commit a crime. A**hole. If he was thinking it's manly to drink, why can't he be manly enough and responsible enough to know when to stop?

Some people say they want to drown themselves in alcohol because of problems. I read once in a medical journal that alcohol in the system actually does not help to forget, it helps us remember details. Who would want to enhance their memory of details when you want to forget your problems right? Stupid. No wonder people cry more when drunk(or laugh more or talk more. It depends.)

Sometimes, since a person is not completely aware of what he is saying or doing when drunk, other people get hurt. Maybe because of being tactless (or if you look at it on the other side of the spectrum, truthful). But wouldn't it be better if issues between people were discussed when both of them are sober?
I had only four hours of sleep earlier but spending time with him instead was well worth it. I never thought I missed him a lot until I saw him. Three hours worth of talk over brunch was not enough. I'm hoping to spend more time with him 'coz I don't want to end up singing Avril's "Why" (Are you and me still together? Tell me!). But I know it's going to be tough since he would be busy with his job hunting starting next week. I wish him luck though.

--------------------

I got this irritation in my left eye. The nurse said it was an infection. It's not sore eyes or anything contagious but I stopped wearing my contact lenses for two days now. So, if you see me squinting every now and then, it's just me seeing blurry images from afar. I'm near-sighted (like all my family members).

--------------------

Jesse Bradford

Got home tired and my father gave me this postcard. It was from Jesse Bradford. Well, I don't think it personally came from Jesse. The return address is his fan club address. But honestly, I cannot remember if I wrote him a letter before or checked out his site... I really don't know. But my name and address were correct. I wonder how they got those info. Anyways, I like the guy a lot. Saw some of his movies when he was a kid and I knew that he'd turn out ot be a gorgeous lad. He's not active in making movies but he is in theater. But the coolest part of it was he personally wrote my name on the postcard (with his black and white photo), wrote a dedication, drew a heart and signed it using a silver pen.

*teeny bopper me on the loose!!!*


Jesse Bradford postcard

--------------------

Thank God it's Friday.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Memories

I still continued with the "keeping myself busy" scheme. So what I did today was dig up my old diaries, comprised of three unused and covered notebooks, which contained my life's memories from August of 1992 until March of 1996. The cover has "Secret. For my eyes only" written over it. Hahaha! Very conspicuous!

It was like traveling through time. I can see the change of my handwriting depending on my age and my moods. I realized I "fell in love" hundreds of times before. I also noticed through those years that I have just three wishes in life: (1) to be rich; (2) to lose weight; (3) to be loved in return. I think the first and second wishes, I have yet to fulfill those. But the third wish, I think I know how that feels now. I noticed that I had strong faith in God during those moments in my life--- moments I considered my lowest point in terms of family problems. I called them "The Dark Ages". Hehe! I realized I made a lot of friends and fought with some of them. I also noticed that I really was concerned about getting the first honors in high school just to please my parents and just so they won't break up. I was worried then that I would be a product of a broken home. Imagine how my parents must have felt when I didn't become valedictorian on my fourth and last year. But I'm glad my family is still together until now.

I really am pathetic when it comes to infatuation. I thought every crush I had is the love of my life! I think it's congenital. Blame it on the genes. Hahaha! I wonder what's going on with the lives of these people now. I also got to read my graduation notebook. It's where I kept the messages my batchmates wrote for me just before graduation.

I also found a birthday card made for me by my sister during my 12th birthday. She was six years old then. I laughed and showed it to my bro and parents. They were all teasing her about it especially when she handwrote the lines "I love you all day and also night". It's cute!


The card my sister created for me. Dated July 10, 1993.

I stopped writing on a diary when I started college. I thought it was childish. But since it's a technology-driven world, I found myself blogging over a year ago. So, I guess it isn't childish after all. It's still considered a diary. But this time, it's not secret anymore. Or is it?

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Spot the Difference

During times when I feel sad, I keep myself busy so I won't spend my time crying and listening to sappy love songs. So, I made some changes in my blog. If you look at the right side of your screen, you can see there several minute changes. You may not have noticed them if I had not pointed them out.

Thanks to you for the buttons and for the HTML tips (for the sort-of informal HTML tutorial).

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"Why"
~Avril Lavigne~
Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
I could feel I could feel you near me, even when you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go ahead and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel
I could feel I could feel you near me, even though you're far away
I could feel I could feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Monday, November 03, 2003

I went to the bookstore earlier and I realized that I've been missing a lot of stuff lately. There are a lot of great books out there! New books from Paulo Coelho, Anne Rice and Nicholas Sparks! *drool* The main reason why I was browsing for some books was that I wanted to get a birthday present for my sis. Her birthday would be on the 26th, but she was feeling crappy last weekend. I told her I'd pay for her F4 tickets (she's been dreaming of meeting Vic Zhou), but despite that, my mom would not allow her since she went to the last concert (wherein Vic Zhou did not perform). Then we saw dozens of Eoin Colfer's "The Eternity Code" (book three of Artemis Fowl) and she said that book would be a nice gift instead. So, I'm saving up for it.

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I went to work earlier and noticed that some of the homes on our street already have glittering Christmas lights on their windows. Time flies by so fast...

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He thinks I'm mad that's why he is worried. Am I? Maybe I am. I mean, I was lucky if he sent me at least three messages a day. I don't think he missed me as much as I missed him. Quite unexpectedly, he already arrived in Manila from the province. I dunno when I'll be seeing him. Am I looking forward to meeting him? I'm not sure. I was hurt. I'm not making plans. I'll let him formulate a plan for a change.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

It is not a great feeling when you always remember or think of someone, but that someone seldom or never remembers or thinks of you.