Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stuck in a Rut

I really wanted to blog yesterday. I have lots of questions bugging me right now. A day out of town with friends should have been a week out of town. I didn't get to blog yesterday. Partly because I was afraid I might post things I will regret in the future. Partly because I was so mad I might break something. Don't get me wrong, I am not violent. Then again, I don't think I should apologize for what I feel. This is my outlet. It has been for many years now. I have always taken it a day at a time. I have always gotten up after every fall. I am emotional. I know it. I actually wanted to write a book that starts with "I used to have a dream...", but I don't want to finalize my life by putting "used-to" before "dream".

It's just that there are some people who rely on others to fill their shortcomings. Other people may have a savior-complex wherein they need to always be there for others and suffer because others don't complete their end of the bargain. I am not one of those. I have put my family on top of my priority list, but I have a life I have to live too. Being the eldest and shouldering most of the family's finances have really impacted me in such a way that I am not really giddy and excited on meeting a man, getting married and starting a family. I am exhausted at this point in my life and hopefully, when I get the chance to live for myself, I would want to enjoy the world and what it can give. I want to work for myself for a change. I want to imagine I have the world to myself for a change. Maybe if (or when?) I become very, very rich, then I could shoulder all the financial burden of all my extended family. Now, I don't think so. Other people should be responsible enough to know that they have a role to play. I did not sign up for this. If someone did, that someone should not pass it on to me.

I am taking this a day at a time. It seems like that's what I have been doing for most part of my adult life. It's not fun. I hope something will find me and take me away from all of these. I would then be glad.


gene said...

"i hope SOMETHING will find me..."

Hindi kaya dapat, "someone"?

just asking...

galenlondeien said...

Nope! I thought of that but it will totally contradict the 5th sentence of my 2nd paragraph, right?

So, I am just wishing for "something". Death maybe. Wahahaha!