Sunday, June 11, 2006

Officially Single?

scribbled in my bedroom, 4:10 PM, 10 June 2006

Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carrying on*

I don't even know what a "cool off" means. This is my first. As I understand, it's like suspending a relationship for an indefinite period of time. Probably including communication. But there is no set of rules on how to do it so I'm kinda lost right now. They say it allows "breathing space" or "taking a break". I say, what for? If the relationship is precious enough, one would drown oneself in it and would never entertain the thought of breaking away from it. If there's a problem, fix it. Don't avoid it. If it doesn't work, then let go. Easy as that.

Now that I'm in the situation, I learned that it's really not as easy as that. There are lots of factors to consider and reasons to weigh out. I'm scared to break off because I don't know what will happen, but I'm too tired of always trying to sort everything out.

ayoko na munang makita ka
ayoko na munang makasama ka
gusto ko sanang mapag-isa
'di na yata tayo masaya
'di na yata kakayanin pa
gusto ko munang mapag-isa**

It would have been best to face him while asking for a "break", but due to different priorities we still couldn't agree on meeting. So, I'm preventing myself from looking at our pictures and all those (used to be) sweet messages he sent all saved in a special folder. Ever felt a lump in the throat? No, I don't wanna cry. Geez. But that felt like a long time ago.

Our 39th month tomorrow and out of those 39 months we probably only spent less than a quarter of that together. But he's not agreeing to my request. He wants to "talk things out" and wanted me to sleep first. I've been awake for the past 20 hours and he thought that decision is only brought about by stress and lack of sleep. This is not another threat. It's been bugging me for months now. I doubt that talking would do wonders.

ayoko na munang lapitan ka
ayoko na munang makausap ka
gusto ko sanang mapag-isa
'di na tayo magkasundo
sumisikip na ang ating mundo
time out muna tayo**

So, am I officially single? No. Not yet.
Am I going to be an available bachelorette? I doubt it. I would like to enjoy single blessedness again.
For an indefinite period of time? Who knows? Maybe for good.
It's like a day before the monthsary and a month before my birthday. Ironic, isn't it?

siguro'y ito na nga
intindihin mo na
kailangan lang natin ng pahinga
palayain ang isa't isa
kung tayo, tayo talaga**

* "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter
** "Cool Off" by Session Road


Jaz said...

oh this is just so sad :(

perhaps with this *cool off* period, you guys can evaluate the value of your relationship & finally get to sort things out.

hoping for the best!

kikaygal said...

I personally don't believe in "cool off" stage. And you're right, if you can work the relationship out, you'll both try to make it work. If not, then you might as well break up. But hey, if you're in that situation, try to sort things out. :D And I say talk to him personally about your situation. Mahirap makipagbreak sa phone or text. Been there, done that! :D

I know this is cliche, but you're going to be fine. Hell yeah, it hurts, but you'll get over it. :D

u l a n said...

*hug* :)

~*galenlondeien*~ said...

Jaz: Thanks so much! :)

kikaygal: Thanks for the advice. We met. I saw to it we did. He didn't agree to it. We both don't understand what "cool off" means. But I really need a breather and I told him that. We'll just see what happens.

u l a n: *hugs* I miss you so much!