I just attended a stress management class and I learned and decided to maintain my "outlet" in order to let all my "issues" out. So here goes...

Commitment

Aside from not meeting Mr. Right, another reason why I stayed single for about 22 years was that I am afraid of commitment. I did not think I was ready. No, it's not because I want to go out with as many guys as possible and have flings first before getting serious. It's actually the opposite. The reason was because I knew that when I fall with a person, I really fall hard. Yes, I do "fall" several times a day. I've had hundreds of crushes ever since I was 7 years old. But I told myself that when I find someone who will also love me and appreciate my existence, and that when I finally fall in love, THAT IS IT. It's like falling into an abyss. There's no turning back.

I remember some guy told me before that I'm the ice princess. He said I have this wall around me that keeps me inside and also keeps other people out. If he only knew...

I'm a crab. I have this protective shell around me. It keeps me in a comfort zone because deep inside is a soft and weak being. If someone would be able to pry it open, then that someone will see the real me. That's why I was careful in choosing the people who'll get the chance break that wall.

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We were supposed to meet tomorrow, but since he has to prioritize his family first, we'll postpone the plan for another day.

I have been trying to convince myself that it's ok... that he has his own priorities... that I don't have the right to demand something from him, especially something as precious as time. I think I'll get used to that since I know people have their own way of expressing love and care. It may not be enough for me, but he may already be giving it his best shot... Right? (There goes my insecurity.)

I'm writing all of these knowing he won't get to read it. Someday probably but at least not now.

I feel torn.

Something inside me is telling me I want to sepnd more time with him. I want to know his feelings, to know what he thinks, to laugh with him, to share my thoughts with--- things that text messages and phonecalls cannot suffice. I want to tell him that I'm giving this relationship my best shot but I think I'm the only one struggling.

But another part of me is telling myself to give him space. I don't want him to tell me he's getting "suffocated" already. I understand that he has his own life and that my life does not revolve around him. (Does it?) I know that I lived before I met him and I will survive even if he's not around.

Yes. Probably. But it will never be the same.

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Before, I can be alone and not feel lonely, but now, I feel lonely whenever I'm alone.