What's your pop star style?

DEEP 'N SOULFUL

You project a cool, intellectual vibe, and your friends and family are probably often impressed (and maybe a little intimidated) when you wax philosophical. You may be a little more serious than most of today's pop stars, but your thoughtful, artistic persona adds a level of mystery and sophistication that your fans are sure to find irresistible.

Pop stars like you prefer small, intimate venues to big stadium shows. That's because you really want to connect with people in an authentic way. When it comes to your style, you should veer toward simple and straightforward — you don't want to distract anyone from your music or your meaning. Black turtleneck or sleeveless shell and casual pants? Sounds good. If you want a bit more flash, showcase your personality through a wild pair of shoes, cool coat, or accessories like that to-die-for bracelet. To those who really get you, your basic attire will only make your passionate and profound nature burn more brightly.

--------------------------

Sometimes, people hate you and you don't know why... some of them don't even know THE REAL YOU.

Sometimes, you hate someone and you don't know why... most of the time, you don't even know the real him or her.

Saw this posted on one of the workstation walls at work:

Your presence is a gift to the world,
you're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be -
Take it one day at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along.
Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself;
Your dreams are waiting to be realized.
Don't leave your important decisions to chance -
Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously -
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way -
Remember that a lot goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise inverstment,
Life's treasures are people... together.

Have health and hope and happiness,
Take the time to wish on star.
And don't ever forget for even a day...
How very special YOU are!
~~Anonymous~~

I wonder why the only person who can make you feel much loved may also be the same person who can hurt you so deep.

I remembered a message a friend once sent me.

When you love a person, you do not only give him/her the right to love you but also the power to hurt you.

If ever you wondered if you touched my soul yes you do
Since I met you I'm not the same
You bring life to everything I do
Just the way you say hello
With one touch I can't let go
Never thought I'd fall in love with you...
Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and joy you bring
~Keith Martin, "Because of You"

What's Love? (got to do with it)
Got this from the mail today: *sniff* *sniff*

For all you people who say "I love you" when you have no clue what love exactly is. Something to ponder upon...

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught withing your chest? It isn't love, it's LIKE.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right? It isn't love, it's LUST.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off? It isn't love, it's LUCK.
Do you want them because you know they're there? It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants? It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hands? It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them? It isn't love, it's PITY.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat? it isn't love, it's INFATUATION.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them? It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you thing of? It isn't love, it's a LIE.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake? It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad? Then it's LOVE.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong? Then it's LOVE.
Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? Then it's LOVE.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensive mix of pain and relation pulls you close and hold you there? Then it's LOVE.
Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are? Then it's LOVE.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret? Then it's LOVE.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death? Then it's LOVE.

When we meet the right person to love, at the right place, at the right time. That's chance.
When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance.
Being caught up in a moment (and there's a lot of couples who get together because of this) is not a choice, that's also chance.
The difference is, what happens afterwards? When will you take that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and then contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling.
If you decide to love the person, even with his faults, that's not chance. That's choice.
When you choose to be with a person no matter what, that's choice.
Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice.
Infatuation, crushes, attraction comes to us by chance. But true love that lasts is truly a choice.

Regarding soulmates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this--"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen."

I believe that soulmates exist and that there is truly someone made for you. But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're
going to do something about it or not. We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make.

CANCER
You will sail through the day on the most gentle of breezes. It's as if you've just come back from a week in the country. You are calm and relaxed, and no amount of trouble at work can shake this feeling. You see things in a more positive light, and problems that once seemed insurmountable now resolve themselves almost without your help!

Hahahaha! Read my previous entry and you'll understand why I found this funny.

Escape

It's been raining for about three days now. It's refreshing. A bit of a change from the heat. While on my way to work earlier, the surroundings felt gloomy and sad. But I'm glad I'm not in my depressing mode today. Aside from the fact that it's Memorial Day in the States (which means lesser workload for us today), I also had a memorable weekend. No Monday syndrome*** for me!

Finally saw the beach. It's been a long time since I caught the glimpse of one, aside from the usual Manila Bay that is accessible from my place. But I've always longed to wade in one. Although I still haven't done that, I got so close to the splashing waves last weekend that I felt like diving in it with all my travel clothes on. I was disappointed since I still hadn't done my wish of going night swimming, but I guess I will have time for that in the future. Looking into the bright side, I was able to go to places I have never been to before. It was like taking a field trip again. (I miss those since I had that annually during my elementary and high school days.) After the van I was riding on took us to the sea, it took us to the mountains. I finally saw cows, goats, pigs and chickens all in one place again. Animals, and not to mention a variety of fruits, made my day. I miss the province...

I didn't spend much time with my family last weekend. That was the sacrifice I had to make just to enjoy the scenery and the experience. But I'm glad I did it.

--------------------
***signs and symptoms consist of laziness and lack of enthusiasm to work, longing and looking forward to the next day off, less than 100% effective and efficient in terms of work productivity.

"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into the heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half-real, his movements are as free as they are insignificant."

~Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, page 5

Scribbles from a place with the Golden Arches
(Makati 9:15AM 22 May 2003)

Just when you expect the day to give you happy moments, the unexpected happens. Just when you think everything will go well as planned, disappointment occurs. It's ok when circumstances let you down, but sometimes when people, whom you trust with all your life, disappoint you, then it leaves a hollow feeling inside.

I'm in my "selfish mode" again. I've had these "modes" often these past few weeks. Probably because I just expect too much from people-- I just expect too much from life. I let my guard down, give my trust completely, give it my best shot... then I end up empty-handed.

Hits you right smack in the face, leaving you dumbfounded...and wounded... and sad... And in the end, you still never knew what hit you.

(10:34AM)
Damn life.
Can I die now?
Please.
Someone kill me.
Or something... anything.

--------------------
(3:00 AM Makati 23 May 2003)

My mom left for Bacolod today. My lolo (her uncle) died two days ago. As expected with any Filipino family, it will be a reunion type of grieving. My Ma was planning to take my sis with her, but since we cannot afford it and my sis actually would rather stay here in Manila, she went alone... she left us again.

People come and people go.

To my LOLO FELIPE: I know wherever you are, you are already resting in peace. We'll miss you!

Destiny?

Your destiny is to be a Provider

Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Provider, you have a genuine nurturing concern for the welfare of others and you're eager to serve them. You can recognize exactly what people need and your friendly, helpful, social nature makes them feel comforted. With your kind and generous heart, you are personable, talkative, and outward with your emotions, and your openness and sensitivity makes you concerned about the way others view you. Along these lines, be careful not to blame yourself when things go wrong. You cannot prevent bad things from happening, even though your tendency to be orderly with a strong sense of right and wrong may lead you to believe you can. Accept that you do what you can to take care of things and that this will get you far in the world.

NOTE: So that explains it! Hahahaha! Wish I were a man if I were to be a provider.

Wisdumb?

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
- Harlan Ellison

CANCER
If you have always felt the desire to do something as a writer, now is the time to take the plunge. You certainly don't lack the imagination! The problem you have may be that you have more difficulties taking your prose seriously. Don't think so seriously about being a "Writer." Just write! And above all, don't hesitate to let people read what you write. A writer's group would be a great way for you to come out of hiding.

Isn't it weird. Isn't it strange. Now that I can't think of anything to write. Hahahaha!

Oh well. I'm still pondering on the mistakes I made from the past (especially just within the past few days). Mistakes that made me learn some unforgettable lessons in life. Lessons that, I know, can be prevented but just had to happen-- either because I wanted it to happen, or maybe because it was just a spur-of-the-moment sheer stupidity attack. They happen for a reason. Some I may not know why yet but I know time will come when everything will be revealed to me. When? I also do not know. And I'm beginning to understand that I do not know much about this life-- about my life.

I can remember a scene from "Matrix: Reloaded" when the Architect was telling Neo about the decisions he made and will make in his life and why he was seeing (or not seeing) the future in his dreams. I understood that concept. The movie was way cool too! My mind was overwhelmed with the special effects and the psychological hoopla in the lines of the characters. But I think it was better and more complicated than the first one. Medyo bitin but I'm used to "The Lord of the Rings" so that's ok.

I hope everything turns out right.
Just a thought for myself: what I think is right for me may not be necessarily what's best for me.

Sinking

I am not ok. They say when you're down, you can't go anywhere but up. But why am I just sinking lower and lower?

My Ma just informed me that she was so disappointed with her pay. It was not worth the distance and the work. Imagine a pay even lower than the minimum wage! She does not deserve that. So she's quitting. She is going home tomorrow. I don't know what we are going to do now. My sister will be enrolling in college already. I was able to give a chunk of my pay for her tuition and I know we still owe her high school some money. Darn.

Having some even more "personal problems" too. I'd rather not post that here [note to self: see Basketcase] I feel so helpless and sad. Even my officemates noticed that. At least I made a new friend today. Oh well, I hope I did. I'm having difficulty trusting myself and other people anymore...


If ever you wondered if you touched my soul yes you do
Since I met you I'm not the same...
Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and joy you bring
~Keith Martin, "Because of You"

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... (Author Unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realise that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process... a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process...a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process...a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and, in the process...a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realise that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process... you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there ispower and glory in creating and contributing, and you stop manoeuvring through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learnthat principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world, and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more loveable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.

You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms... just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realisation that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less.

And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch... and in the process you internalise the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple.

You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalise things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself... by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise -- to never betray yourself and to never ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

CANCER

You may have been somewhat gloomy lately, but the day ahead should restore your good spirits. You can embark on your journey today with full confidence in its astrological aspects. You'll be even more attractive than usual, and people will find your charm irresistible. There's the promise of many a rewarding experience, both in your career and in your love life!

Duh. C'mon... you trying to make me laugh?!
--------------------

I am going to the doctor again later to check on some things. I think there is something wrong with me again. A different one, this time. Darn. Talk about great timing... I badly need a vacation. HELP!

Thank you for sending me this. It's beautiful.

AFTER A WHILE

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
And your eyes open, with grace of an adult
And the grief of a child
And you begin to build your roads on today for tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans

After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth

AFTER AFTER A WHILE

After after a while, you want to hold a hand
Not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company
And you want someone's lips to kiss
Not because you are lonely but because you are happy
And you want to give presents
And you want to make promises
After after a while, you begin to accept defeats like an adult
But like a child, will want someone who will listen and care
And you want someone who will build roads with you today
So maybe you can pave the way for your future together

After after a while, you want someone's sunshine and warmth
But also accept the rain and cold
And you want to give flowers picked from your own garden
And when your garden is picture perfect
You want it to be more than a picture
Even if it means having to be imperfect
Because you want someone in it, to stay and to live
Then you'll see that there is such a thing as love
And that you were made to live in someone else's garden
...and you'll know that there is more to life than yourself

Tears

Words cannot explain what this weekend brought me. It's a combination of complicated and mixed thoughts, experiences and emotions. I hope I can get through this alive. What does not kill me makes me stronger, I guess. But I really hope (although most of the odds are against me) that I come out of this alive.

We can't have everything in life and love. We need to sacrifice some things when we want something, right?

The truth hurts. But I think it's fair enough for me to know the truth rather than be deceived and get hurt a million times worse in the end. That's why I wanted no lies. But the honesty just broke my heart and soul into little pieces. I need time to gather them again. But like I said, at least I know the truth.

All I know is that my lower lip is slightly swollen already as I bit it just to prevent myself from hysterically crying in public. But I cannot stop the tears from falling. Nobody can.

And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just slipped out and what went wrong
~John Mayer, "My Stupid Mouth"

Thank God it's weekend again...

...because tomorrow might be good for something... hold on... feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why...
~Matchbox20, "Unwell"

Falls Apart

My life is falling apart. Just a short statement to describe the situation I'm in right now.

It's times like these that make me realize the value of the people who truly care for me and people who don't. It's times like these that when I've given up hope, there's always a silver lining on my huge and dark storm cloud.

Sir Ecs: Thank you. You're such a lifesaver (even my parents think so).

She falls apart by herself
No one's there to talk or understand
Feels sustained, dries here eyes
Finds herself, opens the door inside
People see right through you
Everyone who knew you well
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasted
~Sugar Ray, "Falls Apart"

CANCER

A separation from the man in your life, perhaps an actual distance or maybe a minor disagreement, could have you feeling a bit melancholy today. You could receive an invitation to a get-together of some kind, but aren't likely to want to go, as you're feeling more reserved and introverted than usual. However, being with others is probably the best way to get your mind off your friend. Go for it!

Sige, tamaan daw ba ako! We have actually two outings- one with college friends and another with the company. Pero wala akong gana. Ayokong sumama sa kanila. Second month nearly approaching, hindi pa kami ok. Ang labo kasi. Kainis. Hirap pala ng ganito.

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
~Matchbox20, "Unwell"

I believe in fairy tales, true love, soul mates and happy endings. Too bad they don't happen in the real world. How disappointing.

CANCER
Your concept of reality may be more based on your emotions than on facts, dear Cancer. This is one of those days when this sort of paradigm of thinking may get you into trouble. Whatever situation comes up, you are likely to feel very passionate about it, and you will tend to lose any rational perspective whatsoever. Integrity, inner strength, and self-confidence will be the glue that holds your mind and heart together.

There is a tremendous intensity in your relationships right now and you may feel as if everything is a life or death situation. Bring calm to those voices in your head. Meditate. Take a yoga class. Breathe deeply. Know that this is a period of intense planetary energies and that nothing is really as dramatic as it seems. This too, will pass. In a few days you will be able to laugh all of your worries away...

Drowning

Two days ago, I watched a movie alone again after quite some time. Watched X-men 2. It was a good movie, even better than the first one. [SPOILER AHEAD]Jean Grey died. How sad. But I love the Phoenix-like death effect. At least Wolverine lost a love interest and Cyclops is single again, right?[SPOILER END] Hehehehe!

I missed having a companion though. But then we all have our own lives to live.

Underwent another training yesterday (day time). One step higher than my previous skill level. I wonder when the pay will increase proportional to skill level? Hahaha!

I was in a foul mood yesterday until today. I was planning to have a few drinks last night but my brother did not buy me one. If some people get drunk, why can't I? Maybe bombarding my system with alcohol will suppress my allergy to it. So, I had a movie marathon instead and until now, still have puffy eyes considering I have work tonight. Oh well, don't really care. I think my tear ducts needed unclogging again. You feel bad whenever you think you're taken for granted, right? Some things are better left unwritten...

I miss listening to piano-accompanied music such as this, especially on a rainy and lonely Saturday night, while sipping a cold Mule...

"Let Me Be The One" (Jimmy Bondoc)
Somebody told me you were leavin', I didn't know
Somebody told me you're unhappy, But it doesn't show
Somebody told me that you don't want me no more
So you're walkin' out the door
Nobody told me you've been cryin' every night
Nobody told me you'd been dyin'
But didn't want to fight
Nobody told me that you fell out of love from me
So I'm settin' you free
Let me be the one to break it up
So you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I'm tellin' you I love you one last time
And goodbye
Somebody told me you still loved me don't know why
Nobody told me that you only needed time to fly
Somebody told me that you want to come back when
Our love is true again
Just turn around and walk away
You don't have to live like this
If you love me still then stay
Don't keep me waiting for that final kiss
We can work together through this test
Or we can work through it apart
I just need to get this off my chest
That you will always have my heart

My fame and fortune: Scientific World

Talk about inventive! You're one of those people who has a special way of seeing a problem, wrapping your head around it, and squeezing out a solution that's nothing but pure genius. So what if you never won at the science fair (but congrats if you did). The fact is, you have a mind made for experimenting. You enjoy a mental challenge and like creating — whether it's a new invention for the sake of invention or something that solves people's more immediate problems.

Don't have crazy hair like Einstein? Don't know a Bunsen burner from a test tube? No sweat. Maybe you'll discover a cure for cancer. Maybe you'll be the first human to set foot on Mars. Or maybe you'll figure out how to safely make landfills evaporate.

Whatever you do, with a brain like yours, you're bound for scientific greatness. So get going! Fame and fortune await! The world's still waiting for someone to create that triple-chocolate, fudge, ice cream cake with zero calories! Or shoelaces that don't fray at the ends, or headphones that automatically adjust for outside noise factors, or rainproof-breathable fleece, or...

Keep Counting

Sometimes, we don't have to make decisions in life. Fate just leads us to a path in which we don't have much of a choice. We could fight back. But if we do, we more likely will emerge weaker than stronger. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes, it's better going with the flow than against it... because sometimes, blessings come in disguises. I guess I still have faith in fate. Or maybe, I am just tired of making decisions.

Ten years ago, my mom left us for a job opportunity in Manila. I graduated in elementary without her placing the medal I earned on my chest. Now we are together in Manila, she has to go to Laguna for another job opportunity. I guess it's better than before since she can come back home during the weekends. Count the blessings, right?

I wonder what's the most effective way in releasing stress, anger, anxiety, sadness in one blow...

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
~Evanescence, "My Immortal"

Now don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone
~Counting Crows, "Big Yellow Taxi"

That's why, NEVER take anybody for granted... because you might only realize the value of someone (or something) when it's gone.

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On the 6th of this month, I'll be on my 4th month working in this company. By then, I will have the option to leave anytime I want. Two months from now, I will get the chance to prove myself worthy of being a regular employee (and of course, get all the perks of being one).

For three months already, I haven't seen my crush in the office. I thought he already vanished into oblivion or maybe because our schedules don't meet. But yesterday, I saw him again. The feeling was like in high school. I never had this hiatus of not having a crush before. It's been so long since I had one. But the "feeling" was re-instated again. It's good to be affected that way. Although I have a special someone now, crushes are different. I guess I just miss being a kid again.

Feeling better now. The doctor said it was just an infection and I'm ok now. But I will have to undergo some more tests (x-ray) and see an OB-GYNE. Not that I'm pregnant though. Hahahahaha! What's that, immaculate conception?!

I'm glad we have health cards. Although I'm short of cash right now, I still enrolled both my parents in medical insurance. That would take a huge chunk of money from my monthly pay, but better that than die of extreme poverty when one of us gets really ill.

I'm feeling bored. I kept thinking that this coming weekend is supposed to be my overnight swimming weekend. But that plan is as murky as the muddy waters in the Dead Marshes. I will not be seeing him this weekend too, which makes me feel more rotten. I wonder how I could get out of this. I wonder what's going to happen to make me genuinely smile again.

My college friends have plans to go swimming on May 18, I wonder if I would have the mood to go. I prefer to spend the day with him since those college friends are not really what I call my barkada. It's been so long since we'd hang out and I think we are all different now in more ways than one. I'd prefer a small group and I kinda miss watching movies and pigging out with my real barkada. *sniff* Since I started working I've been a lone ranger until I met him, but then since our lives don't revolve around each other, we have to move on and continue with our everyday "adventures". God, I really am bored if I keep on writing here without making sense...