Wednesday, March 26, 2003

What A Mess!
(The entry also known as Shit)

"Anger is too pathetic. It's too much at a disadvantage always. I can't act upon it. I can't make it mine."
~Marius, "Blood and Gold" by Anne Rice

There are times when I get selfish. I am in my selfish mode today. Like times when I wish that the world would revolve around me. When I badly need to prove to myself that the lives of other people are affected because of me. That I am of great influence. That I have achieved a lot of things in my life that would make everyone who knows me proud that I am a part of their lives. Yes, I get that pathetic.

But then I realize what a silly notion that was. I mean, in one way or another and in one time or another, people feel that too. Like when we spend hours to make ourselves look pleasant so as not to create a bad impression, when in reality, nobody really cares since everybody is busy thinking what impression he/she creates. No one will have the time to scrutinize someone when he/she is busy scrutinizing herself/himself.

I also learned one important thing today: WE DON'T WAIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS WE MAKE.

Sure, we need other people. No man is an island, right? It's ok since it feels nice to be needed, to be relied upon, to be leaned on... not to be USED.

Some things happened today to help me understand how it affects other people if you always rely on them to make all things alright for you.

I have always wanted independence. I have always wanted to be responsible for things I am responsible for. I don't want to shoulder the responsibilities of others. But as of the moment, I know I on my shoulders lie responsibilities I should not be handling. And that's scares me. No, it terrifies me. I don't think I can handle them. I don't think I am able to clean up after other people's mess. I don't believe I exist because of that. I can't accept that it would be my ultimate purpose in life.

I have my own mess to clean up after. Don't expect me to clean up yours. After reading my previous post about treasuring our parents because whatever happens, we still love them. Yes, I love them. But here's the question: What if I die ahead of them? What if I disappear from their lives? What will happen? Will they show me that they treasure me before they lose me? That they appreciate all the sacrifices that I've done? Or will they only realize that when I'm gone?

That's my selfish side speaking. This is my blog. So I can write here whatever I want. Because I am sick and tired of being "the responsible one", of being "the perfect one". I make mistakes-- a lot of mistakes. And I learn-- the hard way sometimes. But if people are so used to having "Miss Perfect" around, what will happen if she disappears? It's a comfort to know everything will fall apart when she ceases to exist. That she's like a "glue" that sticks everything together. But is she really? Is she capable of that feat? What if she turns out to be not so perfect after all? Not the goody-two-shoes they expect? What if she makes the biggest mess of her life? I dunno. I haven't gotten to that point yet. But rest assured, I will clean up my mess. But see to it you clean up yours.

"Don't make a religion of reason and logic. Because in the passage of time reason may fail you and when it does, you may find yourself taking refuge in madness."
~Pandora, "Blood and Gold" by Anne Rice
NOTE to self:
I know a time will come when I will regret posting this, but here goes this entry anyway.
Isn't it ironic that Scribbles is full of hatred while Basketcase is full of love?

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