counting down... 4 more hours...

But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck/hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long...
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something i've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
~Linkin Park, "Somewhere I Belong"

Gotta buy that Meteora album. I long for angsty songs once more. Not to mention Matchbox20 also released a new album, More Than You Think You Are, full of angsty songs too! Woohoo!

7 hours more until endshift. Killing time in a cold place.

Blame it on the sign

CANCER
This is me. Truly me.

Your sign is that of sensitive Cancer, the fourth sign of the zodiac, the sign characterized by deep feelings and protectiveness. You are known for being nurturing, hospitable, and imaginative, and all your effort goes into making your home a safe place for you and the people you cherish.

The Moon, is the ruler of your sign, and makes you a very intuitive and empathetic person. Like the ebb and flow of the tides, you are both receptive to those you love and willing to offer comfort in return.

Being the first of the water signs you have psychic powers, and are able to sense feelings and thoughts in others - you feel rather than think. When you love someone, you love truly and deeply, and have the desire to connect on a profound level.

As a Cancer, you rule the fourth house, the sector of the horoscope that describes your emotional roots, your home, your childhood, and your parent of lesser influence, usually your father. Most of all, the fourth house stands for attunement to your inner self.

Your sign is a cardinal sign, which means that your parental instincts compel you to protect and fight for the security of your loved ones. You thrive on drama, and get stronger in situations of crisis.

Your strengths lie in your ability to adapt and cooperate, and your wonderful way of providing comfort. You are devoted and selfless in your dealings with others, which makes you a very dependable person. Since you are attuned to your unconscious, you have a strong imagination and are in touch with your intuition.

One of your weaknesses is that you can get hypersensitive and moody when someone fails to show you their love and appreciation. In situations of insecurity, you sometimes show immature, manipulative, and even tyrannical behavior, and others could see you as overly possessive and dependent.

There are places I remember...
(This and "I Will Be Here" were my graduation songs.)

I had to go to work early. Very unlike me. I guess I just felt lonely at home. They all went to bring my sister to the Manila Hotel for her graduation ball. She looked beautiful tonight. *sigh* I missed my high school days. Those were my innocent days. I also had time reminiscing my graduation in that same auditorium almost six years ago. I remember going up on that same stage several times with both my parents very proud. My mama said she misses going up the stage. After I graduated high school, I was not fond of going up there anymore. Then my bro and sis have tried their best but they didn't get there. My sis is the top 11 in their batch (250+ graduates). I am so proud of her even if she was not able to go up there and get a medal. But then only the top 5 achievers get recognition. Then I met two of my batchmates. I realized, there are lots of people I lost track with. I even lost track of myself. I better start and find the pieces I left along the way.

My day started badly. I had to walk from Ayala Avenue to my house and that took me about 30 minutes. There was no jeepney available and I don't think I can spend more money for a cab ride since I am still budgeting whatever moolah I have left. I arrived home with sweat running down my chin and my back. I expected my parents to be surprised and take pity on poor me. But no. My mama said, "That's good for a morning exercise!" Aargh! So I went directly to bed without food in my stomach. I was furious. After four hours of straight sleep, my mama woke me up to attend my sister's graduation. I was really NOT in the mood. But when I saw my sister's frown after saying "no", I just had to drag my tired body out of bed. I guess I made the right decision. I had some laughs and some teary-eyed moments. I'm glad I did not miss one of the special days in her life.

CONGRATULATIONS dear sister on your Graduation Day!!!

The Call

Got a call and I just need to remember this. The person on the other line was about to cancel a reservation. I read to him the cancellation penalty that is stated with the rules and regulations and he will end up paying the full amount even if he cancels. Now I did expect him to be angry but I can't do anything about the rules. I can't bend the rules for him. And besides, he was presented with those rules before even agreeing to reserve. Anyways, he goes and says, "That's bullshit!" Then I reply, "Yeah, for not knowing and reading the rules before giving your money, I dunno if you're the BULL or the SHIT..."

Hahahahaha!

Glad I was on MUTE.

If Youre Not The One
Daniel Bedingfield
(Gotta Get Thru This)

Imagine this is not a song. Imagine someone telling you face to face using these words...


If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?


Oh wow!

What A Mess!
(The entry also known as Shit)

"Anger is too pathetic. It's too much at a disadvantage always. I can't act upon it. I can't make it mine."
~Marius, "Blood and Gold" by Anne Rice

There are times when I get selfish. I am in my selfish mode today. Like times when I wish that the world would revolve around me. When I badly need to prove to myself that the lives of other people are affected because of me. That I am of great influence. That I have achieved a lot of things in my life that would make everyone who knows me proud that I am a part of their lives. Yes, I get that pathetic.

But then I realize what a silly notion that was. I mean, in one way or another and in one time or another, people feel that too. Like when we spend hours to make ourselves look pleasant so as not to create a bad impression, when in reality, nobody really cares since everybody is busy thinking what impression he/she creates. No one will have the time to scrutinize someone when he/she is busy scrutinizing herself/himself.

I also learned one important thing today: WE DON'T WAIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS WE MAKE.

Sure, we need other people. No man is an island, right? It's ok since it feels nice to be needed, to be relied upon, to be leaned on... not to be USED.

Some things happened today to help me understand how it affects other people if you always rely on them to make all things alright for you.

I have always wanted independence. I have always wanted to be responsible for things I am responsible for. I don't want to shoulder the responsibilities of others. But as of the moment, I know I on my shoulders lie responsibilities I should not be handling. And that's scares me. No, it terrifies me. I don't think I can handle them. I don't think I am able to clean up after other people's mess. I don't believe I exist because of that. I can't accept that it would be my ultimate purpose in life.

I have my own mess to clean up after. Don't expect me to clean up yours. After reading my previous post about treasuring our parents because whatever happens, we still love them. Yes, I love them. But here's the question: What if I die ahead of them? What if I disappear from their lives? What will happen? Will they show me that they treasure me before they lose me? That they appreciate all the sacrifices that I've done? Or will they only realize that when I'm gone?

That's my selfish side speaking. This is my blog. So I can write here whatever I want. Because I am sick and tired of being "the responsible one", of being "the perfect one". I make mistakes-- a lot of mistakes. And I learn-- the hard way sometimes. But if people are so used to having "Miss Perfect" around, what will happen if she disappears? It's a comfort to know everything will fall apart when she ceases to exist. That she's like a "glue" that sticks everything together. But is she really? Is she capable of that feat? What if she turns out to be not so perfect after all? Not the goody-two-shoes they expect? What if she makes the biggest mess of her life? I dunno. I haven't gotten to that point yet. But rest assured, I will clean up my mess. But see to it you clean up yours.

"Don't make a religion of reason and logic. Because in the passage of time reason may fail you and when it does, you may find yourself taking refuge in madness."
~Pandora, "Blood and Gold" by Anne Rice
--------------------
NOTE to self:
I know a time will come when I will regret posting this, but here goes this entry anyway.
Isn't it ironic that Scribbles is full of hatred while Basketcase is full of love?

The Wooden Bowl
(Thanks Phoenix for this inspirational story. This made me feel better.)

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.

"We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.

Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about.

I just did.

Rants!


I am pissed off.
Pissed off from a stupid caller and taking so much time in a stupid call.
Pissed off with this stupid SIM problem with the telecom company.

A few more hours. Two days off.
Just a few more agonizing minutes staring at this computer.
I just had my 15-minute break and I spent that alone in a cold, dark corner in the pantry.
That helped me though. It really did.

I really need a punching bag right now.
Or better yet, give me that sound-proofed, padded room. That would be a relief.

I'm going to see you tomorrow. I will get out of the house even if I walk going to our meeting place. I don't know if my aunt or mother will pay me back later and if I have no money, I can walk, can't I? No, I am not kidding. Nobody can stop me. I just need someone to talk to. Maybe about simple matters (like those stories you always tell me) that will help me forget about reality even for while. I need a shoulder to lean on too. I hope it will be ok with you.

The Academy Awards later. It's been so long since I sat comfortably on the couch and watched TV. Dang! I'm going to change my lifestyle for two days. Better make my SMS sending ok or else it will ruin my days off. I've been a very good customer and caller to them because I know how tough it is to receive problem calls a CSR should resolve. But if I lose my patience (and I am a very patient person), they're going to hear from the other side of me. And they're NOT just going to hear the line "Let me talk to your supervisor!" No way.

History Repeats Itself


I can vividly remember about ten years ago when I was about to turn 13, I was in this similar situation in my life. Our family is in turmoil. Ok, maybe it's too strong a word since we are a lot luckier than whatever Iraq is experiencing right now. I would not expound on this since I might end up writing a telenovela based on our life story.


It feels like we are in wheel-- a turning wheel, and every 10 years, we reach the bottom. Ten years has passed since then and we are at the bottom again. It also feels like we have a curse that affects us every after 10 years. I wonder who in our lineage broke a mirror or something larger than just an ordinary mirror for us to go through this. Ha! Superstitions.


I wish I were alone in a room. No, make that a sound-proofed, padded room. I just need to vent all the feelings bottled up inside. I want to shout. It's been a long time since I shouted at the top of my lungs. Honestly, I cannot remember the last time I shouted. I'm a peace-loving person and I dunno how to scream. Shout, yes, but not scream like a girl. I wonder why.

More Scribbles from a coffee shop
20 March 2003, 8:50AM

Raspberry frap for breakfast. This time, I'm not waiting for someone, but for something to happen. I'm waiting for the mall to open at about 10AM. Why sacrifice two hours of sleep? Because I think this is the best time for me to upgrade my SIM since my prepaid balance just reached zero last night. I'm willing to give up another 24 hours without load in order for my new SIM to be re-activated. Better do it today than do it on the weekend.

Seems like I'm justifying my wait, lack of sleep, uneccessary breakfast expense, just to upgrade my SIM. I treasure my phone that much because I treasure friends and loved-ones whom I could contact using that gadget. Also planning to change the cover ffrom Legolas green color to Gandalf sparkly white! We'll see...

That couch on the corner is tempting me... sleep... sleep...

One hour left before the mall opens. Thirty minutes before George Bush's ultimatum expires. What happens next?

--------------------

21 March 2003, 7AM

What happened next? Middle East crisis AND more calls for us! Ugh!

The best Zodiac Match for your personality is Cancer
(in short, I have to find another ME)
Got this from E-mode

Cancer, the Crab (June 22 to July 22):
This emotional and imaginative partner is just your type. Initially, a Cancerian may catch your eye because of their romantic ways and dedication to you. But as you get to know them, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Cancer's practicality and ability to nurture you. People born under this sign tend to be true-blue, loyal partners who are willing to devote their hearts and souls to their close relationships. Because of the deep investment they'll put into others, Cancerians can be easily hurt and may seem overly sensitive at times. However, more often, Cancers are simply warm and compassionate mates. In the bedroom, you may find the Crab a bit hard to coax out of its shell — at least at first. Cancers can be somewhat timid lovers in comparison to other signs. Typically, a Cancer's nature is to value family above all else. As a result, if you can make a Cancer happy and earn that familial title, you can be sure that this partner will always be there for you.

Change of plans

Blue's concert cancelled due to war threats. For their safety, I understand. At least less expenses for me. But I have to look for an alternative graduation gift for my sis. Dunno what to buy yet though. Then I'll probably upgrade my SIM so I can store more messages and more names in my phonebook.

Change of plans. I hate that when I plan for things and they do not push through. But I guess I just have to quit complaining and face what's in front of me and make the best out of it. Who knows? It might be for the best.

*cross fingers*

Memory


"Memory was a curse... but it was also the greatest gift.
Because if you lost memory you lost everything."
~"Blood and Gold" by Anne Rice

Would you believe it if I say every moment spent with you is a moment I'll never forget?


Maybe we have the ability to pre-select things we want to remember or we want to forget. Like when I can vividly remember a song I sang to my seatmate in highschool and she has no idea it happened. On her part, maybe she chose to forget that moment. That's why when I brought it up the last time we saw each other, she cannot remember it at all. I recall we were both singing and laughing then coz she cannot carry a tune. But she loved the song and she told me I'm the only person who can listen to her without me laughing in front of her face. Now, whenever I hear that song, I remember her. Some sort of deja vu but not for the sight. I think there is another term for the smell but I forgot... deja nos? How about a term for the hearing? Like when you hear something specific, your brain also processes a specific memory that goes with that sound.

My thoughts are all scrambled up. Maybe because I have a lot of things to do and I just want to escape them. Or maybe because I have to experience everything, including all the hurt and tough times just to add something to my "did this, done that" list. Maybe because I'm lazy to go to work later. Or maybe bacause some plans I had did not push through and some things are happening that were not in my plans. I don't know.

There are things happening in my life right that I would never want to forget. I hope I don't reach the day that I will lose them, voluntarily or not. Some good things never last but thank God for memories.

Women and War


Why the title? Probably because since we are celebrating women's month. Or that I just watched Chicago and it's all about women and the strength that most (if not all) men underestimate. It was a beautiful production. Now my heart aches for The Two Towers in the coming Academy Awards. But that's ok. If Chicago wins, I will understand why.

Woke up 4AM today on an empty stomach. As usual, if it's my day-off, my body clock is in shambles. But that's ok. I adjust quite well. I'm currently half-watching CNN and fearing for the worst-- World War III. Robin Cook, a British cabinet member, just resigned from the House of Commons and one of his reasons was the fact that the Brits are willing to go to war with the US even without the approval of an international body (like the UN). Then I saw all these video footages of Afghanistan and Iraq. I asked myself, why the anger? the hatred? the need for violence? I know I'm getting a bit political here and I don't want to answer those questions. It's like asking myself, why do I exist? What is my purpose in this world?

Then there is SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome). That's why I usually don't prefer to watch the news. It makes me more depressed.

Life's complexities. *long sigh*

I think I'll go read "How to Kill a Mockingbird" later.

Ang Buhay Single by mcg
(Another one of those interesting articles...)


Bakit ba tuwing may "get2geder" ang mga tao, mapa-family reunion man or simpleng barkada gimik, ang unang tanong sayo ay "May boyfriend ka ba?" at bago ka pa maka-sagot ay maririnig mo naman ang "Bakett walaaaaaa??!" Hayyy, kelangan ba talagang may bitbit kang boylet sa mga occasions na ito? Pano kung wala talaga? Alanganamang maki-usap pa ako sa mga "close" guy friends ko para mag-panggap na "kami"?! Di naman ata tama yun, dee-bah? How I wish na sana mas maintindihan ng mga tao na sa mga panahon ngayon ay "accepted" na sa society na MEDYO made-delay ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga kababaihan... especially girls like me who want to get into so many things all at the same time.

I also wish that people would understand that OKAY LANG AKO and the rest of THE SAMAHANG MALAMIG ANG PASKO... Valentines day... Birthday..etc. I mean, we do get lonely once in a while... naiingit din dun sa may mga LOVELIFE... paminsan-minsan. Kung minsan naman ay nagmumuni sa mga past kilig moments... but these lonely moments do not and will not make our "world" stop... Isipin nyo nalang, na kung wala kaming mga single friends nyo, eh di wala kayong paghihingaan ng sama ng loob tuwing nag-aaway kayo ng boylet or girlet nyo? Wala rin kayong "instant date" kung sakaling nangailangan kayo? wala rin kayong mahihila sa mall para maghanap ng magandang regalo for your better-half pag xmas... o kaya pag bday nya? At ang pinaka-mahalaga sa lahat, wala kayong KAKAMPI if things between you and your labidabs don't work out.

Marami naman sa aming mga singles ay nakaranas na rin na "ma-in-love"... yun nga lang, obvious ba?????????? It all didn't work out! Pero di naman kami "bitter" o galit sa mundo? Ang totoo nga nyan eh mas lumalalim ang kahulugan ng "love" para sa min. When you're all by yourself, there's more time to reflect and think what you really want it life. Mas naiisip mo kung ano ba talaga ang makakapagbigay ng tunay na ligaya sayo... at mas naiisip mo kung pano matutupad ang lahat ng mga pangarap mo. And while reflecting, we also get to imagine that we will, one day... end up with someone who will share those dreams with us. Di naman sa nang-iinggit ako pero masaya rin ang buhay naming mga single... Biruin mo we can go out with anybody, anytime..that is. We can get into all kinds of things... like go to the gym regularly... or get into all kinds of sports... or any "Self-enhancement" programs, etc... Medyo tipid din ang buhay single kasi la naman kaming po-problemahin tuwing Valentines day or Christmas? o diba ang saya? Sa palagay ko naman ay lahat tayo ay may karapatang sumaya ke single man o attached ka. I guess may kanya-kanya lang tayong panahong lumigaya at Diyos lamang ang makapagsasabi kung kelan nga dadating ang oras na yon..

So, para sa mga kasalukuyang "ATTACHED", I wish you all the luck and happiness. Should there be any problems, don't forget that your SINGLE friends are always here for you!!!!!

Sa mga "bagong SINGLES" naman, wag nang magmukmok! Enjoy life.... enjoy the single life!!! There are a lot of things that you will still discover. At tandaan mo, DI KA NAG-IISA!!! madami-dami tayo...hehehehe!

At dun naman sa kapwa kong mga SINGLES? I hope that we are one in believing that we long for someone NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO BE HAPPY but we long for someone because we want to share our happiness with that special person for the rest of our lives....

Glory lies in the attempt to reach one's goal and not in reaching it.
~Mahatma Gandhi

Friends...


...come in all shapes and sizes. Actually, the term is kinda vague. Who would you consider your friend, acquaintance, bestfriend, special friend, boy/girlfriend? How will you know the dividing line between all those? Or are those just simple terms to define a relationship that may have its complexities?

Let's see... I have formulated some categories for this.

Some may not be present but may know everything or most of the things going on in your life. (Hi Lau!)
Some may always be there but may not know the updates in your life. (Aherm!)
Some may be near but may not always be there for you. (Many names to mention.)
Some may be near and may always be there for you whatever happens. (I lack those.)
Some may be far but there is still communication.
Some may be far and may not know that you are still existing. (Oh yeah... You can say that again.)
Some may always be there for you whatever happens. Always there all the time. (Where are those types?)
Some may just pop up when they need something from you. (Users!)
Some may arrive when you desperately need help. (Friends in shining armors! Thank God for those.)
Some may be special enough for you to give them special attention and care.
Some you may find special when you see them but not really when you don't. (Hehehehe!)
Some may be on the border of friendship and a more serious and deeper relationship that they're not quite friends but they'r enot quite lovers.

Any more categories? That's all I can think of as of the moment.

Where do I belong?

Where do you belong?

Pag-ibig (a.k.a. Love)
Got this e-mail from a friend.

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.

Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Teka, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi cum laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama'y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman. Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto.

Ang labo talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko.

Pero wala pa rin akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

The Con
(may contain some spoilers)

It was a fun experience. New Worlds or the First Philippine Sci-fi and Fantasy Convention was actually a gathering of fans from all ages and all walks of life! It was a great feeling to meet the people behind the names in the internet and meet all those who share the same passion as I do. It was cool! There were great display of collections, food, costume, ideas, knowledge and talents. Got some freebies too! I was supposed to join the Tolkien Trivia but then I had to watch Star Trek: Nemesis. Honestly I am not really a Trekkie, but my fave character is Data. And he DIED there! Huhuhu! I liked the movie though and I think Shinzon (played by Tom Hardy) is really a cute bad guy.


Hope we can have the second convention during the LOTR: RoTK premiere.

Scribbles from a coffee shop
(11 March 2003, 2PM)

Sitting across this guy on the other table. He's talking on the phone while listening to his discman. Is that possible? I think I've don't that before-- listening to the radio using one ear and listening on the phone with another ear. One ear just has to sacrifice and listen to the other ear. Lucky ears! At least they know how to prioritize the important one or the special one.

Work again tomorrow, but I'm going to enjoy the con first. Gonna work a slightly different shift tomorrow. Hope somebody will swap sched with one on the day of Blue's concert.

(Sang in the tune of "Waiting for the Bus" bu Eraserheads)
I've been sitting here, waiting for the guy on a Tuesday. Inhaling all the smoke... oh, he's here already. I'll let him finish this yummy Frosted Mint Javanilla.

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First Kiss?
(11 March 2003, 10PM)

When I was about to become to teenager, I've always imagined my first kiss to be fairytale-like... cold and romantic night under the stars, in front of my prince, love song in the background, eyes closed, bells ringing, electrifying...

I just had mine at 22. Yeah, I had to wait for a long time for a daring Mr. Prince Charming to come. No one dared ever-- until today. He was open and he dared and with that, he deserved my first. It was not perfect coz I was stunned. So I was literally frozen. But it was sweet and gentle. It was fine. I just need practice.

Thank you!


How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core?
Where I've become so numb without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold.
~Evanescence, "Bring Me To Life"

Her Tears

This cold and lonely room is the only witness to her tears.
This damp and stained pillow is the only comfort against her fears.
Every teardrop, every sob
Is an evidence of her heart falling apart.
(10 March 2003, 10PM)

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I hate myself...

...for falling unexpectedly.
...for letting someone affect me like this.
...for being so sensitive and sentimental.
...for believing a moment is special when in fact, it is not.
...for giving in.
...for being weak.
...for being stupid.
...for thinking about someone more often than I should.
...for reminscing whenever I hear a love song.
...for doubting.
...for having uncertainties.
...for not knowing what's real from what's not.
...for still believing in fantasies and fairy tales.

But at least I'm alive...
...to know all these
...to change the things I can change.
...to accept the things I cannot.

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Silver Lining?

Someone, who was special in my life, just admitted he likes me too. But too bad we had our time and now the past cannot be recovered. We didn't take the opportunity before. It was not the right time and now, when I come to think of it, he was not the right person for me and I am not the right one for him. But then it's out in the open now. I told him I liked him too. That's it. No regrets. I hate regrets.
Another someone who was also special and who, I thought, already forgot me, just informed me I am being missed. Too bad. He's not there when I needed him. Miss him too, as a friend.
Maybe it's all about timing and the right feeling that goes with it.
Now I like another someone who, I think, does not really find me special enough for him to sacrifice some things in his life.
It's weird. Life's weird. I feel stupid.

It's sad, so sad... It's a sad, sad situation...
And it's getting more and more absurd...
~Blue feat. Elton John, "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word"

Killing Time

A few more hours to go before I end my shift. Only 31 calls as of the moment. What a slow night! My highest so far is about 75 calls in 8 hours! And I couldn't get a reason why I agreed to have my OT today. An additional two more hours! Probably since it's my off so I can subtract two more hours from my sleeping time and turn them into cash, right?


And I feel lazy now... At least I can surf the net but I am still bored.

Talked to a (former) bestfriend (now just friend) a while ago. It was nice since I haven't had any personal phonecalls for the longest time in my life history due to my weird sched. I wanna meet up with him again. It would be great, I think since he has been dropping some "hints" about our "special" friendship before. Oh well, I'm happy where I am now and I hate regrets. Maybe meet him up one of these days and talk. Just to get updated with our own boring lives.

Might meet him later or tomorrow. (Referring to another person.) Yihee!

Okay, gonna meet up with two of them this week. The other two, probably some other time. Prioritization. Right? That's what I like about being single


Current song running in my head:

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
~Daniel Bedingfield, "If You're Not The One"

Quiz
(Thank you)


Midnight - You are a deep thinker, always searching
for answers and never quite at home. You are
very contemplative, and enjoy being alone with
your thoughts.


When are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Survey

ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? angry is a strong word. just pissed off earlier with someone i like. i rarely get angry, but when i do, beware.
2. What is your weapon of choice? silence, cold-treatment, rolling off eyes, raising of eyebrows, ignoring...etc. depends on who i'm angry with. (same here)
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? i would if i need to, but havent tried it yet
4. How about of the same sex? yes but never done it yet too. im a peace-loving person
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? cant remember. they love me, what can i say? maybe my sis when i pissed her off too.
6. --blank-- *blinks* hoe? what?
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? depends. if the offender was someone i considered close to me, i keep grudges...if not, then i let them go. (true)

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? pray... i know, i know...
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 8:30pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: my cousin. i just don't want to talk to him... yet.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i didn't get the message. but i just chose to ignore.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? cant remember. no time for those now.
6. When was the last time you got a good workout? PE class in college.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? probably 5 times

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? coffee
2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? any
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? two bottles
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? nope.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? yeah, since i was a year old i guess. hahaha!
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? im a sweet-tooth
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? nyah! nope.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? hahahahaha! one.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? none. lucky me! lucky them!
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? yeah, look or glance but not stare.
4. Have you "done it"? "done it"? nah! i can wait.
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? eyes, lips, legs and forearms. i dunno why!
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? nope.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? nope.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? none. :(
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Record and Tape Traders? any bookstore and any record store
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? a new house for my family!
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? rich! don't like fame at all. i'd rather be a "silent billionaire"!
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? depends. sometimes a job is boring for others but i might like it.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? when i was a kid, yeah! hahaha!
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? don't count them.

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? as of now, passing the boards. probably when I get a job I want, I would be proud too.
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? finishing college from the top university, passing the boards and getting a job
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? die knowing that i have done what i needed to do in this lifetime
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? depends. if i know i can be first then end up second, i get disappointed.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? yes.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? nope.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? gave myself a full 8-hour rest!

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? lots! but probably the cellphone i really want.
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? Prince William. just for a day, ok?
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? the Pope
4. Have you ever been cheated on? in relationships, nope. in other things, yes. (same here)
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? yes. i want to be taller and slimmer.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? the ability to appreciate life and live life to its fullest. i have to learn how to be contented.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? nope. i don't like to make surveys, but i LOVE to answer them. (me too!)

Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling. Making friends with shadows on my wall. All night hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something. Hold on. Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell, but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care, but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be...me.

I'm talking to myself in public, dodging glances on the train and I know, I know they've all been talking about me. I can hear them whisper and it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. Out of all the hours thinking somehow I've lost my mind.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell, but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be.

I've been talking in my sleep. Pretty soon they'll come to get me. Yeah, they're taking me away.

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know right now you can't tell, but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know right now you don't care, but soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be.

(by: Matchbox20)

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Love this song since I first heard it. Rob Tomas never really changed his composing styles. Feels like I wrote it myself. (Wishing...)

Mind Over Heart

If I had one wish, boy
I`d wish you next to me
and it could be in summer, fall or spring, boy
`cause you make my heart sing
I wanna give my heart, my soul, my love to you
oh baby, oh baby
`cause every day I`m not with you
I`m missing you like crazy
~Faith Evans, "Never Gonna Let You Go"

I've always know I'm that kind of person. Coz whenever I clasp my hands and let my fingers intertwine, the most comfortable grasp for me would show my right thumb on top of my left thumb. (Try it.) So they say those people follow the mind over the heart. And if its the opposite, left thumb over right thumb, its heart over mind.

I've always wondered if it's true. Probably. Almost all the people I know are "heart over mind". Maybe that's why I'm having a tough time deciding right now. Would you believe I even wrote something to compare the good and bad sides? I have this "HEART says, MIND says" thing going on.*

Should I really decide? Or just go with the flow? I've told him never to expect something from me and that's ok. At least that's clear. He has no problem with that. I guess I better stick to the plan.



'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
~Daniel Bedingfield, "If You're Not The One"

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*NOTE TO SELF: refer to Basketcase

On Love and Senses

SHE seldom falls. But when she does, she falls hard. Too hard that it hurts her. She wonders why she gets herself too attached... then always ends up crying. She knows it's not right... but it feels right.

It's odd. Can she really stop herself from falling in love? Can she run away? Can she say "No"? What if her mind says one thing... but her heart says another?

Is it possible to fall for the wrong person, at the wrong place, at the wrong time and even for the wrong reason? Or does the right feeling makes it right?

Her common sense, her five senses and the sense of longing in her heart tell her totally different things. Which sense will she follow?

"Love is tricky. It is never mundane or daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you out to sea, then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the foundation for a certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you can never say no. It includes everyone."
(The Hundred Secret Senses by Amy Tan, page 92)

Drifting Away

Before I start with my errands for today, I just have to take note of this moment. Why suddenly I feel sad. Why sometimes I'd choose to bury myself in work so I wont be feeling empty-- hollow inside (as quoted from the movie "Addicted to Love").

Woke up due to heat in the middle of the day. No electricity so I decided to go to the mall earlier to finish some errands. But in the process, some things happened that made me realize two things:

(1) It's sad to be alone. To find yourself living your life with nobody beside you. Yes, you got friends but they're not always there. Nobody to appreciate you when you really need someone to be with. Nobody to prioritize you among other things. Nobody to make small to big sacrifices for you when it really matters. Just nobody there, not even a best friend or a special companion. Not even a shadow. Sometimes you're willing to make a sacrifice and they don't. If only I could go back to the days when imaginary friends seem real.

(2) It's sad when you learn some friends don't trust you. Especially when you did your best to be as trustworthy as possible. And it hurts to realize that the world is not really a perfect place, even with a friend. That there are things which are difficult to accept. Maybe because you deliberately choose NOT to accept them. Or maybe because even if you do, accepting doesn't come naturally even if you force yourself to.



‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
~Daniel Bedingfield, "If You're Not the One"

Dare Devil

I did a lot of "daring things" today. For example, during my meal break at work, it was my first time to go out of the building and walked three blocks away with a couple of other girl friends to a 24-hour convenience store to buy food. It was 4AM then. I never did that before worried I might get an overbreak. We're supposed to have exactly an hour for our meal. But I did it anyways and it was refreshing. The goody-two-shoes broke some rules today and I like it!

Next, I was taking a call when I felt the tremors of the earthquake at about 2AM. I was lost for a while feeling our building swaying but I still was able to handle the call.

Slept only three hours this morning. Add another three hours tonight. Now I'm fully awake.


Also went out of my way to buy a new pair of jeans and look for my sister's grad ball shoes. She finishing high school now. Getting mixed emotions with that. Happy coz she's finally through but worried what course she'll be getting and where she will take her college education.

I just had to drop by the moviehouse. I miss those dark places. Thank you for keeping me company!


It's almost 4AM. I woke up and was unable to sleep again. My body clock is still working and it's telling me I'm supposed to be awake now. So here I am.

Ben Affleck is sexy in a catsuit. But J-Lo owns him as of the moment. I think the kid who played young Matt Murdock is a cutie! Saw another side of Colin Farrell in Dare Devil today. So bad. So versatile. So funny. I didn't know before that he can be a comic relief.


The movie was kinda like any other action superhero movie. Nice moves. Cool weapons. Unbelievable power. Beautiful and sexy girl for a partner. For those who haven't seen it yet, stay a while and finish the credits. You'll find out why I think there is a DD 2.

I dunno what to do now. Probably check my mails.

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely
All of my hopes, fading away
I've longed for love, like everyone else does
I know I'll keep searching, even after today...
We've got tonight
Who needs tomorrow?
We've got tonight
Why don't you stay?
~Ronan Keating, "We've Got Tonight"

Another (hopefully) good day

No queues again and this feels like a big break for me. Thirty minutes and I finished ALL my emails already. That was good. Then I happen to read this horoscope for me...

CANCER
Have you been entertaining the idea of changing jobs? If so, dear Cancer, put out some feelers today. You've been working hard, and you may have felt as if you've been barking up the wrong tree. Don't hesitate to research possibilities on the net, prepare your resume, and chat up knowledgeable people in social situations. It's time to pass from reflection to action - with care. -

Was that weird or what? Now I'm having second thoughts...


There is also this guy at work. I often go to him whenever I have questions regarding my calls coz he seems to be always there. The "most accessible" veteran rep near my workstation. He's not drop-dead-gorgeous. He's kinda cute and he's small. About my height. But I just noted this now: he smells sooooo good! I can't help but inhale a deep breath whenever I pass by him. A nice smelling man is always a turn-on.


I also made one caller very happy and satisfied and I'm glad. She thinks I'm wonderful. I know that. Hahahaha!
I don't think I can sleep well later. I am so looking forward to watching a movie. That's how deprived I am.

Good day

For the first time, I haven't seen the light of day yet but I am waiting for calls. Meaning, we have no queues. Wa-hey! I had good calls today- relatively. Meaning, most calls are ok compared to the not-so-good calls. I can say it's a day I can look forward to everytime. But then these days are RARE and I am appreciating it now. Not to mention I only have one day left before my days off!

It's party time! Hehehehe!

Quizzes

c/o Loryces!


You are: Elven


Which Tolkein Middle Earth Race Are You? (** Lord of the Rings **)
brought to you by Quizilla


***Feeling elf***


So which hobbit are you? Hmm??
made by Michelle at EmptySpace.


***My fave hobbit!***


So which LOTR woman are you? Hmm??
made by Michelle at EmptySpace.


***My fave female character!***


So which LOTR Man are you? Hmm??
made by Michelle at EmptySpace.


***I'd prefer Faramir... but then being King is ok (I think)***
Hehehehe!